Stupid is as stupid does
And the same is true for intelligence.
While I’m all for celebrating accomplishments – our own and our children’s – I find it wryly amusing that many proud parents leap to improbable conclusions. As Jill rightfully noted in Liz’s comments: “My husband and I laugh at the fact that our friends’ kids seem to have the lock on gifted and talented classes. At least to hear their parents tell it. It just can’t be.”
In the interest of full disclosure, Kyle and I were both in gifted programs, like other bloggers I know. So perhaps it’s easy for us to giggle; we’re fairly confident that our girls won’t struggle through school.
At least academically. Heh.
But even genetics don’t pave the way with golden bricks. I’m not an Ivy League graduate; I’ve actually got an F and several D’s to show for my time at Pitt. And my younger brother, who literally charmed his way through high school, has yet to find a way to make a living that really satisfies him.
Likewise, I think it’s terribly unfair for parents – for anyone – to draw conclusions about a child’s future success based on IQ or SAT scores or how they were reading at age two. Not only unfair, but inaccurate.
In high school, I had a close friend who was not academically inclined at all. We were in Coeds together – an activity that required a minimum 2.0 GPA each quarter. In the final quarter of our junior year, her GPA fell below 2.0. She petitioned the director for another chance and was allowed to try out again – alongside the incoming freshmen – for our senior year.
Less than a 2.0 GPA – that means she’d have more D’s than B’s. Possibly a report card full of C’s and one D. I have no idea, because I didn’t care what her grades looked like. She was a hell of a lot of fun, kind and considerate, and my senior year in Coeds wouldn’t have been the same without her.
Oh, and did I mention that her father was a physicist?
Like Jill said, “I also think parents are way too hung up on wanting their kids to be smart. I’ll take a kind child over a smart one any day.”
Kindness, good manners, playing well with others – that will take anyone a long way. And they’ll probably have a lot of fun getting there because people will want to be around them.
My brother may not have a college diploma, but he is one of the most genuinely nice people you’ll ever meet. And he is also a hell of a lot of fun.
And my friend from high school? The one with the abysmal GPA? She teaches piano lessons and runs a Kindermusik program in her home – with a waiting list. She’s an entrepreneur.
Take your own kids achievements and shortcomings with a grain of salt. And hold back on your judgment of others. The future is difficult to predict.
Technorati Tags: gifted children, slackers, delusional parents
March 27th, 2007 at 11:16 am
Amen… I hope school and learning expands my children’s minds and perspectives. I hope I can place just as much importance on social and emotional intelligence as I do on academic achievements. (After all I did go to the Party Ivy.)
March 27th, 2007 at 11:44 am
All I can do is nod my head and agree with you. Well written!
March 27th, 2007 at 11:47 am
Well said. I was just like your friend. And though I’m not an entrepeneur, I think I could be if I wanted to. There are all kinds of smart.
March 27th, 2007 at 11:52 am
I’m going to second Mayberry’s Amen. Amen to the fifth power. I fret and stress over my daughter’s slow language skills but she’s so good with other kids and is very sweet with grownups. That’s got to count for something, right?
March 27th, 2007 at 12:47 pm
Can I add a hallelujah?
My husband and I have talked about this, too. That curse of “potential,” which in both our cases resulted in lazy, unmotivated, directionless adults.
While I marvel at my kids, I know that intelligence is no guarantee of success or happiness. The best I hope for is that they’ll be well-rounded.
March 27th, 2007 at 12:48 pm
Yep, I agree. I sometimes fret over the fact that Cordy seems to be only average at best, and possibly behind in some social skills. But then I look at who her parents are (two socially awkward geeks) and realize that she’ll be fine as long as we support her in whatever she does. She doesn’t have to be perfect at everything.
March 27th, 2007 at 1:55 pm
ain’t it the truth. i read at 3, wrote my first book (complete with illustrations) at 4, was labeled “gifted” at 9, and damn near dropped out of high school. i finally got my bachelor’s degree at the ripe ol’ age of 29 and i’m sure many of my former classmates would consider me a loser by industry standards.
i know my kid is intelligent, but i also know my kid has problems. i don’t expect him to be at the top of his class. i want him to be successful, but above all else, i want him to be happy and be able to function in society.
March 27th, 2007 at 2:02 pm
I agree. I love the fact that even though my daughter isn’t speaking as well as other 2y she is sill very concerned with about how other kids feel and wants to help them. It’s great and makes the days feel so much better.
