Motherhood: The Land of Indigenous Assvice
When I became pregnant for the first time, I was woefully unprepared for how other people – friends, relatives, and complete strangers – would take my expanding belly as license to share their unsolicited opinions regarding a wide variety of topics, from changing tables to breastfeeding.
Because every mother-to-be feels like discussing the proper purpose of her breasts.
I thought that once Tacy was born the pressure would ease up, but I was wrong. Now there was an actual physical being whose health and wellness could be evaluated at will by anyone who saw her – or touched her, usually without permission. Even worse, some of the pressure was self-inflicted via the ever-so-helpful books I read – most notably the pompous tome What To Expect When You’re Expecting, which solidified my self-doubt.
But when Tacy began performing ahead of the bullshit What To Expect… milestones, I started to enjoy that stupid book. And I started ignoring anyone who questioned my parenting methods. Obviously I knew what I was doing.
Then I had CJ, and a whole new line of assvising began. Not only did everyone question why she wasn’t wearing socks and ask whether I’d attempted a VBAC, but the subject of sibling rivalry was now up for discussion. From the moment that Tacy came to visit us in the hospital – when the nurse assvised me to send the baby to the nursery so that the big sister wasn’t threatened, only to have Tacy arrive and immediately ask, “Where’s the baby?” – it seemed that everyone was certain that Tacy’s jealousy was a foregone conclusion. Everyone but Kyle and me, and Tacy herself.
But with CJ, What To Expect… came back to bite me. When she stopped performing in accordance with the bullshit milestones, I shoved that stupid book back onto the shelf and forgot about it. Until I called for an Early Intervention assessment – which, for once, was motivated by advice from friends rather than assvice from a book.
Now you’d think that with my third child, people would have run out of assvice. But since he’s a boy, and my other two are girls, the onslaught of assvice was inevitable.
I’m not talking about the outpouring of love and music, which was full of amusing yet helpful (and okay, sometimes disconcerting) anecdotes regarding the differences between boys and girls. I’m not even talking about the vaguely romantic statements that having a boy is “just different”. (For the record, so far the only difference I’ve observed is in the equipment.)
For some reason, it seems that having a child of a different gender than my other children means that people around me assume that I’ve forgotten all about the ups and downs of infancy. Naturally, they feel compelled to remind me, even though past experience – theirs or mine – is not necessarily an indicator of what the future holds.
Just because your babies all slept through the night by eight weeks (and my first two did as well) doesn’t mean that my third one will – or that if he doesn’t, I’m doing something wrong.
The upside to being on the assvice receiving end even now is that I have nearly six years worth of experience myself. That’s not to say that I’ve got all the answers where it comes to my own kids (and certainly not someone else’s), just that now I’ve got the confidence to smile politely at the assvice…and then ignore it.
I only wish I’d had that confidence from the beginning. Then I wouldn’t have wasted $13.95 on that stupid book.
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Tell the truth: There’s a lot about motherhood you wish you’d known before becoming a mom. Write about it anytime between now and Sunday, then send a link to your post to PBN. It’s this week’s Blog Blast, sponsored by Discovery Health and their new series “Deliver Me”.
March 28th, 2008 at 6:57 am
[...] Motherhood: The Land of Indigenous Assvice [...]
March 28th, 2008 at 7:21 am
I have yet to find anyone who loved that “What to Expect” book or all the unsolicited advice out there.
You are right – the advice is definitely easier to take once you have some experience under your belt.
With my first baby, i was so clueless, and all the advice seemed to contradict. I felt hopelessly confused. Now I know there are no right answers.
the mama bird diaries’s last blog post..it takes a village
March 28th, 2008 at 7:51 am
I find that when I don’t want advice (love the term “assvice”) I get it in spades, but when I do ask for some, people revert to the “You have to go with your own instincts, etc” line.
I wonder if Canadians are slightly more laid back though? I tend mostly to get advice from random old women in grocery stores… one woman told me not to touch my dog for 5 years if I insisted on having a dog and kids at the same time.
Mandy’s last blog post..Your Advice
March 28th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
I wonder if there is a number of kids/length of time at which the casual bystander will concede “yeah, she probably knows what she’s doing.”
Doubtful (which is why your ignore-’em attitude is essential).
mayberry’s last blog post..Recorded for posterity
March 28th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Yep…I bought into the assvice, too and use the books to give height to some very pretty, yet problematic, house plants!
Liz’s last blog post..PBN Blog Blast: The Truth About Motherhood – and it is the one you probably won’t want to hear, either.
March 28th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
I hear you on the whole b/g “difference.” From my experience it is mostly equipment, with some extra birth order thrown in.
If someone tells me one more time that something my son is doing makes him “Such a boy!” I will punch him/her. Or the “Oh boys don’t like/don’t wear/don’t…” (Or at least feel like punching.) And he’s not even 2.
Yes, he likes trains and buses. He also nurses his stuffed animals and makes me “tea and muffins” in his “kitchen.” That we bought for his sister and she ignores unless he’s in it puttering. (Then they fight.)
I try to offer assvice only when asked. Lucky for me and my big mouth sometimes people ask. And then I go to town!
Kate’s last blog post..Not quite ready for ‘minimal supervision?
March 29th, 2008 at 11:22 am
I think we should have a book burning party for that damned What to Expect book. I know we all have a copy so it would be one hell of a bonfire.
Chicky Chicky Baby’s last blog post..I would totally change my middle name to narcissism… if I could spell it without needing spell check.
March 29th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Seriously? They still give you advice? That does not give me hope. I’m so done with hearing all the advice–I was really hoping it would end soon and not continue for a second child. Crap.
Thanks for the warning!
caramama’s last blog post..Cara Mama – I Don’t Need No Stinking Nap
March 30th, 2008 at 7:52 am
“assvice” perfect! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
motomama’s last blog post..opt-out!
March 30th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
I too wish I’d had the confidence the first time. Now that I’m newly preggers with number three, though, I’m just looking forward to finally using all the comebacks for “You’re so big!” that I was too polite to use before.
Jerseygirl89’s last blog post..My Little Prodigy
March 31st, 2008 at 5:14 am
Ditto for me!!! Or, the confidence to just turn my head when people started telling me what to do.
Dayton? I just read your bio. I used to live there too… we’ll have to split a Milano’s sub someday.
susiej’s last blog post..When a Child Becomes a King
March 31st, 2008 at 8:19 am
So true. I wish I never heard of milestones.
Sus’s last blog post..Perceptions
April 1st, 2008 at 8:04 pm
I just read this, and I suddenly had a huge weight lifted off my shoulers because I thought that I was the only one that despised the alarmist and smuggish tone of WTEWYE….And as a first time mom, I bought THAT book, on top of What to EAT When You’re Expecting, and then just to make sure I wasn’t Doin’ It Wrong, I also bought What To Expect that First Year AND the Toddler Years.
They’re now all sitting in a plastic tub under my bed. Yall should call me about that bonfire, I’ve got TONS to heave.
Queenie’s last blog post..Dear Asshole:
April 2nd, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Oh, I loathed that book. The section about exercise made me think I’d killed my baby by running more than 20 minutes, and the section about food made me worry that I’d created a brownie-junkie. I’m only glad I didn’t waste my money on it – a coworker gave me his wife’s well-thumbed copy.