From “Mom? ME?!” to “Mommy!”
There was so much about Liz’s recent post that resonated with me, I’ve been thinking about it for the past two days.
I never aspired to be a mother. Children were a source of irritation, not entertainment – and I’m sure they felt the same way about me. I babysat for the money and fridge access. I’ve said all of that before, but there’s more to it.
Before I had children of my own, I reacted to news of tragedies concerning children much differently. I was saddened, disturbed, sorry for the family – but it didn’t prey on my subconscious like it does now.
I can’t read the articles or listen to the news reports. I struggle with the blog posts, which are mercifully few and far between. Before being discharged from the hospital with CJ, I was required to watch a video about shaken baby syndrome. I burst into tears afterward, and the visuals from the video stay with me even now. The “Never Shake a Baby” radio and TV ads cause me to change the channel. Even typing these words makes me well up.
I don’t even have to hear or watch or read a story of tragedy – my own runaway imagination starts in with the “What Ifs?” and pretty soon I’m curled up on the sofa, hugging tightly any child within reach.
Motherhood has made me this way. It has changed me, turned me inside out, brought out emotions and unearthed realizations about myself that I never knew existed.
Unlike the cliche parroted by most mothers, I still remember my life before children. It was pretty fabulous, actually.
But I can’t recreate it, and I really don’t want to. That’s what’s surprising to mothers like Liz and me. We wear our mommy hats well and fly our mommy flags proudly – just as well and just as proudly as women who dreamed about motherhood from the time they were little girls.
And even though we’ve been mothers for several years now, the strength of our maternity still sneaks up on us now and then and shocks us with the ferocity of the love and concern we feel for children – not just our own, but any child. Because when we see a child who’s hurting, we can’t help but envision our own children. It’s a level of empathy that I never fathomed before.
So yes, I’m a mom, and I have been for more than six years. But I still look at my children – one of them’s snuggled up happily next to me on the sofa as I type, another one’s upstairs in his crib, and the third one’s having lunch at the elementary school down the street – and marvel at how I got here.
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I hit another motherhood milestone a few weeks ago – the misuse of scissors.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Me too, Mouse, me too. Sometimes my kids catch me off guard by calling me “Mom” and I have to remind myself that I’m a real mother and not just playing a role.
feefifotos last blog post..Just Out Of Curiosity
September 9th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
I saw a photo that my hubby took of my son and I talking. We were by a lake and I was explaining to him that the thing on the ducks’ faces is a beak…
Kind of mundane, but my son was looking right at me and had the funnest expression on his face. He looked as if he was really concentrating on what I was saying.
Even though I’ve been his Mommy for two and a half years, that’s the moment when it really hit me.
WOW! I’m really a MOM!!! and I love it.
September 9th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Thank you for putting it into words so powerfully and succinctly.
“The strength of our maternity still sneaks up on us now and then and shocks us with the ferocity”
Indeed.
Mom101s last blog post..Yep, I’m a mom. Funny that.
September 9th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
My aunt and I often have this conversation. All my life all I ever wanted to be was a mom. I was smart and capable and told over and over again that I could be anything I wanted to be. I almost felt (and to a degree I still do) that by choosing this path I was letting myself, my family, and the world around me down because I chose to have a family instead of a career.
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September 9th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
I’m like you. I can’t stop crying after I read these stories. The ones on the news are the worst, it takes a long time for the tragedy to escape the walls of my mind.
Danas last blog post..First Day of Preschool…
September 9th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
I don’t know anything worse than fearing for a child, it’s scary stuff. Especially once you’ve embraced your role as protector and nurturer. It touches my heart to know that although it wasn’t something you ever thought you wanted, you found yourself in motherhood.
Anissa@Hope4Peytons last blog post..I can almost hear the Metropolitan Museum of Art calling
September 9th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
I am exactly the same way. I swear I feel it viscerally when I hear of bad things happening to children. It hurts me, inside. These tragedies haunt me for days or weeks. This was not me before. I do not regret in any way becoming a mother, even though for a long time I thought it was something I did not want. Life was certainly easier before, but it is so much better now.
Caras last blog post..Wakenings
September 9th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
“I still remember my life before children. It was pretty fabulous, actually.”
This is why I dig you so much.
Jozet at Halushkis last blog post...