March 27th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
I agree! It’s funny how I wrote about being proud of accomplishments/smarts and it became a discussion about gifted kids. As I told Elizabeth in my comments, there’s always a reason to be proud of your kids, whether he prefers Dostoyevsky or Pat the Bunny.
And grades have nothing to do with intelligence, particularly the way most schools are set up.
March 27th, 2007 at 3:08 pm
This is a great post.
There are so many parents (at least in my vicinity) who are really, really pushing their kids both academically and in activities/sports. Their children are *brilliant* and aren’t *challenged enough* at school (even though these kids aren’t motivated to complete the work that they get–the parents want the teachers to come up with additional programs and homework, etc) It is mind boggling. I think it comes from an okay place, they want for their kids either what they had (or didn’t have) when they were growing up.
I’m hoping for a good-hearted, kind, empathic girl. I’m sure she’ll have enough smarts to get her through. Maybe she’ll be extremely motivated, who knows? I want her to be her, though. Not some extention of myself. Or my do-over.
March 27th, 2007 at 3:31 pm
I just wrote a series of posts about my brother, who also barely graduated high school. He now has settled into a great career as a performer/musician and couldn’t be happier. I was second in my HS graduating class and I have no job, so there you go!
My parents were working class folks who never really pushed me in school, and I did just fine on my own. My hope is that my own kids find something that drives their passion.
March 27th, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Hi,
Just wanted to post that I happened upon your blog today and I enjoyed your writing. The pictures are wonderful also! Trish
March 27th, 2007 at 6:05 pm
Absolutely! I have the pressure of deciding to homeschool which means the fact that my 6 year old is struggling to read must mean I’m destroying her entire life. I firmly believe that ALL kids have a talent—not everyone is meant to be a genius academically and I only hope that I can give my kids the options that allow them to find out where their talents lie.
March 27th, 2007 at 9:00 pm
my ?usband is a genius and it is going to be so ?ard on our c?ildren I t?ink (my letter after g is sticking…sorry)
March 28th, 2007 at 5:03 am
It’s easy for me to say since I haven’t actually experienced it yet, but it seems like the parents who get too wrapped up in how intelligent and “gifted” their children are seem to be making up for perceived shortcomings in themselves and that just creeps me out. We can’t live through our kids. They’re their own people and doing so isn’t fair to them.
That said Jeff and I have a running joke about having the “smartest fetus in the room” things like “Look at how good he is at turning over in utero. He’s a genius!”.
March 28th, 2007 at 8:55 am
While I do hope my children are intelligent, I also want them to be balanced individuals, happy, confident and caring. Honestly, I see some very bright children out there and know that my son is not as well spoken as child A or cannot read like child X, but I know he excels in other ways, whether it be at making me laugh or being able to do some trick on the monkey bars or being able to play chess.
What is hard and will only grow harder is trying to counteract the high expectations I know my husband will have of our children.
March 28th, 2007 at 9:54 am
My brother barely passed any of his grades, but only because he was bored and didn’t care much for the structure. As an adult, he’s a fun and interesting guy who reads the dictionary like other people read the tabloids. He works in a factory, yet he is the smartest man I know. // I think success deals mostly with finding your niche in life, finding your bliss. You can be a successful parent and adult without a PhD. Smart kids are fun, but I have never marveled at how easy their lives will be because they’re so advanced. They’ll still have to struggle to find what drives them, and they’ll still have to have relationships. // My 15-month-old isn’t talking yet, but he’s marvelously well-adjusted and pleasant to be around. // Here’s something you can retort to the competimommies. “So, do you think you’d love your child less if s/he wasn’t able to do X?”
March 28th, 2007 at 10:33 am
My two oldest girls are/were in G&T (oldest is now in honors classes in middle school) and, though I’ve been blogging for nearly four years, I believe this is the first time I’m actually saying it outloud, sort of.
Because people do (and have) made negative judgements – with statements like, “Oh, you’ve got one of those kids,” and “You actually let her play with regular kids!?!” – yes, parents have actually made very nasty remarks, without even knowing my family.
To explain further, I was pregnant with #4 and drag the other two along to a birthday party my then-middle-child was attending. My oldest (then
would not acknowledge another mother and, after being repremanded for it, the other mother said, “You mean, she’s human!?!”
Yes, they eat…drink…spit…poop and make mistakes, just like I would expect any kid (or mom, for that matter) to do.
I spent the ride home trying to explain what the mother meant, without insisting that it was because she is an absolute bitch, was hard!
It’s like trying to explain to my kids why Mommy never finished college – but, I’ll save that for another time.
