No news is not necessarily good news
Ever undergone a drug test?
I remember taking one while still in ROTC, during my commissioning physical. I was allowed some privacy during that one – that is, a witness was present in the bathroom, but I was allowed to close the stall door. I also remember taking one while on active duty, with far less privacy - crouching over a cup in the last stall of a Pentagon bathroom, while a female NCO stood outside the open stall door, looking in the other direction.
I haven’t had to submit to another one since then, which isn’t too surprising considering that at my former place of employment, we regularly received e-mails reminding us that smoking marijuana was illegal and that if we were found partaking in the office, we would be asked to extinguish it. In other words, just don’t get caught.
I never objected to the drug tests, simply accepted them as a condition of employment – particularly in the military. But would I have been so accepting if my parents had handed me a cup?
On the front page of yesterday’s Denver Post was an article about home drug-test kits. While the “Bush administration backs random school drug testing, arguing schools are better equipped to help with counseling and referrals if a problem is found,” the American Academy of Pediatrics “prefers worried parents have their children tested by qualified doctors or treatment specialists because of the possibility of error or tampering.”
The article quotes Dr. Sharon Levy, a childhood addiction specialist: “Parents are motivated by the best of intentions,” Levy said. “They are told by marketers this is a good thing to do. But drug testing is basically a threat. And while it might have some short-term behavioral changes, I don’t think it’s a good long-term prevention method.”
Some parents agree, including one father who stated: “If you put them under a microscope, you are asking for trouble.” Instead, he talks to his kids: “We have good communication. I think I would know if they were having a problem”
But others take comfort in the knowledge that they can quickly and easily determine whether or not their children have used drugs – within the parameters of detection and the margin of error of these test kits. One mother justifies her testing regimen by comparing it to the use of car seats: “You put your child in a car seat or a seat belt even though the odds are against getting in a car accident. Why would you ever take that chance of letting your child get further involved with drugs?”
For me, using a home drug-test kit is akin to installing a nanny cam. If you are concerned enough to need evidence one way or the other, the trust has already eroded too far. And while you can (and should – if you don’t trust them) fire your nanny, your options for dealing with a teen you don’t trust are not so clear-cut.
I do think it boils down to open communication and clear expectations and consequences. Some parents adopt a “no news is good news” attitude – and are then shocked when their kids get into trouble because they didn’t see the warning signs. And some parents are alternately strict and permissive, and this inconsistency leads to mutual mistrust because neither the parents nor the teen know what to expect from the other.
So like the father quoted in the article, I can’t imagine reaching the point where I’d administer a home drug test to my girls. I don’t kid myself that there won’t be plenty of challenges as they grow up, but I hope that we’re setting the stage now for good communication later. And in the event that they need help that I can’t give them, I hope I’ll realize that and take action (in the form of counseling) before they pop positive on a drug test.
May 14th, 2007 at 11:11 am
I wouldn’t dare to disagree…you’re right, nanny cam and parental drug testing are very similar. Though I’ve known people to install a nanny cam to watch a second nanny after they’d been burned by a first – once bitten, twice shy? So I suppose if kid #1 has a drug problem, kid #2 will be watched (tested) like a hawk.
May 14th, 2007 at 11:29 am
i would hope that as the years pass, i will still be paying enough attention to bob that i won’t NEED a home drug test to know whether or not something’s up. making one’s kids submit to random piss testing makes about as much sense to me as schools who refuse to put condom machines in the restrooms but have on-site daycare for students’ use. but that’s a rant for another day…
May 14th, 2007 at 11:52 am
This is the kind of stuff that I remind myself of when parenting two preschoolers seems hard.
May 14th, 2007 at 1:26 pm
Oh wow. Just the thought of drugs being in the general vicinity of my child when he’s a teen is enough to make me break out in a cold sweat. I have NO idea what I’ll do when he’s older.
What we’ve noticed in our ‘hood is that the two boys who are constantly in trouble and have had (or are still having) drug problems have three things in common — 1.) the dads seem to be emotionally distant and don’t spend time with the boys. 2.)And the moms see things but are in serious denial(often making excuses for their kids’ odd/bad behavior) and 3.) The vibes in the households seem to be “every one for themselves.”
I’m sure that’s not the case with every kid who gets into drugs but the hubby and I have noticed it and have vowed to stay as connected to our son as possible — whether he likes it or not. heehee.
May 14th, 2007 at 1:48 pm
what a great post, julie. i agree that if you feel the need to test your kids, there are deeper issues present. it’s such a scary world out there sometimes, and it’s easy to ignore that until something like this hits the news.
May 14th, 2007 at 6:05 pm
Oh I agree with you. I sincerely hope my situation with my kids never goes so awry that I feel the need to resort to..these measures. From where I sit it seems extreme, detrimental, and well, as you say, proves the trust has already eroded. I’ve learned to not say never, or judge, but, wow, this just seems wrong. Living in fear, I guess, in most cases.
