Reality bites…but not always
I’m a little embarrassed to admit this, but in junior high I yearned to have a boyfriend.
(What? You too? Well, I’ll be darned.)
But the objects of my affection never returned that affection, and so I continued to pine after unrequited love – building up the idea of a boyfriend as the months and years passed – until one evening at a hockey game in January 1988, those affections were returned. By a really hot older guy who was an avid skateboarder. I thought I’d died and gone to heaven.
Until the first time he stood me up.
He’d forget to call because he was downtown skating and had drunk a six-pack of Coronas and couldn’t drive. But then he’d call in the middle of the night from Canada just to say hi. And he never brought me to his house or introduced me to his parents.
Finally, one day I called him and told him to never bother calling me again. Which makes it sound like I was strong and self-assured.
Which I most certainly was NOT.
Because I continued to hang onto the idea of him long after that. Even though the reality of having a boyfriend was far different from the idea that I had built up in my mind, I was still very attached to the hope of turning that idea into a matching reality. I was setting myself up for disappointment.
Therefore, I much prefer to be unsure about an idea, and then be pleasantly surprised by the reality of it. And that’s how I feel about the baby in my tummy right now.
Kristen sent me an Oops tee shirt – recently featured on Cool Mom Picks. I wore it two days later to my monthly Bunco group as a means of announcing my news. My abstinence from alcohol had puzzled my friends, and I was running out of good excuses why I didn’t want to have even “just one.”
When Kyle saw the shirt, he howled with laughter. And when my friends saw it, their jaws dropped and they shrieked their congratulations as they hugged me. Not one person in the whole conservative group – not even the woman who has been struggling mightily with infertility – gave the slightest indication that they were put off by the shirt’s sentiment.
Because they understood MY sentiment. I wasn’t keen on the idea of a third child. When people asked (as if it were their business anyway), I replied that we were finished. I even wrote about it here. My feelings were well-documented, and I can’t hide that.
We gave away most of our baby-related items to Kyle’s brother. I took apart most of the baby and toddler playclothes so that I use them for quilts for Tacy and CJ.
Furthermore, I was using birth control when I conceived. Relying upon that birth control. Not modifying my behavior in the way I would were we trying to conceive.
Be all of that as it may, we’re now expecting a third child. And while he is more of a “Surprise!” than an “Oops!” – that is, his conception was not due to human error or miscalculation, but simply an instance of hitting the conception lottery jackpot – the idea of him is far, FAR different than what the reality will be.
The idea of a third child may be a frightening proposition, but the reality will be just as wonderful as it has been with his two older, well-planned sisters. I knew that the moment I saw the two lines appear, even through my fear and disbelief.
Will we tell him that he was a surprise? Why wouldn’t we? As I noted above, it’s well-documented, and I can’t hide that. Moreover, I won’t. Being a surprise doesn’t mean that we don’t want him, won’t be thrilled to have him complete our family.
So I’ll wear my Oops tee shirt and giggle with anticipation. Because the reality of this surprise baby boy is going to be wonderful.
Far better than the reality of a teenage boyfriend, that’s for sure.
August 5th, 2007 at 5:12 pm
Aw I love this Julie. I love that you can be both logical and sentimental all at once.
That’s one lucky girl you’ve got inside you, and if she ever forgets it, send her my way.
August 5th, 2007 at 5:15 pm
That shirt is too funny! I was an ‘oops’ baby (born 11 years after my youngest brother…helllooo?!) and it doesn’t bother me at all. It was a surprise, sure, but I think I fit in to their family pretty well.
And I didn’t know you were having a girl until just now.
WOOT!
August 5th, 2007 at 5:59 pm
it’s awesome. many, many congratulations.
August 5th, 2007 at 6:02 pm
I kind of envy you. We have two and have sort of decided not to have any more. If I got pregnant it would be an oops too. I would also be happy because the decision would be made for me. Could I be more passive-agressive? Okay, enough about me and congratulations to you!
