What’s under HER skirt?
We gave our two weeks’ notice at CJ’s pre-school last Friday.
At least one of our kids has been attending this pre-school since we arrived in Colorado nearly three years ago. It came highly recommended by Stacey, whose own son had attended since he was six weeks old. I filled in when they were short-staffed and got to know the teachers, the kids, and the routines of each room.
It’s an NAEYC-accredited pre-school, which is a plus, but we chose it because we felt confident that our kids were safe and loved. The time I spent subbing there solidified my confidence. If I, who only occasionally worked with these kids, grew attached to them even when they pushed my buttons, I knew their regular teachers must adore them. Obviously they didn’t teach there for the stellar hourly wages.
But when the director left to pursue better hourly wages, and much of the rest of the staff turned over as well, my confidence began to wane. CJ cried and clung to me at every drop-off, and despite the new director’s reassurance that she was perfectly fine by the time I walked out the door, I hated leaving her like that when it never seemed to get any better.
It did seem to get better when she moved into the three year-old room, right around the time Oliver was born. Kyle reported uneventful drop-offs. She wore underwear to school and used the bathroom there. One of the regular substitute teachers – the one who both CJ and I liked the best – commented that she seemed to be responding to the routine of her new room, as opposed to the chaos of the two year-old room.
Two Fridays ago, she came home with an incident report.
When Kyle arrived to pick her up, she was wearing pants under her dress. The teacher explained that she had repeatedly pulled up her dress, so they told her if she did it again, she would have to wear pants. She did it again; they put her in pants.
That explanation sounded fair. But then I read the report, which stated that CJ had “exposed herself”.
“Exposed herself”? A three year-old girl who doesn’t even yet understand the concept of genitals being private cannot purposely “expose herself”.
I held my objections in check and called the director. Perhaps I was misinterpreting the report and the language that was used.
The director confirmed that CJ had pulled up her dress and showed her underwear “to a boy” several times. “She knew what she was doing was wrong,” the director told me. “When I came in to warn her, she just smiled at me.”
I really didn’t want to overreact, but I wasn’t convinced. Not only does CJ not yet understand that her genitals are private, she often doesn’t understand when we’re trying to correct her behavior. She gets the message that we’re mad, but she doesn’t get why. I honestly doubted that she understood that they wanted her to stop lifting her dress, let alone the reason why she should stop. Frankly, I still have to remind my almost six year-old to keep her knees together when she’s wearing a skirt – and she’s three years older than CJ and leaps and bounds ahead of her verbally.
I mulled the situation for a week, wondering why CJ would purposely pull up her dress. Then it hit me: She’s proud of the fact that she’s wearing underwear and using the toilet. She gets loads of positive feedback from us on this point; it’s no wonder that she wants to show it off.
Last Monday morning, I dropped her off. The other kids were cleaning up, and the teacher – an older woman whom I’d never met before – studiously ignored us as I brought CJ into the room and hung up her jacket. Only when I chirped, “CJ’s here!” did she look up at us and grunt.
I can’t say for sure how CJ appreciated that kind of welcome, but I certainly didn’t.
I picked her up that afternoon, and the same teacher was there, along with a younger girl. I brought up the so-called “incident” and told them that I didn’t like the language used in the report, that it was unfair to describe her actions as “exposing herself”.
The older woman ignored us, but the younger girl protested that she hadn’t written up the report.
“That’s fine,” I told her. “But my point is that CJ didn’t actually understand. She’s only three, and she’s speech-delayed. I don’t want her to be made to feel bad for something she doesn’t even understand.”
And I collected CJ and left.
There have been other occurrences and changes that led to our decision to leave the school – some that relate to the school, some that don’t. But for me, it was this situation that solidified my growing lack of confidence.
This fall, we’ll find another school. By then, she’ll be fully potty-trained and her speech and language skills will be on track. And she’ll know better than to pull up her dress.
March 31st, 2008 at 5:58 am
“She’s proud of the fact that she’s wearing underwear and using the toilet. ”
That’s it.
Gosh, I’d love to live it a world where I can tell my kids something once and it would stick. I wouldn’t have to tell my eight year old to brush her hair, my five year old you can’t wear pants in winter, and my three year old to bring me her plate when she’s finished.
And “Exposing herself”? Way out of line.
Gretchen’s last blog post..What’s one more?
March 31st, 2008 at 5:59 am
Oh good lord. I can’t believe a newly toilet trained three year old was punished for showing off her underwear. That’s horrid.
I hope it hasn’t dampened her enthusiasm for the potty?
Hannah’s last blog post..wherein I shamelessly write about something guaranteed to annoy
March 31st, 2008 at 6:00 am
You did the right thing. I used to work at my parent’s day care school and this “incident” that they described happens all the time. It is ridiculous that they would even write it up! I also experienced the “non-greeting” teacher when my son was in preschool and I am still kicking myself for not moving him out. If the teacher can’t even make a child feel welcome, then she certainly isn’t doing a good job the rest of the day.
