Guilt and shame
She couldn’t have been four. Maybe three and a half.
I looked up when her mother walked over to the side of the pool where her little girl was sobbing. The instructor looked up at the girl kindly, and her mother knelt down and spoke to her. I couldn’t hear; they were too far away.
The instructor took the still-sobbing child in her arms and held her in the pool, looking her in the eye and smiling gently. Her sobs persisted, and the instructor lifted her up to her mother.
CJ climbed out of the pool herself and made a beeline for me. “I have to go poop,” she reported.
We headed to the locker room together, with the little girl and her mother close behind us. I stripped CJ’s suit off her, and she entered a stall. “Tell me when you’re finished,” I told her.
I was quiet and so was she. We could both hear the other little girl sobbing repeatedly, “I don’ wan’ go in dat pool! I don’ wan’ go in dat pool! I don’ wan’ go in dat pool!” She sounded frightened, not defiant.
I couldn’t see her or her mother. I heard sharp words, fragments of threats, and then what sounded like flesh being struck, but the sobs didn’t reach a new crescendo.
I didn’t know what to do.
CJ called for me, and another woman entered the locker room. I busied myself with making sure that CJ was clean, and then I helped her wriggle back into her wet swimsuit.
Five minutes later on the pool deck, the mother and daughter emerged. The little girl was fully dressed and struggling to contain her sobs. Her mother told her to the instructor and her grandparents, who had been watching, that she was sorry: “This was your one chance to show them how you could swim and you didn’t do it.”
With enormous eyes still filled with tears and a drooping mouth, she made her apologies. The mother informed the girl: “When Daddy gets home, you are going to be in big trouble.”
I was horrified. I couldn’t look away. I gazed at the little girl in her tearful humiliation, and my own eyes welled up in sympathy.
I didn’t know what to do then. I still don’t know now what I should have done for her – if there was anything I could have done for her.
After getting dressed, CJ and I walked hand in hand to the car. As I fastened her seat belt, I bent down and kissed her. “I love you, CJ. I’m so proud of you.”
She beamed up at me. “I so proud of you too, Mommy.”
Thank you, love. I wish I could say the same.
March 20th, 2009 at 5:47 am
I’ve seen the kids at the pool who don’t want to get in and the parents that punish them for it. One day a mother said to son, “No more binky today and no McDonalds!” This kid held up my daughter’s very short class every week b/c he was in a class he wasn’t ready for. I don’t know why the instructor didn’t boot him but it was frustrating for everyone.
March 20th, 2009 at 6:13 am
That sucks…people suck. Fortunately for us occassional screwups, the laws don’t make it illegal to punish your children…even if it is a stupid reason. Here’s hoping that this mother was being an occassional puss…probably not, but here’s hoping.
I don’t often see the mothers who are my age doing this type of crap…usually I see stuff like a father forcing his less than 2 year old son to stand right next to the largest snake at the reptile pit in the zoo and not let him get away. He told him he had to stay there and was forcing his little face against the glass. the little boy was CLEARLY scared to death. Another one of those moments.
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March 20th, 2009 at 6:56 am
I don’t know if it is the way I am or because of my cancer but it is very important to me that people always know how I feel about them. You don’t always get a second chance to let people know. I think you can show people you love them with your actions and it doesn’t take much for a child to really know they are loved and are safe.
I can’t imagine how that child must have felt. No matter what, going in that pool was not as important as the child’s sense of safety, which I am sure has been damaged by that kind of treatment. It makes me incredibly sad that people often fail to take a step back and see the big picture. In the distant future, what will stick with the child? I am fairly certain it won’t be the swimming part of it.
But then again I am frequently disappointed with how people in general treat each other. I’m not sure why some people fail to remember that they sould treat each other with kindness. It doesn’t do anyone any good to focus on the little things and get all upset about them.
radioactive toris last blog post..What Is This Post Even About?
