The irreplaceable, inimitable mother
There are a lot of great dads out there – some are better than others – but even the greatest father will never be a mother.
There’s something innate to motherhood that makes it impossible for men to wholly embrace. And it’s that same something that makes it impossible for men to adequately appreciate what mothers do.
We never get a break because we can never give ourselves a break. It doesn’t matter if we’re upstairs in the tub or half a world away – our kids are always at the back of our mind. It doesn’t matter if we’re at work, at the grocery store, or at the gynecologist with our feet in the stirrups – we’re always thinking about how we could be or should be taking care of our kids.
We wipe up crumbs. We replace toilet paper rolls. We wash dishes, load and unload the dishwasher. We notice when underwear or jammies are running low, and we do a load of laundry. We fold the laundry and put it away only to discover a day later that it’s now unfolded thanks to careless rifling.
We know where every last item in the house is, and everyone relies on us to find what they’ve misplaced.
We make sure our kids are relatively clean, dressed more or less for the weather, and have freshly changed diapers. We do all of this with unwashed hair and while holding in our pee long enough to give ourselves bladder infections.
We keep track of how often our kids poop.
We refill sippy cups and put pasta to boil and answer the phone – all while holding a baby at our breast. We vacuum with a toddler on our hip. We enlist the help of preschoolers in raking and bagging leaves.
When we’re downstairs, we think about what we need to bring with us on our next trip upstairs. When we’re upstairs, we think about what we need to bring with us on our next trip downstairs.
It never stops. We never stop thinking about what’s next on the agenda – and we do it all for the well-being of our kids.
Fathers do some of these things. A scant few fathers may do most of these things. But by their very nature, fathers simply don’t do all of these things.
Prove me wrong; I’d love to find a father who thinks that he does everything that a mother does.
And yet, most fathers aren’t satisfied with the job their counterparts do. There’s still a load of laundry to be done, or errant crumbs on the floor, or a missing ingredient for that potluck dish they’re supposed to bring to work tomorrow.
In their eyes, we’re either too strict or too lenient with the kids. In any case, they get to come in and be the hero or the enforcer, overruling our decisions and then leaving us to handle the fallout.
They use all the toilet paper and leave us with an empty roll. They leave their dirty dishes in the sink – if they manage to even get them that far. They sit on the sofa and watch TV while chaos reigns around them, completely oblivious.
They criticize us – our looks, our weight, our contributions to the household, our rising levels of frustration. They can’t understand why we’re so unhappy.
And it’s not that we’re unhappy; we’re doing what our bodies and minds make us do. It’s automatic. But I think we wish that we could detach ourselves – at least occasionally – the way fathers can. Barring that, we wish that fathers could understand us better, could feel the way we do.
This isn’t a complete picture of all mothers or an indictment of all fathers. But I’m betting all parents see ourselves or our partners here, in one form or another.
November 9th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
You hit the nail on the head.
November 9th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
i’m already annoyed with the male population of my household–please don’t go making it worse.
November 9th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
I’ve long said that I’d love to be daddy.
November 9th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
My husband is a stay at home dad and is fully in charge of laundry, cooking, cleaning, sewing (including a homemade duck costume for Soph for Halloween), school transportation and medications. He’s also in charge of the yard, vehicles, science experiments, music classes and grocery shopping. Me – I get to nurture sick kids, arrange playdates, remember grandmother birthdays, maintain relationships with both of our friends and family, buy and later weed out old clothes and books, and worry that he didn’t make my girls brush their teeth or wash their faces before school on mornings that I go into work extra early.
I’ve had to travel out of town for work for extended periods and I know my kids are in good hands while I’m gone – but you’re right about the fact that they’re nearly always in the back of my mind and there is no doubt that I’ll always be “mom” no matter how many of those traditional mom roles are taken over by my husband.
November 9th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
I’ve often wondered… If I DIE, will my husband finally learn how to properly load a dishwasher without wasting half the space? Put his socks in the hamper instead of on the floor two inches from it? Iron his own suits? Manage a trip to the grocery store with more than one kid and still stay under budget?
My guess is no. Even in the event of my death, he’d need an assistant with ovaries.
November 9th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Yes to all of this, and yet there are also things that Daddies do that a Mommy never could.
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November 9th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
I found myself nodding at so many of the points you make. Even though my husband is pretty amazing, he can never be me. He will never understand what is I do, and why I do it.
I so wish he could step inside my shoes for a day, but I know he still wouldn’t “get” it.
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November 9th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
It’s so true. Every woman needs a wife.
You wrote eloquently on the thoughts that swirl in my brain.
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November 10th, 2008 at 4:05 am
I’m lucky, I have a user friendly husband most days but the division of labour is still unbalanced. I have to come to terms with the fact that as a species (or is it just my husband?), they are oblivious to everything that isn’t in their immediate focus zone. Don’t even think think of expecting them to do any multi-tasking! Essentially if I want something I have to ask for it, and specify the schedule (the who, what, when where and why). My problem is that he should just know, damnit!
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November 10th, 2008 at 5:42 am
Sometimes I think men rise to their own levels of incompetence if we let them. But then sometimes I think it’s purely genetic and cultural. Show me one father in charge of writing the thank you notes after Christmas.
