While we’re playing the “What If?” game…
Let’s extend the questions further.
What if one or both of the parents smoke? Would it matter if it was inside or outside the house?
At the risk of covering ground that needs no further coverage, what if one or both of the parents drink? What if they start at 5pm? 4pm?
What if the parents smoke marijuana or do other kinds of drugs? Even if they don’t do it around the kids, the paraphernalia could still be found and the residual smoke smell may be present. We once viewed an apartment in Brooklyn that absolutely reeked of marijuana smoke. The father and toddler son were headed out to visit the mother and newborn baby in the hospital.
What if the family has a pet you consider dangerous – such as a rat, a ferret, a snake, or a tarantula? What if they have a breed of dog that is prone to misbehaving with children? What if they have a pet that has been mistreated and is prone to misbehaving with children?
What if the family includes an older brother or sister who makes you uncomfortable? You can’t put your finger on why, but the unease is there.
What if the parents don’t believe in God? What if the parents are Wiccan? What if the parents speak in tongues?
What if one or both of the parents are on medication – anti-depressants, anti-anxieties, anti-psychotics?
Which of these questions would you ask? And where do you draw the line?
June 13th, 2007 at 11:41 am
And what if the parents do believe in God?
It’s really hard – I’m not sure I’d ask ANY questions, but might keep my child away with some benign white lie excuse, if I felt uncomfortable.
June 13th, 2007 at 11:46 am
And what if these aren’t friends/acquaintances/neighbors you’re talking about, but relatives?
June 13th, 2007 at 11:49 am
You mean…someone else’s family?
You can play what if until the cow comes home. In general—and this is not to say I’d ignore anything—I err on the side of None of My Damn Business.
Most of those things are not, in and of themselves necessarly a problem, and of course it depends upon *who* and *my relation to them.*
When in doubt, try to help out. You learn more by getting to know.
Plus, I’m quite self-deprecating and goodness knows what anyone might make of my family at any given time.
June 13th, 2007 at 12:13 pm
ohmygod. so far, my only concern has been the safety of kids in MY home and now.. now I’m wondering if I can raise hermits with anti-social leanings..
June 13th, 2007 at 12:39 pm
Ha! What if they speak in tongues! Now that is funny.
June 13th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
When we were up northeast we had that happen with serious smokers. I really wasn’t aware of it when I said okay to a sleep over. My daughter came back reeking of it and we literally had to have her strip at the door and jump in the shower right after she got home (both hubby and I are extremely allergic to cigarrette smoke). Her clothes and sleeping bag had to be washed several times and that still didn’t get the smell out of the sleeping bag – we had to toss it.
Anyway, we couldn’t allow her to go over there again and no one would understand why. Apparently, smoking in the northeast where we were is pretty common place and WE, of the non-smoking variety, were considered the rude ones for not wanting to inflict ill health on our daughter or ourselves.
June 13th, 2007 at 2:12 pm
i have so many jokes i want to make here, but i’m terrified i might offend someone. so i’m keeping quiet and just saying that yes, this is a tough issue.
June 13th, 2007 at 5:50 pm
I usually go with my gut. If I feel like it isn’t ok, then they can not go there. We have one neighbor that makes me extremely uncomfortable. My kids play with her kids outside and at our house. That is all. Never inside their house.
June 13th, 2007 at 6:21 pm
Hard. Hard. Hard. I still can’t believe I have four children running around this slice of the planet. All I can say is thank goodness I’m not doing it alone. Allan helps to calm the gajillion what-ifs running around in the space between my ears. They can surely drive a person crazy.
June 13th, 2007 at 8:14 pm
Yes. Lots of hard questions… I go with my gut like Tori. We have only one neighbor that I don’t let my child play at the home. And its basically because I don’t think the parents watch their kids well enough. Plus, I know for a fact that their oldest used to stash drugs in his room and the playroom is across the hall from his room. They aren’t evil, just lazy and clueless. And I don’t think they’d “step up their game” if Seth was there.
June 14th, 2007 at 5:37 am
Too many possible questions. I wouldn’t let WB spend the night in a home where the parents smoked indoors – health issue, plus, I would take that as a sign that they didn’t hold health and safety as a priority. Drinking – meh, not an issue unless they were really hevay drinkers. Dangerous pets? That would make me leery.
June 14th, 2007 at 6:34 am
When I interviewed our daycare lady, I asked about smokers who lived in the house or who would be visiting. I asked if other adults would be visiting during the day who weren’t parents. But for the most part, we just sat back and let our intuition do most of the interviewing. We had a really nice feeling about her, her kids, her husband, her home.
