The torture of sleep deprivation
“So how’s the baby sleeping?”
What, the dark circles under my eyes aren’t enough of an answer?
I think fear of anticipated sleep deprivation was my number one concern when I discovered I was pregnant last summer. Not whether we could afford another baby, or where he would sleep, or the fact that we’d given away nearly all of our baby gear. The thought of at least three month’s worth of short stretches of sleep filled me with dread through my whole pregnancy.
There’s a reason why sleep deprivation has been used as an interrogation tactic; it’s a total mindfuck. I remember sobbing to Kyle one night shortly after CJ was born that I couldn’t do this again, that it was too hard. The hormonal roller coaster of pregnancy and the pain of recovering from surgery weren’t nearly as difficult for me as the uncertainty of rest in those first few months.
Imagine this scenario: It’s eleven-thirty. You’ve nursed the baby (for the twelfth time that day), swaddled him, and patted his back for a count of five hundred. It’s finally almost time for you to get some sleep yourself. But first you’ve got to put him down.
You gently lower him into whatever space serves as his bed (because it’s a rare newborn who consistently sleeps in a crib or cradle or bassinet), taking great care not to bump his head or his feet. He snuffles once or twice, but then resumes his deep breathing. You exhale, not even aware that you’ve been holding your breath.
As soundlessly as possible, you pull back the covers of your own bed and slide in. And just as you lay your head on your pillow and exhale again, you hear it.
“Eh…eh…eh…”
The sound of a newborn warming up to start wailing.
You hold your breath again. Maybe he’ll settle himself.
Silence.
You exhale and close your eyes.
“Eh…eh…eh…”
Goddamn it.
You open your eyes and lift your head. Maybe…
“Eh…eh…ehhhhh…wahhhhh! WAHHHHH!”
FUCK.
You get up and pick him up, and the two of you start all over again. Repeat at one-thirty, three-thirty, and five-thirty - for more than fifty nights in a row.
There’s no denying that it wears you down. If enemy captors put me through that routine, I’d definitely start making up some super-secret fictional intel if only to get more than two hours of sleep at a time. At least with a baby, you know it will end. Eventually.
Getting back to the question at hand: “So, how’s the baby sleeping?”
Better than I expected. Thanks for asking.
April 2nd, 2008 at 5:25 pm
I remember those days…not fondly! I felt like I was in a fog for at least the first 3 months of each child’s life. You’re right, though, there is an end in sight. I hope it’s real soon for you. Until then, hang in there!
April 2nd, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Oh god, I just had total nightmarish flashbacks of my now 5 year old doing the eh…eh thing as a newborn. I thought I had blocked that out but you describe it so exactly right. I hope it gets better soon.
catnip’s last blog post..life’s little irritations #3
April 2nd, 2008 at 6:14 pm
I had forgotten about the newborn grunting thing. Great reminder as I consider trying for #3!
beth’s last blog post..my little big girl
April 2nd, 2008 at 6:25 pm
I have a serious case of baby fever. It does me good to remember the hell that was the first few months of sleeplessness with #1.
I admire ANYONE that survives the first and goes on to do it again.
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April 2nd, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Looking at my belly wincing.
;P
amanda’s last blog post..Faucet Love
April 2nd, 2008 at 6:48 pm
Oh I know it. And I will be living it again soon with #3.
But really? Only 3 months? You had it easy then. I don’t think either of my kids slept through the night until they were at least a year old.
Heather’s last blog post..Things that make my head want to explode
April 2nd, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Oh hon. Oh honey. Oh God I remember that.
I am so, so sorry.
daysgoby’s last blog post..heth tho thex-ay
April 2nd, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Next to reliving the hell we went through losing our youngest you have named my very, very, very biggest fear about having another.
Mindfuck, indeed.
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April 2nd, 2008 at 8:04 pm
I hope that’s a happy ending that I detect… but you KNOW I sympathize.
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April 2nd, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Seriously, just reading that caused my adrenaline to start pumping. For me that was the absolute worst part of the whole sleep deprivation (and ho boy did we experience sleep deprivation). Every time that “eh…eh…ehhhh” started up I got a jolt of adrenaline which kept me up for at least half an hour, even if the baby DID go back to sleep. It was indescribably frustrating!
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April 2nd, 2008 at 8:28 pm
I’m loathe to admit that I gave in and let the baby sleep with us. Sleep being the key word. I regretted it later, but I was just too tired to care.
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April 2nd, 2008 at 9:00 pm
I’ve always said that the CIA should recruit new moms as spies. If I got caught, pfft…
Waterboarding? Do I get to lay down for it?
Fine. Sign me up.
April 3rd, 2008 at 5:31 am
What Amanda said. And also what Jozet said.
Blaarrggh.
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April 3rd, 2008 at 6:02 am
I get a weird stomach sink when I hear the waking up…
UGH.
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April 3rd, 2008 at 7:13 am
Oh, I KNOW. My Oliver was a terrible sleeper until he was about one, and to be honest it is a big factor in my hesitation to have a third. It just KILLED me. Even now, at almost 3, he wakes up in the night a LOT, needing me.
*yawn*
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April 3rd, 2008 at 8:35 am
which is exactly why bob spent many a night swaddled and strapped into his swing in the middle of the living room, because i knew once he was out in that thing, he wouldn’t be waking up for a good long while. and why moosebaby will likely do the same.
April 3rd, 2008 at 9:07 am
I went through EIGHT MONTHS of that. Eight. Solid. Months. I thought I was going to die. Hang in there! Think of it as an endurance challenge!
