All the parenting expertise I need is right there in my feed reader
Last year in mid-May (yes, just about three weeks before we found out about Oliver), Kyle and I loaded up the last of our baby items into my in-laws’ car for them to take to Kyle’s brother, his wife, and their new baby.
While I wish we would have hung onto items like the high chair and exersaucer, I was more than happy to give up all the books on pregnancy and parenting (with the notable exceptions of Body, Soul and Baby, and the Girlfriend’s Guide, of course).
What to Expect, The Baby Whisperer, and Dr. Sears all went on their merry way to give my poor unsuspecting sister-in-law a complex of her own. In fact, I’m betting that these books even threw my ever-confident brother-in-law for a loop too.
What to Expect is widely documented already. The entire series reads like the “Scared Straight!” guide to pregnancy and child-rearing. Unsurprisingly, I received these tomes courtesy of my former employer’s “Employee Assistance Program”.
Dr. Sears is insidiously evil. The passive-aggressive tone of his books really did give me a complex – it’s as if he’s saying, “You don’t HAVE to practice attachment parenting, you CAN leave your baby all alone in what amounts to a miniature jail for hours and hours while she cries out in terror and wonders where her mommy and daddy went, if THAT’S the kind of parent YOU want to be.”
Jesus. What brand-new parent is immune to that sort of manipulation?
I did have a friend who practiced attachment parenting religiously. She hit the wine bottle at 4pm every day. Attachment parenting might not be right for you, even if you really want it to be.
I picked up The Baby Whisperer after about six nonstop weeks of holding Tacy, which didn’t necessarily prevent her from crying or help her to sleep. On the up side, this book countered Dr. Sears’ assertion that babies don’t have a routine – maybe not, but you can certainly put them on one – and gave me some framework to help structure those endless days.
But it still liberally dished out the guilt. One passage discussed the importance of narrating what we’re doing each time we touch the baby, because how would we like it if someone laid us down on our back and yanked our legs over our head? I see the point about being calm and gentle, but the analogy doesn’t work.
So I re-read Body, Soul and Baby and the Girlfriend’s Guide while pregnant with Oliver – mainly for entertainment – but I decided to go by memory once he was born.
Memory served me well, until he reached four months and still wouldn’t sleep through the night. Four hours at a stretch was typical.
We started him on cereal right away, hoping that would help. He ate like a champ – better than either of the girls did when we started them at five months – but he still didn’t sleep more than four hours.
Tired and frustrated, I went against my instincts and ordered another parenting book. Instead of reading it straight through, I flipped around to find the parts I needed. Average nap duration and intervals for this age? Check. Average night wakings for this age? Check. Suggested bedtime? Check. Questions answered, book closed, guilt avoided.
But I did read enough to sense the self-righteousness that seems to be present in all pregnancy and parenting books. Even the Girlfriend’s Guide has a bit of it here and there. The “I suppose you can do it THAT way, but really, anyone who cares about their child (or themselves) does it THIS way” attitude that makes me start questioning myself all over again if I read too much of it.
It’s not limited to pregnancy and early parenting books either. I started to read another parenting book with the intention of reviewing it, one that’s geared toward older children and specific circumstances, but the first few introductory chapters left me cold. Essentially, it called out several communication styles as being hurtful, counterproductive, and just plain wrong – and we probably use three-quarters of those “bad” tactics.
Granted, I’m sure our communication could use some improvement, mine especially. But it’s discouraging for someone who considers herself to be a more-than-halfway decent parent to read a laundry list of what she’s doing “wrong”, particularly when everything seems to be going right the majority of the time.
So chalk up one more point for the blogosphere, and one more point against so-called expert advice. Take what you need from the experts and leave the rest. But if you want friendship and camaraderie and validation, stick with the bloggers.
June 26th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
I had the same thoughts about most of the parenting books I’ve read.
I choose to do things my own wrong way.
Heathers last blog post..Nursing…Without Nurses
June 26th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
i just hope when i finally do get married and start having babies, all these wonderful women are still around for support for me.
Laras last blog post..Seven Hundred Thirty-One Days Later
June 26th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
I LOVED What to Expect When You’re Expecting. But never made it past chapter 1 of the child rearing editions. Who has the time once the baby is born??
Miss Britts last blog post..Wherever I Go, There I’ll Be
June 26th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
Oh that baby whisperer. That was the one I most wanted to burn.
mayberrys last blog post..My new summer cocktail
June 26th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Amen on Sears.