Or as I’ve always said, a dad is not a mom with balls.
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November 10th, 2008 at 6:49 am
I’m very very lucky to have a husband who does most of those things. If a load of laundry needs to be done he does it, if the dishwasher needs to be unloaded he unloads it. You’re right though that men don’t think about these things the same way women do. I constantly think about what needs to be done next, where he just does it if it’s right in front of him.
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November 10th, 2008 at 7:15 am
Have you been watching at my house? I still don’t understand how he can complain about my working two jobs, and that he never sees me, and still not do any house work.
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November 10th, 2008 at 7:18 am
Oh yes.
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November 10th, 2008 at 8:23 am
Nerve, hit, dead on!
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November 10th, 2008 at 8:41 am
Tell me about it! When I’m running around preparing for a day out, making lunch, directing children, answering the phone, and putting away a dish or two, I just looooove when my husband looks at me and says “What can I can do to help?”
November 10th, 2008 at 9:11 am
I’m going to stick up for the dads here. I’m the primary breadwinner and my husband’s home with the kids most days. And he does virtually every thing you list. The only things he won’t/can’t/doesn’t do are fold and put away laundry and breastfeed.
But do I feel replaceable? Absolutely not. When there’s a boo-boo that needs kissing, a story that needs reading or a child up in the middle of the night because she hears “noises,” only Mama will do.
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November 10th, 2008 at 10:00 am
MM, your husband is definitely a rare exception.
It’s not so much a matter of what they do around the house as it is a mindset, a thought process, an involuntary drive to make sure that everyone else is taken care of, even if it means we go without.
November 10th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Thank you so much for this post, you have enunciated so well exactly the thoughts I have been circling around for many many months. It’s so nice to know other moms feel this same way. I recognize that my vague disatisfaction with my current lifestyle has nothing to do with my kids, only the constant mothering thoughts running around in my head! But, I would just like a break once in a while (and the unending appreciation of my spouse).
November 10th, 2008 at 11:28 am
Not sure I get your point. If you’re saying that mothers are superior to fathers at _mothering_, well, sure. But are you suggesting they’re superior at _parenting_? If you are, I think you have a too narrow view of what constitutes parenting, one that is, to no surprise, biased in your favor. If you have a case that the mother’s role is more important in parenting overall (and not just infancy through toddlerhood), you should make it.
November 10th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Johnathan, as I said in the comments:
“It’s not so much a matter of what they do around the house as it is a mindset, a thought process, an involuntary drive to make sure that everyone else is taken care of, even if it means we go without.”
It’s not a matter of which sex is a superior parent – or even a superior home-maker.
It’s that mothers are hardwired in such a way that we look at parenting (and home-making, whether we SAH or not) very differently. It’s a sense of responsibility that never, ever lets up – no matter how our partners endeavor to give us a break – and I submit that the pervasiveness of that sense of responsibility IS unique to mothers.
November 10th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Mother’s are awesome, and they deserve a TON more respect then they are given by small minded people. Word up to the mothers.
But just being a mother doesn’t make you do all those things, and it is not automatic. I can offer up some great examples if you need them. It is called being a good parent, and I don’t think it is gender based. Even though they don’t have to put their legs up in stirrups or lactate, dads can be great parents.
As far as proving you wrong, I offer that would be a futile effort. There are awesome amazing mothers as you described above, just as there are awesome amazing fathers you didn’t.
I am a father, and it is frustrating that as far as “seeing ourselves” in the post, mothers get to choose from degrees of sainthood, and fathers get to just look like jerks. Sounds like an unfair stereotype from the WB network.
November 10th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
BugFrog, you’re another rare exception.
My point here is not to castigate fathers as not being able to measure up to mothers. There are plenty of awful mothers out there, but they are people who are mentally ill.
Meanwhile, far too many fathers simply don’t put forth anywhere near the effort that mothers do where it comes to taking care of children and home, and they don’t value what their partners do. I see it in the blogosphere every day.
But even where fathers are completely devoted to their children – and to their partners – they cannot take away that innate pressure that we put on ourselves.
Acknowledging what we do would be a great start, instead of making mothers feel as if we ought to dole out in-kind approbation to fathers. We do it all in spite of the lack of appreciation from our own partners, let alone society.
November 10th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
But then what’s the reason for your complaint, Julie, if you truly have a not-superior-just-different attitude? If you really believe the differences are hardwired, then mothers are just as likely to be misunderstanding fathers as vice versa.
Maybe not everything you do is that important. Maybe your biological drive impels you to waste your time and energy on drudgery. If a mother and father don’t agree on how important a task is, what leads you to believe that it’s the father shirking responsibility rather than the mother behaving obsessively? If you think you’re unappreciated, stop giving unconditionally. If you’re unhappy, maybe it’s because you get some sort of identity by telling yourself you’re a martyr rather than doing exactly what you want to do. Because if you’re not, then stop.
Your entire litany has a counterpoint, one equal in logical force to your own. You have no responsibility to articulate it, but of fairness to the fathers who enjoy your writing, you should acknowledge it. We have every right, _every right_, to feel as misunderstood as you.
