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Great expectations

I’m not usually a New Year’s resolution-maker. At the risk of sounding like a 1990’s-era management consultant, my mentality is more of the continuous process improvement variety. There’s no sense in waiting for the calendar to change before making a change in myself.

But this year, thanks to the holidays and the new baby arriving in exactly one month, I’ve actually got a New Year’s resolution in mind.

We all live with priorities and expectations, our own and others’. Sometimes those priorities and expectations are clearly articulated. Sometimes it’s a big guessing game. Either way, we’re not always going to be perfectly synchronized. No one always gets what they want. Even if they ask Santa.

I’ve found that it’s impossible to consistently meet others’ expectations. What I think is logical and reasonable, considerate and thoughtful, is not necessarily viewed the same way by everyone else. I used to act with my own expectations in mind, and was sorely disappointed when my actions were not received as I expected them to be.

Likewise, my expectations for others have often missed the mark. When they didn’t do what I wanted them to do, what I thought they should do, I was disappointed as well.

I’ve gotten better at lowering my expectations of others. It’s much more fun to be pleasantly surprised than to be disappointed. And in all honesty, I prefer self-reliance.

Now I need to work on tempering my reactions to not meeting others’ expectations.

Fortunately, I’m already fairly immune to guilt trips. If I’ve been grossly or purposely neglectful, believe me that I already feel guilty – I don’t need to be reminded of my transgressions. But my definition of “grossly or purposely neglectful” may not necessarily align with the definition held by the person who’s feeling neglected, and frankly, that’s something that’s out of my span of control.

Most of the time, instead of feeling guilty when I’ve been told – directly or indirectly – that I’ve not met someone’s expectations, I get angry. And I wish I wouldn’t. Because there’s no reason for me to feel guilty or angry about acting in accordance with my own top priorities.

Those top priorities are myself, my husband, my children, and my work.

My well-being comes first. If I don’t care for myself, I can’t care for others – specifically, my family. And caring for my family is a corollary to caring for myself. They are the people with whom I spend every day and night, the ones with whom I interact most closely, my greatest source of love and support, and those who rely on me as their greatest source of love and support. We need each other.

My work is also a huge part of my well-being. Lack of purposeful, productive work is what drove me to start this blog. I’m not denigrating the value of raising children, nor do I believe that paid work is my only means of contributing to our family. But I’ve found that it’s essential to my well-being, and I’ve set my priorities accordingly.

I shouldn’t feel as if I have to defend these priorities, to myself or anyone else. I shouldn’t allow others’ expectations – expectations that I may find illogical or unreasonable, inconsiderate or thoughtless – to provoke an emotional reaction in me.

This year, I will not expect others to agree with my priorities, and I will not be surprised or bothered when they voice objections to my priorities. Instead, I will blithely go about my business, caring for myself and my family and my work. And I will be happy and fulfilled by those choices.

Published by mothergoosemouse on January 1st, 2008 tagged Daring you to disagree, Who me?