Cheryls last blog post..The Universe is Heavy Tonight
June 26th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
I loved this. Thanks for saying it so incredibly well.
Oh and What to Expect. When I read that a bagel was as ‘treat’ for a healthy pregnant diet, I threw the book in the trash. A treat is half a cheesecake, a bagel is lunch!
anymommys last blog post..It Just Keeps Getting Better and Better
June 26th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
“What to FEAR When You Are Expecting,” you mean.
The Best Odds Diet in “What to Eat When You’re Expecting” was a total flop. I made one recipe (bran muffins with wheat flour, wheat germ and apple sauce for sweetener instead of sugar) – it tasted so disgusting that I threw out the book.
I definitely haven’t been doing as much reading with baby 2!
Lady Ms last blog post..Still Life with Bottle Brushes
June 27th, 2008 at 5:34 am
I had the EXACT same experience with my second, who was a boy. His sister slept through the night much earlier, so I was unprepared for the challenge of sleep issues, and I also bought and obsessed over that very same book.
I always found that the more books you read, the crazier it makes you. And I could never get either of my babies on a schedule.
The thing that finally worked for me, regarding sleep, was moving him to his own room in a crib and letting him cry it out a bit.
Whatever you do, your gut as the mother of YOUR child, who is 100% unique, is smarter than any book could ever be.
Zellmers last blog post..Discipline
June 27th, 2008 at 6:19 am
I was religiously reading What to Expect until I found out I was having twins…where the hell is the help for that? They don’t tell you squat about it and on top of that they don’t tell you what to do when one sleeps and the other won’t, etc. I just had to make my own rules and I’m still praying to find a 3 bedroom house that’s affordable in my area just so I can get them in their own rooms so they don’t wake each other up at night…Oh, the angst…
June 27th, 2008 at 6:22 am
What you said about Dr. Sears? So true. He’s sneeky, that man.
June 27th, 2008 at 10:42 am
You know, you are so right. The blogosphere has taught me so much more than I’ve ever learned in a parenting book.
midlife mommys last blog post..Mish Mash
June 27th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
I love you. I love that you wrote this. Amen.
GirlsGoneChilds last blog post..Congratulations. Your Baby is now the Size of a Donkey’s Left Scrotum
June 27th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
These books really are evil. Every one makes you feel like if you don’t follow their advice your child will wind up on a clocktower with a rifle. After a sickening amount of guilt and self-doubt those first months of my daughters life, inspired by Drs Sears, Weisbluth, etc, I packed them away and have been going by gut since.
Caras last blog post..On her own two feet…
June 28th, 2008 at 4:41 am
I totally agree. This pregnancy I haven’t picked up one book and don’t plan to. There hasn’t been one book or parenting style that I can agree with 100%- except the one I invent for myself!
Steph
Adventures In Babywearings last blog post..While Mommy’s Away…
June 28th, 2008 at 7:03 am
Totally with you. I read tons of books, took what worked, discarded the rest, enlisted the advice of friends and went with it.
Aimee Greeblemonkeys last blog post..Eventful Day
June 28th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
What to Expect freaked me out. I thought I’d ruined my baby by running over two miles at a time past the third month of pregnancy. They need to lighten up. Dr. Sears haunted me for many, many colic-filled nights, the bastard.
Ozs last blog post..Vacations, With and Without Baby
June 30th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
i’ve been told (in and not in so many words) i’m a bad mother so many times over the past 7 years that i’m no longer even remotely moved by the commentary. i just shrug my shoulders, hand my 6 1/2 year old another dose of psychotropic meds, and dangle my 5 week old by the ankles so i have a free hand to pour another alcoholic beverage for myself…
July 5th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Totally agree, none of the experts (me included!) are actually parenting your children. They aren’t putting them to bed at night and they aren’t getting up with them in the morning. They aren’t even at your house. (Well, I can come and spend the night at your house, but if I do, I just want to drink wine and gab!)
Devra Renners last blog post..Extra Extra Read all about…..
July 6th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
great post – tell me you’ve found Catherine Newman and her “Waiting for Birdy” book and blog – she’s great. thanks be to blogs!
November 14th, 2008 at 10:10 am
[...] unequivocally on the record as not being a fan of parenting books. They give me a complex, and really, who needs any more neuroses than they’ve already [...]