There’s a little bit of redneck in all of us
Some people have to make an effort to be a redneck. For me, it just happens naturally, thanks to sheer laziness.
Take, for example, what I prepared for dinner the other night: boxed Kraft Macaroni ‘n’ Cheese. That in itself isn’t so awful, but the “Best Before” date on the box was January 2008.
It is entirely possible that we brought that box of Mac ‘n’ Cheese with us from New Jersey in 2005.
Worse yet, I made it anyway and Tacy said it was delicious. But what does she know – she’s got a makeshift zipper pull (the wonders of paper clips!) on her winter jacket. My kid’s a redneck too.
Also, I can get kind of lazy with my personal care. I remember to wash my face before bed maybe half the time. My toenails are unpolished (although they are trimmed, not bitten), and my roots are about an inch long now (got an appointment the night before I leave for Mom 2.0). And in the morning, especially during cold season, I often do a lot of sniffling in lieu of simply getting a tissue.
Every time I sniffle, I can still hear my father growl, Get a tissue for god’s sake.
But the most enduring and irrefutable evidence of how my laziness begets redneck results was the mattress in the living room.
It had been mine since I was Tacy’s age. Hauled all over the eastern half of the country, it fulfilled many roles, including my bed, our guest bed, Tacy’s bed, and a trampoline for the kids, and it was fairly well worn out by the time it made the trip to Colorado.
So I really wasn’t surprised when my parents came to visit, slept on that mattress one night, and then emerged from the basement the next morning and offered to buy us a new one. As my father put it: “I cannot sleep on that thing another night. We’ve got to get a new mattress delivered TODAY.”
Unfortunately, the old one wasn’t hauled away, but merely up to the living room which was devoid of furniture except for a sofa and bookshelf. And there it remained for nearly a year – a lovely sight to greet visitors, who might’ve mistakenly thought we had some class.
We finally got rid of the old thing – not by hauling it away to the dump, but by propping it up against the mail box with a sign next to it: FREE. It was gone by morning, but we’ve been forever branded as rednecks.
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My friend Tanis, who calls herself the Redneck Mommy, is getting showered – and it’s a damn good thing, because after her post about yeast infections, I think we could all use a shower.
She may have bears in her backyard and a beat-up truck, but there’s a lot more to Tanis than her red neck. Thanks to all the ink, her neck is actually multicolored. Add in the piercings and the funky glasses and the unfiltered thoughts that pour from brain to blog, and I’ve got to wonder what glitch in the Canadian bureaucracy allowed her to take home an adorable little boy to join her family. It’s a good thing that her husband Boo, and her older children, Fric and Frac, are so normal.
Nonetheless, her new son could use some cool stuff of his own, and since Tanis has been to hell and back more than once, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to do something nice for her too.
After all, she did show me her boobs at BlogHer07.
Get the details over at Better Than a Playdate!
February 14th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Hey! We have that EXACT SAME box of mac and cheese. Except ours might have expired 2007. I never even check.
Her Bad Mothers last blog post..You Know You’re A Redneck Parent When…
February 15th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Yesterday I didn’t have enough milk for the microwave stroganoff so I used an open container of milk Hailey hadn’t finished the week before.
Jenny, Bloggesss last blog post..UPDATED: 50 bucks to take your 4-year-old to look at corpses = highway robbery
February 15th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
I have never loved you more.
Thank you.
But I’m never eating boxed mac and cheez at your house.
I may be a redneck but I have tastebuds.
Wink.
Redneck Mommys last blog post..Electric Moment
February 17th, 2009 at 11:58 am
A real redneck would probably have used expired milk (hi Jenny) and butter. Just sayin’. But the mattress… yeah.
mayberrys last blog post..I’m like a stereotypical sitcom husband
February 18th, 2009 at 11:41 am
Mac and Cheese expires? has a born on date? (wait, that’s beer)
Dude. *runs to pantry*
She is the fabulous and the mattress thing, slayed me.
Hell Yeah! To The Redneck Mommy and all other Redneck Moms out there!