If you say so
One afternoon last summer, Tacy came in from playing outside, looking frustrated. I asked her what was wrong.
“I don’t like it when my friends say things that I know aren’t true,” she complained. “When I say, That’s not true! they keep saying it is. I don’t like that.”
I smiled at her. “Yeah, that’s pretty annoying. Want to know what to do about it?”
She looked at me curiously. “You know how to make them tell the truth?” she asked.
I shook my head. “Nope. You can’t force them to admit they’re lying. But you don’t have to believe them either. When your friends say something that you know isn’t true, or even if you just don’t agree with them, here’s what to say: If you say so.”
She frowned. “What does that mean?”
“That means you’re not agreeing or disagreeing with them. You’re just acknowledging what they said they think,” I told her. “It doesn’t mean you think the same thing.”
“Oh,” she said, still sounding unsure.
“Trust me. It’ll drive them nuts.”
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On Monday, Tacy came home from school in a great mood, which promptly disintegrated when I reminded her that she had swim practice.
“If you need to throw a fit, go do it up in your room,” I told her. “Let me know when you’ve got it out of your system.”
She went up to her room, but she didn’t scream and cry. She changed into her swimsuit and sweats and came back downstairs.
“There’s a boy there who bothers me,” she admitted. “He’s always touching me and scratching me when we’re swimming. The coach tells me to swim behind him, but then he stops and messes around with another boy and they get in my way.”
“Did the coach see him?” I asked.
She nodded. “She told him if he did it one more time he’d have to get out.”
“Did he do it again?”
“No, but practice was over then.”
“Hmmm.” I thought a bit. “Well, if he’s preventing you from doing what the coach has told you to do, then it’s okay to tell the coach. But you should also tell him not to touch you.” I affected a menacing tone. “Don’t touch me again, or I’ll tell the coach. Got it?”
“Got it,” she agreed.
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On Wednesday, Tacy came home from school and the same scene played out – cheerful mood gave way to despair. But this time, the tears started.
“Your brother is sleeping,” I told her. “If you wake him, I will be very angry. Go down to the basement until you can get a hold of yourself, and then we’ll talk.” I closed the basement door.
A few minutes later, she came out. “Is it that boy again?” I asked.
She nodded. “He still bothers me. He touches me, he says everything that I say, he makes faces at me…” She trailed off, on the verge of tears again.
“Well, you have to ignore him when he repeats what you say and when he makes faces,” I told her. “If you give him any attention when he does that, he’ll just keep doing it.”
She sniffled.
“But,” I continued, “you don’t have to put up with him touching you. That’s when you should say something: Listen. I told you on Monday. Don’t. Touch. Me.”
She nodded.
“Practice,” I instructed her. “Say it with me: Listen. I told you on Monday. Don’t. Touch. Me.”
In unison, we said it. Then she said it herself. Several times.
We drove to the pool, where she repeated her line one last time before I pulled up in front to drop her off.
As I got out of the car, another mother waved at me: “Pool’s closed!” she called out. “They’re…uh…disinfecting it. Somebody had an accident.”
“Thanks!” I called back to her, chuckling as I got in the car and informed Tacy, “Pool’s closed on account of poop.”
She giggled. “Poop?!”
“Yeah. So remember your line for next Monday’s practice instead.”
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On Thursday, Tacy came home from school and began to fix herself a snack. “Hey, Mommy,” she began, “remember how I say If you say so to my friends when I don’t think they’re telling the truth?”
“Yep.”
“Well, they don’t like it. They told me to stop saying it.”
I laughed. “Oh really?”
“Yeah.” She stopped to lick peanut butter off the knife. “But they still say things that I know aren’t true, so I keep saying it.”
“Sometimes that’s just what you have to do,” I agreed. “Some things are worth an argument, and some things just aren’t.”
January 16th, 2009 at 5:31 am
That is so awesome! You won’t believe how much of your parenting knowledge I’ve tucked away for future use. I’m lucky your kids are a little older than mine or they would turn out rotten!
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January 16th, 2009 at 6:45 am
Two things:
1. I LOVE how you tell your daughter to go to her room/basement to get her tantrum over with before you talk to her. Excellent. I have done that over the years with my boys and it really does work. When children are upset like that, a mother is just wasting her breath until they calm down.
2. LOVE the “If you say so.” I am definitely filing that one away. I always tell my boys to just shrug and say, “whatever” whenever someone is annoying them like that. But I like “if you say so” better.
Thanks for sharing this great post with us!
Write From Karens last blog post..Special Scarves for Special People
January 16th, 2009 at 7:42 am
From me to you – well done. Really, we bloggers don’t tell each other enough when we hit the mark, and you’ve done it with this.
I can’t wait to hear when Tacy tells that little pool-brat what-for.
Hannahs last blog post..for someone with nothing to say, i sure do run on
January 16th, 2009 at 7:50 am
This is awesome. We do the “have your fit and then we’ll talk” routine, too, but I never would have thought to tell her about “If you say so.” Brilliant!
Please let us know what happens at swim practice on Monday. I hope Tacy really lets him have it.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
I love this age. Where they become little people and you can explain life to them and they get it. Love it.
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January 16th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
You rock. Can you come and parent my kids for me? You’re so much better at it than I.
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January 16th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
The cool down period is pure genius.
MommyNamedAprils last blog post..Just In Case You Were Wondering…
January 16th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
I liked this. You’ll really appreciate this post when she’s 10 years older…
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January 17th, 2009 at 1:49 am
I admire how confident you are about what to say in these situations.
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January 18th, 2009 at 10:19 am
“If you say so” sounds much less war-like than “Whatever.” I think I’ll incorporate that into my kids’ vocabulary.
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January 18th, 2009 at 11:04 am
This is brilliant and I love it!
fruitladys last blog post..Love is in the air.
January 18th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Well done! Teaching kids how to handle uncomfortable social situations has got to be the biggest parenting challenge of all.
Also, I applaud the way you deal with your kids’ bad moods. Bravo!
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January 18th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
Oh my, I’m so not ready to deal with that. I had a hard time handling it when I was that age. I don’t know how I’m going to coach my girls through it.
I think I’m going to start taking notes from your mother-daughter talks.
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January 19th, 2009 at 7:45 am
I, too, am filing “if you say so” away for future use. I may even pull it out today.
“Wise mommy, you are,” says Yoda.
March 20th, 2009 at 6:24 am
Great ideas! I only commented because I want to say that I am proud of the way that you are empowering your daughter instead of taking over and trying to solve her problems for her. Great job! She will be a much more put together and competent woman because of this.
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