May 15th, 2007 at 4:58 am
Wow, I can just imagine how pissed I’d be if my parents had done a drug test on me. And, why give the schools any more control over kids? (whenever I read that Bush backs something, I get very, very skeptical!)
If some kid is smoking a little pot on weekends but still getting great grades and functioning well, why should he be punished? Not everyone who dabbles in drugs is going to become a major user. (don’t even get me started on the worst ‘drug’ of them all: alcohol).
I agree with you—-if your gut says there is a problem, there probably is.
May 15th, 2007 at 6:31 am
I am so torn about this. I remember watching a classmate being led into the bathroom by a teacher to be searched for drugs. I was horrified.
OTOH, a urine test might have helped me because my mother thought I was doing things that I wasn’t doing.
One thing I’ve done as an adult was push the local HS to hold seminars for parents to help them know what the signs are. Not having had a lot of experience with that sort of thing, I’m not sure I would know what I was looking at.
May 15th, 2007 at 7:39 am
What Mayberry said. The chaos of having two small children will most likely be small potatoes.
The chaos of trying to raise teenaged daughters on a planet eroding in all sorts of ways…well, that’s another challenge altogether.
I’m not certain I see a place on my linen closet shelf for a DIY drug test.
May 15th, 2007 at 10:39 am
I agree with you as well. I have seen the DIY drug tests and I do not believe they are fool-proof. Why put yourself and your child in a position to be at odds and guilty until proven innocent? It is so backward. We are continuing down the path of losing freedom and this positions the schools to have even more control with fewer and fewer resources. At what point are parents going to yield complete ability to parent their children to a 3rd party?
W is on the schoolboard for his Catholic high school alma mater. This was an issue hotly debated this year. He, naturally, agrees with you.
May 15th, 2007 at 6:43 pm
I’ll be the voice of dissent here..How many things did you do as a teenager that your parents never knew about? Things they didn’t know because you were careful enough to hide them? I’d hope my kids would be smart enough to come to me first before doing something so stupid, but it’s just the nature of teens to push the limits and hide things from their parents.
May 15th, 2007 at 8:22 pm
SO, I’d probably elaborate further on my teenage stupidity if my father weren’t reading…
You’re absolutely right; we want them to come to us, but how many of us did that with our own parents?
Problem is, drugs aren’t necessarily the only problem. And even if the test is clear, does that really mean that the kid’s not up to something else egregious? Or just didn’t get caught that time?
May 16th, 2007 at 10:47 am
I was the Princess of Hiding Things From My Parents when I was in high school. Therefore, though I will always keep the dialogue going between the parents and the kids, my husband and I have agreed to the following guidelines. If at any point we suspect that our child or our child’s friends are involved in drug or alcohol use, we will perform drug testing at any time and breathalizer tests after a get-together or party. This rule will be made clear to our children well before they have the opportunity to do the bad stuff.
I want to foster an atmosphere of honesty. I’ll be telling my kids why they shouldn’t be using, and I’ll be telling them my own personal history with it. I want to stay connected to my children and let them know that I’ve been there, but I’m still the parent, and if they mess up, I’m responsible.
My mother thought we were really “connected” and she trusted me. But I was a great con artist.
As for the other problems that can’t be tested for… I guess we can only keep encouraging our kids to be people of integrity and morality. We can’t definitely know when they’re doing the other stuff, but I do know that using drugs and alcohol opens up a whole new underground world of naughtiness. Underage sex/thievery/mischief usually goes hand in hand with drugs and alcohol either as a precursor or as a result. I know I started drinking in high school because I felt grown up because I had already started having sex.
May 16th, 2007 at 11:55 am
Cheryl, I think your approach is very sound – clear expectations and consequences. Where I object to the use of home kits are situations in which the parents haven’t laid out clear expectations and consequences and use testing as a threat or panacea.
May 18th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
I have to say that I think a drug test is much more invasive, and objectionable, than a nanny cam. Just as you didn’t object to a drug test as a professional, a good nanny shouldn’t mind an online camera. A parent-child relationship has a completely different dynamic, and a trust is broken if an otherwise trustworthy child is subjected to a drug test. Internet cams are standard fare for dog daycare – why wouldn’t people install them for their children? A drug test on the other hand, shows that the parent-child trust is already broken.
May 18th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
PA, I worked at a day care center where there were cameras. I didn’t even notice them – too busy chasing children! What I question is when parents use a hidden camera on suspicion. If you’re already suspicious, you should fire the nanny.
And I agree – no reason for a nanny to object to a camera, as long as he/she knows that it’s there. I see notification as respectful.