Safe and joyful children
The latest season of Penn & Teller’s Showtime series “Bullshit!” is in progress, and I’ve been watching faithfully as usual - and not just to ogle Penn. The most recent episode was titled “Stranger Danger”, and it featured interview clips with Erin Runnion, mother of Samantha and founder of The Joyful Child Foundation.
While it sickens me physically and kicks my carefully-controlled anxieties into overdrive to read about children being neglected, abused, or killed - let alone even consider the possibility that something might ever happen to one of my children - it’s not a concern that I can brush under the rug and hope it goes away.
On the advice of Washington Post columnist Carolyn Hax, I bought The Gift of Fear several years ago. When I had Tacy, I bought Protecting the Gift, by the same author. I’ve also read The Culture of Fear. All of these books are geared toward sorting out the misinformation regarding the dangers facing us and our children, and identifying what we can and ought to do to protect ourselves.
Tacy and Kyle and I have long rehearsed the basic information she needs to know to protect herself. We’ve given her scenarios and role-played together. She put these lessons into action last year while walking home from school, and we were proud of her - not only for how she reacted at the time, but for her willingness to walk home again the very next day.
Given CJ’s speech delay, we’ve only just now started discussing good touches/bad touches (using the bathing suit example, as Erin Runnion advocates in the Bullshit! episode). My next goal is to help her understand that if ever she can’t find Kyle or me, she should find another mommy and ask for help. It will be a while before she learns her address and phone number or can understand role-playing.
Then earlier today, I read Ruth’s post about her new neighbor - a registered sex offender. And since I hadn’t checked it in about a year, I hopped onto the Family Watchdog site.
(I prefer Family Watchdog because it has a map legend that breaks down offenders according to category - offense against children, rape, assault/battery, and other offenses.)
While there are a smattering of offenders in the “other offenses” category in our zip code, there are only two offenders belonging to the other categories. Considering that when I plugged in our old address in New Jersey, the map was awash with offenders against children (including one who is employed at the Manhattan hospital where I delivered Tacy and CJ), our new hometown is pastoral by comparison.
The “other offenses” likely range from fairly disturbing (voyeurism, exhibitionism) to relatively benign (streaking). The man whom Herman Anne and I watched streaking across the field at Shea Stadium probably has a sex offender record now (and I’m pretty sure he didn’t scar Herman Anne for life).
How would I react if an offender in any category moved into a house on my street? I’d be dismayed. Uncomfortable. Concerned about the safety of my children. Unsure how to behave around that person.
But as the books and articles state, the greatest risk to our children are the people in whom we place our trust. People who shouldn’t pose a risk, but who do.
That’s why our kids should know that it’s okay to say no to adults. To tell them, “Stop tickling me!” or “I don’t want to give you a kiss!” or “Don’t touch me!” That they are under no obligation to “help” an adult. That they don’t have to be concerned about hurting an adult’s feelings. That it’s okay to get away and stay away - and to tell someone about it.
Don’t frighten them. Teach them. Keep them safe, and joyful.
August 14th, 2008 at 6:42 am
I got on to that website and was comforted to see that the closest offense against children was miles away. Which actually shouldn’t be that surprising since I live across the street from an elementary school and I think there are laws about that. Or at least that is what I have garnered from years of watching CSI and Law and Order. My mom told my sister and I about sex at a very early age, I think I was 5 or 6, because she wanted us to understand when someone was doing something inappropriate and to tell her about it. I plan to be very open with my daughter. I’ll have to check out those books because I sometimes feel like we have gone too far in the name of protecting our kids. So maybe this will give me some perspective.
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August 14th, 2008 at 7:54 am
Why are there two registered sex offenders living within 1000 FEET of my kid’s SCHOOL? How is that allowed?!
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August 14th, 2008 at 8:41 am
Can I just add to keep your babysitters/family members informed as to what you’re teaching your kids about safety, etc? Recently when I was watching my nieces, an incident occurred that I handled differently (read: more aggressively/assertively) than my oldest niece’s parents would have. Namely, I grabbed the little teenage twerp who thought it was appropriate to ask a 4 year old to show him her panties and I told him to get the fuck away from her. Then I told her that in the future if someone - ANYONE - ever asked to see her panties that she needed to tell them NO, that her body and her panties are private. The only exceptions to that are your parents, I told her.