September 9th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
Yes! I remember liking life before kids, and in many ways I’m looking forward to life “after” them (when they’re older and more independent. I love getting time away from them now … but not TOO too much.
mayberrys last blog post..Sleep is for suckers!
September 9th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
I’m curious to know whether you think the hospital could have “framed” the info in a way that would have changed your response.
We advocate for hospital based prevention education and encourage the nurses to present the information not as an obligation (“you should never shake your baby”) but as an opportunity (“this will help you learn about the causes of shaking injuries so you can help protect your baby against injuries”).
It’s easier for the parents and for the educators. It’s easier for hospitals too: everyone benefits.
And it’s very important for parents to be able to educate – not just tell – all the other caregivers around their child (not just child care, but baby sitters, sibling, the neighbor who’s an emergency backup): shaking is dangerous to young children (up to 5 years old) and frustration is normal, so even good caregivers need to recognize when that response is getting out of hand and have a simple coping plan ready.
It can be as simple as putting the child in a safe place, catching your breathe and calling someone to vent for a few minutes. The first step can be hardest, especially for a parent: you have to acknowledge the stress…
And the best thing is that once a parent understands the importance of positively educating other caregivers, and accepts the role of educator, they reinforce their own knowledge and behavior.
It’s certainly scary to learn about something that could hurt your child which you have no control over: it’s much better to learn about the danger and what you can do to protect your child.
Eduation is effective. Hospitals in the Buffalo area of New York have been doing education since 1998: since they started, the rate of inflicted infant head injury has dropped by 50%.
So you may not be able to avoid thinking about the tragedies – there are more than most people realize, but I hope you will also take advantage of your opportunity to share knowledge about preventing those injuries.
A
September 9th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
George, I’m really not criticizing the video (which was mandated by New York state, where I gave birth), and I’m very much in favor of education regarding injury prevention. One of the NCOs who worked for me at the Pentagon had an infant son who was shaken by his caregiver – I’ve seen personally how such injuries affect parents and children.
My point is that it incited an irrational reaction in me at the very thought of anyone inflicting such injuries on a child.
But you make an excellent point regarding education – and it’s one that author Gavin de Becker makes in his book “Protecting the Gift” about keeping kids safe. That was a tough book for me to read, but an important one.
September 9th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
I have those reactions to news stories about kids too. It’s hard to have 4 hearts. One is inside my body, the others my kids carry with them.
I often feel like I’m waiting to be old enough to be a mom, then I realize I AM a mom. Just watching my baby’s adoring gaze makes me see my power. Or when I, unfortunately, forget my power and see my older children crumble.
Being a mom is intoxicating.
Heathers last blog post..Recommendations from a Recent Third-Time Mom
September 9th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
[...] pretty booked up right now. This is where I begin to define myself by the roles I play in my life. Mothergoosemouse talked a bit about this today on her blog, and I felt compelled to delve into the subject. So [...]
September 10th, 2008 at 10:53 am
I am exactly the same way when I hear news stories or even read fictional stories that involve children getting hurt. I started crying on the way home from work the other day when I was listening to news radio and heard a headline about something awful a mother did to her infant (I will not repeat it). I also believe in education, and having suffered PPD, I know how important it is to know what can happen. But I can’t hear or read about it anymore. Tragedy happens. I know it. But I need to be sheltered from some of it or my emotions will go off the deep end.
And I am also constantly amazed that I am a mom. Again and again, it hits me when she looks at me, when she says Mama, when I’m holding her. It’s just amazing.
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September 10th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
I’m the exact SAME way…;}
September 11th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
I’m in the same boat – never wanted kids, never thought I’d have one of my own. I waited a long time because there was a lot of fear there, and by the time I did get pregnant family and friends had all written us off long before.
When I was pregnant I was at work one day reading the news on my cell phone (no Internet access at the office). I came upon a story about a little boy who had died violently, I won’t go into detail. There was a picture of this boy, and it shook me to my core. I cried, so hard I had to go to the bathroom so no one else could hear the sobs.
I had never had such a visceral reaction to a news story like that before, and it wasn’t just hormones. Now, I stay away from the news as much as possible. The closest I get to the news now is the weather and The Daily Show.
I let the hubs be my buffer now. Can’t take the pain.
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