The PNF
(Disclaimer: Purely fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons or events is wholly coincidental.)
I think I have figured out why it is damn near impossible to make new friends as a parent.
We almost always have our kids in tow when we meet prospective new friends – at the park, at the pool, at preschool. And those prospective new friends – let’s call them PNFs – almost always have their kids with them too. Having kids is the commonality that draws PNFs together, but it’s also the wedge that usually drives them apart.
Say you start talking with another mom as you’re signing your kids in at preschool. She’s carrying the greatest bag, so you ask her where she got it. Turns out she owns that chic little boutique you’ve been meaning to check out. You’re just about to ask if she’ll be in on Saturday – perhaps you’ll swing by and the two of you can duck into the coffee shop next door and chat – when you see her kid’s name on the sign-in page, and your heart sinks. Her kid’s the one that your kid complains about every day after preschool. No matter how cool this PNF may be, you don’t want to subject your kid to playdates with a kid they don’t like. PNF-ship aborted.
Or maybe you and another mom watch your children race around happily together at soccer practice, week after week. You summon up the courage to suggest a playdate, and to your surprise and glee, she replies, “Sure! How about Thursday afternoon?” So while you wait impatiently for the hour of the playdate to arrive, you make sandwiches and brew tea and think about everything that you and she will talk about as your kids play together. And then she finally pulls into the driveway, but doesn’t even get out of the car as her kid hops out of the backseat and she rolls down the window and shouts to you, “I’ll be back in two hours, okay?” and you realize you’re not a PNF; you’re a babysitter. PNF-ship aborted.
But maybe you finally manage to lure another mom – one who has all the makings of a PNF – and her kid, whom your kid deems not only acceptable, but desirable – over to your house for a playdate. Maybe you even eat the sandwiches and drink the tea and chat a little bit. But all the while you’ve got one ear cocked because you can hear your kid and her kid upstairs, and you’d swear that you could hear thumping footsteps directly overhead, which would mean that they’re in the master bathroom. And you try to ignore that little voice in your head for as long as you possibly can, but eventually you just can’t stand it anymore and you say, “Excuse me for a moment, please.”
You go upstairs and find a disaster area. Perfume hangs in the air, lipstick smears coat the mirrors, and the tub is full of bubbles…and towels. Your kid looks guiltily up at you, but your PNF’s kid just grins. And so does your PNF when she ventures upstairs to see what’s taking you so long. “Ah, kids,” she chortles. Then she glances at her watch and sighs, “Oh dear, we’ve got to be on our way. I hope we can do this again soon!”
Once again, PNF-ship aborted.
Because as difficult as it can be to find a PNF with whom you’ve got enough in common that you want to dedicate hours and hours of time and energy into transforming a glance-and-wave acquaintanceship into a full-blown call-me-anytime-and-I-do-mean-anytime friendship, the chances of finding someone like that whose kids you genuinely enjoy – and who genuinely enjoys your kids too – are downright astronomical.
Still, just like irresistible lure of playing the lottery, we all keep rolling the dice on PNFs. Because every once in a while, you hit the jackpot.
(Much love to PNFs-turned-call-me-anytime-and-I-do-mean-anytime friends, Mayberry Mom and Greeblemonkey!)
January 8th, 2009 at 5:21 am
I hit the proverbial jackpot about a year ago and I was so nervous! She seemed too good to be true, you know? But a year later we are all still good friends. Too bad she’s moving to Minnesota next year!
Amy Jos last blog post..What Was That Thing Called Again? Oh Yeah, Content!
January 8th, 2009 at 7:45 am
I love this post! You know, I think I have it good. I worried when N’s closest and longest friend, Myles, moved to New Orleans last year. Myles’ mom was my rock. We shared a nanny, we shared car pooling duties, we hung out together when our hubbies were working late, we watched each other’s kids so that we could have dates with our hubbies. I thought the world would end without her there. It’s been hard to find someone (or in this case, it is several people) to fill her shoes and I still am not quite there, but I am close. We have started having moms-only nights every few months. The dads will have dads-only nights, too.
Myles and his family returned for a very quick visit right before Thanksgiving and it was like they had never left. Susan and I hung out with the kids and were able to talk and laugh and cry. It was wonderful.
Then I have Anne, too, who I met through the PIMs and has become one of my best friends ever.
Thanks, Julie – you helped me realize how very lucky I have been!
January 8th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Corollary: The kids hit it off, you become fast friends with the mom, then as the kids get older they grow apart and even might begin to despise each other. Mommy friendship over? At least threatened.
FEEfifotos last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Come On Amazon — Srsly?
January 8th, 2009 at 8:18 am
Right now I have no other mom friends, except some coworkers, but none with kids the right age. My neighborhood is a bust, and I keep trying with the daycare moms, but they seem a little cold to me. It sucks.
Maybe Amy Jo can send her friend my way, I’m in Minneapolis.
Amelia Sprouts last blog post..WW – The very patient dog
January 8th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Unfortunately, I know what FeeFiFoto means. I turned a PNF into an actual best friend. For about a year and a half, she and I did everything together, along with our boys who were the same ages.
But, the elephant in the room was always that her husband is a minister. At the time I was wavering on religion, so I started taking the boys to her church. They went to Sunday School, I sat in the service. It was very small, informal, they had a rock band. But I was pretending. I didn’t feel what I was supposed to feel when I was sitting there.
