Carrot cake
While most people go to the salon and spill their guts to their stylist (or sit captive in the chair while their stylist spills her own guts), I go to the salon and eavesdrop on the other clients. It’s great entertainment, not to mention interesting food for thought.
At my recent appointment, I listened to a woman describe in detail the engagement ring she would be receiving. The metal, the setting, and of course, the size:
Well, we’re starting with a carat. Then in a year, we’ll trade it in for two carats. He really wants me to have two carats. And [store name] has a program where you can upgrade, so we’ll do that.
I couldn’t help glancing over to get a look at her. She was in her mid to late thirties. And yet, the way she was talking reminded me of the girls I knew who had gotten engaged in college.
I remember listening to them talk about their rings – crowing about having received a “carrot cake” or hiding their disappointment that their boyfriend had simply handed over his mother’s engagement ring from her first marriage. They may have been on the verge of getting married, but they sounded so young.
I’ll admit that I got engaged and married relatively young myself (engaged at 24, married at 25), and my priorities weren’t always straight. Even now they still need periodic readjustments. But I didn’t understand this concern with the size of a diamond, then or now.
Do women think it’s a reflection of the love their husband-to-be has for them? Or his professional success? In their eyes, does big rock = long and happy marriage? Does the public display of a large diamond compensate for the credit card interest spent acquiring it or the inevitable squabbles about money down the line?
I don’t mean to imply that every woman with a sizable ring has a crappy marriage and a low credit score. But when the acquisition of a material possession – particularly one that, in my simplistic view, ought to be primarily sentimental – is about trading in and trading up, I pity the apparent lack of romance.
Full disclosure: I don’t have a carrot cake. But that hasn’t stopped me from looking down admiringly at my ring several times a day for the past almost 12 years. It’s beautiful – in both its symbolism and its actuality – and I honestly wouldn’t trade it in or up.
So I wish my fellow salon-goer well. I hope she loves her ring, whichever one she ends up with. But more importantly, I hope she loves the person who gives it to her.
May 28th, 2008 at 5:20 am
Well put. I got engaged when I lived in NYC and I always felt almost embarrassed by my 1.25ct ring because everyone there always seemed to care so much about size.
May 28th, 2008 at 5:22 am
I got engaged at 18 and married at 19. But still, 9 years later, I can’t imagine trading my engagement ring in for a bigger, newer model (it’s actually a really decent size, any bigger and I don’t think it would look right anyway).
May 28th, 2008 at 5:39 am
I have barely a chip of a diamond in my engagement ring, but 15 years after I received it, I still wouldn’t trade it for anything. I remember how much my husband struggled to buy it for me and what it meant to both of us. It’s not the size of the diamond that matters, but the heart that’s in it.
May 28th, 2008 at 5:42 am
My ring is quite modest in size but I’ve never felt ashamed of it when in the presence of much bigger carats. Ever. I do think if the size of the ring is going to matter that much, then priorities might be a wee bit out of order. I look at my ring like you do and treasure it! I have friends that recently updated theirs by turning it into a bigger diamond and whole other setting. I can’t imagine replacing mine. Now- if I got to keep this AND get a whole other huge ring, that might be another story. But in the meantime, I’m so content with the one I love. : )
Steph
Adventures In Babywearings last blog post..Captured
May 28th, 2008 at 5:44 am
I have to ring in on this one. (No pun intended)
A few years ago my hubby wanted me to get a bigger ring now that he makes more money.
We met when he was on leave from Desert Storm and got engaged 3 months later. I was 19. With his Army pay after the war he bought a car and my engagement ring. The money that bought my ring was earned while he was serving our country and my ring isn’t big, or small, but I’m not getting rid of it. It’s definitely the story behind the ring, not the size of the rock that counts.
Sonias last blog post..Stuff That Changes Colors
May 28th, 2008 at 5:58 am
I got engaged at 23, and no ring — just a promise. I liked it that way. We were married for 3 years before I had a ring. And that was incidental … my mother had found a ring in an antique store that she though I’d love and it was a steal ($300). Hubby was finally working and we spluged. I love it and would never “trade up”. (ok, maybe a little added diamond band might be nice for our 20 yr anniversary, but hey).
I don’t understand the demand for bling.
Waiting Amys last blog post..Painful Purchase
May 28th, 2008 at 6:02 am
My engagement ring is an antique cameo, belonging once to my MIL. It is gorgeous and unconventional. You would not BELIEVE the looks I got when I showed it off after we got engaged. It was like I had two heads.