August 5th, 2007 at 6:16 pm
YOU GAVE AWAY THE BABY CLOTHES? Crazy woman. Don’t you know that giving away baby things immediately nullifies any form of birth control known to man? Ooops. Too late.
August 5th, 2007 at 6:18 pm
I think the shirt is too f’in funny. I had an oops for my second child, although I guess you’d call that one a surprise too. And recently we’ve been having the third child debate too. Even though we’re now so unbelievably careful it’s almost funny, an oops would still thrill me. Simply because, as Heather says, the decision would be out of my hands.
Congrats to you!
August 5th, 2007 at 6:19 pm
I AM happy for you. Really. And I love that you are viewing this Ooops baby situation so positively. I will still be agonizing over my own inability to make the decision and living vicariously through you.
August 5th, 2007 at 6:34 pm
Aww! I’m happy you’re happy.
August 5th, 2007 at 7:43 pm
What else would you say when you’ve just given birth five months prior and the doctor tells you you’re pregnant again? You say, “oops” and then you get on board with the idea. Quickly. My two oldest are 13 months apart and the third came exactly four years later. If I had it to do all over again…I’d do it all over again. Three is a great number. Congratulations to all of you! And yes…my “surprise” baby knows he was a surprise. He also knows he was wanted. I know it’s possible to feel both emotions and you’re expressing your version of them very well. You have a sense of humor and that is so important.
August 5th, 2007 at 7:54 pm
My little sister was an IUD baby and she’s always been everyone’s favorite.
August 5th, 2007 at 7:54 pm
I wish I had that shirt when my third son, my “oops” was born…12-1/2 months after his brother. We call him our “Bud Light Baby”. It was an out-of-town wedding, open bar…
And even more shockingly, I had done fertility treatments in order to conceive my first two.
Talk about a “holy shit” moment. That was mine. Peeing on the stick and seeing those two lines. At work. At 8am. With a 3 month old at home. Gulp.
Now? I wouldn’t have it any other way. As it will be for you as well.
August 5th, 2007 at 8:26 pm
Congrats! Sometimes the unexpected turns out to be the best of things.
I’ve gone through my life so analytical that sometimes I forget that there are situations like yours…where great things happen to those who don’t really plan for them and they make the best of them by using humor. And you’ll probably raise your daughter that way so when she sees a picture of that shirt she’ll laugh.
But there are other people out there who would wear it distastefully and drink a beer while wearing it. UGH!
Wear it proudly Baby-Maker! I’ll wear my “I got mine in Guatemala” T-shirt and I’ll drink the beer for you. Or is that distasteful? Hmmm, maybe.
P.S. I really like the site.
August 5th, 2007 at 9:46 pm
All three of my kids were oop’s! (We apparently weren’t the greatest planners or um, preventers…)
My son and daughter both know they weren’t planned…(had them before we married) but they understand they were surprises…NOT mistakes.
And I like to call them Oops 1 and Oops 2.
But then, I’m sure their future therapy bills are going to land on my doorstep!
August 5th, 2007 at 10:24 pm
I loved this post. When I saw the shirt, I immediately thought it was funny, but wasn’t sure I would want to wear it. I read your post and the comments at the other site, and realized that if I were to have an “oops”, I am so getting this shirt.
Besides, a shirt that says “oops” is far less offensive that a shirt that say “oh, shit!”…which I’m sure is the first reaction of a lot of women (myself included) to a surprise pregnancy.
I’m in the weird and unexpected position of hoping for an oops. Congratulations on yours.
August 5th, 2007 at 10:46 pm
My first two were birth control babies – I would have loved an “OOPS!” shirt then.
Then again, my first boyfriend was an OOPS moment as well … so maybe even as far back as 6th grade and that chunky M&M kiss.
Eeeeewww – “OOPS!” indeed.
