Because love is not enough
Kyle and I had only known each other a few weeks when I discovered that he had been raised as a Christian Scientist.
We were looking through an old photo album in which his mother had captioned a photo taken after Kyle had been hit by a car when he was four years old: “He was healed through prayer and Christian Science.”
“Christian Science?” I asked incredulously. He shrugged and put the book away.
The night we met, I had been studying for my final exam in Food Microbiology. He quizzed me on dozens of bacteria that – unknown to me – he’d been taught didn’t actually cause disease. By the time we had our first conversation about Christian Science, I was knee-deep in Human Parasitology, sketching page after page of mosquitoes and ticks as viewed under a microscope – vectors of diseases that his religious upbringing denied existed.
I rolled the idea of Christian Science over and over in my mind. Not whether I could accept such beliefs myself – that would have been impossible – but whether I could accept a boyfriend whose family’s beliefs were so diametrically opposite to mine. Granted, he already doubted the tenets of Christian Science, but I knew that religious beliefs – especially holdovers from childhood – die hard.
I couldn’t wrap my head around the inherent denial of disease; how could anyone reach such conclusions in the face of scientific evidence? I was unmoved by Mary Baker Eddy’s writings; how could one woman from the 19th century be right and hundreds of thousands of biologists and medical doctors be wrong? I grew angry as I thought about the parents who put their children at risk by denying them medical treatment; how could anyone disregard proven scientific facts where it came to the health and well-being of those whom they love most?
I told Kyle that I couldn’t accept Christian Science, ever. In any form. I told him that it bothered me greatly that he had ever accepted it. That his parents had denied him vaccinations and regular checkups and medicine when he was sick. That he’d suffered unnecessarily. I told him that I would never allow medical treatment to be withheld from any of my children, ever.
I told him all of this knowing full well that he might respond by telling me that this was a deal-breaker, that if I couldn’t accept Christian Science, his family could not accept me.
But he didn’t.
I never asked him to disavow Christian Science, although in retrospect, I believe that if he hadn’t done so of his own volition, we wouldn’t still be married. In fact, I expect we would have never gotten married.
Because as much as I loved him, I needed to respect him too. And I couldn’t respect the absolute denial of science inherent in Christian Science.
Many differences can be overlooked. Some differences should be overlooked.
But there are differences which are impossible to overlook.
February 16th, 2009 at 10:27 am
It takes an incredibly strong person to break away from what they are taught and to think independently. I wouldn’t be able to live with those beliefs either. It’s a testament to his character that he was able to think critically and come to his own conclusions.
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February 16th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
I know we have religious freedom and that we are all supposed to be able to believe what we want, but I just don’t understand what kind of belief system allows you to let a child (or adult!) suffer when something like a $30, 10-day course of antibiotics would end the suffering.
I worked with a man whose mom died when he was a child because she would not get treatment for an infection. His life was a huge mess, partly because he never got over her loss (he was an in-the-closet gay dad of twins, an evangelical, gambling, drug, alcohol and tobacco addict). I can’t believe that God would have wanted his mom to die. In fact, I believe that God gave us all the tools we need to solve our problems – big brains, able bodies – but we are too stubborn and stupid to do so.
February 16th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Faith, rationalism, belief, and science – what a brew to disentangle.
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February 16th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
My dad was raised Christian Scientist as well. He left the church when he turned 18 and is now pretty much an atheist who believes he was raised in a cult. He raised us without ANY religion at all and refused to let his parents even bring it up in front of us.
As much as I despise the idea of eschewing modern science, I grew up surrounded by an incredibly POSITIVE group of relatives. I don’t believe in god, but if you take the god part out of faith, it’s really just positive thinking and I think we do truly underestimate the power of that. There is this peaceful calm HAPPINESS that surrounds Christian Scientists (most of them anyway – some of the old dudes get grumpy when they see doctors on TV) and it’s an attitude I’ve always admired.
The funny thing is that from what little you’ve shared about Kyle, the fact that he was raised that way explains a lot about his personality!
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February 16th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
@Amanda – Very positive! My FIL is so easygoing and optimistic, and Kyle is too, which has been a good influence on me.