Whether CJ knows not to lift her dress or not (and, seriously, the Kindergarteners have to be reminded not to do this) she should feel that her teacher cares about her and is excited to have her in the class.
March 31st, 2008 at 6:13 am
I am so sorry that you had to leave the school you once liked-its all about the people. I totally agree with your assessment that she was showing off her big girl panties, she is three and that is a big, proud moment.
Good luck finding her somewhere new and fabulous to go in the fall.
MamaMaven’s last blog post..Invigorating?
March 31st, 2008 at 6:45 am
When we had to break up with Ben’s daycare, I cried and agonized over it. Like you, the school was going through a big turnover around that same time, so it wasn’t as traumatic as it could have been to say goodbye. We didn’t really love the new teachers.
I’m glad you had the guts to point out to them about the absurdity of the incident report. With the wording of that report, I’m surprised the director didn’t also call Social Services.
Cheryl’s last blog post..40 Pounds of Freedom
March 31st, 2008 at 6:48 am
Good lord.
People make me mad sometimes.
On a happier note, CONGRATULATIONS, CJ!
Wearing big-girl undies is COOL!
daysgoby’s last blog post..i was in blogging royalty
March 31st, 2008 at 7:00 am
You know, we’ve become sooooo reactionary these days.
And the innocence of being a kid is GONE.
Sometimes it’s warranted, but honestly, most of time it’s not.
Deep Fried Yankee’s last blog post..Animal House
March 31st, 2008 at 7:03 am
Piglet has been at the same preschool since 2 yo. That’s half his life. I can’t imagine how hard it is to change. Good luck with a new school.
Shania’s last blog post..The 10th time’s a charm or How I got pregnant
March 31st, 2008 at 7:16 am
That’s disappointing- miscommunications/mistakes can happen but it sounds like they didn’t even try to work with you on this.
binkytown’s last blog post..Wouldn’t you like to know
March 31st, 2008 at 7:32 am
Ooo.. I’m proud of you for holding your tongue. I would have had a lot more to say, but I already have a reputation at our pre-school (The Boy is 15 months) because I don’t give him milk, provide his food, and am still nursing. We are switching this fall too.
Sometimes you just have to move on when the situation is not working.
Maria’s last blog post..Truth about motherhood…
March 31st, 2008 at 7:33 am
**sigh** It’s so sad that things with kids these days are so blown out of proportion. I think I would’ve done the same thing and pulled my daughter out of that daycare…I would’ve reacted the same way too. You’re doing the right thing.
LFm’s last blog post..What made me finish the race?
March 31st, 2008 at 8:19 am
You are completely doing the right thing. It’s completely inexcusable for a teacher to ignore you and your child when you come in in the morning. That is awful.
And the whole “exposing herself”… so crazy ridiculous I don’t even know what to say.
I remember I had a babysitter for a long time that my toddler just didn’t love. She always cried when I left but this sitter was sweet, caring and highly recommended. I thought my daughter just had trouble with separation.
I finally hired a new sitter (who’s personality just jived more with my daughter’s personality) and all of a sudden, no separation problem.
I still feel guilty that I didn’t pay attention to my daughter’s signals sooner.
You are really doing the right thing. When you have a gut feeling that something isn’t right, it often isn’t.
the mama bird diaries’s last blog post..my friends dave + buster
March 31st, 2008 at 8:20 am
Unfortunately, I’ve found that when your kid takes even a minimal amount of extra effort, some people hold it against them.
I’ve been trying to get The Bird into something different for over a year, but there haven’t been any openings. Not wanting to pull her out of her only real social outlet completely, we just reduced her hours. It’s not ideal.
You are absolutely right. When it comes to where and with whom you leave your kids, you always have to follow your gut.
madge’s last blog post..The Madgeboatlets Go Green
March 31st, 2008 at 8:34 am
Well CRAP. Having a good child care set-up means everything to a working mom. I’m so sorry–it sucks to have to start over.
BTW, moms of underwear-showers, unite. My kindergartner did it when she was comparing her High School Musical undies to those of a classmate to see if they matched.
mayberry’s last blog post..Princess much?
March 31st, 2008 at 8:47 am
Sounds like a horrible experience. It’s hard to find a daycare or preschool where you don’t run into some burned out workers; however, their treatment of the whole (non)-incident was clearly out of line.
Best of luck in finding a better centre for your daughter.
Mandy’s last blog post..Sleeping Update
March 31st, 2008 at 9:21 am
Good for you for standing up to them. You’ll be better off in the long run.
