No BFF 4 Me
CJ recently announced that Tacy is her best friend.
Naturally, Kyle and I think this is cute. Tacy, on the other hand, asked if CJ didn’t have any friends her own age: “Like, from school?”
It IS cute, and it makes me wish all over again that I had a sister myself, but I also can’t help involuntarily cringing when I hear the expression “best friends”.
By claiming one person as your best friend, it’s as if you’re saying to the rest of your friends: “I like you and all, you’re really cool, but just so you know – you’ll never be where SHE is. The position of best friend has been filled. But you might squeak into the first-runner up slot, so keep up the good work.”
I’ve had a few best friends over the years. My first best friend was never really my best friend back – in fact, she’s got a spot on my mean girls list. And my best friend after her was one who claimed me as her best friend, but I didn’t feel the same way and never referred to her as such.
After that, I made many different friends, but each one had their own “best friend” – most often someone who lived where they’d moved from, or someone who’d lived in our town but moved away. It wasn’t that I wanted to replace anyone – I’ve never viewed friends as interchangeable – but it still stung when we’d be laughing together, and then she’d suddenly say, “Well, my best friend and I…”
It wasn’t until we were seniors in high school that my friend Jamie and I began calling ourselves best friends. For a few years, we really were best friends. We had plenty of other friends between us, but we each were the constant in the other’s life. Until we drifted so far apart that even the proclamation of “best friends” couldn’t hold us together any more.
Jamie and I are friends again now (and our daughters are friends, which is incredibly surreal but wonderful too). But I don’t claim anyone as my best friend anymore. At the risk of sounding like a twenty-something guy, it seems like too much of a commitment.
I do wonder if my kids, especially my girls, will feel pressured to find a best friend – besides each other, that is. There’s an episode of Dora the Explorer that’s all about Best Friends Day, and it bothers me more than all of the inane Spongebob episodes put together. It’s wonderful that Dora and Boots love each other so much, and their special friendship obviously doesn’t detract from their friendships with Isa, Tico, and Benny, but I still wonder why she has to single out Boots. I mean, how does that make Isa, Tico, and Benny feel?
Okay, perhaps I’m taking a cartoon a leeeeetle too seriously.
But I don’t want the status of best friend used as leverage to get my kids to do something they know they shouldn’t do. A close cousin of the infamous teenage boy line: “If you loved me, you’d do it…” is the manipulative platonic female version: “You won’t be my best friend anymore if you don’t…” If I had my way, any little twerp who tried to use that line on either of my girls would get the response: “I don’t need friends like you.”
I know better though. I’ve been pressured with the threat of lost friendship, and it’s a strong one. I’m hoping I can teach my girls to be stronger.
But if they find a friend who is wonderfully special to them, and that friend feels the same way and treats them accordingly, I will wholeheartedly support their “best friends” proclamation.
At least until the little twerp starts telling my girl: “If you loved me, you’d do it…”
August 11th, 2008 at 6:23 am
I had a “best friend” who actually used the “a real friend would do this for me” line. I wound up in handcuffs after that one. Nice, right? I’m pretty sure she would qualify as a mean girl, although she wasn’t a pack leader or anything, just a manipulative turd that befriended me when I was the new kid in town. As an adult, I feel kind of weird saying I have a best friend, but as a kid it was such an important appellation, likely due to shows like Dora. I do know that there were a couple of “best friends” from my childhood that are still dear to me although we are nowhere near as close as we used to be, so maybe it isn’t all bad.
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August 11th, 2008 at 7:55 am
Handcuffs!! Youch.
I already had a child use that line on Jo in kindergarten. And I told Jo (as tactfully as possible) that MAYBE she might want to look into some other friends.
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August 11th, 2008 at 8:41 am
I always cringed when that BFF stuff would happen when I was a kid – sure it was great to be “claimed” but I always felt guilty. BTW Tico doesn’t give a rat’s a*s, I know because I asked. But Benny sometimes cries himself to sleep – that’s the truth.
August 11th, 2008 at 8:46 am
I’ve realized I use the phrase, “one of my closest/oldest/best friends” more often in the past few years – I think I’ve avoided using the Best with a capital B label for a long time now. It’s just got so much baggage, especially for girls, doesn’t it?
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August 11th, 2008 at 9:03 am
I really haven’t had a best friend since I was a kid. I have a very close friend that I went to college with and who was my maid of honor, but she has a “best friend” from high school.
I don’t like the exclusionary sound of it anyway. I like all my friends.
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August 11th, 2008 at 9:05 am
I was just thinking, maybe I do have best friends…
I have a friend who is best for talking about college with.
I have a friend who is best for going to the park with our kids with.
I have a friend who is best for talking about scrapbooking with.
August 11th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
I still cringe at the idea of best friends, so hard did I search for one in my early years of school. Turns out, I was too good for all of them. Later, I made great friends – lots of them. Later still, I faced the maid of honor dilemma. The WORST. Thank God I had a sister, even if she was the farthest of all from the best. That’s why CJ’s lucky to have Tacy, if you ask me: for future Maid of Honor issues.
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August 11th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
I can really relate to this. I haven’t had a “best friend” since grade school. Once I got to junior high and high school I wanted to have a lot of good friends and that didn’t go over very well with some of my girlfriends. They all paired of as “best friends,” and even though I was still friends with them it was hurtful to be excluded. I think I probably had a lot more fun hanging out with a large group of good friends rather than hanging with just one “best” friend.
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August 11th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
I agree! No more BFF!
LYLAS is okay though!
August 11th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
I have a bunch of best friends, which probably makes it not mean as much but I have friends that are all special in their own way. In fact, I refer to most of my real life friends as my “best friend”s.
August 11th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
I had never thought of best friends this way – it’s a really good point.
But then I’m in trouble, because any kid that Thalia has ever met, played with, bumped into, or traded glances with on the playground is her “best friend.”
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August 11th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
It’s hard to decide what a best friend has to be to you. Great thoughts I enjoyed reading this post. Gave me things to think about.
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
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August 11th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
I don’t know if you want THAT friend that excludes all others, but I know that I always searched for the person that I felt really got me. I have 2. One has been my “best friend”, aka sister of my heart, for over 17 years. The other one? I married him.
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August 11th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Friendships can wax and wane. Those manipulative bullies can be tough to deal with. I have SILs who are wonderful; I got lucky.
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August 11th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
I have so many “best friends for” like a commenter above. My best friend for watching independent movies, my best friend for going to the driving range, etc. I think while I used to expect that I’d have a “best friend” who wanted to do anything and everything with me, that’s pretty unreasonable of me.
Anyway, I love this post
So very, very true.
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