February 16th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
My husband was raised Catholic and we had much the same discussion – but with regards to Catholicism instead. For me, it didn’t have anything to do with respect, I just didn’t want to spend the next fifty years living the wars of religion under my own roof.
I think it’s really a testament to my husband’s character – and to your husband’s, for that matter – that he was able to come to his own beliefs independent of what had been hammered into him as a child. And while we still don’t agree, we’re much closer than we were. It makes a world of difference. I commend you for having the strength to have that talk with him; it’s a hard topic to broach.
Sarahs last blog post..Sorry, Hank.
February 16th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
My mother was raised as a Christian Scientist and I watched my grandparents practice their faith right up until the day they died. My grandfather was healthy as a horse, building docks at his marina well into his seventies. My mother did not raise us as Christian Scientists but she wasn’t a big medicine taker, and neither am I.
I think my grandfather was healthy because he believed and mind over matter is a powerful thing. It would never work for me and didn’t for my mother. My aunt, however, claims to have given birth w/o any pain b/c of her Christian Science beliefs. I envy her her faith.
February 16th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Christian Scientist, eh? I can’t even wrap my mind around the idea. It just seems ludicrous. But then, history is littered with ideas that seemed ludicrous that turned out to be right, so I try not to be too critical.
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February 16th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
My husband comes from a deeply Catholic family (both parents). When we met, he had decided on atheism (my upbringing). If he hadn’t, I’m sure we never would have gotten past the first few dates. Like you said, some differences, can’t be overlooked. That being said, his parents couldn’t be kinder to both of us. They represent in many ways, the best tenets of Christianity.
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February 17th, 2009 at 6:48 am
My dad’s good friend, who was an ardent Christian Scientist, died of a heart attack while on a golfing trip with his thirteen-year-old son. He had never insisted that medical treatment be withheld from his child, but his own adherence to Christian Science robbed the boy of his father (to say nothing about his wife). It still seems like such a waste.
February 17th, 2009 at 9:36 am
I have been a practicing Christian Scientist foralmost 30 years, having been healed of a diagnosed incurable illness in my 20’s. I was brought up in a home without religion and wasn’t looking for one, but after reading Mrs. Eddy’s writings and being healed by what I condiser to be a transformation of thought, it was the most natural thing in the world to want to know more about her ideas. This led me to the Bible, which I have been an avid student of since my healing.
There are many misconceptions about Christian Science out there, especially regarding care for children. I don’t know of a single Christian Science parent who would withhold the best possible care for their child. The unfortunate cases in the media are, any thinking person would have to admit, extremely rare. There are many more tragic cases reported of children harmed by medical mistakes, misdiagnoses, and other such things. It doesn’t stop people from seeking medical care.
My faith is based on my experience with Christian Science. It doesn’t prevent me from having a keen interest in the natural sciences also. I don’t see a conflict at all. My perspective is different, because I see creation as an outflow of the creative Mind, and I want to know all about it. Even Jesus expressed an interest in nature in his comment about the fowls of the air (Matt. 6:26, and the lilies of the field, (Matt. 6:28). The Gospels also state that he sometimes retreated to a garden to pray, even at night, so presumably he had no problem with bugs either.
Everyone has a story about a dear one who passed on under Christian Science care after refusing medical treatment. I could say the same about dear ones who passed on after medical treatment, sometimes horribly, but I wouldn’t condemn the medical establishment. It was their choice.
How one lives their life, their presence in the community, their care of their fellow creatures is what anyone should be judged by, not which religious label they wear.
As for your husband, Kyle, there must have been a reason he rejected the faith his parents raised him with. I’m sure you have discussed it with him at length and feel confident in his reasoning. Since you married him, you obviously were attracted to the qualities that make him the wonderful man that he is, and that came from the environment he was raised in as well as the choices he has made since being on his own.
I think we all have a great deal to learn about God and creation, which includes us. I’m happy to spend my days doing that, and looking for evidence of His/Her presence everywhere, and in everyone.
February 17th, 2009 at 9:59 am
This stuff is right up there with the belief that dinosaurs were on the planet a mere 4,000 years ago. I bet you’re glad you had that conversation when you did!