August 5th, 2007 at 10:48 pm
I think I have missed something… I am guessing you are farther along than I thought because you seem really confident that this baby is a girl… Or, did you do one of those new early gender tests?? I am only asking because my first is on the way and I would give almost ANYTHING to find out sooner whether this is a boy or a girl (patience is not a virtue I posess)… Sorry to be so nosey, thank you for sharing your story!!
August 6th, 2007 at 4:39 am
While I haven’t had an oops (both were very planned), I hope that if I should ever have one that I can have the same outlook as you.
And my first boyfriend was nothing like I expected either. Of course, years later I found out he was gay.
August 6th, 2007 at 4:40 am
I can’t believe people would get annoyed over that shirt! I affectionately refer to my last as our “Oh shit!” baby, because frankly that’s what he was. A complete and total shock. Like you, we were done. With a vasectomy in the near future this baby factory was closed. But as you say, the reality is far different. He is now 2 1/2 and the most adored and spoiled member of the family.
August 6th, 2007 at 5:33 am
My surprise baby knows he is a surprise. He seems to understand it more as if he were a gift than any kind of bad connotation to the word surprise. That is probably because I always talk about how lucky I am to have had him when I wasn’t expecting him. I had thought our family was complete, and now that he is here, I can’t imagine why I thought so.
I love the shirt, and I love you for being so honest and telling your thoughts on all of this.
August 6th, 2007 at 5:57 am
Some of the most wonderful things began as Oops! moments.
That is, I think, the beauty of life. We try to control it. We think we control it. But do we? Nope. Not ever.
And that’s Ok.
August 6th, 2007 at 6:11 am
She? Are you projecting or do you know something?
August 6th, 2007 at 6:23 am
I was an oops. Born seven years after my sister. My mom thought I was stomach cancer or something awful like that. She had no idea that she was actually pregnant until she was four months along. But I grew up hearing over and over again that I was a surprise and a blessing and a gift that completed the family in ways they didn’t know they were missing. —My sister in law announced yesterday that she’s pregnant with number three. It’s a hell of an oops as well. Her sons are 13 and 8.
August 6th, 2007 at 6:31 am
2 out of 3 of our girls were “oops” babies. But then, I am not one that thinks everything in life needs be planned. Some people say irresponsible, I say fun.
And you’ll get used to the third. I was terrified to leave the house for the first 6 weeks, but now it’s a science. Congrats.
August 6th, 2007 at 8:19 am
Nicely put…..and don’t worry, she won’t mind being told she was a surprise. My mother always told me when I was growing up that she almost named me Error Mistake. Didn’t bother me any LOL.
Congrats again…. I peed on a stick this morning hoping to see two pink lines…but there was only one
I am still holding out hope that I miscalculated and am testing too early… I won’t admit defeat for yet another month until Aunt Flo rears her ugly head. But I can’t pretent to not be just a TEENSY bit jealous of you….
August 6th, 2007 at 9:19 am
Oops! I love the shirt. She’s gonna be great.
August 6th, 2007 at 11:00 am
my opinion? that some people have WAY too much time on their hands, and they therefore spend it just LOOKING for crap to get their panties in a twist over.
come on, america–whether anyone likes it or not, abortion is legal. meaning–any and all babies here, planned or unplanned, are “wanted.”
at least until after they’re born.
August 6th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
This is such a heartwarming post. I love how you tell us so honestly how you feel.
And I’m wishing for my own oops baby right about now, because we can’t seem to conceive on our own (again!)…
This little girl will be a wonderful addition. I forgot when you’re due?
August 6th, 2007 at 2:17 pm
Ha — well, if we were ALL planned pregnancies, I suppose there’d be fewer awesome bloggers to compete with! (Says An Oops!)
August 6th, 2007 at 4:09 pm
Nice post and great shirt.