November 10th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Then do tell, Johnathan. In what ways do you feel misunderstood?
And you don’t seem to be listening. It’s not a choice; it’s what we do, where it comes to our children anyway.
I’m also not talking about equitable distribution of household tasks, whether you deem them worthy or not. I’m talking about a sense of responsibility. Even when fathers scrub toilets, that doesn’t mean mothers stop thinking about how the toilet needs to be scrubbed.
We *never* stop thinking about what needs to be done. Don’t tell us to stop thinking about it; tell us you appreciate everything that we do.
It’s really simple, actually.
November 10th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
I don’t feel misunderstood by my own spouse, well almost never — we course-correct really quickly when there’s a misunderstanding.
But — and probably the sense of dread I have about doing this is trying to tell me something — maybe it would make things more vivid if, and I swear this is just for the purposes of argument, if I explained myself to you as if you were a spouse with whom I was arguing. And let me apologize in advance, because I really, really do appreciate your viewpoint and writing in general. I’ll probably apologize after too.
“Tell you I appreciate everything you do? I don’t! Remember how my dorm room looked when we first started dating? I was perfectly content with it being a mess. You want credit for the time you spent making the bed? I never asked you to do it. If I don’t think about scrubbing the toilet, it’s because I consider that mental energy put to better use otherwise. You say it _needs_ to be scrubbed? Says who? Try not scrubbing it for a while, and let’s see if the sky falls. I wish you’d just spend your time relaxing a little more, so you could enjoy life more. Maybe you can’t. Sucks to be you. But why should I appreciate you doing stuff that I don’t think is worth the time you spent on it? If it’s not about actually getting things done, then why the hell should I give a crap about your ’sense of responsibility’? If you want to be told your effort is appreciated, then make an effort to understand what I’d appreciate, and do that. Either that, or convince me that I should appreciate what you do. Don’t just assert it.”
(Jeez, I’m not getting any tonight, am I.)
Obviously, that whole passage was presumptuous, and although it was meant to dramatize an opposing viewpoint to yours, I freely admit that there are other ways to get the point across, although I don’t think it was any less sensitive than your “we refill sippy cups…” catalogue of minutiae. This is an opposing argument, not a swipe against the person and parent you are.
November 10th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
I saw a great deal of myself in this. Especially re: thinking about the next thing that needs to be done. I think my husband is a great father and a great husband, but there are things that I either have taken responsibilty for or it’s automatic or whatever you want to call that he would NEVER think about it doing (i.e., buying clothes for the kids, dr. appts for kids, refilling fluoride prescriptions). And to his credit, maybe some of it is that he knows I will do it, thus he doesn’t even need to think about it. But I really don’t think any of it crosses his mind and if I wanted to transfer some of the responsibilities, I’d have to explicitly list them out (just as I’ve become used to the fact that if I want to celebrate Valentine’s Day in a certain way, I need to tell him what I want to do). I do think there are some things in taking care of the family that a woman just does. And if I was having this conversation w/my husband, he’d be just as likely to say there are things in taking care of the house, yard, the car, the RV, etc. that he just does that I probably don’t think about.
I do feel fortunate that we have a fairly equitable distribution of duties or perhaps better said, an acceptable distribution of duties, which all contributes to a better running house and family life. For us, this stuff is more like a running joke: going on vacation, I pack the kids’ clothes, if I didn’t pack something and he asks “oh, did you grab XYZ?” I always respond with “did you?” And we laugh b/c it’s true, he didn’t think to pack it either.
Every once in a while I think we’d (and I mean this equally for men and women) just like to be acknowledged and thanked for doing those little things that keep everything running.
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November 10th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Not buying it. The only awful mothers are mentally ill?
Maybe they all aren’t in the blogosphere, but there are a lot of mothers (and fathers) who don’t think the way you do. Whose kids aren’t their first, middle, and last thought, and aren’t really sure if their kids poop or not. Are they all bad parents and mentally ill? Not at all. Some are great parents, but have found a different balance than what you describe, and it works for them and their family. (Some are f*ups, but that is a different post.)
It’s easy to say the good fathers are exceptions, but that is insulting. Fathers are crap unless proven otherwise, while mothers are saints from birth? Get serious! Neither fathers nor mothers should be praised or condemned as a class. All good parents are under-praised and under-appreciated. Parenting can be a thankless, relentless task that gives me more joy than anything else on this planet. Anyone who doesn’t accept this double edged sword going in is delusional.
In a world where I truly believe all men and women are equal, I dispute any corollary that gives mothers a chromosomal monopoly on parenting skills. To allow it provides an excuse for a man to say, “I’ll never be as good as her, so why try.” If you let them, they will sleep.
All that being said, there sure are days where it would be nice to have someone say “Hey! You are almost as good a parent as that MotherGooseMouse, and she’s phenomenal.” That would be a fantastic wonderful dream, and make me feel all warm and fuzzy, instead of just fuzzy.