February 17th, 2009 at 11:56 am
More people need to have those kinds of real, tough conversations way before they get married!
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February 17th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Oh, so much to respond to! Arline, you wrote a lovely post, thank you. And thank you for reading my wife’s blog. First things first. You wrote “there must have been a reason he rejected the faith his parents raised him with”. Remember, a “preposition” is a word we should never end a sentence with, ha ha. Joking aside, this is an interesting point coming from one raised sans religion. You rejected the upbringing of your parents as well, would it be fair to ask you or assume there’s a reason for your conversion as there would be for my deconversion? As it happens, I became more and more dissatisfied with Christian Science (CS) with the more I read and understood.
It was in college. I was president of the CS Student Organization. My sophomore year, I took philosophy courses which really jarred my worldview and demanded that I think more deeply. I had always held that CS was the “thinking man’s” religion; after all MBE said, “the time for thinkers has come!” and many of her theories seemed so deep that I figured one had to be super smart to really understand them. So I figured I’d consult a Practioner and visit a Reading Room to dig deeper. I read the Bible cover to cover (a lot of boring “begats” in there!) – and fully intended to combat the secular worldview my philosophy professor taught with even better Christian reasoning. The problem was the more I dug, the greater my doubts became. I read not only apologist literature (which is heavily weighted to the evangelical paradigm and did not help me a lot), and arguments against religion in general and finally against theism specifically.
I had the most difficultly shedding my belief because it was a warm snuggly blanket. The god of CS is a loving father-mother god. There’s no devil or hell. My brothers and I were healthy as horses growing up, so lack of medicine didn’t matter and I didn’t feel deprived. I liked the idea of an after life. But again – the more I learned the more I understood that there was no evidence for any of it.
You stated that 30 years ago you were healed through prayer of an incurable illness. On the face of it, that statement makes no sense. If it was incurable then you still would not be cured… but I understand your point. On Wednesday CS services I heard dozens of these testimonials weekly; I even gave a few. Unfortunately anecdotal evidence is not proof. No double blind scientific study has ever proven prayer does any more than a placebo. As a poster mentioned previously, the power of positive thinking is amazing. Consider the fact that all religions claim prayerful cures, some thru intercessories (Catholics), some to different gods/devils, some to aliens or no gods at all. It can be deduced therefore that belief in something can create a very positive mindset and this has a powerful placebo healing effect. Its interesting but it does not prove god exists or that prayer works – it speaks more to the power of the human mind. Medicine however, has been proven to be effective in double blind studies. MBE was raised and created CS it the evangelical groundswell that was the mid 1800’s – much like Mormanism (curious, no?). Back then, medicine was medieval in a lot of respects and her lamenting that medicine kills more than prayer (“positive thinking”) was likely accurate. Today it is not.
If CS makes you happy and comfortable, then by all means continue. But I would challenge you to read Harris or Barker and endeavor to pray for someone who’s legs have been lost/amputated for them to be re-grown (a feat no amount of placebo could fix). And consider this – if CS were effective and relevant in 2009 as it was in 1909, why then is it in such a decline? Shedding the myths and superstition of religion is at first scary but then freeing and invigorating! Carpe diem!
February 17th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Assertagirl – fyi, my deconversion was a 7-8yr process begun as an intellectual journey to defend christianity in college – 5yrs before meeting Julie. Julie was a rock for me during the last couple of years of my deconversion, not arguing but gently pushing me the way I was already going. Seeing the light, as it were, was of my volition.
One other point – my parents, unlike a minority of C Scientists, would and did seek medical attention if they thought it was warrented. The cases of neglect are real, but the worst I ever suffered was sustained pain from a headache for lack of an aspirin.
February 17th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
The Mother Church of Christ, Scientist
is located in the state I grew up in, and when my mother was a teacher, she had a number of students whose families belonged to the church. I remember how angry my mother was, when a Christian Scientist of middle-school age showed up in the nurse’s office, crying because her strep throat had her in so much pain.
“And the nurse wasn’t allowed to help her! Don’t these people know the reason so many more children live to adulthood these days is because we can treat things that used to be deadly? Like strep?”
