This mom’s not going to heaven*
Although I’d love to think that there’s some eternal reward out there for putting up with the incessant whining and crying and moaning and flailing that accompany all children (can you tell that yesterday was a tough day, birthday aside?), I think it’s become fairly obvious that I am most decidedly NOT going to heaven – if in fact heaven and hell exist at all.
While it’s reassuring to envision some kangaroo court on high that exacts appropriate punishment for horrific earthly acts and metes out equally appropriate rewards for kindness and rationality, I’m afraid there would eventually be some sort of kangaroo appeals court too…and kangaroo lawyers…and frivolous kangaroo lawsuits…and then heaven would suck just as hard as the US judicial system already does, thereby defeating the purpose of heaven altogether (which is to escape the lawyers, yes?).
And even though it frightens me to contemplate the fact that each day here might be my last, I’m not comforted by the thought of an eternal resting place, no matter how often I would get to play my harp (and would never have to tune it or change another string again, because after all, it’s heaven). Because heaven is not earth, and earth is where I have everything I want.
My pissy inner bizatch – while not entirely immune to the plights of others and certainly able to feel compassion, pain, and sadness on occasion – has always taken issue with the platitude offered to the survivors after the death of a loved one: “He/she is in a better place now.” Huh? If that’s true, then let’s all don our white sneakers and black shrouds and drink some Kool-Aid.
But the vast majority of us don’t do that, because while the idea of a so-called better place is supposed to be comforting, in reality it’s NOT. Any one of us who have lost someone dear to us would much rather have that person back here on earth than die ourselves. And if I’m wrong, I’m willing to listen to your reasoning.
Do I think that mothers are underappreciated? Sadly, yes. Most of the time the breadth and depth of our responsibilities are grossly underestimated.
But do all mothers go to heaven? Is an all-access backstage pass granted to those who’ve raised children? What about those women who go to extreme lengths – physically, emotionally, monetarily – to become mothers, and yet they never succeed? Or those women who choose not to bear children, but who play active roles in the lives of children around them? Are they automatically blackballed from the sisterhood of heavenly mothers?
And what about those of us mothers who don’t subscribe to the idea of heaven, even if we conduct ourselves morally – without the threat of eternal damnation? (Good gravy, is that even possible? Some say not - directly to my face.) Does my lack of faith disqualify me from earthly recognition?
I do love good causes, especially those that help women and children help themselves, and I’m not so cynical that I can’t appreciate the sentiment behind the phrase - that mothers should be feted and benefited. But references to faith as a measure of goodness stick in the craw of my inner skeptic, who sometimes masquerades as a pissy bizatch.
*First one to name the real title of the song, the artist, and the hometown of the female vocalist (and why I care) – I’ll send you a mix CD.
Technorati Tags: All Moms Go To Heaven, Monkey Gone To Heaven, The Pixies, Kim Deal, Dayton, kangaroos, harps, Kool-Aid, heathens, pissy bizatch, eternal damnation
April 10th, 2007 at 7:03 am
I’ll have to comment on the post later, but as I do want that mix CD…
Kim Deal is from your hometown of Dayton, and rocked in The Breeders, but is probably better known for her work in The Pixies. And if Man is Five, then the Devil is Six. And if the Devil is Six, then God is Seven. This Monkey’s Gone To Heaven… (and if you’re nitpicky, yes, the actual title is Monkey Gone To Heaven).
April 10th, 2007 at 7:21 am
Such an overachiever! You win – wooooohooooo!!!! Johnathan, thanks for playing; please send me your address.
April 10th, 2007 at 7:30 am
Wow.
I’m speechless.
I love this post and I am totally impressed with Johnathan! I can’t even get my head around that.
I have been turning questions of faith over and over in my head and I appreciate your candor and your perspective.
The homepage of that website is a leetle creepy, what with that guy on the end there loooovin’ his mama so.
April 10th, 2007 at 8:37 am
I haven’t been to that site yet, but after reading what you and HBM have to say, I won’t be going. Hope today is more heavenly than hellish for you.