My band is also unconventional – a ring we designed and had made. It is beautiful.
Funny, though, my husband insisted the center stone be one carat.
Mrs. Chickens last blog post..My Papier-Mache Heart
May 28th, 2008 at 6:10 am
I love my ring. It’s tiny and intricate and bought with love. Trade up? Are you kidding?
daysgobys last blog post..well, postage shouldn’t be much…
May 28th, 2008 at 6:11 am
right now they are probably just really consumed in the engagement and wedding craziness. Once they are married, hopefully they will realize just how trivial the size of the ring is. I love my ring, and it’s not because of the size.
DesignHER Mommas last blog post..A change will do you good…. – and giveaway!
May 28th, 2008 at 6:54 am
I didn’t want a big rock to be honest. I bang my ring on stuff enough as it is! My ring isn’t tiny, nor big. It’s just right. Perfect for me because it’s from my husband.
Heathers last blog post..Time in a Bottle
May 28th, 2008 at 8:10 am
My husband wanted to get me a larger stone a few years ago, not as a “trade-up” but just because he liked it and wanted me to have it. He and the jeweler were both shocked that I didn’t want it. Since when does a woman turn down a 2-carat diamond, right? But it wouldn’t be the same as the ring he gave me when he proposed and no amount of discussion will ever convince me otherwise.
May 28th, 2008 at 8:10 am
I don’t have an engagement ring. I’m not that kind of a person. I do wear a wedding ring, but it was the first ring I ever had. Now I have two wedding bands – a plain classic yellow gold one, and a plain modern white gold one. And I have no desire for a diamond.
magpies last blog post..Six Things and Some Other Stuff
May 28th, 2008 at 8:27 am
My husband and I got engaged right after college and we didn’t want to buy a ring on credit. So, we spent $500 and went for clarity over size. The first person who saw it (my in-law’s neighbor) described it as “dainty” and my husband about died. However, I love it and wouldn’t trade or upgrade for anything. Like many before me said, it’s the love behind it.
May 28th, 2008 at 8:59 am
While I certainly understand your point, I don’t necessarily think there’s any harm in something ‘bigger.’
I was engaged at 21 and married at 22, my husband was wise enough to buy my ring for cash. At the time, I was more than delighted by it. He said ’some day something bigger.’ Three years later he bought me a wrap for it. Last Christmas? The ’something bigger.’
What happened to the first ring? It’s tucked safely in my jewelry box. You couldn’t pay me enough for it.
I guess this is the long way of saying it wasn’t me that wanted something bigger – it was him.
Gretchens last blog post..Teacher Gift
May 28th, 2008 at 9:08 am
My engagement ring isn’t even a half carat, but we were poor students and I never want to forget that. Sadly, I haven’t worn my rings in almost four years. First I lost too much weight and they were dangerously big (and I was pregnant and didn’t want to get them resized until I knew what my size was going to be) and then I lost the rings themselves in one of our many, many moves.
My husband was beside himself the whole time I couldn’t find them. When I DID find them, I cried big fat juicy tears. I was so happy to see them again. I’ll never trade them in, either, but I think I’m overdue for a resizing.
When I see big fat “two months salary” diamonds, I just imagine all the much better ways that money could be spent. I’d take a mini van any day of the week over a diamond.
Amandas last blog post..About a mouse
May 28th, 2008 at 9:20 am
We have a good friend who owns a jewelry store. When he is short on staff I will fill in for him. I find it sad when girls/ladies come in and say “Well, it has to be at least 2 carats.” Hmmm, what if it is only 1.75cts are you going to give it back and not marry him? My wedding ring is perfect and the center diamond is *only* .5cts. We had the side stones changed out from diamonds to DH & my birthstones. I get compliments all the time about my ring and it has been on my finger for 13 years. It isn’t about the size, but if those girls who need the huge freaking rock feel better about themselves wearing it, well good luck to them.
May 28th, 2008 at 9:51 am
I shamelessly admit, I picked out my own. For that matter, I picked out my husband’s, too. I got what I liked, which was neither big nor small.
I always thought it was the feelings behind what the ring represents, a commitment to bond to another human being, and not the size that mattered, so I fail to understand how “upgrading” embodies what the original was meant to represent. Just my thought.