November 10th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
I could have written this myself (not as eloquently, of course, but this is exactly the way I think). My husband is a terrific father, but he is so much more easygoing about things than I am. I don’t think he’s ever made a “to do” list in his life and I make several each day just to remember what needs to be done. Just like you said, I am constantly thinking of what needs to be done next because being a mom NEVER STOPS. There is no break, and I’m fine with that, but dads seem to be able to “disengage” in a way that we can’t.
November 10th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Hrm, well, I am gonna let you and Bryan duke it out, Julie – and/or offer you wine on Saturday night! But I will say that while I agree with some of the points you have made, I do *not* think about Declan when I am in the OB stirrups. I promise.
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November 10th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Johnathan, no need for dread. You made me laugh. Although if it were coming from my spouse, I probably wouldn’t laugh.
BugFrog, it’s not meant as praise or criticism, per se – just a difference between the sexes, and perhaps an explanation of why so many mothers get so frustrated. I’m all for equal opportunity, but equality is a fallacy. We’re different, and not just in terms of anatomy.
It’s also not about parenting skill. It’s about a mindset – one that most mothers share (not all, even among the sane ones, agreed), and that (I believe) fathers just don’t.
That said, I greatly appreciate your point regarding a monopoly on parenting being an excuse for fathers to not even try. I think that’s a large part of why a lot of fathers relinquish so many of the parenting tasks.
And pshaw – I don’t think I’m a particularly good parent. I act out of instinct, something primal and subconscious, which is also a reason why I described it as being an innate quality.
But I sincerely thank you for the compliment – it means a lot coming from you!
November 10th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Hmmm
BugFrog, men and women are not equal. Never have been, never will be. Treating different people fairly is not the same as treating them equally. If you have mulitple children no doubt you understand this.
I think the point Julie is making is not about who is a better or worse parent, but how mothers can’t seem to leave the parenting behind, even when they’re in meetings. Even when they’re on a plane. There’s always that fear that you’ll run out of milk, or a thank you note from the birthday party got forgotten, or the kid will insist on wearing Crocs to school while you’re gone, even when the preschool SPECIFICALLY banned them.
Is it minutia? Some of it. But it’s also the business of parenting. And for whatever (lucky) reason, dads just don’t seem to sweat this stuff the same way. Probably to their benefit.
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November 10th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Julie- I wish the Court System felt the same way you do. I’m currently fighting for my innate right to have primary responsibility over the child I gave birth to, and have provided for her entire life.
As a single mom, I feel what you are saying 100x over. At the same time, I know a lot of single fathers who were forced to take on the motherhood role due to those “mentally ill” mothers whose instinctual hardware got screwed up somewhere in the mix. Those single fathers whose kids are in the back of their mind 24/7 because they don’t have a mom to do it for them.
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November 10th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Just to lighten the mood: Last Saturday, my oldest (just turned 8 that day) got suited up for soccer, and I drove him over for pre-game practice. Mommy joined us a few minutes after the game started, at which time she immediately observed that he was wearing clearly mismatched socks. I never noticed
. All the photographic evidence is here, just keep clicking “next”: http://www.plainsong.com/Rebecca/Fall_2008.html#88
November 10th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
My father is unusual among fathers. Not that he ran errands or did laundry (I’m not sure he even knows where we keep the washer and dryer), but he’s changed more questionable diapers, for children and grandchildren, than many others of his kind and age. True, he’s not a mother — he’s not an arranger or a scheduler or a planner — but he’s always been there for us and he’s still always there for our kids. We like to think he’s a better father as a grandfather than some men are as fathers. We know we’re extremely lucky.
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November 11th, 2008 at 6:01 am
[...] November 11, 2008 in There’s no exam to be a parent If you don’t read Mother Goose Mouse, you at least must read this. [...]
November 11th, 2008 at 6:41 am
My husband does a lot to help around the house. He actually is the cook in the family. However, I agree that he doesn’t think the way I do. I cannot rest knowing all the things that need to be done and I constantly think about my kids. I think you have just written what is making me so stressed out.
November 11th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
I’ll put my husband up as a man who actually has the same mindset that you describe, although in different ways. He does constantly worry about both our daughter and me. He constantly thinks about a lot of what needs to be done. He stops by the grocery on the way home from work, while I forget to do the same. He is home before me so he makes sure there is a dinner to eat, when I will often be late from work and miss the beginning of dinner. He worries about the bills and making sure I’m healthy, when these are things that I don’t always stay on top of.
That said, he does not notice when dishes are piled up in the sink or we are out of clean towels. I am in charge of keeping up with doctor’s appointments and our general health. I’m also in charge of our family calendar and planning activities. These are things he doesn’t think of, but if he had to, I know he would.
I’m way harder on myself than he is on me. But I do think that he gives himself permission to takes breaks more than I do, and really enjoy those breaks. I don’t think he stops thinking or worrying about us. Knowing many other parents, I do have to say that I think he is in the minority. Luckily, I know a lot of other men (at least in the blogosphere) who are in that same minority!
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November 11th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
My husband is better than most, he will clean and do laundry and dishes. But also because he knows better than to criticize me on these things. But really, he’s never in our almost ten years of marriage ever changed the toilet paper roll, nor has he ever managed to put his towel on the rack after he used it. He doesn’t remember what the girls are allergic too, nor could he tell you their favorite food. But he does remember their birthdays, which my own dad can’t.
