The door-slammin’, nut-achin’, ball-bustin’ Bob Barker treatment
Chalk up one more reason why I admire Kyle: he went through with it. He even drove himself to and from the doctor’s office.
Sure, it’s been painful. But he’s got a bottle of Percocet and two bags of frozen peas that he keeps in rotation. Oh, and he’s watched me get sliced open three times, which gives a guy some perspective. Or at least it ought to.
In the months leading up to this procedure, I’ve heard from a surprising number of women whose husbands refuse to get a vasectomy. They don’t want more children, and yet they aren’t willing to take the logical next step. Why not?
I don’t buy the usual protestations about the anticipated pain. First of all, no woman who has given birth – via the door or the window – is going to entertain any whimpering on the part of her husband about the delicate nature of his manly parts.
Conversely, there aren’t many men who are going to cop to being scared of pain. We’re talking about guys who play rugby, hockey, football – sports that are all about causing others pain (and occasionally being on the receiving end themselves). Even men who aren’t athletic don’t burst into tears when they stub their toe. They mutter “Fuck!” and go about their business.
I think that men’s reluctance to submit to sterilization has little to do with pain and everything to do with fear – fear of commitment.
Even after shelling out two months’ salary for an engagement ring, surviving the excruciating detail of the wedding planning, and enduring the never-ending ups and downs of procreation, pregnancy and birth, and child-rearing – among myriad other challenges along the way – men are still skittish about slamming shut a door that they’re genetically hardwired to leave open. The urge to sow their oats is in their DNA.
That’s why their reasoning for refusing a vasectomy is often so irrational. Intellectually, they know that it makes sense – logistically and economically. They know it can’t be that debilitating, or else no other man would do it – just like how women continue to give birth even though we know it’s painful.
And yet, they still balk. They don’t want to slam that door. Even if they’re perfectly content with the existence they’ve chosen and don’t aspire to a do-over, they’re hesitant to take that option off the table. It represents that last vestige of freedom, if only in theory: I could start all over again tomorrow, if I wanted to. They don’t really want to start over, but they don’t want to NOT be able to do so.
Why did my own husband agree to a vasectomy? Was it the hot doctor, or the surprise pregnancy? Or was he ready to slam that door in spite of his XY chromosomes? Did rationality trump genetics?
I asked him. His response:
“I really only held out until now because deep down, I wanted three kids. There wasn’t any other reason not to do it.”
Maybe, like Kyle, these other husbands actually do want more children. Or maybe they’re just following their instincts.
Either way, men ought to take pain out of their lineup of excuses. Because until you’ve pulled your lower lip over your own head, you haven’t felt our pain.
March 10th, 2008 at 5:22 am
I get infuriated with men who think it’s perfectly acceptable to have their wives laid out on a table, anesthetized, tubes stuck down their throat for a pretty invasive surgery when they could do the task in an hour and drive home. Drives me bonkers.
My husband’s getting it done. He has no qualms about it. If he did, I’d wonder why I married him.
Amy’s last blog post..A Bad Idea
March 10th, 2008 at 5:53 am
I think it comes down to those men who are terrified of breaking their little wee wees.
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March 10th, 2008 at 6:21 am
LOVE LOVE LOVE it!
I’ve starred it in my reader and it WILL be printed out when the time comes.
Thank you!!
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March 10th, 2008 at 6:55 am
I think that there are many, many reasons why a person might refuse to alter their body in any fashion – and some of those, I may not agree with or find particularly comprehensible, but that doesn’t make it wrong. With regards to the vasectomy, I always told my husband that ultimately his body was his body.
My husband came to the conclusion on his own that a vasectomy was the best decision for him and for us.
So for my husband and I, it worked out. But then I look around at other people I know…like a family friend, who went in to get a vasectomy and came out with an infection that lasted four years. THERE. Four years with minimal masturbation, no sex, and blood in his urine. His wife was beside herself and it really did a number on their marriage. He isn’t the only man my husband and I know who has had problems similar to that, so if my husband had decided that he didn’t want to get a vasectomy was I supposed to think that it was because he couldn’t commit? Or because he wasn’t ready to put his body at unnecessary risk? His brother got a vasectomy, got divorced, remarried, and wanted to have another child. Alot of painful operations later, still no child. So is it practical, when in this day and age marriages constantly end and lead to remarriages?
Who knows? But the one thing I am confident about is that there can be (although there may not always be) much more to a man’s decision not to get a vasectomy than a simple fear of commitment.
March 10th, 2008 at 7:26 am
Good for him. Hope he’s back in triathlon training soon!
I think you’re right about the genetics… and the fact that pain is NO excuse.
mayberry’s last blog post..Happy birthday Barbie
March 10th, 2008 at 8:43 am
EXACTLY! Yes, I’ve seen my 42 year old, arthritic husband slam himself around on a soccer field like a teenager – forgetting that he’s really not a teenager – and then whince through the pain like a tough guy so that I wouldn’t suggest that maybe he play a less abusive game. Like checkers.
