Oh that Meryl Streep, she’s such a phony baloney
Jerry: You faked it?
Elaine: I faked it.
Jerry: That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?
Elaine: Not bad huh?
Seinfeld, Season 5, Episode 1 – “The Mango”
Would someone please give me a logical reason to fake an orgasm? Because I honestly don’t get it.
Scenario #1: The Arrogant Jerk
He’s not interested in whether you’re enjoying yourself. As far as he’s concerned, his manliness should be all that’s required to make sparks fly. And if it’s not happening, it must be your fault.
Um…hello? Only reason to fake it here is to get him away from you. And really, if he’s such a jerk, what are you doing in bed with him anyway? Kick his ass out – literally. Use better judgment next time.
Scenario #2: The Clueless Clod
I’m not talking about inexperience per se; I’m talking about the guy who thinks it’s just as easy for a woman as it is for a guy. He’s not arrogant. But nor is he interested in making any adjustments to his…ahem…technique.
Again, unless you want to spend your time compensating for his ignorance – both inside and outside the bedroom – don’t fake it. Say goodbye. Let some other woman teach him the ropes; you’re too busy for that.
Scenario #3: The Eager Beaver
He’ll do anything you want, for as long as you want, but he does none of it right. And as nice as he can be, that’s not really helping matters. It’s hard to get it on with a doormat.
Be kind, but be firm. Use the “It’s not you, it’s me” line from Seinfeld. But for heaven’s sake, don’t you dare fake it or else he’ll think he finally succeeded and you’ll never be rid of him.
Scenario #4: The Motion of the Ocean has become Inertia
You’ve ignored the advice offered in the above three scenarios and you find yourself in a long-term relationship in which you have faked it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Bluntly, you are screwed.
You simply cannot be honest. No guy is going to want to hear that you’ve been faking it all along. They will never EVER be able to get past that little nugget of dishonesty.
So you have two choices: Continue faking it until the day he dies, or break up with him. Better yet, give him a reason to break up with you (that is, a reason other than the fact that you’ve been faking it for the past umpteen months).
All snark aside, I have to wonder about the women who are faking it. Are you that worried about hurting a guy’s feelings? Are you that unconcerned with your own feelings? If he cares for you perfectly well in every other way, why is it that he can’t – or won’t – care for you in this way too?
You deserve better. You deserve to NOT have to fake it.
Technorati Tags: orgasms, fake orgasms, Seinfeld, Meryl Streep
April 5th, 2007 at 7:00 am
Awesome post! Once you start faking, you’ve pretty much chained yourself to bad sex. Too many women unconsciously think they’re not worth the time it takes. Here’s to women being selfish in bed!
April 5th, 2007 at 8:03 am
…insert When Harry Met Sally joke here… rock on, sister.
April 5th, 2007 at 9:07 am
This post is awesome. It reminds me of that Sex and the City episode where Miranda fakes it for the opthamologist she’s seeing and finally reveals her secret. He insists on learning “the ropes” but he just doesn’t do it for Miranda, so she fakes it one last time for his effort and stops taking his calls.
I can’t stop laughing because it’s a topic that is almost too true these days.
I’ve never faked it simply because I don’t know how — and I think my husband would be smart enough to tell the difference if I tried.
April 5th, 2007 at 10:33 am
I do have to say that if you felt you had to fake it with me (figuratively speaking) then I would rather not be in a relationship with you.
fortunately, I have not had to worry about this issue for many many years…:)
April 5th, 2007 at 12:07 pm
Before I would ever fake it, I would take matters into my own hands and show the guy what I needed. Thankfully, I have never been with anyone so selfish that I would even be tempted to fake.
April 5th, 2007 at 12:10 pm
Have I told you lately that I love you?
