The F word
A friend of mine – some of you know her – nursed her twins for an entire year, and neither one of them ever had a drop of formula. Even more amazing to me is the fact that she worked outside the home – she pumped the majority of that milk.
A laudable accomplishment? Absolutely. But a standard against which all new mothers should measure themselves? Hardly.
When Tacy was born, she had no problems latching on. In fact, I fed her ’round the clock in the hospital, no matter how much it pained me (and oh, did it pain me). But her jaundice was worsening, and as a last step before putting her under the lights, I tried the supplemental nursing system.
It worked. While she went home still a bit orange, she was fine.
Eight weeks later, I went back to work with my Medela Pump-in-Style slung over my shoulder. I pumped three times a day at my desk, made three trips a day to the women’s restroom to wash the funnels, and toted little bottles of milk home each night. On a good day, I pumped 12 ounces. On a not-so-good day, I pumped 9 ounces.
I had to start supplementing with formula almost immediately.
Tacy self-weaned when she was five months old. There wasn’t a gradual decrease in the number of feedings per day for several weeks, like many of my friends had described. Her interest fell off rapidly, over the course of a week. And while nursing had been a money-saver and a convenience for me, pumping had been a chore.
Still, I felt as if I’d failed somehow – almost from the very beginning, when I introduced formula in the hospital. If other mothers could nurse for a whole year and avoid formula completely, why couldn’t I?
When CJ was born, she also had no problems latching on. She also wasn’t as jaundiced as Tacy, so she had no formula until – yet again – I went back to work.
I pumped and washed and toted, just as I had before. And although my supply was more plentiful, it was only marginally better. I bought an Avent hand pump to take with me when I went house-hunting in Denver. I pumped in airport and airplane lavatories, and stored bags of milk in my friend Stacey’s basement freezer.
And still, I had to start supplementing with formula – even though once we moved, I was at home with CJ full time.
And again, CJ self-weaned – relatively quickly – at about five months.
So when Oliver, despite ’round-the-clock feedings in the hospital, was still hungry (and a tad orange too), a nurse asked me, “May I give him a bottle?”
I agreed readily, commenting, “I’m over feeling guilty about supplementing.”
Obviously I’m a staunch supporter of nursing – not just for the baby’s sake, but for the mother’s as well. Nursing is convenient, inexpensive (especially if you don’t buy a pump), and healthy for both mother and baby.
Some mothers will never need to supplement. I envy them.
Some mothers will go to great lengths to avoid doing so. I admire them.
But sometimes it just doesn’t go as you’ve planned, no matter how you try, and there’s no sense in self-flagellation. Choosing to supplement when it’s in the best interest of you and your baby – that’s no reason to feel guilty. I’m glad I’ve finally learned that.
And because I love irony, I’m predicting Oliver will want to nurse until he’s able to unbutton my shirt himself.
February 11th, 2008 at 7:04 am
We had to supplement right away with my daughter because she was a preemie. And we kept it up with one bottle a night so I could sleep. Sure, some people may shoot dirty looks my way when I talk about it, and some people blame their children’s allergies on introducing formula too soon, but frankly, I need my sleep, and in my case, pumping causes mastitis so severe, I had to see a surgeon.
I’m glad you aren’t taking any crap about supplementing. I think it’s lovely that you are able to breastfeed at all. Little Oliver is still getting the benefits of all the booby nutrients and antibodies.
Cheryl’s last blog post..Can’t. Seem. To. Get. It. Done.
February 11th, 2008 at 7:27 am
Twins? One Year? No Formula? Pumping?
Yikes. That’s some tough shit right there.
She should be on Survivor.
Deep Fried Yankee’s last blog post..I Tend to Like a 5 o’ clock Shadow. Just Not When it’s On Me.
February 11th, 2008 at 7:43 am
Yes – I agree 100% it sometimes doesn’t go as planned and that’s okay. My SIL (with a two week old right now) has no milk to speak of, she can’t nurse, pump or make anything much to her disappointment. Oh well, the first choice is out so on to the next.
Oliver sounds like a great little guy and I’m glad he’s a good latcher. It took us over a week but when it came in – boy oh boy, we were a feeding machine.
motherbumper’s last blog post..I’m glad to be bad
February 11th, 2008 at 8:00 am
I had preemies, too, and despite the industrial strength pump we rented from the medical supply company, I just never developed a decent supply either time. So I pumped and supplemented, and one has food allergies and one doesn’t, and you know – they are both amazing.