But mention a little slice near his wee-wee and he goes white.
Luckily for him, the last baby was via incision, and I had them tie those tubes real tight.
Hmmmmph.
March 10th, 2008 at 9:15 am
My husband knows it will be his “duty,” but we are waiting until our son is a little older just to be sure neither of us wants another of our own. Adoption is another story.
Oh, and a lesson learned from my uncle who had it done. Go in for the annual testing. 13 years (give or take a year or two…I forget the exact time frame), they had an Ooops baby. A MAJOR oops! LOL!
Maria’s last blog post..Back in Tulsa
March 10th, 2008 at 9:23 am
After our second was born, I had to BEG my husband NOT to get a vasectomy. He is so done having children. I’m 95% sure I don’t want more, but that five percent, it’s still there.
That said, I always assumed that 100% of male reluctance to see a doctor involves the fear of a surprise prostate exam.
March 10th, 2008 at 9:36 am
I posted this responses for Mrs. Flinger when she was talking about this last week,
“Two things helped hubby finalize his decision to get snipped.
1) After four different people have come flying out of my uterus, his putting the birth control responsibility on ME when his getting snipped is so EASY made him seem like a total asshole.
2) And the fact that I told him I wasn’t having sex with him ever again after four kids until he got his junk cut.
Decision made.
A weekend on the couch with a bag of frozen peas on his nuts and he was good as new. Cost $20 co-pay. Woot!”
Additionally, just this weekend we were discussing this prospect at a party with a group of couples. One friend has two kids and she’s done. Her hubby wants one more so he doesn’t want to get it done (much like your situation). Another friend has FIVE kids, and she’s done, but her hubby refuses not because he wants more kids and is using the “I’m Catholic, so I can’t” cop out even though he isn’t Catholic to that degree the rest of the time. Convenient to be Catholic when he doesn’t want to step up, so the rest of us just think the guy is an ass.
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March 10th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Clearly, most men are not like Kyle. I imagine it’s more a wuss out factor “OH GOD WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO TO MY PRESHUS BALLS?” than anything else.
My philosophy is, if you don’t want to get snipped, than you can enjoy the pleasure of your own hand for the rest of this lifetime.
My CONE is very quiet, friendly, and doesn’t complain about what I made for dinner.
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March 10th, 2008 at 9:47 am
Sarah, I might have more sympathy for your viewpoint regarding men’s bodily autonomy if I hadn’t just carried and birthed a child who was conceived in spite of my IUD.
Bodily autonomy is subjective, particularly when it affects someone else too.
March 10th, 2008 at 9:56 am
My hubs wanted the vasectomy after #2, but I wasn’t sure I was done. After this one (#3) we will be done, and he will be getting his vasectomy.
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March 10th, 2008 at 10:26 am
My husband has been totally OK with getting a vasectomy. After Mira was born, he even asked me if he should call and get it scheduled. We talked it over, and we’re waiting a year or two before committing to it.
We’re both about 80% sure we’re done, but want to really make sure. Once we agree we’re done, he’ll be scheduling the vasectomy without complaint.
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March 10th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Yay, Kyle! My husband went in when our son was 3 months old…and he was our only child. I actually had to sign a form saying I knew what DH was doing and that I was OK with it. On the flip side, I have a friend whose husband won’t go in for the snip and they’ve already had a “surprise” baby…I don’t get it at all.
March 10th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Congrats!
You are funny.
And I’m a bit relieved there are no more mice on your header. Like the new header.
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March 10th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Congrats to Kyle for following through so quickly. My DH thought he was done after his first two boys, then he and his ex divorced and I convinced him to have 1 more–we have 2. He was ready to have the “v” before the second one was born. I agree that knowing they are done is one reason and the all mighty weiner being harmed is the other!
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March 10th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
I’m not totally sure why my husband is against it – the pain, not wanting to lose “manliness”, whatever. And it really upset me until earlier this year we had a friend who did it and got an infection and now I’d never LET him do it. I know that what happened to our friend is not the NORM, but I’m scared to death now. So we’ll just continue our use of two birth control methods and hope that God’s plan is the same as ours.
Also, FYI, we had other friends who had the work done and then had another kid anyway! Maybe there is some doctor in our area that people should avoid, huh? Babies, infections. Doesn’t sound good to me.
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March 10th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Break their noses, smash their teeth. Crack their kneecaps! But do not mess with a man’s twig and berries.
Those are usually the same men who rationalize not neutering their male dogs. True story.
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March 10th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Good for you, Kyle! I hope you have the speediest of recoveries.
I always assumed this attitude had a lot to do with men being afraid that it would some how make them less of a “man” in whatever way you want to define that. Having any sort of surgery “down there” would mean that their manliness was altered. Men seem to put so much stock into their boys and how well they swim, I think it freaks them out to know that they aren’t swimming at all.
