The 4Cs: Conflict, criticism, compassion, and confidence
For all the conflict that ensues between mothers, particularly in anonymous or semi-anonymous forums, we still share many of the same challenges and concerns. As foreign as another’s viewpoint may be, that other person is a mother just like we are. Our common ground may be the size of a postage stamp, but it exists.
That common ground almost always disappears when the dissenter is male. Sad, but true.
Some mothers don’t feel as if their partners bear much, if any, of the parenting responsibility, which makes them loathe to accept input, whether from their own partner or another male. Some mothers do have partners that share the childcare duties in a more equitable way, but they still don’t feel comfortable sharing their struggles or seeking input from their partners, possibly because they anticipate backlash or negative judgment. It seems that very few mothers truly feel comfortable openly revealing their parenting concerns to their own partners, let alone to other men - fathers or not.
In my post last week at Mile High Mamas, I discussed my frustration with the reactions of people around me when CJ is misbehaving. The overall tone of my post was flippant - babies cry, toddlers throw tantrums, nothing new to see here so move it along, why don’t ya? - but I was also seeking to understand and be understood. It’s a rare parent who blindly disregards the behavior of their child and the impact on the people around them. Not everyone handles disturbances in the same way, but fellow parents ought to recognize - if not agree with - the efforts being made.
The majority of the comments left on my post were from women, but a few were from men. One dad - a rational-sounding guy who would probably make a good poker buddy for Kyle - offered his own experience, which I found reassuring:
“Our kids haven’t had many screaming episodes in public, but when they have, the last thing I ever noticed was whether anyone was looking at me. My focus was on addressing the screaming in a way that could make the next time better (or reduce the possibility of a next time). I’d just relax and let other people do what they feel they need to. Those people don’t matter.”
This is the kind of input from dads that we moms really ought to listen to more often. Fathers are often much calmer in the face of chaos than we are, and they’re far less concerned with what other people are thinking.
On the other hand, I received a series of comments from another dad whom I didn’t even realize was a man until he made a point of saying so. Perhaps I ought to be embarrassed to admit this, but it was the judgmental nature of his comments that made me think he was another mom:
“…allowing a display like that to go on for that long without your intervention is well into public nuisance territory.”
“You should revisit your thoughts on why your daughter has the tendency to go from “zero to sixty” when things don’t go her way, and don’t dismiss heredity as a contributing factor. Her mom has it, too.”
“Could you be any more pompous in your expectation that your individual right to practice a (in my opinion) flawed parenting method in public outweighs the rights of that public to not have to endure the nuisance?”
In retrospect, a woman would have probably been less arrogant (but more emotional) in asserting her superiority as a parent.
Honestly, as disinterested as I was in his tirade in general (although I did poke him with a stick a few times just for the fun of it), I’ve disregarded it completely now that I know he’s a man. Call me unfair and biased - guilty as charged - but such harsh judgment leveled from behind the veil of relative anonymity, while taking such obvious pleasure in having the last word in every exchange (worse than a teenager!), leads me to conclude that his opinion is not worth considering. Had it been presented in a compassionate (or neutral, at the very least) manner, such as with the first dad, I would have been significantly more interested. As it was, my parenting methods were dismissed out of hand as being inferior and impotent, and I was faulted for not taking such blanket criticism seriously.
I’m fortunate to have a partner who not only equally shares parenting responsibility, he sincerely enjoys caring for our children. We respect and value each other’s work, both inside and outside the home. We laugh together at the funny things our girls do, and we work as a team to handle the tough times. And yet, as closely aligned as we are, I’m the one who gives voice to insecurities. Fortunately, I almost always feel comfortable sharing those feelings with Kyle, and I take his input to heart.
Perhaps instead of offering criticism of how we mothers are parenting our children, fathers ought to help us learn to have more confidence in ourselves.
September 24th, 2007 at 7:36 am
So glad he’s not my dad.
Or wait, maybe he is/was.
September 24th, 2007 at 8:22 am
I’d hate to see what that guy thought of my daughter. Some people forget that kids aren’t mini-adults. It’s our job to teach and guide them, but sometimes we can’t do anything when their emotions get the better of reason (as happens so often with toddlers). We have to just stay nearby and wait for the storm to pass.
September 24th, 2007 at 8:55 am
i’m sure he’d side with db that my son’s issues are 100% the result of his crazy, overbearing, bitch of a mother. all i can say is “what a douchebag.” (honestly, i’d have wondered if db didn’t write those comments, but they involve multisyllabic words, so it’s obviously not him.)