March 20th, 2009 at 7:30 am
Let’s hope that Mom was just having “one of those days”.
I remember Maggie at around that age during her swim lessons. There were days when the pool was a bit on the chilly side, or she was tired, or just plain didn’t feeeeel like swimming.
March 20th, 2009 at 7:36 am
Sucks. I see stuff like that all the time and it kills me. I think that too many people out there just weren’t really cut out to be parents, personally, but they gave in to societal pressure.
Suburban Turmoils last blog post..The Barbie Brouhaha
March 20th, 2009 at 7:39 am
I think that one falls into the sort of gray area that makes it hard. If it was far more overt, right in front of you (the hitting at least), I think it makes it easier to say something.
Sometimes I think the best thing to do is to set a good example and be a good parent, even when it is hard. You can’t change what other people do, but you can show them, and your own kids, that there are better ways to handle things.
Amelia Sprouts last blog post..Let the drama continue
March 20th, 2009 at 7:42 am
That makes me want to cry too. In general, I really, really try to adhere to the philosophy that parents are just trying to do the best they can, and crappy days happen to us all. But forcing children to “perform” is a push button topic for me. It seems only to serve the parent’s agenda for the most part.
I should also say that as someone who experienced seeing a friend be dragged out of water (after drowning), water fear CAN BE REAL. In this case, maybe the kid was thinking about Ursula from The Little Mermaid or some similar thing and was really afraid. What she needed was support, not scolding, embarrassment, and threats.
Honestly, though, I’m not sure what I would have done in the moment either. But try not to be hard on yourself — you did the best you could for YOUR child – you gave her support and love.
Boston Mamass last blog post..Spring Into Green Living
March 20th, 2009 at 7:43 am
I should clarify that there was a lower level class that would have been perfect for the kid I mentioned. Also, I think the pressure put on by these parents makes the kid even more afraid of the water which sort of defeats the purpose of the swimming lessons.
March 20th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Anything you may have said or done would have escalated that woman’s venom towards her child. While I have been known to tell violent parents in the grocery that they are being videotaped and store security is obliged to report them (a total lie), sometimes all we can do is hug our own more tightly.
Joie at Canned Laughters last blog post..Haven’t I Seen You Somewhere Before?
March 20th, 2009 at 7:49 am
Oh, God. That would have broken my heart into tiny pieces.
That DID just break my heart into tiny pieces.
slouching moms last blog post..What Lies Beneath
March 20th, 2009 at 7:50 am
With three children who make a habit of pushing my own buttons, I definitely strive to give other parents the benefit of the doubt. I know I’ve raised my voice in public before, especially when the kids have done something dangerous.
It was what she said that bothered me so much. And how she seemed to disregard her child’s fear.
March 20th, 2009 at 8:15 am
I openly and blatantly stare, just to make sure the parent knows that people are watching, and maybe they will consider that what they are doing might not be OK. Then if they say “You got a problem?”, I can answer their question honestly in a friendly and cheerful manner.
Bugfrogs last blog post..Human Online Identity
March 20th, 2009 at 8:23 am
That’s just awful. So sad. And unfortunately, I think Joie is right–had you tried to intervene, the woman likely would have gotten defensive, and that wouldn’t help her kid any.
mayberrys last blog post..The Mad Family
March 20th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Although a bit bothersome, I don’t see why it’s anyone’s place to say anything. Not your parenting style? Fine. But saying something? Hardly your place. I’m assuming that you’ve done something in the past that made someone else go WTF?! Would you like it if they got involved? So you did the right thing, watched and felt bad but said nothing.
March 20th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Funny, I just read that and missed the flesh being struck part until I read the comments and now I’m having trouble seeing through my tears.
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March 20th, 2009 at 10:20 am
And now that I can see.
I hate spanking.
I HATE IT.
I have yelled at my kids and I have put them down harshly and I feel like the world’s biggest jackass.
The smacking, spanking, hitting, whatever.