Angies last blog post..Okay, for This Week
May 28th, 2008 at 10:53 am
I’m always amazed when people blithely trade in their rings. I am way too sentimental for that!
mayberrys last blog post..Morning nightmare
May 28th, 2008 at 11:16 am
My wedding ring is made of sapphires and diamonds…all very little.
I love it.
More every day. It doesn’t matter that we can afford bigger, only that he so carefully thought about what I would like and gave it to me with love.
Redneck Mommys last blog post..Vaseline (and Unicorns)
May 28th, 2008 at 11:19 am
We’ve been married for seventeen years – since we were 19 – and I’ve never had an engagement ring. We had it on our list of “must haves” a few years ago and when we really thought about it, we realized that we’d come this far without one, our marriage was wonderful and we would probably rather have other material possessions or put that money into our kids’ college funds than spend it on a rock. There’s also that whole blood diamond issue that I would have to reconcile with myself and that just takes energy…of which I have none to spare, so no diamond for me.
Finally, was anyone else really disappointed that this post wasn’t really about actual carrot cake? No? Just me then. I was actually drooling when I clicked on the link. Maybe I should take lunch early.
Procrastamoms last blog post..Mooooom!!11!!!
May 28th, 2008 at 11:20 am
I am not sentimental at all, I guess. I picked out a CZ engagement ring online that he gave to me when he proposed (none of it was a surprise). When we married, I received an heirloom ring that was his great-grandmother’s (didn’t like it). When I got pregnant, it didn’t fit me anymore. Oh darn. I didn’t wear one at all for over a year. Finally bought a simple CZ eternity band from Walmart of all places, and I wear that now with my grandmother’s simple gold wedding band.
The whole shtick is… I don’t really care. I’m married whether or not I wear a ring. Now I have a few options to choose from (the engagement, wedding, and post-pregnancy set) when I put on jewelry every day. As for upgrading? Sure. It’s not the ring itself but the presence of a ring (if that). Oh man. I sound like a heartless b.
Cheryls last blog post..One Mother Against Drunk Driving
May 28th, 2008 at 11:59 am
I got engaged at 21 and married at 23, and my ring reflects our status at the time. I wouldn’t dream of changing it for a bigger rock, but secretly I’ve lamented the fact that he chose (and surprised me) with such a traditional setting. I would have preferred something more unconventional.
Marketing Mommys last blog post..Crying it out
May 28th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
i have never even thought about getting a bigger diamond!! i did, however, get my original diamond reset when i had my third baby..because my first setting was really trendy and i wanted something more classic. but the diamond itself? will be there for life!
alis last blog post..my worst break-up ever…
May 28th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
I remember being in a dressing room and hearing someone in the next stall say that she wouldn’t get engaged for anything less than three carats. Three. We had different priorities, to say the least.
I was engaged at 23 and married at 24, and I told my man (who was not making much at all as woodworker) that I thought going into debt for a diamond was silly. So, I’ve got a very small stone (I don’t actually know how big, but it’s probably under .5) he bought with hard-earned cash, and I adore it. He’s given me jewelry for a few of our anniversaries (including a sapphire eternity band), and I’m always delighted to get it, though I can’t imagine giving up my little ring.
Ozs last blog post..Roly-Poly
May 28th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
My ring is not huge. It is not small. I get alot of compliments on it. I love it because my husband totally picked it out by himself! The thought of trading “up” makes me want to cry! I cannot imagine trading something that he put so much thought into. To me, an engagement ring is not a status symbol. It is a memory that cannot be replaced by any diamond in the world.
May 28th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
I got engaged at 20 and married at 22. My husband happened to have a lot of hotel points and got my ring through Hilton Honors with hotel points. No, I am not kidding. I knew where it came from, I didn’t care and I still don’t. I just thought it was gorgeous and it was much bigger than anything we’d have been able to afford. Still, it’s not huge, it might be a carat total, or maybe less. In any case, I can’t imagine walking around with a flawless two carat rock on my hand… what if I lost it??! I guess you get it insured, but it’s not the same.
Rachaels last blog post..100 Things About Me
May 29th, 2008 at 6:06 am
I have no idea what size my engagement ring is, other than just the right size for me. It’s part of a very simple white gold three-ring set – engagement band, wedding band, anniversary band.