A few weeks ago, the director of the preschool/daycare where my kids go … literally left my three year old triplets there with the minister of the church so she could leave and go to her son’s basketball game. (they were the last ones there)
Need I say that I was beyond mad and told her how illegal that was. Now I feel like I’m on eggshells with them and they don’t like me much. Oh well, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
We’re looking for a new daycare.
Good to meet you!
Tanya
The Dairy Wife’s last blog post..The FarmHouse Kids – 6 months old
March 31st, 2008 at 9:23 am
I still have to remind my 8 year old to be careful about how she sits in a dress, for pete’s sake. Exposing herself? Puh-leeze.
I’m so sorry you had to do this, Julie, but it sounds like you made the right decision. Good luck with the search for a new school.
FishyGirl’s last blog post..I’b God a Cod in By Dose
March 31st, 2008 at 9:58 am
When I (briefly) taught daycare, we totally had a boy who droppe dhis pants and announced proudly to the whole room that he was wearing underwear. Our response? “Great, Nicholas! Can you please pull up your pants now that you have shown everyone?” In other words, it’s no shock. They shouldn’t be made ashamed, but get the reinforcement they are looking for. They should be asked to resume proper dress in a non-hysterical manner.
It sounds like a move is in order, alright.
kittenpie’s last blog post..Wordless Weekend: Shhh! It’s Earth Hour!
March 31st, 2008 at 10:20 am
Good for you on making the move. It sounds like the teacher is out of touch there. Of course your daughter would want to show off her underwear. OF COURSE. She SHOULD be proud. What a crank of a teacher for making that into a bad thing.
Heather’s last blog post..More whiny pregnant lady stuff
March 31st, 2008 at 11:11 am
Good for you. Sounds like it is definitely time to move on, but it is never easy.
My four year old is still showing off her underwear and is just starting to grasp the concept of “private”.
beth’s last blog post..I princess
March 31st, 2008 at 12:44 pm
I am really proud of you for sticking up for your daughter. She is lucky to have a parent who understands that she did nothing wrong and will stand up for her. I think it is sad that the preschool teachers created a problem or made it worse when it could easily have been taken care of without drawing more attention to what as going on. What 3 year old child DOESN’T occasionally show off their cool underwear? I am surprised they didn’t have a better way to correct the behaviour because when I was teaching preschool it happened all the time and we gently reminded the children and then went about our day.
tori’s last blog post..Pugles and Rock Stars
March 31st, 2008 at 1:03 pm
I often worry about my child not getting socialized because I stay at home, but stories like yours make me want to consider homeschooling her. Keep fighting the good fight!
March 31st, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Ugg – you handled this far better than I would have – I would have been furious! Exposed herself?! What a ridiculous claim to make about a three-year-old – my blood is boiling just thinking about it…
Don Mills Diva’s last blog post..She wore a hijab
March 31st, 2008 at 3:57 pm
I am disappointed in the educators and the director. For people specializing in early education, they really don’t seem to understand much about little ones.
Good for you for following your instincts. You know your child better than anyone.
Loralee’s last blog post..Sideblog: When something has to give
March 31st, 2008 at 5:51 pm
I would write out a resignation with a sharpie on a pair of CJ’s underwear and hand it them.
Mom101’s last blog post..Your Dog Is Not a Baby. But My Baby May Very Well Be a Dog.
March 31st, 2008 at 6:05 pm
It’s a wonder the report didn’t say she sexually harrassed someone!
Crazy to me that the school reacted this way. My son is also in a potty training state and I can’t even imagine how often he’s shown off his underwear.
Why do people want to sexualize our children at such a young age?! Just sickens me. Kudos to you for addressing it.
Lindsee’s last blog post..A + B = Good Mom?
March 31st, 2008 at 7:31 pm
That is bullshit. Clearly you are doing the right thing. She did nothing wrong.
If it were a real issue they should have called you and asked you to talk to her about showing people her underwear.
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah’s last blog post..Another Contest: What the Hell is Sarah Reading #4
March 31st, 2008 at 8:12 pm
we’re not supposed to pull our dress up in public?
whoops.
Lara’s last blog post..Keepin the Faith
March 31st, 2008 at 8:21 pm
That is just not right. I have never heard of that happening. I can’t believe an adult teacher would make such an accusation of a child in writing. Three-year-old’s are innocent about stuff like this. They should have known that.
IMO the whoever wrote that report is the one with the problem.
Beth’s last blog post..Things I Didn’t Know Before I had Children
March 31st, 2008 at 9:28 pm
That is honestly ridiculous. I remember when E was potty training, he would pull his pants down to show anyone willing to look & listen his underwears. (Yes they were in the plural.) Good for you for having the gumption to do what you knew needed to be done. I think many parents bend to the will of teachers because “they know best.” And kudos too for not just flying off the handle. Your decision sounds well thought out.