SUCKS.
Motherhood Uncensoreds last blog post..Meet my nemesis
March 20th, 2009 at 10:21 am
Ugh.
That brought back some ugly childhood memories.
My heart is heavy for that child.
March 20th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Don’t beat yourself up. I don’t think any good would have come of saying anything. And, since you didn’t actually see the smack, it could have gone really badly.
Fear is one thing I absolutely respect. Who am I to say which fear is real and which isn’t? And what if I did and I got it wrong?
March 20th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Spanking aside, which I think is awful, that mother is removing anything that resembles fun from an activity like swimming. To shame your child when they are feeling insecure about an activity will only induce dread. I should know _ reading your post pretty much gave me a flashback.
dianas last blog post..What I have in common with prison inmates and other issues
March 20th, 2009 at 10:40 am
This makes me very sad because my son is very anxious about getting in the pool (his sensory disorder does not help him here) and he had a really hard time with beginning swimming lessons last year. I would get frustrated with him some times, and maybe even a little snippy, just because it’s hard to deal with a child screaming in your ear and clawing his way up you like a cat in a bath over and over again. But I can NEVER imagine myself hitting him because he didn’t want to do it, or telling him he had failed.
If a child has a real phobia of the water, that kind of treatment will either make the fear worse, crush the kid’s self esteem, or both, IMO.
I did wonder constantly at the time my son was in swim class what the other parents at the pool thought of me. It was a big class at the neighborhood pool, and none of the other parents knew me or knew that my son had a medical reason to be so uncomfortable.
A lot of them looked at me disapprovingly. Some of them probably thought I wasn’t disciplining my child well enough because I WASN’T hitting him for “disobeying” (spanking kids is as common as grass in this working class Midwestern neighborhood). Some of them probably thought I was being cruel because I kept insisting he get back in the water, and putting him in again even as he cried (I know I FELT like the cruelest mother on the planet pushing him back in the water).
I wonder if that mother felt the glaring judgment of other parents around her, too. I wonder if she was embarrassed. I wonder if it made her overreact.
As my kid got a little more acclimated to swim class during the second month-long term, I started making a point of going up to parents of new children in the second class who were having trouble and refusing to get in the water, and saying, “My kid used to be scared to get in the pool, too.” Maybe that’s what you could say, if you see her again. Even if it isn’t true.
Maybe if she realizes it’s a normal thing, and it doesn’t make everyone think she’s a bad parent, she’ll stop punishing her kid for being a kid at the pool. One can hope.
(I never know what to say to parents I see hitting kids inappropriately in the moment it’s happening, either. It seems like saying anything makes it worse.)
March 20th, 2009 at 10:45 am
When I was around 18, I was supervising one day at my old retail job and had to go outside to grab a shopping cart for a customer. While outside, I witnessed a mother wallop her child’s backside repeatedly (while her friend stood by doing nothing), dragging and shaking her by the arm and screaming at her because the little girl was in tears, repeatedly stating that she didn’t feel good and that she was going to throw up. I was shaking, watching (and hearing) this go down.
I didn’t say anything to the woman, but I went back into the store and called the police. I explained what I had seen and told the woman on the phone that, while the people were still in the store, I had no idea how long they’d be there, so time was of the essence (we were an anchor store to the mall, so people used our store to get to the rest of the stores all the time).
I then called my mom and bawled because it unsettled me so much. As they left my line of sight, I got off the phone and followed them. After about 30 minutes, they left. I called the police AGAIN, and was told that they hadn’t sent anyone out because it didn’t sound “urgent.” Being 18 and scared of authority figures, I likely didn’t push as hard as I would now, but I asked what WOULD have made it sound urgent.
Apparently I didn’t use the right word. Because I said “smack” instead of “slap” or “spank,” they didn’t deem it urgent enough to send an officer to investigate.
It still makes me ill to know that, while I tried to help, it still didn’t do any damned good.
