Mothering two
When Tacy was two years and one month old, Kyle and I headed to Greece for a procreation trip. Sure, we wanted to see some ancient ruins and a spectacular sunset or two, but there was a hidden agenda to this trip as well.
In typical project-manager style, I mapped everything out in advance – more than six months in advance. And in one of those strokes of luck that sometimes (but not often) befall project managers, the trip fell during just the right time, if you catch my drift. And in one of those miraculous cases where lightning strikes the same spot twice (in this case, a fallopian tube), our agenda was fulfilled.
In others’ comments, I’ve alluded to the emotional difficulties of my first pregnancy and post-partum period. For a variety of reasons (such as the absence of terrorist attacks and threatened and actual firings, and the addition of monthly therapy sessions and the benefit of general life stability), my second pregnancy went much more smoothly. And while I still indulged in sleep-deprived sobbing now and then those first several weeks, I sincerely enjoyed my newborn baby CJ. I’m still working out my guilt over the fact that I rarely enjoyed my newborn baby Tacy, thanks to external stressors beyond our control.
(But you’d better believe that I always, ALWAYS loved her to pieces.)
We were fortunate that Tacy was pants-wettingly-excited to be a big sister. And I’m fortunate that Kyle needs no encouragement to get involved with his kids (even when they scream for Mommy). But in all honesty, for several months I felt as if I couldn’t love both children at the same time. One or the other was always tap-dancing on my last nerve.
When CJ was inconsolable, Tacy was cooperative and loving. When Tacy had ants in her pants, CJ would coo and smile. It was as if they took turns misbehaving, or that they each tried convincing me that “Hey, look how my sister is acting! I’m the better child, aren’t I? Go ahead, say it. You love me more, don’t you?”
Even now that I can sit on the sofa, holding them both at the same time and feeling immense love for them both, I can’t please all the people all the time. Often I feel torn: whose preference should I honor now? And when I’m all out of compromises that will make both of them happy, I feel exhausted. Then one or both of them start to wail and I’m ready to lock them in a closet, but I turn on Spongebob instead.
(That usually happens around 4:30pm – too early for a glass of wine, but just the right time for that yellow-bellied rat bastard.)
When you’ve got more than one child, the me-time – something both Kyle and I hold quite dear – is drastically reduced. You learn to make the most of it and to enjoy the brief snatches of it that you get. Ideally, you help each other get more of it by pulling double-duty and trading off. Even more than sex or spa gift cards, a little alone time can engender some major warm and fuzzy feelings between spouses or partners.
But when the children start to entertain each other – playing together, laughing together, tickling each other, chasing each other around the house – and comfort one another with hugs and kisses in response to their sibling’s tears…that’s priceless. The spontaneous interaction between them is really something to see.
Having CJ taught me to hold those happy moments close – to take advantage of smiles and good cheer not by sitting down to read e-mail or blogs, but to scoop a beaming toddler up in my arms and coax a few more giggles out of her. To let Tacy dawdle a bit at bedtime while I sing a few extra verses and smooth her soft hair and kiss her plump cheeks.
I feel the time slip through my fingers each day, wondering if I’ve made the most of it, fearing that I have not. And I’ve only got two children. But no matter how patient we are, how many games of Candyland we play, how many times we read about Clifford, or how tightly we hold on, the days still pass. And while it doesn’t get easier – old challenges rotate out while new ones rotate in – the fun factor increases exponentially, along with the love.
March 29th, 2007 at 6:25 am
This was so great.
Our first born was our practice run. I love all of my children equally, but differently. I don’t always like my children the same. Sometimes one is in a really unlikable phase. I’m just thankful that they aren’t horrible all at the same time, otherwise I’d run away from home.
March 29th, 2007 at 7:00 am
Crap. Just when I convince myself I’m totally okay with just having one kid you go and throw this at me.
*sigh*
I think I need to adopt.
March 29th, 2007 at 7:32 am
The good times are good. The me time is MIA.
My experience was a lot of the reverse, actually. How funny. And yet, I could really identify with what you said.
My kids? If one goes high-maintenance so goes the second. One is having a whiny day? Well, we all know how misery loves company. And then they’ll lull me into false sense of complacency by both being adorable, together. Right now they are both in a boundary testing/drive me mental stage. At least I hope it’s a stage…it’s lasting a long time…
March 29th, 2007 at 8:17 am
Now that Rosie’s talking a little bit more, it’s great to see her interacting with Mimi. It really makes me glad that they have each other (and makes me wish I had a sister of my own!)
But mothering two really can be intense. I’m in serious need of some “me time” lately.
March 29th, 2007 at 9:34 am
That was beautiful, Julie.
March 29th, 2007 at 9:51 am
I have those “man this isn’t really fair!” moments all the time; but yes, OH YES, it is so amazing now that they are playing together more and really developing a relationship. Awesome!
March 29th, 2007 at 9:53 am
PS I can’t believe no one’s yet assured you that 4:30 is a perfectly acceptable time for happy hour to begin. Just call me and I’ll look at my clock and tell you it’s FIVE-thirty.
March 29th, 2007 at 10:36 am
Thanks for the reminder… Makes me know we did the right thing.
March 29th, 2007 at 11:06 am
Oh, I’m so hoping that it will work out like it did for you. I admit that I’ve been more nervous about having two since I’ve been pregnant. Losing out on more me time is a little scary, but I am looking forward to when they are old enough to entertain each other. And it’s good to know I won’t have to feel like I should like them equally all the time.
March 29th, 2007 at 11:12 am
I love this! So beautiful and so true!
March 29th, 2007 at 11:43 am
I love you for this post. I’ve been fence sitting on the whole second child question. This was a persuasive argument, I must say.