March 31st, 2008 at 11:42 pm
I 100% agree that you are making the right choice and changing schools. You’d think that maybe the school could have addressed the issue with a little more tolerance of the actions of 3 year olds. I probably would have gone ballistic. I would like to add that my girls have to wear athletic shorts under their dresses thru grade 5, or a skort. No sense having them made fun of at recess and in PE. Kids are mean. Underwear seems to still be a big deal thru elementary school. By grade 6 they don’t usually have recess or this fascination with hanging upside down on the monkey bars! Be sure to discuss CJ’s speech delay with the new school. My son is delayed and the right school and staff has made all the difference. Not being understood is very frustrating for him, makes him angry, but his teachers take the time to listen to him. Good luck!
April 1st, 2008 at 5:16 am
That is absolutely ridiculous! 3 years old! These are preschool teachers? They don’t get that? Wow.
I have boys, so I don’t have this issue (with skirts!). But believe me, I would have had a talking to for that director, and those teachers. Seriously.
Naomi (Urban Mummy)’s last blog post..Blog Hiatus
April 1st, 2008 at 8:32 am
Wow! I always just thought my DD was being cute when she did that. Now I know. She’s a pervert. Kuddos to you for following your parenting instinct. In my experience, you will never regret the decisions you made by following your gut. I’ve regretted an awful lot that I made by not following my gut though.
Mom24’s last blog post..Why don’t Mom’s get sick days?
April 1st, 2008 at 3:43 pm
It’s really too bad to have that happen at a school you used to love. The staff at a school make such a difference. The same director and teachers plan to be at my kids’ preschool for the rest of the time I’m there and it makes me relieved. Good luck with your school search!
Stimey’s last blog post..Lame.
April 1st, 2008 at 5:29 pm
I wouldn’t even give them two weeks. What a crappy way to treat a child!
April 1st, 2008 at 11:09 pm
I’m with you there, my kids talked about their underwear for eons, and would have showed them more except they were boys and were wearing pants.
We’re looking for a new place too…I had liked this place cuz they really understood that kids are kids. But now he gets in trouble for talking and “purposely distracting” the kids and making them laugh. Once he got a timeout when he was rolling around with a girl, and I was concerned they’d claim that was innapropriate – but it was just that it was sitting in chairs time.
Nicole’s last blog post..I do have an exciting career, I do
April 2nd, 2008 at 4:53 am
We live in such a weird world. God forbid she hug or (gasp) kiss another student. A boy in the next town was expelled for that one (he was 5 or 6). I can recall playing ‘doctor’ at about 9 or 10. I suppose nowadays, I’d be in counseling for that.
Congrats on her big girl pants! And, I think you are making the right move in changing schools.
Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post..Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow, Part III
April 3rd, 2008 at 6:25 am
A bit late to this, but…
WTF? “Exposed herself?” Are they serious?
Without trying to generalize or imply anything, is this a Christian-run school? The tone of the director when responding to your query sounded very much like the teachers at my old school (I went to Catholic school for elementary and secondary).
Good for you for taking your daughter out of there. While in the short term it may make things a little difficult, I think overall it will be for the best.
SciFi Dad’s last blog post..TDS: Two Sides To Every Toddler
April 3rd, 2008 at 10:12 am
Exposing herself? What a bunch of jerks. My daughter is three and a half, and the kids at the daycare (school-type setup) use the bathroom with the door open so the teachers can keep an eye on them (there can be up to 16 kids in the room). Often, a little boy or girl (mine included) will run out of the bathroom with pants around the ankles. No one thinks twice about it, though I do remind my daughter that she needs to pull up her pants when I’m there. She laughs and does it. End of story. It is also not uncommon for those kids who are wearing pullups to be changed by the sink area. The child faces the teacher, but no one is hiding out so as not to “expose” something.
We have talked about “private parts.” She knows where hers are. But she hasn’t completely made the connection yet with what it means to keep them private. And I’ll be darned if we are going to shame her into doing it.
Geez. To be a child is to be an innocent. Those teachers are the depraved ones. You definitely made the right choice.
midlife mommy’s last blog post..I’m Raising A Jerk
April 6th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
How ridiculous of the school. But sounds like the staff is pretty disconnected, and likely not paying attention to CJ (or any of the other kids probably. Regardless of why you pulled her out of the school, she’ll probably be better off. We ran into a similar situation with the daycare my son attended when he was about 4 — people leaving, things just looking rundown, lack of attention to the kids, so we switched him to another school.
Susan Getgood’s last blog post..The power trip
April 20th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
[...] we removed CJ from her old pre-school after it became very clear that the environment there was no longer a good fit – and that’s being kind about it. I still ache a bit when I think of how sad she seemed [...]