I’m done having babies, and sometimes I wish I’d had the full nursing experience, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that being a good mom isn’t just about what you feed a baby for the first year or two.
Velma’s last blog post..Where Has The Romance Gone?
February 11th, 2008 at 8:19 am
Flashback: both of us standing at the bus stop with Pump-in-Styles slung over our shoulders. Good times …
mayberry’s last blog post..Super-easy soup
February 11th, 2008 at 8:20 am
I had to supplement all along the way, though I pumped for a year. She started out as a terrible nurser and I had lousy supply.
And she turned out to be what you’re projecting for Oliver…she nursed until the night before she turned three and I buttoned up for good.
magpie’s last blog post..Claudia, Maria and Milo
February 11th, 2008 at 9:24 am
I had to supplement by day 4 with my son, he was hungry and my milk supply was low due to a breast reduction I had years before to help straiten my spine and shoulders. I breastfed and supplemented for 9 months when he weaned himself down from boob 6 times a day to 2 and then none. I think the literature that says babies don’t self ween before one year is crap.
I beat myself up over adding formula to his diet – but whatever I got over it and he is so darn healthy. I also had to take medications (available in Canada) that increased my milk supply – and caused a 50 pound weight gain.
Bring on the formula, it is here for a reason!
SleepyNita’s last blog post..What if it smells like Tuna?
February 11th, 2008 at 9:26 am
I remember feeling like such a failure in the middle of the night when the nurses came in and demanded that I give Abby formula because her weight was down 10%. Every day was a struggle. The second time when I wasn’t nearly as worried about the whole thing and was more open to formula I had Ellie, the serious breast baby. She’d hold out all day for me and drink only a dribble from a bottle. And yes, I had to cut her off at 2. Funny how they rule the roost!
Good for you for being so easy going about it!
MamaMaven’s last blog post..Best of Both Worlds
February 11th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Well said. Whatever works best for mom and baby is what should be done. Sometimes it’s breastmilk, sometimes it’s formula, and sometimes it’s a combination of both.
Honestly, I don’t understand why some people get so animated about it.
Amy’s last blog post..Why I can’t tell a joke
February 11th, 2008 at 10:02 am
My firstborn could not latch on. Not even for the lactation consultants. We never did find out why. I pumped for him, but my milk dried up when he was around 5 weeks. I beat myself up for years.
My second (and last) latched on as soon as he was placed on me in recovery (after the emergency c-section). He was always able to drain me in 10 minutes (5 per side). I actually had a night nurse yell at me because he “wasn’t feeding enough”. I looked at him, sound asleep in the bassinet, looked back at her and said, “He seems to be full enough.” This child is, and always has been, in the 95th percentile for his age. Of course, he decided to quit nursing exactly 1 week before his first birthday. Cold turkey. One of the most excruciatingly painful weeks of my life.
I just wish now that I hadn’t beaten myself up so much when my older son was little.
February 11th, 2008 at 10:12 am
“But sometimes it just doesn’t go as you’ve planned, no matter how you try, and there’s no sense in self-flagellation”
Too true – and not just about this – but all of parenting!
Gretchen’s last blog post..I cried. A lot.
February 11th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Don’t feel guilty about it! Why do we always beat ourselves up about so many things? You are a great mom, and I’m going to quote what Velma said, “being a good mom isn’t just about what you feed a baby for the first year or two.”
But it probably takes until the 3rd baby at least to start letting things like those go, doesn’t it?
caramama’s last blog post..Question of the Week – Blog Etiquette
February 11th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
I just told my husband the other day that if this next baby is anything like Chicky I’m giving her formula and I won’t feel guilty about it. I just can’t nurse a baby every hour with a preschooler in the house.
Chicky Chicky Baby’s last blog post..Labor, part 3 – Now with more hoo-ha and a frightening delivery
February 11th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
I totally support women who want to exclusively breastfeed, but for me, it just didn’t work, no many how many lactation consultants worked on the girls. I had to accept pretty early on that breastfeeding is great; but it’s one teeny part of being a mom. I’m actually glad I did. I feel no pressure this time. If it works- cool. If not, no worries.
binkytown’s last blog post..109 Days
February 11th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
I totally support women who want to exclusively breastfeed, but for me, it just didn’t work, no many how many lactation consultants worked on the girls. I had to accept pretty early on that breastfeeding is great; but it’s one teeny part of being a mom. I’m actually glad I did. I feel no pressure this time. If it works- cool. If not, no worries.