August 6th, 2007 at 4:34 pm
I don’t think that I’d choose to wear an Oops shirt, but I think “surprise!” would definitely be a fun one. I do think it’s all in how you present it to the child, so your daughter will obviously know that it’s all meant in fun.
August 6th, 2007 at 7:25 pm
It’s so nice to hear I’m not the only ‘oops’ (or ’surprise!’) baby who’s perfectly happy and well-adjusted. Almost everyone I know is aghast when I tell them I was an accident (failed birth control, yay), but it never once occurred to me to feel insecure about this.
Perhaps it’s because these days women have a choice (even though there are many reasons they may not choose to exercise this option). (Or, should I say, for about 30 years women had this choice?) This may seem a bit direct, but…I know that my mother would have chosen an abortion if she weren’t ready to have a child. She chose to have me, and to raise me, and to love me fiercely.
I’m glad to know I’m one of many well-loved surprises out there. And mothergoosemouse, thank you so much for your musings on the difference between the idea and the reality. That’s a gem. I think it’s useful not only for ‘oops’ mommies, but also for first-time pregant women struggling with resentment (and then guilt) over the loss of their independence, etc.
August 6th, 2007 at 7:49 pm
I love this post of yours.
Can I come to your house and drink some of your water? I need all of the help I can get. heehee.
So very happy for you all. She’s a lucky little girl to have such a wonderful, smart, fun mommy!
(Oh and my son THANKS YOU for that little glow necklack from blogHer. BIG HIT!)
August 7th, 2007 at 5:41 am
SHE???
Is that a guess, or a known fact?
August 7th, 2007 at 7:31 am
My kids are less than eleven months part. Maybe I need to go get me one of them there “oops” shirts!
Congratulations on number three!
August 7th, 2007 at 10:44 am
Well, I commented yesterday about being a little jealous right? Click on my name… take a minute to visit my blog and you can see why I am not so jealous anymore…………….
August 7th, 2007 at 11:08 am
After our second (meticulously planned) daughter, our take on a third was “I dunno, do you want another? I dunno, do YOU?” We left it up to fate, and fate gave us daughter number three. Congrats – having 3 girls is a trip!
August 7th, 2007 at 11:20 am
Oooh! Glad to hear that it is another girl. What a fun household you’ll have!
August 7th, 2007 at 12:42 pm
I really enjoy your blog, although have not posted. I just wanted to say congrats!!! I love your honesty. 3 girls in a row – now THAT is a blessing!
August 7th, 2007 at 8:16 pm
My friend (a third child herself) insists that third children are rarely planned.
August 7th, 2007 at 9:52 pm
beautiful, beautiful post for your little surprise. and to hell with teenaged boyfriends anyway
August 8th, 2007 at 6:32 am
The way we referred to our 3rd was “she wasn’t planned but she’s definitely wanted!” Congrats!
August 9th, 2007 at 5:40 pm
I just love your attitude, Julie. And even if #3 was an oops, I couldn’t be more excited for you.
August 12th, 2007 at 5:50 am
We call our third daughter the surprise girl as well. She was conceived six months after her older sister (and coincidentally, while I was on birth control). SO we ended up with 3 children under 3 years apart all due to this little surprise.
October 1st, 2007 at 3:05 am
[...] mothergoosemouse » Reality bites…but not always [...]
October 19th, 2007 at 7:56 am
What a great post! Our now 7 month old daughter was a surprise! Told we were infertile, undergoing radiation treatments, crazy crazy stuff, ovulated on day 22 and BAM 8 months and 12 hours later there she was and she’s WONDERFUL!
Thanks for sharing!
Love the site!
November 5th, 2007 at 3:11 pm
I finally found a great source for adoption shirts! Thought you might want to see them. http://www.adoptingcouture.com
Fondly,
Pickel
April 20th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
[...] out of my hands entirely. I may have worn my “oops” tee and giggled about it, but you weren’t an “oops” at all. You were the surprise of a lifetime, the most wonderful surprise I’ve ever had. I never [...]