Afterwards, her parents thanked me (and we all ranted about the playground pervert), but they did mention that next time it was important to them that their daughter tell him “No!” herself. They didn’t want her to think that an adult would always be there to take care of the problem and they wanted her to identify that situation as being inherently wrong instead of relying on an adult to make that assessment. This makes perfect sense when you think about it, but it just never even occurred to me.
So we all had some roleplaying that involved other adults in the family and the kids’ babysitter. Now we’re all on the same page. Hopefully. It’s very helpful as the non-parent-but-constant-relative-who-takes-the-girls-out-to-do-stuff to know how the parents want their children and me to handle those situations. It probably makes it easier for the kid too, since consistency is a child’s best friend.
But if I see that asshole again and I don’t have 4 year old eyeballs watching me, I’m going to cause him some serious bodily harm.
PS - I’ve been thinking about reading that Gift of Fear book, would you recommend it?
August 14th, 2008 at 11:05 am
We don’t have a registry in Canada that’s like Family Watchdog that I know of. I poked around a friend’s American neighborhood to try the site out, and was AMAZED at the level of detail, including a photograph of the offender, available. Scary stuff.
August 14th, 2008 at 11:26 am
I just checked and there aren’t any in my immediate neighborhood. The problem that I run into is the family part of it. Strangers are one thing, family is another. The explaining to my girls that they need to be aware of the people in our family. I just haven’t figured out how to do that and when exactly. I’m super freaking careful with who is around my girls…but then again my mom was too and it didn’t save my brother from our uncle.
I don’t want them to be fearful, but I want to keep them safe.
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August 14th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I saw that episode and I about bawled my eyes out listening to Erin Runnion… her loss, and what’s she’s done for children in its wake just blew my mind.
As the child of a sometimes irrationally fearful single mother, I’m really, really glad I watched that show.
August 14th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Thanks for writing about this, Julie. I am shocked and appalled by what I’ve learned about my state’s amendments to Megan’s Law. I was under such false assumptions about notification requirements and the lack of restrictions regarding where offenders can live. I am all for informed education of kids, but I am also for public safety and awareness when sex offenders with violent or certain degree crimes are released. My new neighbor was imprisoned for 11 years - and for good reason. Very frustrating.
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August 14th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
It’s such a scary time to be a child. So many instructions and rules to follow, for there own safety; my kids all follow the same.
There are offenders fairly near us, we do have the benefit of living near a school, and there is a law that predatory offenders cannot live within a certain radius of elementary, middle or high schools.
AND I am so with you on Penn’s hotness. He made it onto my Laminated List!
August 14th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
It is hard to get that point across to some adults in my life. That the kids need to be able to say no to them without fear of offending them or fear of getting in trouble for saying no. My husband and his parents take it as disrespect. I think of it as respect for self.
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August 15th, 2008 at 8:25 am
Thanks for the link to the Family Watchdog site. I hadn’t checked that out before. There are some offenders near our house, but not as many as I had feared, given that we live in the city and pretty close to Colfax.
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August 15th, 2008 at 10:33 am
Hello. I recently added your blog to my reader. I enjoy your writing and look forward to reading your blog posts.
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August 15th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Thank you for writing this. For reason I won’t go into, I’m terribly protective of my children and their understanding that their bodies are THEIRS and only theirs. I have learned that children watch you to take your lead and if there is someone who makes you uncomfortable, they will pick up on that. At an event I was polite to someone who I knew was someone I didn’t want my children to ever be alone with, yet I didn’t want to cause a scene so I just made polite and then left. I realized later that I let my kids watch me interact, even in the most spare sense of the word, with someone I would never want them to trust.
I made myself a promise that I would NEVER again put the need to not cause a “fuss” over the needs of my children ever again.
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August 18th, 2008 at 7:19 am
I love those books. They have helped me talk myself off a ledge many times and helped me stay strong in the face of disagreement from other family on how my children were being raised.
He also has a book for teens that both mine read at around 14-15 that you may want to keep in mind for the future. At that point it’s nice to have an outside (ie, non pathetic parent) reinforce what you’ve been telling them for years.
August 20th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Thank you for the book recommendations!
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August 21st, 2008 at 10:39 am
Just today, I wrote a post alluding to my worries about this very issue. My god, how I worry about these things!
Thanks for the link to that website. My hubby uses another, but I’ll show him this one because it does sound better.
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