I think men think differently than women. I don’t think they think about the next four things like we do. It would never occur to them to bring down the kids sweaters, when asked to bring down the shoes in the morning. To us, that’s common sense, to them it just doesn’t come into their brain. I also think that women, have for so long, just done this, that it will take awhile for it to come more naturally to men.
I’m all for nurturing my son to be whatever he wants to be. Letting him be emotional if he wants…but I already see small differences in him, compared to my girls and he’s not yet 8 weeks old.
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November 11th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Great post! It’s all true. Though I will say that my bro-in-law did it all. His wife went back to work 3 wks after the baby. He stayed home. Did all day & night feedings. Fixed all meals, packed lunch. Did all laundry & ironed. Kept a freaky clean house. Did all shopping. Including all xmas & bday shopping .Took the baby everywhere. Drove cross country alone w/ the baby @ 6months. to visit family. Did all the dreaded Dr. appts. Watching him do this made me want to be a stay @ home mom.
November 11th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Even though I just left you a novel, I feel compelled to add one more thing. Jonathan’s whole argument was lost when he said this: “Maybe your biological drive impels you to waste your time and energy on drudgery.” This is the key issue with a lot of parents. Men tend to find what we do and think about, as unimportant. Drudgery he said. Even on my worst day, when I want to run away to Mexico and leave no forwarding address, I’ve never thought of the small details of my kids lives as unimportant drudgery.
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November 12th, 2008 at 1:33 am
They don’t undergo that transformation that we do. Fatherhood is just something they acquire, unlike motherhood which is a all-encompassing way of life.
My husband does a lot (especially considering he’s Italian) but he complains about how comprehensive my approach to motherhood is (and that was a HUGE surprise to both of us) and definitely did not have to make (nor was expected to make) any of the professional sacrifices that I did.
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November 12th, 2008 at 8:48 am
Bullshit. My son lives with his father by my choice and I know he’s very well taken care of. Man bashing will never make women feel better….its a sign of immaturity. We share custody equally. I did not give up my rights as my sons mother nor were they taken away from me. I chose for my then 9 yr old son to live with daddy because my son needed that.
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November 12th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Kristy, you sound awfully defensive.
You’re also misunderstanding me. The point is not which sex makes a better parent, but that there are innate differences in the thought processes of men and women, particularly where it comes to child care and home-making. Not sure I can be any clearer than that.
What’s interesting to me is that there’s been so much “Yes! That’s it exactly!” feedback here from women who love and appreciate their partners. That demonstrates that: one, they aren’t viewing it as an indictment of men; and two, this is a common feeling among women – perhaps it’s worth investigating instead of castigating as “bullshit” or “man bashing”.
November 12th, 2008 at 11:04 am
While I do agree with the way moms are described, I’ve got to say that I’m glad dads are not designed like us. That’s the beauty of having two parents. Our children are able to see life from different perspectives. My husband has a far more relaxed approach to parenting and thank goodness he does. I wouldn’t want our son to have us both “worried” all the time about something.
I went on my first business trip when our son was eight months old. I worried so much that my husband wouldn’t know all of the details of what needed to happen. I almost made a list, but knew it would not at all be appreciated. By the second day, I had the most wonderful realization – I had not given him enough credit. He did a wonderful job and they both benefitted from not having me hovering over making sure everything was done my way.
Of course I can relate to the mother described in the blog, but there is an equal and sometimes opposite father description that I’m sure I could never understand either. I do know I’ll never hear it from my husband – that would require too many words!
November 12th, 2008 at 11:34 am
I might be out of my element since I’m not a parent yet, but after reading your blog, I tried to figure out what to take away from it which, I think, is this. That mothers are completely consumed in the care of their children, or are always thinking about it, like a computer program continuously running in the background. It’s a switch that doesn’t turn off, and it makes you take care, or try to take care, of everything. From appointments, to runny noses, dirty clothes, doctor’s appointments, whatever. And for fathers, that switch is not on all the time. I won’t argue if that’s the case or not, because it’s not possible to prove it one way or the other. I’m actually willing to accept that what you say may be right.
You’re definitely right that mothers are irreplaceable. There is no way anyone who hasn’t gone through a pregnancy can know how much that changes you. I’m not even going to try to pretend I can ever know. If you say there is something innate to motherhood that isn’t the same as becoming a father, I can’t disagree.
Where I get a bit worked up is the stereotypical scenarios that the article brings to mind, like the inept or uncaring dad, who watches sports, while mom is in the kitchen taking care of two crying babies, making dinner and writing up the grocery list. And tells her she needs to fix her hair, lose some weight, stop spending so much on herself and just chill. Your description comes across of moms as martyrs and dads as unappreciative good for nothings. I hope there are more degrees in between than “some father do these things” and “scant few fathers may do most.” If you present this type of picture, it’s easy to feel your article is about how moms are better parents, and it’s easy to get defensive. The qualification at the end that that isn’t a complete picture seems a bit weak.