March 29th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
Great post. Moving from one to two was such a hard transition. At first, I spent a great deal of time feeling torn. Who needed me more at that moment? It had been only The Boy for five years. But gradually, that got better. I found balance. I cherish the moments my kids laugh and play together…although those moments are rare in our house because of the age difference and things. I could still use a bit more me. time, though.
Beautifully written.
March 29th, 2007 at 5:40 pm
And having 3 just triples the Mommy Guilt…but I definitely am seeing the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Every day DOES get easier, and they are starting to play with each other. And 4:30, is indeed, wine-thirty!
March 29th, 2007 at 5:57 pm
Thank you, thank you for this post! I’m expecting #2 in May and feeling panic , worry, and fear…this definitely made me feel like there is something to look forward to.
Wonderful post!
March 29th, 2007 at 6:09 pm
I’m still in the midst of trying to get my husband to swing over to the “two is better” side where I am and not having much luck. His chief complaint? We’ll have even less “me” time and “us” time than we do now. After reading your post, I fear he’s right. But I also fear that it’s worth it and we’ll miss out (as will our daughter) if we don’t make the leap to a family of four. Sigh.
March 30th, 2007 at 8:44 am
Ive got the fever and this is encouraging because it’s the wanting to lock them in a closet part that I’m afraid of. I loved this too- you do mushy really well.
March 30th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
Both my husband and I are the oldest of three siblings and I think we both made the unconscious choice to have three because it seemed to be the thing to do. What we didn’t plan on was being 27 when we married and 30 when we became parents for the first time. Five months after the first boy was born, we found out we were pregnant again. Surpriiiiise! So we were good to go for awhile until I looked up one day and I was 34 and we had to decide pretty quickly whether or not to go for the third one. We did and it was a good decision, but three is different than two just as two is different from one. Once you cross over the line and decide to go for more…you can’t go back. I don’t wish we had four, but I admit I miss the toddler days…especially now that our oldest is ready for college.
March 30th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
Excellent post – I’ve written about my sufferring from “the fever” every spring and ya’ think I’d know better, by now ;o)
March 30th, 2007 at 2:31 pm
I completely get this! I had the same balance when I had the two young boys. Opposite moods most of the time. When they were 5 and 7, I threw everything off balance and added a third…A GIRL! Talk about dynamics changing. (The way I see it, once you are outnumbered, you make appointments to meet in the closet to get your spouse alone time for about 5 seconds.)
Now, with a teen and tween, they are both evil all the time, so at least it stays consistent. (Kidding!)
I hope I made the most of when they were younger and am still doing all I can for the little one, but there are days when I sure do love Disney and Nickelodeon and Computer games that keep them out of each other’s hair so mommy can unclench for a moment! Ha!
March 30th, 2007 at 8:11 pm
I’m expecting my second girl in July, so this post is most welcome. The part about one girl playing the angel while the other torments you? That was me and my sister growing up.
April 1st, 2007 at 8:59 am
I can really relate to this post Julie. So much of it hits the nail on the head for me! So well said!
April 1st, 2007 at 5:21 pm
While I started reading this and thinking “oh shit…” you’ve left me completely excited for the changes about to come. I still have a lot of anxieties to grapple with but nothing that can’t be helped along by a glass of wine. Even at 4:30.
April 1st, 2007 at 11:01 pm
[...] Mine awarded Bread Crumbs in the Butter Blog Antagonist awarded Mischief Chicky Chicky Baby awarded Mother Goose Mouse Little Bald Doctors awarded Midwestern Mommy Motherhood Uncensored awarded Playgroups are No Place [...]
April 2nd, 2007 at 7:20 am
It would seem that one of my children is always the grump, the squeaker, the squawker the difficult while the other is steadily sweet and lovable and dear.
This is particularly hard on a parent b/c it always feels like work to connect with the grumpster while lovebug is obviously favored for her congeniality.
The guilt, the guilt, here it is again. Perhaps they will switch places in the teen years?
April 2nd, 2007 at 9:10 pm
Beautiful post.
April 2nd, 2007 at 9:43 pm
Not a word of a lie.
Mine are 22 months apart and it is hairy a lot of the time .. but as i wrote a while back my daughter didn’t really know what love was until she now when she lives to love her brother.
April 3rd, 2007 at 7:38 am
Love it! A Perfect Post indeed.
April 3rd, 2007 at 7:38 am
PS you just might be doubling the population with this post.
April 3rd, 2007 at 7:56 am
This was so good for me to read right now.
I’m about 10 weeks with my second. I love the one on one time I have with the Impling right now, but grieve for the time when this will change.
Your words give me a realistic and hopeful glimspe into the future. Many thanks.
April 3rd, 2007 at 7:19 pm
Well said indeed!
With my two older and as close as two siblings can be, I marvel each day at how lucky I am to have them…and for them to have each other.
Even when I want to throttle them and then hide in the pantry with my wine.
Congrats on the perfect post.
April 4th, 2007 at 5:35 am
Great post- I’m learning these things right now. Congrats on your Perfect Post Award!
April 6th, 2007 at 8:01 am
Julie,
I love this post so much I’m writing my own “mothering more than one” piece over at CrankMama. Let’s start a club!
Rachael
April 6th, 2007 at 8:11 am
[...] Mothergoosemouse wrote a thought-provoking piece about mothering two children a few weeks back. In it, she discusses feeling a little guilty that her second baby was easier for her (mostly because of her situation, not because of the baby’s temperament). [...]
April 15th, 2007 at 5:39 pm
Awesome post! Two kids are SO different than one ….
April 28th, 2007 at 5:59 am
You’ve really captured it here.