Exaggerated exasperation
My friend Kate emailed me yesterday to ask about having a third child. She was already uncertain about the prospect, and I suppose Monday’s post didn’t exactly reassure her. Likewise, based on some of the comments, I set a few other moms on edge too.
I may have exaggerated a teeny tiny bit. You know, just for effect.
The crying isn’t as omnipresent as I made it out to be. Yes, Oliver cries, but really not that much – about as much as CJ did as a baby, and nowhere near as much as Tacy did. I got off easy in that regard. What gets to me is hearing the girls cry, particularly when they’re crying because they’re upset with each other or with Kyle or me.
The wakefulness is bothersome, I’ll admit. It’s not easy to get up every three hours, tend to a baby for 30-45 minutes, and then fall asleep again. I do my share of tossing and turning. But again, the hard part is dealing with the girls’ wakefulness. Usually it’s CJ who wanders into our room in the middle of the night, but the other night, I found Tacy standing stock still in the corner of our bathroom at 3am after I’d put Oliver back to sleep. Scared the living daylights out of me.
I didn’t exaggerate Tacy’s loquaciousness. It’s difficult to take the chatter when I’m trying to concentrate on several tasks at once, but she’s a bright and happy little girl, and she means well.
I do hate the TV sometimes. And I always hate clutter. But that’s nothing new.
I’ll admit that nursing can be a grind. But the benefits – even just in terms of convenience and avoided expenses – are worth it.
And I know it gets better. It was actually easier for me to go from having one to two than it was to go from having none to one. Knowing what’s ahead, even in abstract terms, makes it so much more bearable.
But I really couldn’t do it without Kyle. His active role in child care is what makes having three children feasible for me. If I had to do it all – or even most of it – on my own, you’d probably see me on the 11 o’clock news (and it wouldn’t be pretty).
We’ve all got our dealbreakers where it comes to expanding our families (or deciding to start one in the first place). For some, it’s finances. For others, it’s health. For me, it’s the non-negotiable need for a full partner in child care.
I didn’t think I could handle a third child, even with Kyle’s unflagging support. But he’s here nonetheless, and I’m handling it. I’m even enjoying it much of the time, despite the intermittent bouts of anxiety.
So I can’t very well advise Kate or anyone else. I thought I couldn’t do it, and yet here I am. If I don’t know my own capabilities, I’m in no position to help anyone else determine theirs.
But now that I have Oliver, if I were to advise my pre-pregnant self about the prospect of having a third child, I’d tell her to go for it. Because she can handle it.
March 5th, 2008 at 5:46 am
And it does get easier. You may not notice the change right away, but suddenly one day you’ll wake up and you’ll just know.
And for those who ask “how do you do it?”, you just tell them “you just do it”. There’s no right or wrong way. You do what you need to do to survive the day to day life. In the long run, it all works out.
I was in denial even as I was in labor for my third. I kept saying to my Husband “I can’t do this, I can’t do this” (at the time, we had a 15 month old and a 33 month old).
margaret’s last blog post..Put a smile on her face
March 5th, 2008 at 5:48 am
While I would consider Monday’s post a good form of birth control, this post makes me wonder if I could juggle more than one. I’m also completely hypnotized by Oliver… urge to cuddle babies coming in strong.
motherbumper’s last blog post..a heck of a lot better than being pantsed
March 5th, 2008 at 6:31 am
We should consider cloning Kyle.
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March 5th, 2008 at 6:31 am
I know you can handle it – and with grace and humor and the help of the occasional adult beverage. These early first weeks (months?) can be difficult and rewarding and the lack of sleep and disruptions to the house in general is hard. Thinking of you and hope you have a well deserved nap today.
March 5th, 2008 at 6:49 am
I think we probably all exaggerate on our blogs for the sake of effect, don’t we? I mean, we never exaggerate the circumstances – those need no embellishment – but we do lay it on a bit thick in terms of our reactions to it, because we know other mommies out there need the laugh as much as we need to be able to see the funny side of the insanity that is parenting.