You did say that the article isn’t about which sex is a better parent or home-maker, and you don’t mean to castigate fathers, but all the things you say moms do and dads don’t (keep the house clean, wash the laundry and dishes, make sure the kids are clean, multi-task) do make women better parents. If dads don’t have the same sense of responsibility, then they are worse parents. That’s the way it comes across, maybe I’m wrong.
Having said all this, I agree with you in spirit. No matter how much I say and show my wife I appreciate her, I don’t think it can ever be enough. Not because of the innate motherhood trait. Just because I love her.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
I feel like I’m bringing a knife to a gunfight. But at least it’s a Wusthoff, the same one I use to prepare meals at home.
I know that you’ve said a couple of times that the point you want to make is just that men and women are different in their mindsets when it comes to kids. This may even be statistically true, and even more strongly it may be GENERALLY true. But you managed to confuse that point with two others that are just mucking up the works and don’t support or depend on that one:
1) You can’t show me a father who has this mindset.
2) Fathers can’t suspend this mindset in their partners.
The first I think is just false. But whether it’s false or not has nothing to do with the GENERAL point you want to make about mindsets. If it were true it would be of even more help to you, but it’s falsness is no strike against you, so I suggest just abandoning it. You’ve marked some exceptions already in the comment thread. But I think it’s (1) that is provoking some of the pushback from dads and defenders.
(2) Might be true. Hell, it probably is true: Fathers can’t help mother’s suspend their ever-present worrrying and planning. But at the most this is a truth about, again, that general group: “Mothers who can’t stop thinking about this stuff.” Of course it’s going to be true of them, and kind of trivially so: if they never stop thinking about it, then what does it matter that Fathers can’t get them to stop thinking about it? NOTHING can. The point about fathers here just seems to not do anything. Further, the GENERAL point about mothers is again confused with the UNIVERSAL statement that “mothers” can’t do this. Well, maybe some can. And maybe some can without also being mentally ill.
The main point that you seem permitted by the undisputed facts just seems to be that if you took a random sample of fathers and a random sample of mothers the fathers on balance wouldn’t have the ever-present intentionality that the mothers, on balance, show. And that this says something about mothers and fathers in general.
But it doesn’t say anything about mothers and fathers universally. If that’s the point you want to assert you need to do something more, or you will get pushback: excamples, exceptions, arguments. And they won’t just be from people who feel slighted in some way by the statements.
Backpacking Dads last blog post..Hugs and Cuddles and Things That Make You Feel Sick
November 12th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Your post rings so true to me. It’s very clear that you are not saying there are no fathers who take on the household duties as well as some moms. You are simply stating there are some qualities that seem to exist only in mothers. For me it is the clock watching, planning tomorrow morning’s routine to the very minute, waiting to use the bathroom until I finish a chore because I am already in the middle of it and God knows what I’ll start doing if I walk away NOW! Multi-tasking is not something most of the men I know are very good at (the ones I KNOW, not saying this of EVERY man) My husband is good at many things, and he plays his part in many ways. He does however have an uncanny ability to walk OVER and AROUND messes, focus on boks and TV while the kids are screaming, and run an hour or two late on my boys’ meals when he watches them all on his own. We are just wired differently, and there is nothing wrong with that.
November 12th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Hey Shawn, that’s the kind of knife Kyle uses too. I’d say you’re well-equipped.
And it’s not a fight. Ack.
Shawn, you make an excellent point about the gray areas. There’s definitely a continuum among fathers, as well as among mothers. Some mothers are far less involved in child care and home-making than some fathers – those are the fathers I reference here as exceptions, including Kyle.
I think the single fathers that Hanna referenced are probably the ones who are most likely to share this motherly mindset.
And Cheryl makes a good point that fathers fulfill different, but still very important, aspects of parenting.
While I made a laundry (heh) list of what mothers do and described the mindset that I believe is unique to mothers, of course it’s a generalization, not a universally accurate conclusion.
It’s just interesting to me where men have drawn criticism from this post. The comments have been along the lines of “hey, I do that too!” But that’s missing the actual criticism I made here, which is that many fathers do not recognize everything that their wives do and still criticize *them*.
Johnathan’s comment, in fact, illustrates my point perfectly:
“Maybe not everything you do is that important. Maybe your biological drive impels you to waste your time and energy on drudgery.”
Instead of denigrating our efforts, recognize them. Instead of demanding more from us, do more for yourselves.
November 12th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
My “drudgery” point has been misunderstood, I fear. All I was trying to say is that mothers have no right to claim that they have a better understanding of what’s important for the success of their household than fathers do.
Maybe this will clear it up. You say “many fathers do not recognize everything that their wives do and still criticize *them*”. True enough. But many wives don’t recognize all their husband’s contributions and criticize them as well. And nothing you’ve said supports the thesis that mothers commit this offense any less frequently against their husbands. So what you’re describing is a _parent_ mis-valuing the parenting efforts of their _spouse_, while stating it as an issue of clueless husbands and their martyr wives.
If it’s not an asymmetrical problem, then by presenting only one side of it you obscure more than you illuminate, like a history written by a Hatfield only detailing the villainy of the McCoys. You may have a motivation for only telling one side, but I won’t help you pretend the other side doesn’t both exist and have equal validity.
