Mastication is making him hate
Kyle is by far one of the most easygoing people I’ve ever known. He’s unflaggingly optimistic, always convinced that everything will work out for the best, and he’s rarely bothered by anything.
In fact, the only way to really get his goat – apart from leaving comments here regarding Young Earth Creationism – is to eat or drink audibly. In his eyes (and ears), mastication is analogous to waterboarding.
I discovered this pet peeve of his shortly after we started dating, when I popped a stick of gum into my mouth, and he winced.
“What?” I asked. “It’s just gum.”
“I hate gum,” he muttered, turning away. “Please. I can’t stand the noise.”
“The noise?” I looked at him like he was crazy. “I don’t chew loudly.”
He looked back at me. “I know. But still. I hate it. Please don’t chew gum around me.”
I spat out the gum. “What’s your deal? Why does gum bother you so much?”
Apparently, when he was a kid, his oldest brother would purposely chew loudly, right in Kyle’s ear. And since it bothered Kyle so much, his brother kept right on doing it. Still does, occasionally; I’ve seen him myself.
I could appreciate such a pet peeve, rooted in childhood annoyances perpetrated by siblings. My brother would park his car in our driveway and clean it, inside and out, while the bass speakers thumped incessantly right outside my bedroom. To this day, the sound of bass thumping from passing vehicles makes me want to pull my hair out.
I haven’t heard him comment about the mastication habits of any of our friends, but at every job he’s had since I’ve known him, he always tells me about the noisy eaters:
“Oh geez, you should have heard him eating Swedish fish today. They get stuck in his teeth and he sits there and sucks at them. It’s disgusting.”
“She’s so sweet, I love working with her, but I just wish she’d chew with her mouth closed. I can’t stand to look at her when she’s eating.”
“These people call me while they’re having lunch. The whole time we’re on the phone, they’re just munching away. Sometimes I ask what they’re eating, and then they get embarrassed and stop. But some of them just keep right on chewing.”
When Tacy started eating solid foods and moved on to feeding herself, Kyle marveled at how it didn’t bother him at all when she smacked and slurped. “It’s like I subconsciously know she doesn’t know any better, so I’m not annoyed by the noise,” he explained.
But somewhere around the time she turned four, he started complaining about the noise she made while eating and drinking. We’d already been reminding her to chew with her mouth closed and not to blow bubbles in her milk, but suddenly it was about more than manners to Kyle.
Even though now it’s CJ’s turn to start provoking his irritation, we’re still working with Tacy to break her mastication habits. It’s tough enough to get kids to remember to use their napkin and take their empty plate to the sink, let alone eat and drink as silently as possible. This is Kyle’s battle; I’ll let him fight it.
So, future would-be boyfriends of my daughters, be warned: High expectations await you where it comes to manners. You may open doors, bring flowers, and address us as Mr. and Mrs. – all of which are most welcome and will certainly endear you to us. But if you slurp your soup or crunch your chips, you might as well say your goodbyes right after dessert.
That is, if Kyle allows you to stick around that long.
——————————
I needed another project like I needed a hole in my head, but I couldn’t pass up the chance to join the Silicon Valley Moms Blog team in their latest regional blog launch – the Rocky Mountain Moms Blog!
Want to know what I saw at the grocery store yesterday afternoon that made me fumble for my cell phone and call Kyle to tell him once again that I want to move back to New York? Read on!
January 21st, 2009 at 5:20 am
I can TOTALLY understand Kyle’s feelings. I was never tortured by a sibling but I have always been very sensitive to soft sounds that people make while eating. They literally make we want to climb the walls. I kept it under wraps for the most part when my husband and I were dating but since then he knows that if he creeps up behind me while eating something I will lose my shit and yell at him to stop eating IN MY EAR. I know it’s mostly unreasonable to other people but I just find it so irritating that I can’t block it out. It’s only when things are quiet and so that means it’s usually my family that suffers my wrath – in a restaurant for example, there is enough background noise to drown out my companions eating sounds. I even blogged all about this very topic (http://www.livinginthegray.com/2007/07/29/stop-breathing-on-me/), that’s how insane I am! You can tell Kyle he’s not alone in his craziness!
Shannons last blog post..Thoughts On Inauguration Day
January 21st, 2009 at 7:57 am
Oh my – Warren has the exact same issue. We have worked very hard with Nathan over the last year to minimize this annoying and often disgusting habit. W deliberately will sit as far away from a known noisy eater (such as my dad) as he can.