Well, if it weren’t for CS, I never would have visited the Mapparium. Faith-healing balderdash aside, that place is all kinds of cool. Especially when you’re little.
Kyle– I probably didn’t have to make as big a leap out of faith as you, but when I did, my husband helped me “[see] the light…of my own volition,” like Julie supported you.
Lucky us, eh?
Beats the hell out of getting hitched to my first boyfriend, a Jehovah’s Witness whose mother was excommunicated for getting a blood transfusion…
February 17th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Oh,so much to respond to indeed. Pardon my grammar. I do accasionally slip. As for the reason for my conversion, it was as I stated, going from hopeless debilitation to perfect health in a moment that got my attention. I knew nothing about CS, but I wanted to know how and why it happened. I found my answers in Mrs. Eddy’s book.
The fact that you went the other way after studying philosophy is not surprising. You and your family are healthy and happy, so we, in fact, have no quarrel whatever. I just think it unfortunate that you equate CS with child neglect and abuse, especially as you experienced none of that and reject it for other reasons. Is it any less tragic to lose a child through medical care? I think not.
I would no more claim to regrow amputated limbs through prayer at this point than I would claim that I can walk on water, and neither does any other Christian Scientist, nor did Mrs. Eddy.
February 18th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Absolutely. I’m completely with you on this. Years ago I had a somewhat serious boyfriend who told me that his view of Christianity relied on the notion that, as a married couple, I was basically a second-class citizen. He received his orders from God and I followed his interpretation. Then I had a student who was Jehovah’s Witness. His parents provided me with literature on the church so that I woudn’t violate any of its tenets in our classroom….like involving him in the voting process for eraser monitor (getting him to vote or electing him on the basis of that vote). He was basically an outsider after that. To have the ability to sidestep disease and then ignore it? Sorry. Just sounds like a child’s best interest isn’t really being taken into account.
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February 18th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Arline, first of all spontaneous remission is a common occurrence (relatively speaking). Because the scientific community cannot explain all such instances yet (wiki ref: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spontaneous_remission), does not mean CS is true, or Zoroastrianism, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster! This is a god-of-the-gaps rational. Early bronze-age man didn’t know what caused lighting and thunder – so Thor (after which we name Thursdays) was created. He filled the gap in human understanding. As mankind’s understanding grew, these gaps closed and the need for these gods is now gone.
Withholding bloodletting or snake oil from a sick child in lieu of chicken soup and a dollop of positive thinking WAS logical and prudent in 1860 (using the lens of 2009). But withholding proven antibiotics from a child suffering from a bacterial infection IS child abuse. Antibiotic compounds were not isolated until the 20th century AFTER Eddy correctly castigated the infantile medicine practices of that day. But it would be the height of credulity and willful naïveté to make the statement that Penicillin doesn’t cure a host of STDs or that Polio hasn’t been effectively eradicated from the United States as a direct result of massive nationwide inoculations. Ask yourself this: You take your 5yr old child on a trip overseas to Africa for a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. There, through no fault or action of her own, she contracts a deadly bacterial disease. What do you do? Give her a warm blanket and 7-Up and a Practitioner’s prayer in hopes that your daughter will be one of the lucky few to spontaneously recover OR do you give her a treatment of antibiotics which has a near 100% track record of curing this hypothetical bacterial disease? Answer A) and I would call you a child abuser and if she died, an accessory to murder.
As for Ms Eddy’s claims – read a little deeper and not just CS literature. She does make fantastic claims – not for regrowing amputated limbs true, but equally fantastic ones. My point in bringing up that litmus test is that it would truly and finally put the kibosh on the argument whether prayer is efficacious.
February 20th, 2009 at 8:09 am
Yes. That would have been difficult for me to accept too.
This was a great post.
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February 20th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
I know all the arguments about spontaneous remission, etc., have heard all the cliches, etc. None of it negates my life experience or that of countless thousands of others who live lives of active prayer. You won’t find us bashing the religion (or none) of other people (or the medical establishment) but living to be an active force for good in our homes, our communities and in the world.