As for organizing playdates for Ben later on? I’m pretty sure we’ll usually only have playdates at our house unless we were good friends with the other parents and approved of the environment. One of his old daycare ladies is anxious to babysit him and have playdates at her house, but I don’t want him over there because of the rough, druggy crowd her husband hangs with. She may be wonderful, but I can’t be guaranteed he won’t be around people who aren’t sober and responsible.
June 14th, 2007 at 7:12 am
What if they live in the projects?
June 14th, 2007 at 7:42 am
I think I’m with Violet — we’re going hermit, too! I’m fairly anti-social already, so surely I should be able to pass some of that on to my kids ….
No, seriously. I think intuition is the way to go. You need to know who your kids are hanging around. Period. I really don’t care about offending someone if my kids’ safety is in question.
June 14th, 2007 at 7:48 am
Gotta go with your gut. Life would be easier if we could hand out questionnaires to the parents of our kids’ friends.
June 14th, 2007 at 3:12 pm
I have never been comfortable with the idea of having other people’s kids in my house, because of my (not dangerous, sweet and loving, well trained) dogs. Even though the likelihood of a problem is slim, it would kill me if someone pulled the dog’s tail hard or something and got bitten. I make ‘em stay in the yard (the kids, not the dogs, lol, since the dogs make less of a mess!) My son only goes to the homes of people we know very well and trust (including one law enforcement person, who we have discussed firearm storage with) and most of the year they are outside in the yard and I’m right there visiting with the parents anyway. I ask about animals, guns and smoking. We avoid smokers, since I have asthma. How comfortable I’d be about pets or guns would depend on how they were handled/stored and whether the parents think small kids and dogs belong together unsupervised (which too many people seem to think is no big deal). My guess is, kids are far more likely to be harmed by improperly stored medication or household chemicals than firearms. The gun owners I know all have gun safes.
June 14th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
I rarely watch Oprah but I did catch an episode years ago about how to protect yourself from attacks. The number one piece of advice was to trust your instincts and gut reaction.
Now you have me thinking about my own what ifs.
June 15th, 2007 at 12:32 pm
I love you when you get all philosophical on us.
June 15th, 2007 at 2:14 pm
what if the family they’re visiting is okay, but on the way there, they get hit by a bus?
when i was growing up, we had a rule–we were not allowed inside someone else’s house unless the respective parents had discussed it first, and only then if my mother “knew” the other parent. we could play outside with anyone, anywhere as long as we could be seen or heard. we were given strict instructions on what to do if the person we were playing with brought out a gun or a dirty magazine or a 40 (leave immediately and come home). but that was back in the day before “play dates.” we didn’t have “play dates.” we saw our friends at school, and when there was no school, we played with neighborhood kids (or each other or alone) outside. i don’t think friend sleepovers were allowed until 4th or 5th grade.
June 15th, 2007 at 10:03 pm
Aaack! THIS is why I’m such a safety freak. There are just so many things out there. I would never ask many of these questions of anyone, but then I have to REALLY know you to let my kids play at your house. As in, years, or at least close to it. Which is why kids are always playing at my house, instead. I suppose I’ll have to deal with this eventually, but for now, it’s easier to make my house the place kids want to be rather than obsessively worry if other parents are total whack jobs. Oh, and it always amazes me at how eager most parents are to let their child come play at my house! I could be a Xanax popping/gun-owning/child-beating/porn viewer and they’d never know it. I am constantly amazed.
June 18th, 2007 at 9:14 am
My husband and I would care about smoking. We’re both allergic and therefore it’s a problem for us. Depending on how allergic my kids turn out, pets might be an issue, but I’ll play it by ear.
The biggest potential issue is that my mother smokes. My mom’s house is also pretty filthy, which makes me very happy that we’re moving veeeeeeeery far away before we have kids (not on purpose, but for the husband’s job) and I can avoid the issue (except 1x a year, at which point I’ll have to figure it out).
Of course, I also don’t have to worry about it yet as kids are theoretical at this point.
June 18th, 2007 at 5:58 pm
Interesting discussion. I remember when I was younger and went to play at some friends’ homes and encountered all sorts of nasty shit. I wonder now what the hell my mom was thinking. My philosophy is that if I don’t know the family (friendly with the mom and been in the house myself), my kids do not go there alone. I understand this will be tougher as my kids get older, but I have no problem at all with finding out about people before I leave my kids with them.