April 5th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
well…some of us are faking it because after we got married, we started taking hormonal birth control and anti-anxiety meds–both of which wreaked total havoc on our libidos and made it virtually impossible for us to have a real orgasm–that is, unless we wanted to spend upwards of 40 minutes to an hour (solo or not) toward that end, which we do not. and we tried to avoid faking it, but then our husbands–who we love very much–thought our lack of enjoyment had to do with them (and men are stupid and will never truly believe otherwise, no matter how many scientific journals you present them with). and we got rather tired of them going on and on and on trying unsuccessfully to attain that goal that we knew darn well was inattainable. so we started faking it, because there was no sense in NOT faking it.
April 5th, 2007 at 1:07 pm
Mitzi, point taken. I hope it gets better though.
April 5th, 2007 at 2:10 pm
The only argument I can make here is what about faking the first one to get yourself mentally there?? I don’t think this will make sense, but for me, I am not going to get there if I don’t allow myself too… So if hubbie wants some fun and I am not quite in the mood, I might allow him to play and enjoy, fake a little in the beginning, but that usually loosens me up enough to let the real thing take over… Is that wrong? I am young and have only been married about a year, so I offer no advice in this area, simply sharing what I know… Thanks for a great post!
April 5th, 2007 at 3:36 pm
No woman should ever fake her orgasm during sex. If it’s just not happening, look your partner in the eye and say “sweetie, don’t wait for me, you just go on ahead”. He’ll know what you mean.
And how does the rest of that Seinfeld bit go? “What about the panting, the moaning, the (something)?” “Fake, fake, fake”. Cracks me up every time!
April 5th, 2007 at 4:23 pm
I love you. You funny.
April 5th, 2007 at 8:45 pm
love this
I’m afraid I’m in the unfake-able category. I’m not that good an actor and, after 14 years, Mr.Q just wouldn’t buy it. And, after 14 years, why in god’s name would I start??
April 6th, 2007 at 8:02 am
So, faking it when you are tired and just want to go to sleep, but would like your partner to have some relief sexually and he will keep trying until he hears you moan, but you just want to sleep and have it over with, even though you know if you let yourself get into it, you will be satisfied, is not something you would ever consider?
In the instances you described, I agree with you. But I think there are a myriad of circumstances in which it would be excusable.
April 6th, 2007 at 8:24 am
T, point taken as well. It depends on personal relationship dynamics. Me, I’d feel guilty that I “lied”.
April 6th, 2007 at 11:46 am
Also, good point, Julie. I had not thought about in that context.
April 6th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
I had a lot of trouble reaching orgasm when I was younger, to the extent that I didn’t really understand that I WASN’T getting there. I enjoyed sex. I got very excited. I just never hit the peak, and I really didn’t get it until I read an article recently about how women’s cerebral cortexes shut off during orgasm. That made me wonder whether I’d ever actually had one. Did some heavy-duty self-experimentation — previous attempts had always ended with me getting bored, or a hand cramp, after an hour, but I powerd through doggedly to the end, and when I finally made it, I CRIED.
And I was like, oh FUCK. How do you explain that to your husband of ten years?
I haven’t. Instead, I’ve kept practicing on my own, and am getting better at it. And I’m trying other things with the hubs — watching erotica, fulfilling odd fantasies, considering a threesome (haven’t quite worked up the nerve for that yet) — with pretty good success. I’m working up to relaxing enough for it to happen in everyday vanilla sex, and I have faith that I’ll get there (because it really is me, not him. He gets me “almost there”, and always has. I just can’t turn off my goddamn brain and let it go). And like a previous commenter, I just don’t see the point in telling him. Maybe there are things he could do to help — maybe it would just make me even more self-conscious and feel like a jerk to boot.
And sorry if this was TMI, but some of us have our peculiar problems.
April 7th, 2007 at 6:19 pm
Oh this is awesome. I don’t think you always HAVE to have one, but no need to fake either.
Okay, so when I was younger I did. Sometimes. Just to get it over with.
I had a lot of bad one night stands back in the day. Have I shared too much?
April 14th, 2007 at 12:29 am
Awesome post, you are fantastic. I don’t fake anymore. Too tiring. I just think of the queen and wait until its over. I can always make one for myself later.