February 11th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
wow. i wish i had known you when i had my first. we were all brainwashed by bradley to NOT USE DRUGS OR ANY INTERVENTION during birth at any cost, and that FORMULA IS EVIL EVIL POISON.
i got through the birth (back labor, posterior) without drugs, chose drugs the next time i had a choice!! i didn’t supplement but instead fed AROUND THE CLOCK and still had a tiny child.
BUT I WOULD NOT BE COMPROMISED.
FF to 20 mos later: 2nd baby in NICU and had to pump 5x day for a year. til he died. but not before we supplemented every possible thing we could stick in that bottle.
FF to now: 3rd child. drugged birth. had supplements. toddler now loves chocolate. and why shouldn’t he???
all is good. only took me 6 years to figure it out.
gwendomama’s last blog post..Part 2 of The Barf Bowl
February 11th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Yeah, I ended up supplementing a little when we were in the hospital due to jaundice. Then did the pumping gig for the next 6 months until I finally had just had enough. And ya know, Monkey Man has been sick waaay more than most normal kids and I’d be a liar if I didn’t honestly say that I have wondered if the pumping was worth it all.
If people can bf exclusively and do it long term, I think it’s great. And if they can’t, or choose not to, that’s all good to me too. We’re just lucky to have so many choices.
On a side note, my SIL told me one time that she knew it was time to stop nursing my nephew when he tried to unbutton her shirt standing in the checkout line at Kroger. Yeah, that might be a good sign.
Builder Mama’s last blog post..Lather, rinse, repeat
February 11th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
My first child was deemed a “lazy sucker” and couldn’t latch on properly. After a week of his hunger and crying and not knowing why (did I mention the hospital and their lactation specialists were asses?), I finally put him on formula. I felt horrible. No one had ever mentioned the possibility that I may not be able to nurse my child.
So…thanks for writing this. I hope some new moms read it and know that, regardless of what they choose, it’s OK. For them AND the baby.
chilihead’s last blog post..New Posts at Blogging Basics 101
February 11th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
I think that moms need to do what feels best for them at the time, given their own set of circumstances.
Funnily enough, I’ve found that the most dirty looks about supplementing come from the nurses themselves. When my first was a baby, one of the nurses at the community center mom’s group kept going on about how she could tell with one look whether or not a baby was breastfed or bottle fed. I’m assuming she meant by the weight of the baby… so some moms put her to the test and she failed on all counts.
And with my second, I’ve been supplementing. Otherwise, I’d be up every hour every night, feeding his insatiable appetite.
Mandy’s last blog post..A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned
February 11th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
I was pretty dedicated to breastfeeding, neither one of my kids had anything other than breast milk for the first 6 months and both breastfed for over a year. BUT. I had a HUGE supply, I think I could have fed a small 3rd world country. And I was at home.
That was all great but the down side was – I couldn’t pump worth a damn, neither one of my kids would take formula, and I was pretty well stuck for a long time. Wonderfully stuck I guess, but stuck none-the-less.
BetteJo’s last blog post..Didn’t we just discuss this?
February 11th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
My son still nurses here and there at 22 months. He never had formula. Like the above commenter, I had a ton of milk and before I moved and began staying at home part time, my employer let me bring my baby and his babysitter to work (I worked for an Italian organization).
That said, I know if I had to pump the breastfeeding relationship would not have lasted as long as it had with my son.
The few times I pumped, I found the whole thing really uncomfortable (being stuck in the bathroom etc) and quiet a chore.
Kudos to you and others who pumped for their babies while at work!
February 11th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
With Thalia I literally cried the first time I mixed up that stanky bottle of formula and fed it to her. That’s how programmed we are to think of it as crap.
In the end, it was the pumping that did me in. If I could have willed my boobs empty each morning I’d have gladly kept her on breast milk ’til she hit 30. God bless you for even doing what you do, woman.
Mom101’s last blog post..Are Our Kids Safe From Lead? The Toy Industry Thinks So.
February 11th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
So Oliver is a boob man, huh?
Aimee Greeblemonkey’s last blog post..On a lighter note…
February 12th, 2008 at 12:31 am
You’re preaching it to the choir, lovey.
Here’s my big amen.
http://www.halushki.com/2006/09/lactivists-anonymous.html
February 12th, 2008 at 10:10 am
You’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do. Any naysayers should just SHUT IT. I mean…just because you’ve got legs doesn’t mean you can run a marathon. And just because you intend to nurse to the exclusion of all else doesn’t mean that nature doesn’t have other ideas with regard to how much milk you can make or pump…and whether or not the kid needs something extra. This needs to be a guilt-free zone.