I told her that, she said she understood and it didn’t mean we couldn’t be friends. But then our boys started having different interests, then Kaitlyn was born, and we just drifted right apart. I haven’t talked to her in years.
I need a new friend.
January 8th, 2009 at 10:35 am
It’s tough to find someone that meets all the criteria. But it’s worth the struggle once you finally find them. A true friend is valuable beyond all means!
traceys last blog post..Bitch-fight at the Happiest Place on Earth…
January 8th, 2009 at 10:42 am
IIRC, it was the matching Medela PIS bags that first prompted us to talk … and I am so, so, so glad!
mayberrys last blog post..Have a happy, shiny new year
January 8th, 2009 at 11:06 am
My son got all excited about a new friend! at preschool! So naturally his mother turned out to be the only twitchy meth head at the school. Sorry kid!
Amandas last blog post..About a mole
January 8th, 2009 at 11:52 am
I was lucky with two. Unlucky with MANY. It was worth it though.
Miss Graces last blog post..Interviewed by the best
January 8th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
I have good friends for a while, then as the kids get older we don’t get together as often (if at all) because we’re all too busy. It stinks.
Heathers last blog post..Pretty in Pink
January 8th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
All so true…
ewe_are_heres last blog post..Dear People Who Don’t Have Young Children,
January 8th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
My daughter is about to enter preschool so I’m guessing this is what’s next… I was lucky enough to hit the jackpot these last 2 years with a few really great mommies that I scoped out in the park. I think the park is easier… you get to see them in action and view how they interact with their child. It says a lot about them. The waving in the parking lot at preschool is more risky.
Michelles last blog post..One and All Done
January 8th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
I can’t go into the specifics of why this resonates with me, but suffice it to say you must have been reading my mind recently.
Excellent post.
Hannahs last blog post..my year in review
January 8th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
I don’t know what the fuck a PMP or PCN or whatever it is (I know you told me once but I have no memory for such things) but I certainly don’t have one.
Motherhood Uncensoreds last blog post.."Are you decent?…"
January 8th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
MU, that’s because we’re ARFs. Actual Real Friends.
January 8th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Ah, I’m familiar with that scenario. It’s playing out in my day to day activities.
How long do you give a PNF before deciding if its making the grade?
Lindsees last blog post..Living the Selfish Life
January 9th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Aww…too bad I don’t live closer.
I’m damn near perfect. Seriously.
Don Mills Divas last blog post..Hanging on
January 9th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Yeah. That.
January 9th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
My son is ten years old and this post really brought me back to the good old days. You captured every scenario so perfectly! There are just too many variables — and it’s weird because you are surrounded by parallel lives but it can be a little lonely.
evis last blog post..I Know I Should Like Her….
January 9th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
So far, I’ve only scored once with a PNF. But I’ll happily go through all the failed PNFs before and since so long as I still get her.
Great post.
patoiss last blog post..I Kid You Not, ROFL
January 10th, 2009 at 7:52 am
We just moved. I’m so tired of trolling the preschool coatroom and elementary school parking lot for people who maybe-might-be-potential friends. Ugh.
Goldfishs last blog post..Vote for Pedro
January 10th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
This is such a fun post I’ve heard my daughter tell stories so similar to yours…
Keep trying she did find one although it took a long time..
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
Dorothy Stahlneckers last blog post..Are you making the best of your life?
January 10th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Ah, this is why I keep a safe distance from other moms around the school – and keep the playdates to a minimum. You nailed it.
Then again, I’m lucky to have a most excellent tribe of moms in my ‘hood who I connect with on the saracasm and humor front, and who do not do the whole internet thing, so I manage to seem exotic – and we don’t particularly care if the kids are BFFs, as long as no one draws blood.
Heh.
Jennys last blog post..The Epitome of Fancy
January 11th, 2009 at 8:02 am
I love this post. As the mom of a 3 year old, we don’t have many opportunities to make friends (either of us). We live in a small town that has a lack of anything to do where you might meet a parent. So when I meet a PNF (love that term, by the way), I am probably such a freak about befriending them that I run them off!
Glad to kow I’m not the only one who struggles!
Megs last blog post..On a Lighter Note…
January 11th, 2009 at 9:46 am
i got so incredibly lucky that my husband’s best friend and wife accidentally got pregnant within a week of us. it’s made us such good friends and our boys are like brothers. and now they’re moving away next month and i’m crushed.
MommyNamedAprils last blog post..I am an Adulterer. Sort-of, not really.
January 11th, 2009 at 10:13 am
This is why it pays to be a social recluse, and to not like people. Why set your self up for disappointment?
I feel for you. Internet friends are *so* much better anyway
BarelyKnitTogethers last blog post..Post Holiday Damage Control: Organizing and Cleaning Tips for Real People
January 11th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Julie, You mean you haven’t experienced the PNF who’s husband gropes you, in your kitchen, at midnight on New Years Eve?
Poof…up in smoke the friendship goes, thrown out the door with the handsy husband (my husband doesn’t take shit).
I’m still trying to figure out how we’re going to top that next year.
January 11th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Megan, that’s just because you’re a total hottie.
Yep, a total friendship killer. Possibly enough to provoke an assault. Ugh.