April 3rd, 2008 at 9:18 am
I think this might be why Boog slept in his car seat until he was 4 months old. When we discovered around 5 weeks that he slept best swaddled in his car seat on two blankets in his crib we just sort of stuck with that until he got too big for it.
My husband would swing the seat or rock it on the ottoman until he was out and then put the seat in the crib. The less moving of the actual boy the better.
I swear I shudder when I think about those sleepless months. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to do that again.
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April 3rd, 2008 at 11:52 am
You decribed it perfectly.
Actually, our worst time period was after newborn, in the 3.5 months to 7.5 months sleep regression/living hell.
But please don’t remind me. I’m trying to convince myself it wasn’t as bad as it was, as we talk about trying again.
Good luck to you guys!
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April 3rd, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I so identify with you. Totally…100%!!!
Our bed butts right up against the baby’s bedroom wall which happens to be the wall in her room that the crib is next to and she totally waits…WAITS…for me to pull the covers up over me before she’ll start to scootch all over again…drives me batshit crazy!!!
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April 3rd, 2008 at 2:24 pm
We just went through this exact thing. My husband and I would shout “Fuck!” in the middle of the night. I felt like I was literally losing my mind. I was so tired I’d hallucinate. And I obsessed over ways to make him sleep better. Swaddle, half-swaddle or no swaddle. Back sleeping or stomach sleeping. We put the pack n’ play in every room in the house. We tried formula before bed. I mean everything. What finally worked? I think it was a combination of buying him his own crib, putting him in a room by himself and letting him cry it out a bit. I don’t know what your feelings are regarding crying it out, but it totally works as a last resort. He was waking up every two hours just last week. Last night was his 4th night in a row sleeping 12 hours without any awakenings. I’ve also been supplementing to get his weight up. (He is five months old, by the way.)
I would try letting him cry a bit, if you can stand it. Seriously, now I put him down in his crib and he just closes his eyes and goes to sleep. It’s f’ing incredible.
Best of luck to you.
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April 3rd, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Oh, how the memories of that all flood back, I actually get tense thinking about that situation you describe. I have to be honest, it’s a BIG reason I’m not sure I could have another. I hope he gives you some reprieve soon.
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April 3rd, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Hell to the yeah, I remember that too well. The irony of it all is that since I was the one that got up 99.9% of the time with Monkey Man, the hubby’s #1 for not wanting any more kids? “God, all those night wakings just wore me out, I don’t think I could do it again.” I almost beat him to a pulp over that one.
It does get better. But you know that already.
Builder Mama’s last blog post..Disappointment
April 3rd, 2008 at 5:43 pm
my six year old has been waking me up with nightmares once a night everynight for the past night - it is all resolved in about two minutes, but i feel like a train wreck every morning. not sure how i did it when they were babies…..
April 3rd, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Oh boy - that post could’ve been written by me! DD#2 is almost 9 months old and has FINALLY begun sleeping in 4 hour stretches at night - for the past 8 months she’s been sleeping in 90min to 2 hour stretches….
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April 4th, 2008 at 8:04 am
I just laughed (in sympathy) so hard! That absolutely describes me putting my kids down. It seems like all my friends’ babies do 10 hour stretches at a time from birth. Mine, not so much so. My youngest is now 7 months, and I am so bagged from the sleep deprivation I can barely see straight.
So we started the COI (which didn’t work with son 1) but seems to be having an effect on son 2. He is now giving us up to 7 hours at a stretch.
Hang in there. And remember that IQ drops proportionally with the number of hours missed, so don’t do any heavy mental lifting for a while!
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April 4th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
This post gave me flashbacks.
Flash. Backs.
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April 4th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Worst.part.ever.
Babies are wonderful and I loved mine to death (they are grown now) but omg the lack of sleep is something I will never forget. Totally sympathize.
BetteJo’s last blog post..Time marches on
April 5th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Oh, I remember those waking up noises. And I would lie perfectly still thinking, maybe if he didn’t hear me he would go back to sleep. You describe it perfectly.
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April 7th, 2008 at 9:09 am
Hi there. Credit for this idea goes to our friends David and Elisa…they’d place a nice warm hot water bottle (not too hot) in their son’s bassinet and remove it right before laying him back down. He’d almost always drift off into peaceful slumber. We did this with our little guy and he seemed to love it too. Must be sort of womb like. I’d always meant to try the ticking clock too…
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April 7th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
[…] sleep deprivation with a newborn is not my favorite […]
April 7th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Worst part ever of having a newborn. It makes me cringe just thinking about it.
When I recently gave birth to my surronchild people asked me “Was it hard to give the baby up?” and I said “No! I loved being able to sleep at night without worrying about a little one waking me up every half hour!”
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April 7th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Just when I thought I had forgotten the “eh…eh…EHHHH” noises. And the yelling of “FUCK” because I had JUST gotten warm and comfortable and sleepy. Hang in there!
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April 8th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
We just had our 3rd boy 3 weeks ago. He’s actually sleeping really well. Only wakes up 2 times a night.
The bad news is his older brothers now wake up 1-2 times a night…
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April 10th, 2008 at 5:45 am
I totally concur. I was nearly delirious with sleep-deprivation, after nursing my second born on average 6 times a night for 5 months. She was a hellish sleeper, wanted to be held all the time, wanted motion as well, which is goddam difficult to maintain at 3:00am. We have two kids right now. The third is a definite possibility, but good Lord, I am totally frightened of the nighttime torture.