My hubby and I aren’t there yet, as we plan to have at least one more, but he’s usually pretty good about stepping up to the plate. Considering I went through both labor and a C-section with our first (a year ago today!!!), I don’t have much sympathy for the pain/don’t want surgery/other excuses. There is risk in any surgery, including C-sections, but sometimes we have to take that risk for the betterment of our families.
caramama’s last blog post..Remembering Labor and Delivery
March 10th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
still holding tight to my theory that my husband is, in this case, just a gigantic pussy.
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March 10th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
I didn’t mean to sound like I felt my perspective was the only perspective to have because I completely agree that bodily alteration is a subjective matter when it affects someone else. My husband and I conceived in spite of the birth control pill once, so I can definitely empathize with how you feel about it.
My only intention was to introduce my perspective into the comment discussion. When we talked about a vasectomy, we talked long and hard. In the end, the conclusion I stated before was what we decided worked best for us. We discussed that if he didn’t get snipped and we only used birth control that there was a possibility of it slipping down the road. We discussed whether or not that was a risk we were willing to take. And in the end, my husband decided that he felt a vasectomy was the best decision for him and for our family.
The only reason I made the comment at all was to point out that my husband’s reluctance to get a vasectomy didn’t stem from a fear of commitment. He was scared of having the type of infection our friend had, although the chances were very remote. Based on that, I figure that there are many many reasons for men to hesitate on the topic of a vasectomy, not all of which I sympathize with or agree with, but all of which I do consider equally valid perspectives. I very much did not mean for my comment to be anything other than a casual addition to the comment discussion, everyone here has different backgrounds and thoughts and that was mine. I’m sorry if it sounded like anything different because I honestly didn’t mean it to.
March 10th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Thanks Sarah. In retrospect, I wish we’d had the same sort of discussion that you did about the possibility of a birth control failure. Fortunately, when it happened there was no question as to what we’d do, but it also answered the question of whether or not I’d get my tubes tied/he’d get snipped.
I think your husband put a great deal more thought into the decision than many men do, particularly those who dismiss a vasectomy out of hand, putting the birth control responsibility back on their wives. I wish more men would approach it as he did.
March 10th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Funny, my husband has always said from day one, he’d be the one to get a vasectomy as soon as we were done having kids. He thinks it’s no big deal. I’m so glad I didn’t have to do any “talking him into it”. My friends have not been so lucky with their husbands willingness to “go under the knife”.
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March 11th, 2008 at 5:02 am
Haven’t had this discussion with hubby yet. He wants a passel o’ kids so I suspect I’ll have a hard time convincing him.
But just wanted to say “no woman who has given birth – via the door or the window” – hilarious. Best turn of phrase I’ve read in ages.
Hannah’s last blog post..perhaps an anatomy lesson is in order
March 11th, 2008 at 6:31 am
I don’t think it is just the men who worry about not being able to have more if they want to. Before our 4th surprise baby, we talked about my husband doing it (he was fine with doing it, by the way), and I was the one who felt very strongly that if something were to happen to me, I would want him to have options. Talk about foreshadowing…after the 4th baby, I found out about the cancer. I’m fine now, and with my hysterectomy, we don’t have to worry about it so he doesn’t have to worry about it at all, but I do still feel strongly that my husband is so young and if anything happened to me I would want him to have options if he wanted to have more babies with someone else. Typing that out sounds weird to me, but in my head it makes perfect sense.
tori’s last blog post..I Love…
March 11th, 2008 at 7:10 am
Congrats to Kyle! Enjoy the frozen peas, dude.
Joey has always been up front about his willingness to do it. His reason – it’s easier for him to get it done than for me to get my tubes tied. We haven’t done it yet though…I got a Mirena a few months ago because although he says he’s “done”, I’m not so sure and I don’t really want to close the door on it yet.
And yeah, I know. A Mirena? Yeah.
Builder Mama’s last blog post..If she could help me figure out how to get rid of the crud in my house, she’d be a superstar in my book
March 11th, 2008 at 11:40 am
Kyle rocks.
But not nearly as much as you do.
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March 11th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Julie, Hopefully this and the triple knots work for ya’ll.
On NYE, we were wondering (aloud) if we’d get a group discount for sending the five men in together!
March 11th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Rock on Kyle!
I think maybe because we haven’t gone through the shelling out two months’ salary for an engagement ring, surviving the excruciating detail of the wedding planning, and enduring the never-ending ups and downs of procreation…that Nate doesn’t know what pain is.
It’s time for us too.
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March 11th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Does Nate realize how easy he’s had it?
March 20th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
I know my hubby is holding out for a 5th whether he’ll admit it or not. And I know he wants that 5th to be a girl, the stinker!
He refused the vasectomy again and I said, well I have to go for my “yearly” this month and if you’re not going to do it then I’m making an appointment to get my tubes done instead of getting my BC prescription renewed.
He sat mouth agape trying to come up with an excuse for me not to…. and all he could muster was “don’t do that!”
Men! Stubborn buttheads.
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