AB’s last blog post..Contact
February 12th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
i’m proud of you, really really proud of you. I’ve watched so many people throw themselves through the I’ve failed my child. It’s okay.
I’m glad you’ve found a way to be okay with it. Don’t envy those other people too much, don’t let it steal your joy, over your beautiful little boy.
Sara’s last blog post..More prayers please:
February 12th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
i feel strongly about breastfeeding-that moms should give it a shot-that said my second son is 5 months old and has been supplemented since 8 weeks, thanks to thrush. i believe everyone has to do what works for them, feed your babies however you need to and be happy!
ali’s last blog post..the books we love!
February 13th, 2008 at 6:30 am
I still feel pangs of guilt for not nursing my first daughter past 2 months- even though NOW my 2nd daughter (17months) will have to be torn from my chest at some point (maybe before preschool!). I understand now that as long as the baby is eating, it doesn’t really matter if it’s breastmilk or formula. Mama has to be happy too
Aradia’s last blog post..Valentines Day Shopping Quiz
February 13th, 2008 at 7:06 am
My first baby and last baby never had a bottle (not even of breastmilk because they just wouldn’t do it). Does that make me better than anyone else? No it does not. In fact, at times I wished that they would take a bottle because it would have been more convienent for me when I needed to go somewhere without them (and obviously if I had to we could have forced them).
My twins were breastfed for about 8 weeks until I was so exhausted that I realized that it really doesn’t matter how they are fed if their mom is so exhausted that she can’t be “present” when she is around. I started formula and it was better for all of us. I don’t think in the long run anyone is going to be interviewing our kids for college and decide whether or not to take them because they were formula fed or breastfed!
tori’s last blog post..I’m All Over the Place
February 13th, 2008 at 8:26 am
I nursed Julia for a year and I was surprised at how easy it was. We just clicked, her and I, and at that time I thought every mother could do it. It was easy! Who needed to supplement? Mothers who needed to supplement weren’t trying hard enough!
Then I had Oliver. He turned everything I had thought about nursing upside-down. For the first four months I breastfed him he screamed constantly and shat water. Just after Christmas I switched to soy formula and by golly, the screaming stopped (the pooping water, however, didn’t…it’s an ongoing issue, unfortunately).
Long story short? Life’s too short to feel guilty. Feed your kid, whichever way you want.
mamatulip’s last blog post..Because I needed to
February 13th, 2008 at 9:10 am
I did both. I feel fine about it.
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah’s last blog post..Answer Me This: The Movie Version
February 13th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
We women can be our own worst enemies. Formula isn’t like giving your baby meth- or even Funions for the love of god. I agree completely that moms have to do what’s best for everyone and it does not always work out the way we think it’s going to and those who say otherwise do need to shut it. We’ve got enough working against us- we need to support each other.
mrs t’s last blog post..Charlie Bit Me!
February 14th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Excellent post.
With my first, I was obsessed with avoiding formula. I work full time, so you can imagine how much time I spent pumping. I was even getting up in the middle of the night to pump extra. Insanity. No wonder I spent that first year in a fog.
With the second baby, I vowed to conquer the breastmilk-only obsession. I still pumped, but if we ran out of breastmilk and had to supplement with formula, well, so be it.
As a result, I was a much more relaxed mama and employee.
Arkie Mama’s last blog post..They called him Baby James
February 18th, 2008 at 7:30 am
And here I was thinking I was “wasting time” on the internet. I wish I had read this last week. You could have spared me a couple of boxes of kleenex and many tears.
I have, however, managed to make breast feeding more expensive than formula – unless of course I am able to keep going – then it may even out. But between pump purchase, then better pump rental, scale rental, herbs, drugs, consultants, books, postpartum doulas, and much more? Every drop I can squeeze out of the girls it truly liquid gold now.
I have wondered so many times over the past couple of weeks why 100% breastfed is the standard I’ve accepted? Why can’t I just accept 75%? Or some other number that correlates with “doing the best I can.”?
canape’s last blog post..Reminders
February 21st, 2008 at 7:15 am
So smart not to drive yourself nuts over the little stuff. I nursed exclusively for six months after a rough start in which Myles had formula for the first few days of his life. Now, we’re back to giving him powdered formula in his food to supplement his caloric intake from breastfeeding and solids. You do what you have to do to make your baby healthy and your life free from as much insanity as possible.
TB’s last blog post..Minutes