Meeting my mother in the middle
When I was growing up, I often marveled at the way my friends spoke to their mothers. To put it bluntly, if I’d mouthed off like they did, my mother would have smacked me. Of course, she did smack me a few times, but I only took the liberty of talking back to her in private. I didn’t want to risk getting smacked in front of my friends.
My mother was on a pedestal for me. Not as a mother per se, but as an ideal to which I might aspire, particularly in terms of appearances. She was (and still is) petite and well-dressed and well-spoken and meticulous. I could never measure up. I was (and still am) none of those things, at least not to the degree that I always perceived her to be when I was growing up.
As a teen, since there was no sense in continuing to try to measure up, I went in the opposite direction. And throughout my childhood, I know I confounded and disappointed her many times in many ways of greater consequence than my smart mouth or my drawers full of black clothes.
Now, most of the mother-daughter relationships I hear about seem to fall into one of two major categories: mothers and daughters who are best friends, and mothers and daughters who don’t speak to each other.
My adult relationship with my mother is different. We give each other lots of space, and we like it that way. Even during my time at the Pentagon, when we were only twenty minutes apart, we didn’t live in each other’s pockets. I’d drive out to my parents’ house for dinner, they’d drive in to pick me up and we’d head into Washington for the day, or my mother would meet me at Pentagon City. But sometimes we’d go weeks without seeing or talking to each other - not because we were angry with one another, but just because we were busy.
We disagree on some topics, and unlike when I was growing up, now I can tell her so without feeling as if I might disappoint her or that my opinion is wrong. We agree to disagree, and then we move on to a different topic.
Although we’ve got some baggage, I don’t know of a mother and daughter who don’t. What’s important is that neither of us holds that baggage against the other. We enjoy each other for who we are, no strings or guilt attached. I can only hope for the same resolution and eventual relationship with my own daughters when they’re adults.
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Mother’s Day is coming up, and even though many of us are mothers ourselves, we’ve all had a mother or mother figure in our lives. PBN is helping Microsoft promote their campaign “Portraits of Mom” with a Blog Blast this weekend. Paint for us your portrait of a mother, and you could win a $250 gift certificate to your local photography studio of choice.
Want to see Tacy’s artwork on TV, along with the fabulous Kristen and Liz? Check it out!
April 25th, 2008 at 5:55 am
I think that’s a little how it is with my mom: the heft of baggage but we don’t hold it against each other. Sometimes there’s a bit of an eggshell dance when “topics” get brought up, but for the most part, we just enjoy each other where we are in our lives right now.
April 25th, 2008 at 6:09 am
It took me a long time to get to this point… and I always brought up the topics that we disagreed on the MOST!
April 25th, 2008 at 7:39 am
I beg to differ … you are most certainly well-spoken! And well-dressed!
And I loved “Bear, Not Beer.”
April 25th, 2008 at 7:54 am
[…] Meeting My Mother in the Middle […]
April 25th, 2008 at 8:55 am
Wonderful post!
It took my father’s death for me to really get to know my mom, really, for the first time in my life.
We’re not best buddies, but we do have a wonderful and respectful relationship.
Sounds like it’s very much like your relationship with you mom.
Happy Mom’s Day!
April 25th, 2008 at 10:05 am
I wouldn’t say my mom was my best friend…but she is a very good friend of mine. There are still just some things that I can’t talk to my mom about because I either don’t want her opinion at all or I’m worried that she’d think poorly of me.
What a thoughtful post.
April 25th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
I remember my mother telling me “I’m not your friend, I’m your mother.”
I thought I was missing out for a long while because my friends were buddies with their moms, but at the same time I always felt safe at home, like things were in control and I didn’t have to worry about them.
I also learned early how to respect authority. I don’t think I would have learned that so thoroughly if my parents had been different.
But I had to laugh at your description of your mother, because it was like describing me and mine. She’s teensy and perfectly put together. I’m um…not-so-teensy and back then, certainly tried to be my own person.
I learned later I WAS my own person and that I could be me and didn’t have to live up to what she was/is.
It was freeing.
I really enjoy her now. I’ve always loved her, but as an adult I truly enjoy her.
April 25th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
For as long as I can remember I have struggled to respect my mother, she’s nothing I want to be. I’m not sure even now that she knows the degree to which I feel that way. I commend you for coming to a place with your mother in which you can both respect one another.
April 26th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
My mother and I are so very different too. I was always jealous of those bestfriend mother/daughter duos.
I secretly wished for sons so I could avoid the whole daughter thing. And I, of course, have two amazing daughters. I couldn’t be more grateful.
April 27th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
I only wish that my mother and I could share a mutual respect.
Maybe one day.
Until that day arrives, I’ll just work at ensuring my daughter and my relationship is completely different.