What’s the difference between love and hemorrhoids?
Hemorrhoids last forever.
Oh sure, they might temporarily recede, tricking you into thinking that they’ve disappeared entirely. But don’t be fooled; they’re just dormant.
It doesn’t take much to bring them out though. Even the power of suggestion – for example, a friend complaining that hers have flared up – can coax them out of hiding. Next thing you know, you’re walking around trying to ignore the grape squeezed between your ass cheeks.
Now, don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. When you were a kid, you winced at those ridiculous Preparation H commercials, thinking that the only people who had hemorrhoids were constipated old farts. Meanwhile, your mother sat silently by, never letting on that she, in fact, had hemorrhoids herself.
Because if you’ve been pregnant – even if you never pushed that baby out of your body – chances are you’ve got hemorrhoids.
And it’s okay!
Well, it’s okay in the sense that you can admit it; nobody’s going to judge you. Certainly not any of your fellow moms, that is. Vicki Iovine wrote about them quite candidly in the Girlfriend’s Guide. Howard Stern held a contest to find the World Biggest Hemorrhoid and awarded $10,000 to the winner – who, as I recall, had a hemorrhoid the size of a grapefruit.
You might be comfortable buying condoms or pregnancy tests or tampons at the grocery store. You might even get a little giggle out of watching the teenage bag boy squirm as he packs up your purchases. But it’s hard to watch a tube of Preparation H make its way down the conveyor when everybody knows that there’s a fifty-fifty chance you’ll duck into the grocery store restroom and smear that stuff on your own little bunch of ass grapes immediately instead of waiting to do it in the privacy of your own bathroom because OMG IT HURTS SO FREAKING BAD.
You don’t want to sit on a donut pillow or take a sitz bath. You don’t want to stand up or walk or run or climb stairs. You don’t want to have sex. And you absolutely, positively do NOT want to go to the bathroom.
You want to lie down with an ice cube nestled between your cheeks, a John Hughes movie on TV and a pint of premium ice cream beside you. Better yet, a good bottle of wine – no glass necessary.
Whether or not that’s what you get, take heart. Those ass grapes of wrath will ease up eventually.
In the meantime, tell your husband that if he wants to have sex with you again anytime soon, he’ll go out and buy you a tube of Preparation H.
March 19th, 2009 at 5:51 am
Right this moment I’m extremely happy I had a c-section. Oy.
catnips last blog post..it pays to be dumb sometimes
March 19th, 2009 at 6:55 am
This post is great! I walked away from birth without the lovely hemorrhoids. I mentally prepared myself for them, heard all the horror stories and even bought some Preparation H before I gave birth, and never had to use it. THANK GOD!
Hollys last blog post..Sooo in Love with this Guy!!!
March 19th, 2009 at 8:43 am
“ass grapes of wrath”
Thank you. You have made my day, week, and month. Possibly, also the year.
I love you.
And all it took was a little open talk about your ass. I feel the bonding.
xxxxoooo
Jozet at Halushkis last blog post..PSA: People! Please, please, please!
March 19th, 2009 at 8:57 am
“The ass grapes of wrath,” sigh. You’re really making me look forward to childbirth, hear? Lol.
Hey, I got your package in the mail yesterday. THANK YOU!!!!
Sarah @ BecomingSarah.coms last blog post..Momnesia?
March 19th, 2009 at 9:06 am
sigh. I’m not even pregnant (never have been) and of this moment, I know EXACTLY what this post is talking about. Ass grapes of wrath indeed.
March 19th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Your blog ate my comment damnit.
I just said something about how I blame the South for my ‘roids. AND, that I’m actually jealous of my husband’s peaceful and pleasant shits.
That’s when you know you’ve got them bad.
Motherhood Uncensoreds last blog post..Hearing voices
March 19th, 2009 at 10:53 am
My C-section did not stop the ‘roids. Got them during pregnancy, and boy did they stay around for a long time after the birth! To be perfectly honest, I had gotten them even before then, years and years ago. But never as bad as the ones that developed during pregnancy. Luckily, this pregnancy is going easier in that area!
I’m going to pretend I’m not embarrassed to say this… I find the Prep H suppositories (one before bed for a few nights in a row) help mine go away sooner. (That’s in addition to the cream during the day.) It is uncomfortable and gross, but I can’t argue with the results. Nothing has worked better for me.
caramamas last blog post..Our Growing Family
March 19th, 2009 at 11:18 am
I’ll go ahead and put this in the “con” column on my “should I try to get pregnant again?” list.
mayberrys last blog post..The Mad Family
March 19th, 2009 at 11:34 am
LOVED THIS SOOOOOO MUCH!
tanyettas last blog post..BARGAIN SHOPPING AND A WINNER!
March 19th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Um…
Mom101s last blog post..On motherhood and identity and generalizations and the crazy jeckyl and hyde-ness of it all
March 19th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
So true! Sigh…I wish mine would go away! They REAR their ugly little heads every once in a while.
jennifer ozunas last blog post..Eating Healthy to Lose Weight and Keep it Off
March 20th, 2009 at 1:00 am
This post is hilarious and the total truth.
evis last blog post..All is Vanity, Nothing is Fair
March 20th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Thank you for the laugh! I am 38 weeks pregnant with a sinus infection AND pink eye AND yes, the same hemmorhoids from my first pregnancy that returned and have been with me all nine months… I needed this laugh today!
Lizs last blog post..You’re too pregnant — find someone else to help
March 21st, 2009 at 3:48 pm
And OMG, the itching. The burning itch confined to a two centimeter radius that has you convinced that somehow your ass crack managed to sit itself in a patch of poison ivy without your knowing. And then set a small fire in said crack.
Four years later. Still roiding.
April 6th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
I’m never having kids…
I’m glad I found your blog haha.