If your husband treats you this way, you probably didn’t marry a good man.

I enjoy some of your blogs, but had to chime in on this one.

My husband does a lot though, thankfully, since I suck at laundry and he’s home way more than me, and occasionally thinks I’m too strict or lenient, but has learned to appreciate me. But what bugs me is the huge credit a dad gets for some basic parenting, since it’s “so much more than his dad” rather than comparing what he does to what is really needed for the family.

Okay, not really. I think PA said it pretty well. As generations pass, sons will see their fathers doing all the things they would have only seen mom doing in the past. And moms (yes, it’s back on you since you’re so good at it already) will show their boys how to be rare exceptions rather than the jerkoffs described in the post.

mothergoosemouse, did you write this when you were particularly frustrated? Would things have been written differently if you wrote it at another time? The picture you painted of fathers is much more likely to polarize and create barriers to understanding rather than bridges. After reading this I felt I has just got asked “so, when did you stop beating your wife?”

This “hard wiring” I believe happens in childhood and as more and more fathers take on more and more responsibility, mothers will lose the sense that they must do all, and fathers will lose the sense that such is the way things work.

PAs last blog post..ROR Sitemap for http://www.purelyanecdotal.com/

Ever since our first child (and we are finished at five now), my wife of 16 years has continued to work one or two days a week, during which I stay home with all the kiddies (now five of them, from 6 months to 8 years). I know from whence I speak.
And I’m grateful for all she does, as she is grateful for the work I do. There’s no need for us to be thanking each other all the time. We’re each doing our job. (That said, spouses certainly can be sensitive to when the other needs a little, or more than a little, extra support.)

If one spouse feels the other isn’t appreciating them enough, it’s a clear indicator that they are not in agreement about the division of labor. That is _not_ the same as saying the person laboring more is responsible and the one laboring less is thankless.

The division of labor has to be based on an understanding of both how valuable a desired goal is, and how much effort it takes to achieve it. If any spouse, husband or wife, is not doing their fare share, that’s a real problem. But you can only determine what constitutes each partner’s fair share through mutual agreement. Wives have no more right to unilaterally dictate the chore list than husbands do.

1. Buying gifts for kids bday parties
2. Writing thank you notes
3. Coordinating the family’s social calendar
4. Keeping track of schoolwork, permission slips, after-school activities
5. Supporting, managing, hiring and overseeing childcare providers
6. (“Fruitless”) organization efforts for the kids’ artwork, school papers, bookshelves, seasonal clothing
7. Meal planning
8. Finding camps and planning summer schedules
9. Remembering to return library books
9. Repairing kids clothing
10. Managing holiday shopping lists
11. Family haircuts
12. Changing the toilet paper roll. Ahem.

mom101s last blog post.."When I’m a parent, I’ll never be one of those people who…oh wait. Scratch that."

“This is not an indictment against all fathers.” Please. And that waddling, quacking bird with a bill and webbed feet over there isn’t a duck. How would a indictment of all fathers be different? Does me saying my argument above isn’t an indictment of all mothers, that maybe some rare ones “get it”, make it more palatable?

In the end, there are either _shared_ priorities (of which the workload should be _equally_ distributed between partners), or there are hobbies (which are the sole responsibility of the interested party to beg, borrow, or steal time and resources for). I respectfully submit that wives tend to have many more hobbies that they fool themselves into believing are, or should be, shared priorities. Somehow, they become convinced that their aesthetic preferences and fruitless organizational efforts somehow constitute a significant contribution to the household; so much so that they feel justified in expressing dissatisfaction toward the husband for not recognizing her contribution. In reality, however, these activities are better understood as “domestic hobbies” (unless, of course, the husband is in agreement regarding their importance), perhaps contributing to a happy household, but in no fundamentally different way than, say, the husband kicking back and enjoying the Monday night game.

Wives do not get to unilaterally determine what is and is not a shared priority any more than husbands do. Think about how much gratitude and respect wives typically extend to husbands for engaging in their personal hobbies. Should wives expect any more in return from their husbands? No, I do not agree with your assertion that either spouse owes the other’s priorities any sort of respect just because they’re their priorities.

Your post was about the injustice of husbands defaulting on their shared responsibility, not even giving wives appropriate credit for all they do. I say wives crave credit for a whole bunch of crap husbands don’t care about, which, if true, removes the justification for your complaint. This is simple enough to test. Stop doing the tasks in question and see who’s more upset. Or better yet, wives could ask their husbands what they wanted. But I doubt they will. The answer they’re likely to get wouldn’t allow them to continue to pretend that their domestic hobbies qualified as “valued household contributions”.

I’m speaking in horrifically broad generalizations of course. Your mileage may vary. Thank you for bringing up such an interesting topic! This comment discussion has really clarified my thinking on this matter.