What did you do with that money I gave you?
One of the greatest “Gotchas!” Kyle ever pulled on me was back in New York. I was on the computer, wearing headphones, listening to my ill-gotten mp3s, and singing.
K (sounding panicked): Julie, what did you do with that money I gave you?
J (yanking off headphones): What money?!
K (smirking): The money I gave you for singing lessons.
Of course he’s taught Tacy the joke, and she’s been using it – albeit with poor comedic timing (i.e., out of the blue, not when I’ve been singing).
So last night I was putting clean sheets on her bed and marveling at the disaster that her room had become. She and CJ were in the tub, and I poked my head into the bathroom and asked her, “Tacy, what did you do with that money I gave you?”
She grinned like she already knew the punchline and replied innocently, “What money?”
I grinned right back at her because I did know the punchline: “The money I gave you to hire a maid.”
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I was a terrible slob until I moved into my own apartment. I’m actually too embarrassed to describe how much of a slob I was, especially in college. Fortunately, I only had a roommate for one year, and since we had an apartment, I was able to confine my mess to my room. Well, except for my side of the kitchen sink, which was revolting.
I never cared what my friends thought of my housekeeping skills (or lack thereof). And while I didn’t particularly enjoy it when my mother would screech about the condition of my room, I’d listen until she ran out of steam. But it was her teasing – her attempts to make my messy room into a source of humor – that really bothered me.
Every year, she’d give me a birthday card that had a “messy room” punchline. Every stinking year. I’d try to focus on the “Love, Mother and Daddy” part and ignore the fact that even on my birthday, my room was a hot topic.
I knew she was trying to be funny. I knew she wasn’t trying to hurt my feelings. But I also knew that she really hated my messy room, which made the humor seem forced.
And even though it bothered me as a child, I found myself doing the same thing to my own daughter tonight.
To her credit and in my defense, she did laugh. A five year-old doesn’t yet know how to laugh out of sheer politeness; not funny, no laughter. And when I sang to her at bedtime, she went after me again with the “what did you do with that money I gave you” line, and I dutifully played along.
Then she called me Bruce, which really made me laugh.
Maybe she won’t find the teasing so funny when she gets older. I hope I’m able to gauge her reactions and back off accordingly before I hurt her feelings.
But hopefully she’ll realize that in this house, we tease. A lot. We love each other, and we love to laugh with each other. Because some genuinely well-intentioned teasing can be pretty darn effective at taking the sting out of what would normally be perceived as criticism.
And there’s really no question as to whether or not she’ll have a messy room. She’s my daughter; she’ll be a slob. At least for a while.
August 20th, 2007 at 6:48 am
great post. because there’s a lot of mom (and dads) who don’t realize how their words, their teasing, affect their children. it doesn’t mean that we can’t tease and kid around. we just need to be aware of how the kid(s) are taking it. along with humor, they need support and encouragement to move them from point a to point b.
August 20th, 2007 at 7:21 am
I’m a slob, too, but my mom doesn’t tease me about it. She comes right out and says it point blank.
Just this morning, Cordy looked at me and said, “this house is a mess!” Think she’s been listening to her grandma much?
August 20th, 2007 at 8:32 am
ha ha. I fell like such a hypocrit asking my daughter to clean up, because I too am such a slob!
August 20th, 2007 at 11:51 am
Totally stealing the line to use on K as soon as possible!!
August 20th, 2007 at 1:13 pm
yeah-totally using that line on my quick witted husband….
August 20th, 2007 at 3:06 pm
I think it’s great that you use humor. Hopefully our kids will see that hubby and I laugh at ourselves as well as at each other. I’m already looking forward to the dirty looks I’ll get in public when I tease my children.
I’ll pay for their therapy as adults, but as kids, we’re laughing at them and with them!
Good for you!
August 20th, 2007 at 5:43 pm
My husband uses a lot of sarcasm, which I think can be a bit much. I don’t really think the kids understand that he is joking. But, I think there are ways to poke fun at bad habits that aren’t necessarily mean-spirited.
August 20th, 2007 at 7:56 pm
Just being aware of the issue will probably go a very long way to make sure Tacy never feels the way you did. And if she does, you know what to say: “…the money I gave you to hire a therapist?”
August 20th, 2007 at 8:01 pm
This is why I love living in a little town far, far away from anyone I know and love. I can be a slob 99% of the time and nobody who cares ever has to know.
August 21st, 2007 at 8:32 am
my parents moved out of my childhood home weeks after I went off to college. My room was “cleaned” for the move, but apparantly I hadn’t considered my closet. My mom was mad, but she was irate when she found a backpack in my closet, still packed. From fourth grade. With library books in it.
August 21st, 2007 at 10:16 am
Slob? Who – Bossy? Just because she can no longer find the hard surfaces in her house in the avalanche of paperwork and dirty plates?
August 21st, 2007 at 12:42 pm
Hi there,
I live in Colorado too, and I’m a mamablogger. I love reading your posts, they make me laugh.
I have added you to my page, I hope that’s ok.
Thanks!
-Hanna
August 21st, 2007 at 4:25 pm
I like to think of it as “slob chic.”
Which makes me tres chic.
August 21st, 2007 at 6:12 pm
We tease and laugh a lot too, but in my case, it’s a skill I learned later in life. I wish my family growing up had been that way. I think it’s such a valuable lesson to teach kids that life is funny sometimes and that it’s okay to laugh at themselves.
August 21st, 2007 at 7:20 pm
Oh, the messy room debates. I love your family’s creativity with the comebacks. I just yell. Not so good.
August 21st, 2007 at 7:33 pm
yeah. I think we need to start an “In Which I Became My Mother” series.
I was a total slob too, BTW. Marginally better now. Enough to be judgmental too.
August 22nd, 2007 at 3:38 pm
Totally stealing the money joke.
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:41 pm
Families who tease together stay together.
We are the same way!
August 23rd, 2007 at 9:11 pm
Wait, so you’re supposed to outgrow the slob thing? I must have missed that step. Or else I haven’t reached that level of adulthood. Either way, my husband yells at me about my mess more than my mom ever did.
August 30th, 2007 at 6:37 pm
My college room was a pile of crap. Not literally, but I’m sure some bug took a crap in there somewhere. Now, I have ants to crap in the piles of mail and magazines strewn around my house. And the sink – I thought of taking a picture and posting it on my blog, but I’m afraid my mom would see it and show my dad. Then they’d be here to clean it up. Maybe that’s an idea…