Never again is what you swore the time before
Let’s talk about the policy of truth.
Why am I so adamantly opposed to faking it? Even in the cases noted by Mitzi and Tree, which I can understand (but still disagree with them), the idea of “lying” bothers me greatly.
I grew up with a father who internalized the Honor Code of the US Air Force Academy: “We will not lie, steal, or cheat, nor tolerate among us anyone who does.” I didn’t even go to the academy and yet I know that code backwards and forwards.
Have I ever lied? Yes. Have I ever lied where it really mattered? Yes again. Was I wracked with guilt for years? Absolutely.
(And no, that lie didn’t pertain to Kyle or my family, in case you’re wondering.)
Granted, a faked orgasm isn’t going to wrack you with guilt for years. Maybe you’ll cringe when you think about it the next morning, but I doubt you’ll flog yourself mentally for very long.
But if you do it once, you’re likely to do it again. And again. And again. Because that’s how lies work.
When you tell the truth, you don’t have to keep your story straight. You know exactly what you said and did, because it doesn’t differ from reality. Sure, your memory may get spotty over time, but while the details may fade, the general idea remains the same.
Telling the truth is hard. You’re embarrassed about what you did or didn’t do, said or didn’t say. It’s easier to make excuses or make up a story. Really awful people turn it around and make it the other person’s problem: “Well, I may not have done X, but YOU didn’t do Y, and that is SO. MUCH. WORSE!”
Telling the truth involves taking responsibility, and I don’t just mean for your own orgasm.
You don’t have to answer every question asked of you. Sometimes people ask questions that are none of their business (pregnant women know what I’m talking about here). Smile and ask, “Why do you want to know?”
Nor do you have to divulge every detail: ”Yes, we were trying. But after a year of trying, we decided to see a fertility specialist, and my husband had to give me shots in my ass every day for weeks, and finally he had to shoot his wad into a cup so that they could mix it with the eggs that they harvested from me – did you know my blood type is O negative? – and they put five little embryos in me and that’s why I’m pregnant with twins.”
Ugh. How about: “Yes, we’re thrilled to be pregnant with twins.” Be done with it.
It pains me to think about not being honest with my husband. Sure, I’ve lied to him (“Your dry cleaning? Ooooops, I forgot about that!”) and I know he’s pulled a few fast ones on me. But when it comes to the tough stuff, it’s comforting to know that we can tell each other anything – kindly, with compassion and love.
Bad habits – biting your nails, smoking cigarettes, lying – are easy to start. You do it once, you can do it more easily the next time…and the time after that…and so on. Believe me, I know. I’ve had all three of those bad habits, plus many more.
Try not to do it in the first place. Then you never have try to stop.
Technorati Tags: honor code, Air Force Academy, bad habits, lying
April 12th, 2007 at 10:22 am
Ever since you posted it, it has been bothering me, Jules. I am glad you have revisited the topic. I think you are spot on.
April 12th, 2007 at 10:33 am
“Not faking it” is the right way to think about honesty. Too many people give up on the idea of honesty because they think of it as some sort of 4th Law Of Robotics (nerd much? yes i do
): “Thou must always answer any question with the truth.”. Like you posted, there are way too many obvious counterexamples for anyone to want to adhere to that rule. But the purpose behind the principle of honesty is that reality is what it is, no matter how many people you might deceive. It’s not about a casual acquaintance saying “How’s it going?” (meant as a variation on “Hello”) and you giving them a rundown on the last week of your life. It’s about recognizing that if you base anything important in your life on a lie, then all of a sudden your family and friends’ intelligence and curiosity becomes a threat to you. Honesty is tough for, what, like ten minutes? A lie can ruin your life.
April 12th, 2007 at 12:19 pm
I hardly ever lie because it is exactly like you said – then I don’t have to worry about keeping my story straight. I just try not to do things I’d have to lie about.
And now… this song will be stuck in my head all day. I’m glad it’s a good one.
April 12th, 2007 at 2:32 pm
Orgasms = telling the truth.
I like it.
I liiiiiiike it.
April 12th, 2007 at 4:10 pm
Does this include eating all the banana nut bread muffins and blaming it on the children? OOPS!
April 13th, 2007 at 11:05 am
I couldn’t agree more. While we’ve got a far from perfect relationship, it’s an honest one. I can be like…eh, didn’t come. Maybe later. Isn’t that the way things should be? Well, you know what I mean.
April 21st, 2007 at 12:12 pm
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