November 12th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
loved loved LOVED this post. so, i gave it an award. not a meme or anything like that. just a pat on the back for great writing
i hope some of my readers will hop over here and take a gander at your genius.
(http://aprilslittlefamily.blogspot.com/2008/11/mommy-rant-award.html)
-april
MommyNamedAprils last blog post..Mommy Rant Award
November 12th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
I just wanted to use my “bring a knife to a gunfight line” :} I know it’s not a fight.
In fact, I am utterly DERELICT in failing to acknowledge the real value of the post, which is to offer an opportunity for anyone who recognizes the failure-of-acknowledgment in themselves to rectify it. To get beyond the extent of the claims, which may or may not be as general as some think, and note that in one’s particular case they DO ring true. For giving those people (men, admittedly, in this case) the opportunity and the direction to LAUD their partner instead of criticzing her, and providing a case for why lauding is the appropriate behavior.
I do like to hear myself talk, don’t I?
Backpacking Dads last blog post..Speechless Wednesday
November 12th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Johnathan, maybe…maybe not. I’ll admit freely that I have no clue when the grass needs to be cut. But I do notice when it’s been cut, and I tell Kyle that the yard looks great. Because it does, and I’m truly appreciative. Same applies to his cooking.
I have to take issue with the “martyr” and “clueless” descriptors. Yes, many mothers sacrifice their own wants (and sometimes their own needs) to ensure they are caring for their children in the manner they deem necessary. But martyrdom implies great or constant suffering. I doubt many mothers would characterize caring for their children or their home as causing *suffering*.
“Clueless” – that’s unnecessarily harsh and implies a lack of intelligence. That’s not the problem. Nor is it any other conscious choice, I believe. It’s just a different thought process, a different mindset. Different priorities.
But that’s something that I believe partners need to acknowledge and respect. Maybe your partner’s priorities aren’t a matter of life and death, and maybe they aren’t *your* priorities. But if you value her, you should at least acknowledge and respect her priorities.
(And I’m using “you” in the collective sense – not directed at *you* personally, J.)
Shawn, I appreciate the good point, and it absolutely goes both ways – we mothers ought to notice what our counterparts do and give credit where it’s due. Especially when our partners do something unexpected and wonderful.
November 12th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
Is it more appropriate for the wife to expect the husband to acknowledge and respect her priorities than the other way around? If I don’t replace the toilet paper roll, it’s because I place a higher priority on an alternate use of my time. Why isn’t it equally valid for me to ask you to acknowledge and respect my priorities?
In the end, there are either _shared_ priorities (of which the workload should be _equally_ distributed between partners), or there are hobbies (which are the sole responsibility of the interested party to beg, borrow, or steal time and resources for). I respectfully submit that wives tend to have many more hobbies that they fool themselves into believing are, or should be, shared priorities. Somehow, they become convinced that their aesthetic preferences and fruitless organizational efforts somehow constitute a significant contribution to the household; so much so that they feel justified in expressing dissatisfaction toward the husband for not recognizing her contribution. In reality, however, these activities are better understood as “domestic hobbies” (unless, of course, the husband is in agreement regarding their importance), perhaps contributing to a happy household, but in no fundamentally different way than, say, the husband kicking back and enjoying the Monday night game.
Wives do not get to unilaterally determine what is and is not a shared priority any more than husbands do. Think about how much gratitude and respect wives typically extend to husbands for engaging in their personal hobbies. Should wives expect any more in return from their husbands? No, I do not agree with your assertion that either spouse owes the other’s priorities any sort of respect just because they’re their priorities.
Your post was about the injustice of husbands defaulting on their shared responsibility, not even giving wives appropriate credit for all they do. I say wives crave credit for a whole bunch of crap husbands don’t care about, which, if true, removes the justification for your complaint. This is simple enough to test. Stop doing the tasks in question and see who’s more upset. Or better yet, wives could ask their husbands what they wanted. But I doubt they will. The answer they’re likely to get wouldn’t allow them to continue to pretend that their domestic hobbies qualified as “valued household contributions”.
I’m speaking in horrifically broad generalizations of course. Your mileage may vary. Thank you for bringing up such an interesting topic! This comment discussion has really clarified my thinking on this matter.
November 13th, 2008 at 5:31 am
In case it wasn’t clear, the point of the above comment is that I don’t think my cruel and unfair generalization-filled argument is any different than your cruel and unfair generalization-filled argument, with the exception that you’ve got the home crowd cheering you on. If my argument pisses you off, imagine how you’d feel if you read it as a post on a blog frequented by fathers, who then chimed in with “Yeah, women just don’t get it.” and “Eloquently put. Women will never understand where we’re coming from.”
“This is not an indictment against all fathers.” Please. And that waddling, quacking bird with a bill and webbed feet over there isn’t a duck. How would a indictment of all fathers be different? Does me saying my argument above isn’t an indictment of all mothers, that maybe some rare ones “get it”, make it more palatable?