I wore just the engagement and wedding rings for a year because I didn’t think it made sense to spend the money on yet another band so soon. It looked a bit lopsided but I didn’t mind – I loved that my shopping-phobic hubby had picked them out himself. On our first anniversary, with money a bit tight because I was home on maternity leave, he surprised me with the third band.
We could win the lottery tomorrow and I wouldn’t trade my rings.
Hannahs last blog post..service is a four-letter word
May 29th, 2008 at 10:14 am
My husband surprised me with our engagement and my ring. And I can’t imagine anything else, because *he* picked out out *himself* just for me to demonstrate his love. And in my mind, that makes it the most beautiful ring on the planet. Certainly not a carrot cake for me, but the only ring I could ever want. It’s so special that now that the swollen hands have pregnancy have forced me to remove it from my finger, I’m wearing it on a chain around my neck. Because it’s too special to not have with me all the time. And that’s what makes for a perfect engagement ring!
May 29th, 2008 at 11:28 am
I’m guessing that most women want something that makes them feel loved and wanted, and that their partner saved, sacrificed, and invested for her. So I can see how the ring size might make a woman feel like more of a catch – or that she got more of a catch. Even though it’s totally retarded.
That said I don’t have one. But also, I’m not married. So what do I know.
Mom101s last blog post..That’s It. I Am Officially a Mommyblogger
May 29th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
I also sincerely wish a great marriage on your fellow salon-goer. May she soon see the unimportance of a large ring in the light of a good marriage, to a good man.
As for my ring…. love it, never would I trade it. This ring has been through real life, and it’s my treasure.
-Andrea
May 29th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
The buy that I am with now was previously with a “lady” who requested an $18,000 engagement ring.
I personally would rather take that 18,000$ and put it towards the down payment on a first house, or furniture, or a vacation. Or all of those things.
I never understood the diamond obsession. That ring will be special to me because he gave it to me, not because of how big it is.
Danis last blog post..Graduation pictures. More to come
May 29th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
my ring isn’t even a diamond. i didn’t WANT a diamond, and my husband–who is morally opposed to the diamond mining industry’s evils–was happy to oblige me. i wanted an opal, and that’s what i got. it didn’t put him in the poorhouse, and i love it. i’m sure people assume that’s the best he could do on a sports writer’s salary, but we know the truth, and that’s what matters.
May 29th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
This is a second marriage and I told my husband that I didn’t want a diamond. Didn’t want him to waste his money on that this time.
So, instead, because he is way stubborn, he had a different ring designed using red spinel and diamonds on the side. It’s beautiful.
Turns out, he wanted me to have something that made people look – to him it said that someone really loved me. And even though I try not to be materialistic? When I look down at that big ole honking rock flanked with little honking rocks? I never ever see it without feeling overwhelmed with how much he loves me.
canapes last blog post..Bird’s new wheels
May 30th, 2008 at 7:00 am
My ring is well-endowed (ha ha), but honestly, I forget about the size until others comment on it. We didn’t have to go in to debt to purchase it, thanks to a bonus my husband received for being MVP, and while I think the ring is beautiful, I think others admire its beauty while I admire what it means.
May 30th, 2008 at 9:14 am
Ahhh to be young and naive again.
No way would I give up this ring! I had to wait a long time while my dh saved the cash to buy it.
I did have it rhodium plated recently, figured it need to be shined up for our ten year anniversary trip next month.
May 30th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
I’d say go for the bigger penis size. That ring can’t help you when you’re jonesin’ for a little lovin.’
And the diamond from my ring was actually my husband’s ex-fiance’s. Not sure how I feel about that, some days I don’t mind and others I’m like “hmmm, this is kind of weird.”
Doesn’t really matter now, though, since I haven’t been able to fit into it in 4 years.
Motherhood Uncensoreds last blog post..Pledge Week
May 30th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
I actually…….thought big was gonna be best. I’ve been married four times.
Ring number 1: small, simple – a year later, big – marriage ended 6 months later
Ring number 2: big from the beginning – lasted about 8 months
Ring number 3: non-existant – lasted 3 years..
Ring number 4: there wasn’t one, he asked his mom for advice, she gave him the ring she was given by her second husband BEFORE she got the big ring 15 years later – a year later he bought me a ring of my own when we could afford it – then, his grandmother died and her ring was given to him, now I wear it sometimes and sometimes I wear the one I was given when we could afford one – 6 years on June 15th…and going strong…..
Big is better in some things AND somethings…..love is simply better.