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March 20th, 2009 at 10:48 am
It’s hard to know what to do. Or to know if doing something, saying something makes it worse for the kid.
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March 20th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Aw… this makes me wanna cry. I sympathize with you too. I’m a conflict avoider and am always berating myself after the fact for not speaking up when I felt that I should have.
In this case, I don’t know. It’s just sad and I worry that such a mother might generally be lacking in empathy towards her child…
RHWs last blog post..Unconditional Love
March 20th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Blah blah long comment including anecdote about one time I got spanked. (delete)
I daydream sometimes about getting into fights with dads who are being assholes to their kids.
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March 20th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
I think you should be proud of yourself for taking the opportunity to tell your daughter how you feel about her. A child her age could very easily witness what happened to the other girl and conclude that you condone this behavior or that you might have the same thing in store for her. You may not have approached the mother, but you did approach your daughter and you did tell her that you are proud of her and that you love her, and that does tell her that you do not condone that behavior and that you will not prescribe to it yourself. Which is something to be proud of, in my opinion.
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March 20th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Argh.
I welled up a little reading that.
Some people really suck.
Kellys last blog post..Unappetizing
March 20th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
Just reading this made my heart start pounding. I have raised my voice a little too loudly at my kids in stores, but I still get upset when I hear other parents do it. Since I became a Mom, I have had to pretend that I don’t know that child abuse happens. I can’t even watch the news or read most of the newspaper anymore.
Because if I let myself really think about it, let myself imagine what happened to that poor little girl at the pool when “Daddy got home”, I wouldn’t be able to handle it at all.
However, I’d like to think that if I ever saw a serious situation, I’d be able to get help in some way.
March 20th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
It is hard to know what (if anything) is appropriate to do in these types of situations. I know that if someone tries to correct my child when I am already doing so I get very angry at the person who intervened. I know that isn’t really this situation since the kid wasn’t acting up. But I think in any tense situation, trying to diffuse the parent’s anger is probably the best option. Perhaps saying something non-judgemental like “sometimes parenting is so frustrating isn’t it?”
Heathers last blog post..Love Faith and Peace
March 20th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
More than the spanking, her words bothered me.
Miss Graces last blog post..Productivity is relative
March 21st, 2009 at 4:17 am
I’ve been that mom, to a point. When my son was 3, I paid for an 8wk swimming class that ran the same time as his sisters’ classes. It was frustrating as hell to have the one kid who would not go near the water—I think our biggest day was when he sat on the steps. I eventually stopped dressing him for class but we still had to go b/c of his sisters.
So, I really, really understand what it feels like to get so frustrated at your child (who is different), at the money being pissed away ($75) and at the time I’m spending sweating by the pool trying to talk him into trying it just once. BUT (and this is a big but), I did my best to never get angry b/c what is that going to accomplish?
There was another mom I had seen going through this same hell one day when D was no longer dressing. I only vaguely knew her but emailed her afterward to tell her that I had been in that same exact position and not to feel badly. As “sister-mommas”, it’s important to me to know that others have walked that same walk; we aren’t alone.
Fairly Odd Mothers last blog post..When Homeschooling is Good. . .
March 21st, 2009 at 2:23 pm
This is that terrible grey area stuff where it is impossible to know what to do.
March 21st, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Call me a bitch, but I probably would have said something like, “kids aren’t circus monkeys.”
Course I’m the type to say ‘the world isn’t your ashtray’ to a person who throws their cigarette butt on the ground.
That’s really sad Julie. Totally sucks.
March 21st, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Hmmm. I hesitate to post, for fear that I will sound like an ass after everyone above has said how horrified they were…
I have had 3 very different children. 1 is like CJ in that she is easy to please, does what she says she’s going to do (mostly) and responds well to polite, calm words.