January 21st, 2009 at 8:49 am
I think I’d have an ulcer worrying about whether I was chewing too loudly and bugging my husband.
Heathers last blog post..Is it Just Me or Does She Look Like She’s Going to be Walking Soon?
January 21st, 2009 at 10:52 am
I have a friend who is like this. I hate to say it, but I have been known to chew gum around him on purpose.
Issas last blog post..The Lost Inauguration Commentary
January 21st, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Thumping chest with fist in recognition of Kyle’s hatred of mastication. I am the same and unfortunately I’m raising a little girl who has clued into this early on… somedays I think she goes out of her way to make me insane. Or maybe I’m just a bit too sensitive… regardless, I get this hangup all too well.
January 21st, 2009 at 2:12 pm
I had to come back and check that I didn’t type mast*rb*tion because I get those words mixed up all the time (ha!)
katie ~ motherbumpers last blog post..call of the bliss
January 21st, 2009 at 8:17 pm
I have all kinds of sensory issues, and I swear to God, I’m going to have to kill my husband some day soon because of his excessively loud chewing. He would never be so audacious as to chew gum near me. Today my 7-year-old was eating a lollipop and I wanted to rip my ears off. So, I’m right there with Kyle.
Stimeys last blog post..Today Was a Good Day for America
January 21st, 2009 at 10:30 pm
open mouth eating drives me INSANE, though I am prone to the occasional lapse since my bigger peeve is weird smells. Smells distract and bother me so much I do not breath through my nose most of the day, thus making open mouth eating an occasional necessity
fidgets last blog post..Diagnosis
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:08 pm
I hate gum. Really hate it. But crunching loudly is a specialty. Nate wants to kill me any time I come home with chips.
Mom101s last blog post..January 20, 2009, est 9:46 AM
January 22nd, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Way cool on the new gig!
I confess, too, to sometimes just trying to get someone’s goat by doing what bothers him. And, yes, my “him” happens to be my husband. I don’t know how you manage to not give into temptation to drive him crazy sometimes. Poor guy.
patoiss last blog post..It’s on the Tip of My Tongue
January 23rd, 2009 at 8:36 am
I don’t like it, either, but it doesn’t make me disgusted like Kyle. However, I can’t stand it when someone forgets to thank their servers. That totally lessens my opinion of them a thousand fold…
traceys last blog post..Oh Please let my day get better from here….
January 23rd, 2009 at 6:57 pm
HA HA HAAA.
Oh, I love this.
The Man has the LOUDEST SWALLOW of anyone on the planet. Even _I_, the gum-snapper, give him grief about it.
Guess I just talked us out of a dinner invite.
The New Girls last blog post..The Next Top Remodel: Season Two
January 23rd, 2009 at 7:36 pm
I am just like Kyle. I HATE loud chewing. I don’t allow my husband to chew gum around me and when my coworkers used to chew gum around me, it drove me crazy. I have quit hairdressers because they chomped or snapped. My children will have perfect table manners. Perfect.
Caras last blog post..We’re Out
January 24th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
oh, he would **HATE** my mother. she’s a gum smacker and open mouth eater. it’s gross. funny thing is, it grossed all us kids out so much that the four of us are SO CONSCIENTIOUS of eating with our mouths SHUT.
MommyNamedAprils last blog post..A Few Things…
January 26th, 2009 at 10:01 am
This sounds like a lot of pressure. ha!
February 8th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
I hate loud chewing! My entire family does it! One member even breaths loudly while they chew loudly. Then he will lick his cup, grossly with his tougue out! And lick his fingers! With a finger popping sound! Shudder. The other is worse. She makes this sort of air in the back of her throat sound. It drives me crazy, and she talks with her mouth closed. Loud chewing is one of the many reasons I will never have children.
February 8th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
mouth open… hahaha, my family are the most disgusting chewers in history. I wear headphones or earplugs while they eat. But even ear plugs won’t block it all out. They’ll all belch loudly after aswell. I won’t eat with them anymore…
April 21st, 2009 at 5:53 pm
I am completly with Kyle 100%! When i grew up my parents would sit there and yell at me and my sister for chewing loudly or just with our mouths open! My sister eventually got irritated enough to start doing it around me when my parents were away from us. Then about 2 years later they started to chew loudly and “smack” there gum all around me! So to this day i avoid all known gum “smackers” and loud chewers.