Though I don’t believe that my husband and I push our kids, academically (though, I’m not quite sure what the definition of that would be) it would be hard not to admit the possibility of a scholarship, or two, appeals to me – sending four kids to college (two kids, at the same time) I can’t even go there, right now!
I’ve never been one for keeping score, or have I ever denied the fact that my kids are probably smarter than me – thank goodness – but, I am content in the knowledge that they (all four of them) understand that it’s not what’s in their heads, but what is in their hearts that counts!
The best I can hope for is that they learn to use both, well.
Thanks for writing this and making me think on it, some more – in the meantime, I hope that other parents could at least understand our motivations, a little better.
March 28th, 2007 at 10:35 am
Edited to add: Not being very bright with the internet, either – I don’t know why the smiley face showed up – but, my oldest was five-years-old, at the time.
March 28th, 2007 at 12:41 pm
My mother and one of my sisters are always telling me that my daughter is extremely bright, probably smarter than said sister’s daughter, who is in the gifted classes. And she is quick, but not all that academically inclined so far (age 4). She wants to act, and that’s fine by me.
I don’t care which kids she wants to play with. She was asking to have one of the autistic kids in her preschool class over to play. We couldn’t, but only because he gets out of school at a different time than she does, and so I don’t know his parents.
For me the hard part is not comparing her brother’s progress. He’s 2 and not talking much yet, which is hard after having an early talker. But he communicates well.
I try to let my kids explore their own interests and not go overboard on the extra classes. Some things are “musts”, such as swimming lessons, as my inlaws have a pool in their yard. Otherwise I’d rather my kids be kids.
March 28th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
Yes, yes, and yes.
Perhaps I’m pessimistic, but I think it’s incredibly premature to make any assumptions about our children’s future success or intelligence based on how they are right now or how we are as parents. My brother was one of those children who met all his milestones early, talked early, recited commercials, the kid you think “he is smart.” Well, not to say he’s not smart, but something happened between age 5 and adulthood and he’s still living at home with mom, barely graduated from high school, and never held a job more than a few months.
Me, on the other hand, my parents thought I was incredibly slow as a toddler. I was slow to reach ALL milestones, my language skills lagged for a long time, but I thrived once I hit school, was in TAG, etc.
Speaking of letting kids be kids, I must finish reading “A Running Start” reviewed on mother-talk.com last week. Struck me as pretty common sense stuff, but it might help assuage the anxiety I start feeling when other moms tell me how their 3 year olds are starting to write their names or trace letters, etc.
March 28th, 2007 at 2:28 pm
I am returning because I had some thought I wanted to loft out there. I have been thinking of this for some time and dh and I have discussed it.
To give some background, I was deemed G&T in elementary, but it was a small school and so when the elementary school converged to a larger jr. high school, I was not originally placed in the honors courses. Within a week of school, I was then placed in the appropriate courses. Around this time, my parents somehow switched from being mildly encouraging to stating, “you know, high school is much more competitive, so if you do not get an A, you should not be upset with yourself.” Same thing in college. They did not push me to be in the AP courses or push me academically. I do think I could have benefited – both in high school and in college – from having more positive and encouraging direction from them.
As a parent, I want to be cognizant of this fine line. I want to believe in my children’s abilities, but not see things that are really not there. I want to let them know that I think they can do anything they want to do – given their willingness to work hard. I *do* have high expectations. But the bar is not success, it is of effort.
March 28th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
amen, and besides that, it’s a giant set up. if we can all just live and let live (oh where did the love go…) then it’s easier on everyone, especially the little people. it’s hard enough as is.
nice post.
March 28th, 2007 at 6:21 pm
PERFECTLY said. We want our kids to be brilliant, ambitious, creative, talented, but none of that amounts to a hill of beans against the issue of happiness.
March 29th, 2007 at 11:03 am
[...] The very lovely – and way more articulate, than me - Mom101 had an interesting post about how some parents take their bragging rights, seriously. I linked there through the equally beautiful – yep, she’s way smart, too - Mothergoosemouse, who also believes (as do I) that stupid is as stupid does. [...]
March 29th, 2007 at 3:33 pm
I live in a jock town and my oldest child is an artist. I stopped signing him up for sports after the first go when there just wasn’t any interest.
However, I’d do more to see their (my four kids) dreams fulfilled than try to shove them into some preconceived notion of what the perfect child is supposed to be…. i.e. star of the football team.
If you haven’t, watch the movie “Billy Ellliot”. The final few moments of that moving leave me sobbing, it is such an intensity of the love you have for your child and how you abandon those thoughts about what you think your child is “supposed to be” and you embrace what they really are. Very powerful.