And hey, you found enough time in there somewhere to change your banner. So you’re getting, what, 30 minutes of free time in 24 hours? That’s plenty, right?
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March 5th, 2008 at 6:50 am
I have never known you *not* to handle anything you set your mind to-including navigating the dangerous waters of high school.
Good news however. . .perhaps calling a bluff works. When I arrived home last night and announced I wanted a third, HC looked at me like I had 2 heads.
The fact that I have 4 pregnant friends at the moment might have influenced my decision as well as the arrival of 2 new adorable and squishy babies to drool over (Oliver and Sam). So on the fence we remain. . .
March 5th, 2008 at 7:01 am
So does your husband have any trouble settling him down sometimes? I’m a new father of two month old twins, and a good bit of the time they just won’t settle unless I give them to their mother. It’s bad for morale, but right now I’m blaming it on the fact that I don’t have breasts to feed them with.
March 5th, 2008 at 8:58 am
I am SORELY, SORELY tempted. But you knew that.
Mostly, I am so thrilled to hear that you are not only surviving, but enjoying yourself.
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March 5th, 2008 at 9:07 am
Mighty fine man ya got there – I couldn’t manage without Jeff.
Nor could the kids since sometimes when he comes home, I LEAVE.
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March 5th, 2008 at 10:46 am
yeah, i’ll just keep on telling my pg w/ #2 self not to even think about a #3. uh-uh, no way, no how. though i admit i’m lucky in that 100% partner in childcare sense. ben has already proven himself to be there in every sense of the word, and bob isn’t even his biological child. the good ones are very fortunate to come by, indeed.
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March 5th, 2008 at 10:48 am
I have three too. Even with the youngest at 18 months, I have days like your Monday’s post. But. I would like to share a sentiment someone gave me when I first learned about pregnancy #3. She was an older mom, all her kids grown and gone and what she said is branded in my mind.
“When I was pregnant with my third, I didn’t know how I would be able to do it. I didn’t know if there would be enough room for a third. But what we found is she just fit in all the extra spaces and made us complete.”
Pretty nice sentiment for a third.
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March 5th, 2008 at 10:50 am
I imagine it’s pretty much the same as when I had #2 when #1 was just turning 2. You just get through it, and even have some great moments along the way.
I’m expecting #3 to be slightly easier to adjust to since my other 2 are older than my daughter was when my son was born.
I hope anyway.
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March 5th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
I’m sure you’re doing a great job! It must be tough with three, but I imagine it is much easier in many ways than it was going from none to one. It’s nice to hear it though, so thanks for sharing that.
And let’s hear it for involved partners who share in all the work involved!!! Woo hoo for Kyle and others!!
caramama’s last blog post..Will I Ever Be Normal Again?
March 5th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
mrs. c led me to you and monday’s post. so glad to hear i am not alone. and couldn’t agree more on the husband front – thank goodness i have one too!
amanda’s last blog post..so this is what nine hours of sleep looks like….welcome back
March 5th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Yes, it does get easier.
And as soon as a mom gets to the point of allowing her 19 month old to walk around the house eating from an open can of Pringles, it gets really easy.
Not saying that that happened here today. Not saying that at all.
BTW, love the new header!
March 6th, 2008 at 8:33 am
I like to exaggerate too… especially my husband’s reactions to things on my blog. But we are contemplating a third child (after downsizing from 4). My second boy is only 5 months and still up multiple times a night, just like my first. I tell my husband (or family) that I will contemplate a third when I get a full night’s sleep…
And can I say I admire you for getting ANY blogging done with two children and an infant!
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March 7th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Of course you can handle it – especially with a man like that by your side.
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March 7th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
If I survive #2? I don’t think that I will go the distance to get me a #3. That said, you never know. So these words of yours are comforting.
(also? your kyle sounds awesome. nothing like a good kyle, no?)
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March 16th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
ok, i licked the baby a little over the monitor. lovely.