Facing my fears
The first time I was struck by a sense of my own mortality was on an airplane, landing in St. Louis.
The weather wasn’t bad - maybe a bit cloudy, but certainly not foggy or stormy. I was in an aisle seat and so couldn’t see our approach out the window, but when we banked hard to the right and the nose of the plane pointed downward and I got a brief sensation of weightlessness, my heart leaped and my adrenaline raced. I looked around at my fellow passengers and realized that they too were frightened.
Obviously, we landed safely.
I survived another harrowing landing at LaGuardia - where a full complement of rescue vehicles, lights flashing, greeted us on the tarmac - and was fortunate enough to have a flight scheduled much later in the day on 9/11/2001 - which of course I never boarded. But the only other time that I was sharply aware that someday I’m going to die, and today might be it was when I looked up at the lights in the operating room shortly before Tacy was born.
Until I read an email from Slacker Mom advising me that Midwestern Mommy was undergoing a biopsy. Then I found out that it was not a biopsy to see IF, it was a biopsy to see WHAT. Because the IF had already been determined: she has cancer.
This 35 year old woman thought she had an upset tummy, expected to be sent home from urgent care with a roll of Tums. Instead, they sent her to the ER, and she hasn’t left the hospital since. We don’t know when she will.
We all get up each day and go about our business. We go to work and eat dinner and tend to our families. We check our email and pay bills and sign permission slips for field trips. Sometimes we even manage to scrub a toilet or two.
And we do all of this while grumbling about our ever-expanding to-do lists. Yes, we’ve got a lot on our plates, but we have nothing but days and days stretching out ahead of us in which to cross tasks off our lists.
Or so we think.
Considering my own mortality - the idea that something might be dreadfully wrong inside me and I don’t yet know about it - doesn’t make me care more about crossing those tasks off my list. Really, if I’m in the hospital, are people going to come over to my house and criticize me silently for the condition of my baseboards?
Instead, it reminds me that, more than anything else, I want to end each day feeling good about how I spent it.
I don’t mean that I want to live each day to its fullest, with no regrets. I’ve found that to be fairly impossible. For one, I simply can’t call everyone I love and tell them I love them on a daily basis; my wireless plan doesn’t include that many minutes.
And conflict is bound to occur. We aren’t always going to feel lovey-dovey toward all of our loved ones every minute of every day. Sometimes they do things like put too much toilet paper in the toilet, causing it to flood the bathroom. Or they leave their scooter in the driveway and we back over it and it gets stuck underneath the car. Or they spray us and themselves with pureed sweet potatoes after we’ve all just bathed. Or they forget to buy onions, which are apparently essential to homemade salsa, and have to go borrow from the neighbors.
But we all love each other. And we liberally dole out the hugs and kisses and “I love you’s”.
If tomorrow I had to go to urgent care with an upset tummy that just wouldn’t quit, and they told me to go straight to the ER, I’d be scared shitless. And if at the hospital they told me I had cancer, I don’t think I’d be able to catch my breath. I’d be terrified of what lay ahead.
But I’d know who would be right beside me.
Midwestern Mommy’s family is beside her. And so are the rest of us.
If you haven’t already left her a comment, please do. Even if you don’t know her, have never read her, have never even heard of her. Please. She’s wonderful, and she needs everyone beside her now.
July 31st, 2008 at 6:11 am
You’re right, “Living each day to the fullest” can be an overwhelming task, but living your life generally in a way that is full, that is filled with love, is a great way to tackle that.
I hadn’t met Midwestern Mommy before, but I did leave her a comment in support. I hope she’s okay.
Assertagirls last blog post..It’s a good thing Bert & Ernie weren’t there.
July 31st, 2008 at 8:56 am
it certainly is a wake up call. make every day count because you just NEVER know. hugs
alis last blog post..i have waited SEVEN years for this…
July 31st, 2008 at 10:34 am
And this is how I keep loving the blogsphere especially after the kind of negative crap that has been floating around of late. Team huddle everyone, someone needs our suppport. Glad you have our back MGM.
motherbumpers last blog post..talk to the hand
July 31st, 2008 at 11:59 am
I don’t know Midwestern Mommy but I’ve been over there too.
It’s easy to get caught up in small details and get frustrated with day to day life. But tonight I’ll go home and play with my kids, instead of Twitter. Just to make sure to enjoy today, so my family knows that I love them, despite my annoyances with them lately.
Thanks for making me think.
Issas last blog post..Things to not say to pregnant women…..
July 31st, 2008 at 1:54 pm
It is hard to live in “the moment” but sometimes you have to get scared enough to make sure you do so. Until life gets int eh way again.
Tuesdays last blog post..My Time
July 31st, 2008 at 6:01 pm
I don’t know her, but I’m heading there next to send her my prayers and good thoughts.
I agree that whole “live life to the fullest” is impossible. I like your approach much better. Too often I get so freaked out by silly, small stuff (like baseboards) that means nothing in the grand scheme. Thanks for the dose of reality.
Kimberlys last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Zonked
August 1st, 2008 at 10:38 am
Amen to that. I certainly never expected a visit to the ER for my child to turn into a two-week hospitalization. Here’s hoping Lisa’s stay is shorter than expected.
mayberrys last blog post..Nope, still not done talking about that appendix
August 1st, 2008 at 1:29 pm
You had a flight scheduled for 9/11? Holy crap, that’s scary! And yes, it’s hard to live each day to the fullest and with no regrets when the toilet is refusing to flush and the cat’s abscess just exploded all over you etc… But it’s always worth a try
Izzys last blog post..Get Mah Kicks on Route 66
August 1st, 2008 at 10:20 pm
Sometimes it’s easy to get lost on the internet and forget about real life - but posts like this keep me grounded and remind me how lucky I am and how much I have in my life that’s good.
Rachaels last blog post..Haiku Friday: A Burning Mess
August 2nd, 2008 at 8:23 am
Thanks for the reality check. Life is good and although it’s so hard sometimes it takes something like this to make everyone stand up and take notice. I’m heading over to Midwestern Mommy now.
Caras last blog post..In a Mommy Moment Redux