April 10th, 2007 at 8:50 am
Who isn’t underappreciated really (apart from a few celebrities)? Still, you gotta love how this organization, in an understandable effort to express the sentiment that we shouldn’t forget to honor mothers and motherhood, is willing to promote a novel theological theory! Actually, they don’t go that far: as the FAQ helpfully explains, if a mother does something _really_ bad, them they aren’t moms, just “women with children”. Thus, we’re left with the standard late 20th-early 21st century Salvation Doctrine: I, everyone I know and like, and basically everyone else like them is worthy of being saved. (Usually expressed in the form: “I can’t believe that God would refuse to let [person X] into heaven just because of [reason Y].”) Shows how frivolously people regard religion these days. Hell, I’m an atheist and I take religion more seriously than this!
April 10th, 2007 at 8:57 am
Where’s my halo!!!!???!!!!!
I think pissy inner bizatch is my new favorite phrase.
April 10th, 2007 at 9:34 am
Yup…I share many of the same thoughts with you. You sum it all up nicely than I would, though.
And — a belated happy birthday to Tacy!
April 10th, 2007 at 9:56 am
Whaaaah! Johnathan beat me! That’ll learn me to not drag my ass.
(Cursing – one more reason why I am not going to heaven.)
April 10th, 2007 at 10:15 am
If the rules of engagement make it that hard to get into heaven (assuming there is one), then think about all the fun people who will be in hell – kind of like a gated community in Phoenix. The way I see it, it’s a win-win.
April 10th, 2007 at 10:16 am
Sorry Catherine, when I’m in full-procrastination mode, I check out my favorite mommyblogs about every 30 minutes. You hardly had a chance
April 10th, 2007 at 10:18 am
This mom’s not going to heaven either; there isn’t one.
April 10th, 2007 at 11:17 am
That website scared me. Besides, heaven’s boring. I think I’ll stick around here where it’s messy but fun.
April 10th, 2007 at 11:26 am
I took a quick look after HBM’s post yesterday, and I have no inclination to return. Nice concept – the recognition part – but not my style of execution. (oh. there’s a bad pun in there somewhere, I suspect…)
Biology does not a better person make.
April 10th, 2007 at 12:04 pm
I was expecting an actual wacky theological model, but that’s just someone using a wacky theological model to *sell things*. Which is totally different, and maybe just a little more squicky.
And I just got done singing while robed in heavenly garb for Easter, so, you know…I’m not a cynic about the whole afterlife thing. I may not have all the answers (or even very many of them), but the concept that all that’s required for the reward of eternal bliss is having an operative uterus and having used it–that’s a new one on me!
April 10th, 2007 at 5:01 pm
Were their shrouds purple? Or their shoes? Something was purple, wasn’t it? I can’t get beyond that reference.
Our children are the only two in the family that aren’t baptized. We’re all heathens but I hope we’re going to heaven.
April 10th, 2007 at 5:23 pm
dammit, i was in court all day, or i’d have beat jonathan’s sorry ass. unfair! i want a rematch!
April 10th, 2007 at 7:46 pm
Amen sister! That website totally freaked me out. All I could think of was – do the mothers who abuse their children go to heaven? Seems odd that just giving birth to someone (which is a club anyone with the right combination of alcohol and recklessness can join) automatically qualifies you for a spot in heaven.
And the whole telling people that their loved ones are in a better place? I have had to quell the urge to punch someone in the teeth for uttering those very words. Hmm. Now I seem to be channeling my pissy inner bizatch…
April 10th, 2007 at 8:04 pm
Interesting post title. I wrote about that today. Going to heaven…literally. From the silence of those who stayed away today, I’m guessing I may have stepped on a few toes.
April 10th, 2007 at 8:16 pm
Just like a lot of the posters, I am in total agreement with you. Happy birthday to your daughter:)
April 11th, 2007 at 7:46 am
Whah? I don’t get a Go Straight to Heaven card? For shame! I guess I need to start being decent and shit.
(completely agree, MG)