I have 1 child who must have a monotone voice used when he would freak out in a public place (far too often). He would only calm down if he was left in a corner with me beside him, not making eye contact, but being present. Sometimes took upwards of an hour for him to regain control of himself… Lots of fun.
I have another child who doesn’t respond to calm voices, polite requests, or gentle, but stern voices. He is also the child who will claim to be thrilled about an outing/class/new situation/etc. until he gets there and maybe decides that he doesn’t want to do it. It doesn’t matter that the situation isn’t negotiable/was expensive/is a safety precaution/etc. Stubborn doesn’t cover his reaction…. The only thing that works for him (unfortunately) is harshness. It KILLS me. It really does, but he has to have the ultimate threat or punishment doled out before he will respond and concede to the authority of his parent’s wishes.
Perhaps this little girl is way more difficult than we give her credit for? Perhaps this was her idea to have her grandparents fly out to watch her and they spent tons of money and she let them down?
I don’t know. I’m not saying that the way she handled it was correct or mature. But I am saying that I am not always correct or mature in my dealings with my own children. I am not looking for a pass on my bad behavior, but I certainly wouldn’t have responded well to a stranger butting into a confrontation between my son and myself…
traceys last blog post..Great. Now I’m hungry…
March 21st, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Appreciate giving other parents the benefit of the doubt. We all do it every day, and others do it for us. None of us are always on our best behavior.
Likewise, we all parent differently. What works for one child doesn’t necessarily work for another, so we modify our disciplinary tactics accordingly.
However, I don’t believe that shame is an appropriate disciplinary tactic, especially not for a young child.
March 22nd, 2009 at 6:06 am
Tears here too. What is with people?
Mom101s last blog post..On motherhood and identity and generalizations and the crazy jeckyl and hyde-ness of it all
March 22nd, 2009 at 8:51 am
Swimming lessons have been a challenge for our family too. Learning to swim is important to me as I spent childhood afraid of water and not really knowing how to swim. So I wanted my daughter to be confident in the water. But after two sessions of lessons and making progress with her naturally cautious nature she had an experience that made her feel very insecure with her skills. We debated about what to do and finally settled on going to the lessons and asking the instructors to work within her limitations. Because that is what I would have needed as a child.
We so often forget about those childhood fears when we become adults/parents. We want our children to perform because it reflects well upon us. But it isn’t us that has to perform. My heart breaks for that little girl, especially for being shamed in front of the whole pool, her grandparents and you and your daughter. These things stick longer in the mind, the physical pain only reinforces that emotional pain IMHO. I never know what to say to people in those situations…but I want to scream at people…THEY ARE JUST A LITTLE KID, LEAVE THEM BE.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:30 am
It was really hard for me to read this post, as a highly emotional pregnant woman. This stuff really bothers me.
As you said, mothergoosemouse, it’s the shaming of the child that is awful to me, especially because this wasn’t a safety issue or anything like that. It was because she wouldn’t perform when her mother wanted her to. What this mother did? It may be a different parenting style, but I simply don’t think that humilation and shame is ever a good way to raise a child.
Meanwhile, I’m going to believe that the mother slapped her own leg in frustration and didn’t hit the girl. And you all can let me believe it, or I’ll start crying in a way that only a moody pregnant woman can do.
caramamas last blog post..Question of the Week – Those Girls and Their Cookies
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:31 am
Oh, and I totally meant to say that I don’t think there was really anything you could have done for the girl, as others have said. You did a wonderful job with your own daughter, and that is sometimes all you can do.
caramamas last blog post..Question of the Week – Those Girls and Their Cookies
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:37 am
Oh my goodness. My eyes are welling with tears, too.
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:43 pm
Oh, man, that’s sad. It chokes me. It’s so hard to imagine not knowing how you’re kid is feeling, even through your own frustration and anger.
I have to believe that she didn’t know because believing that she knew and just didn’t care? I can’t handle that right now.
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March 24th, 2009 at 8:34 am
sob! Man. Oh, man!