September 24th, 2007 at 9:09 am
I think it’s funny when some of the people who leave comments insist on having the last word. It’s reminiscent of the child who never got enough attention from his parents. Something tells me this guy had a lot of tantrums when he was a kid.
September 24th, 2007 at 11:18 am
What if Bossy is the one throwing public fits? What then?
September 24th, 2007 at 11:21 am
Where exactly does that guy live? I’d like to bring my kid over there after she’s skipped her nap and is in need of a snack. Just for fun.
September 24th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
Are you sure that guy is a parent at all??? I mean - even people who portray their kids and their parenting skills as perfect generally feel a tiny bit of empathy for a parent with a screaming child! Wow.
September 24th, 2007 at 2:12 pm
See, I had to weigh in here, because I don’t think it was a man. But if it was, I totally get your reaction. I would have blown him off, too. But he sounds like a woman. A snipey, jealous, bitter woman who needs to get herself laid and stop judging everyone but herself.
Whew! See what happens when I don’t comment for a while?
September 24th, 2007 at 3:51 pm
I spent the weekend with three toddlers as part of a wedding. After six hours of being dressed up, told to “Shhh!” and “Sit still!’ and being posed and prodded and wiped for pictures in the hot sun, they all lost it right before the ceremony. You know why? Because they’re kids. They haven’t developed the attention span or self discipline needed to govern their actions for hours on end. Hell, I’m 27 and I can barely govern my actions for hours on end. I think people who judge other parents for the way kids act in public are either A) Not very well-versed on child development, and B) Insecure about their own parenting and so they attack and belittle whenever they see an opening. I’m not a parent, but I sincerely hope that when I am, I’ll spend every waking hour trying to be a good mom and thus won’t have any time left for critiquing other peoples’ parenting.
September 24th, 2007 at 4:23 pm
Giving an awful lot of credit to “public nuisance”, isn’t he?
When kids are crying in public I’m not so disgusted by it that I have my own parental tantrum. But, Christ on a cracker, I can have disgust when that parent is simply parenting poorly because no doubt this is a child I will come into contact with by the time they get to school.
And then they’ll wonder why I get so upset.
Wait. I’m getting off task here.
Sounding like a pompous, arrogant dad again, aren’t I?
September 24th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
It sounds like that guy either 1) doesn’t have kids or 2) thinks it’s his wife’s duty to do handle everything dealing with the children. I hate men like that. I’d hate to be his wife.
September 24th, 2007 at 9:19 pm
Disclaimer: This is the therapist in me writing…
I find it interesting that “Bad Ati2d” is reading a blog about parenting written predominantly by women (no offense Mitch). Obviously on some level he’s trying to find connections, and perhaps even some answers, in parenting his own children. I’ve no doubt, given the information he provided about his children, that he’s had his fair share of “public expressions” and endured his fair share of staring - and not just for screaming but for other behaviors exhibited by *both* his children. (It’s not easy to be the sibling of a child with a disability.) I also was keenly aware of how he described his daughter, “genetically average - much to her chagrin.” My guess is this is much to his chagrin. (I’m unaware of many 14-year-olds who evaluate their genetic make-up.) There is a lot of loss associated with having a child with a disability. There’s also a lot of anger, and what a perfect venue to unleash it - against a woman you don’t know who’s brave enough to share with strangers the challenges of parenting.
I guess I feel sorry for him…it’s too bad he doesn’t quite “get it” yet. It’s too bad he can’t actually benefit from the advice and experience of the amazing community you have established in the momosphere. It’s too bad he has to refer to his daughter as “genetically average.” It’s too bad he’s so angry that he can’t see the forest for the trees and understand that every parent is just trying to do his/her best.
And as for those screaming episodes - call me when your kids DON’T have them, because that’s when I’m really worried. As we often tell parents in therapy and parenting education classes - if you’re toddler hasn’t had a temper tantrum, your school age child hasn’t “gotten into it” with either a peer or teacher, and your adolescent hasn’t screamed they hate you, you’re probably not setting enough limits.
See what you have to look forward to?
September 25th, 2007 at 12:40 pm
Hmm. I missed the exchange but on the point in this post, I have many thoughts swirling. I think it is quantity of time. I do.
Here, I know…go check out Miguelina’s latest post. I think it’s a great explanation of being the expert on your child and the rest is just noise.
Julie
Using My Words
September 25th, 2007 at 3:36 pm
Mehopes karma comes back and bites that guy in the butt!