November 13th, 2008 at 8:22 am
Johnathan, I would like to know which of these you would categorize as “responsibilities” and which as “hobbies” equivalent to watching a Monday night game:
1. Buying gifts for kids bday parties
2. Writing thank you notes
3. Coordinating the family’s social calendar
4. Keeping track of schoolwork, permission slips, after-school activities
5. Supporting, managing, hiring and overseeing childcare providers
6. (”Fruitless”) organization efforts for the kids’ artwork, school papers, bookshelves, seasonal clothing
7. Meal planning
8. Finding camps and planning summer schedules
9. Remembering to return library books
9. Repairing kids clothing
10. Managing holiday shopping lists
11. Family haircuts
12. Changing the toilet paper roll. Ahem.
mom101s last blog post.."When I’m a parent, I’ll never be one of those people who…oh wait. Scratch that."
November 13th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Honest Answer: Of course most every husband would agree that ALL of those (except for maybe 12) are shared priorities, as well as dozens of other household chores and maintaining a revenue stream. What’s not obvious is whether or not that list of activities (stereotypical “woman’s work”) is the equal of the other shared priorities (stereotypical “man’s work”). Such a determination can only be made by the spouses involved. Again (and again…), there’s no a priori reason to presume that husbands undervalue their wives’ contributions to a systematically greater degree than wives undervalue their husbands’.
Ever since our first child (and we are finished at five now), my wife of 16 years has continued to work one or two days a week, during which I stay home with all the kiddies (now five of them, from 6 months to 8 years). I know from whence I speak.
And I’m grateful for all she does, as she is grateful for the work I do. There’s no need for us to be thanking each other all the time. We’re each doing our job. (That said, spouses certainly can be sensitive to when the other needs a little, or more than a little, extra support.)
If one spouse feels the other isn’t appreciating them enough, it’s a clear indicator that they are not in agreement about the division of labor. That is _not_ the same as saying the person laboring more is responsible and the one laboring less is thankless.
The division of labor has to be based on an understanding of both how valuable a desired goal is, and how much effort it takes to achieve it. If any spouse, husband or wife, is not doing their fare share, that’s a real problem. But you can only determine what constitutes each partner’s fair share through mutual agreement. Wives have no more right to unilaterally dictate the chore list than husbands do.
November 13th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Perhaps because I am a young new mother, or perhaps because my husband really is one in a million. But I disagree. If anything, I have to buck up every now and then because I see that he is doing more than his share. He be breastfeeding if he could. Thanks for reminding me what a wonderful man I have.
This “hard wiring” I believe happens in childhood and as more and more fathers take on more and more responsibility, mothers will lose the sense that they must do all, and fathers will lose the sense that such is the way things work.
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November 13th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
I think what people aren’t understanding is that just as moms are hardwired so that they cannot stop thinking how to take care of the kids and the household, dads are created to be unable to appreciate their partner’s point of view. So, come on ladies. Cut us guys some slack. We’re just a victim of, er, mother nature (father nature must have been watching the game). I wish my wife could understand that no matter how much I want to tell her what a wonderful job she’s doing and I wish I could stop telling her to lose weight it’s not my fault. I tried to change the roll once, but the part of my brain that takes care of responsibility is only able to keep track of the remote control and so I moved the tv into the powder room. Toilet paper problem solved…I think. Not thinking man-thought process make brain hurt. But how can a woman ever understand how frustrating it is to have such limited potential and then have someone who is so much more capable reminding us of it all?
Okay, not really. I think PA said it pretty well. As generations pass, sons will see their fathers doing all the things they would have only seen mom doing in the past. And moms (yes, it’s back on you since you’re so good at it already) will show their boys how to be rare exceptions rather than the jerkoffs described in the post.
mothergoosemouse, did you write this when you were particularly frustrated? Would things have been written differently if you wrote it at another time? The picture you painted of fathers is much more likely to polarize and create barriers to understanding rather than bridges. After reading this I felt I has just got asked “so, when did you stop beating your wife?”
December 9th, 2008 at 9:37 am
I wish I had the nerve to send this to Mr. PunditMom.
December 9th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
I was spoiled by having a dad that did a lot of that stuff – horrible cook, but he tried. I do see the difference, in that I will, as you said, think about what needs to be brought upstairs, and can empty and load the dishwasher, make lunches and make sure clothes are laid out all after I’ve announced I’m going to bed. He’ll do the lunches if I ask him, but part of that is it that I always do it, so it’s become my job.
My husband does a lot though, thankfully, since I suck at laundry and he’s home way more than me, and occasionally thinks I’m too strict or lenient, but has learned to appreciate me. But what bugs me is the huge credit a dad gets for some basic parenting, since it’s “so much more than his dad” rather than comparing what he does to what is really needed for the family.
December 21st, 2008 at 6:10 pm
I wholeheartedly disagree and I think it’s dangerous of you to perpetuate this idea…seems like man-bashing. Many men in my life act contrary to your description. The difference, is that many of the men in my life are Christians — something, I can tell by your blogs, you despise.
If your husband treats you this way, you probably didn’t marry a good man.
I enjoy some of your blogs, but had to chime in on this one.
January 26th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
[...] forth every therapy in our home. I didn’t know everything I needed to do when I needed to do it. Of all the things I keep track of and consider in every move I make, I feel like I just didn’t keep track enough or consider enough [...]