“It’s okay to look?” Harrumph.
Last week, I found a suspicious charge on our debit card. A membership at Match.com.
It was determined to be fraudulent – Match.com had already red-flagged the transaction – but we discovered that only after I made a fairly hysterical call to Kyle at work, insisting that I didn’t give a rat’s ass WHO was in his office, we had to talk about this NOW.
Reflecting on my reaction, I’m wondering why I freaked out. We’ve been married nearly ten years. We spent two years separated by a few thousand miles, the Caribbean sea, and ever-shrinking military leave balances. We spent two more years separated by one hundred miles, the Chesapeake Bay Bridge, and horse-drawn Amish carriages on two lane roads. We’ve got two children and a mortgage. We don’t live in each other’s back pockets, but we always know where the other person is.
And as Kyle rightly pointed out, if he were going to get a Match.com membership, he’d be damn sure not to use his debit card – or his credit card – considering I handle all the finances and would be sure to see the transaction.
So why did I freak out?
Is it the extra fifteen pounds I’ve been carrying since having Tacy?
Is it the bags under my eyes each morning?
Is it that I’m not growing old gracefully, and I’m too fucking tired to fight it every step of the way?
I’ll be thirty-five on Tuesday. Thirty-five is not old by any means. Nor do I intend to suggest that I’m an old hag. But there’s no denying that I’m not twenty-something anymore.
Feeling my age sneaks up on me at the oddest times. Like when I’m on the playground with Tacy, and I try to fling myself about on the monkey bars like I did in elementary school. Or when I try to do the Centerville Coeds fight song routine for Tacy’s amusement, and I practically fall on my face. I even have to remind myself of my age (and target heart rate) when I’m at the gym.
I can still do a handstand in the shallow end of the pool, which impresses Tacy much more than the fight song.
Kyle has never given me any reason to freak out over a charge from Match.com. Five years ago, I would have laughed and teased him about it. I would have had the inner confidence to know that it could be nothing BUT a fraudulent charge.
Time passes so quickly. It’s easy to see how people grow apart – how one day you feel as if you don’t even know the people closest to you. I’m fortunate that Kyle and I don’t feel that way about each other, but this Match.com incident has reminded me that not only do I need to get a grip on my own self-image, but that none of us can afford to let our marriages languish – or else the next charge might not be fraudulent.
Hell, it might even be me.
Just exaggerating to make a point, love. I swear.
Technorati Tags: Match.com, cheating hearts, old hags, fraudulent charges
February 25th, 2007 at 4:41 pm
As someone who is going to be 38 in August (ugh) and is celebrating 10 years of marriage this spring I totally get this post. It’s way too easy to neglect one’s self image and one’s marriage during the early years of raising our kids only to realize it’s too late. (making mental note to quit putting off that hot weekend away with my husband)
February 25th, 2007 at 4:42 pm
I would have made a phone call to my husband’s office, too.
Also, I hate entering my age on the elliptical machines at the gym, and then having it beep at me when my heart rate goes higher than it thinks it should.
February 25th, 2007 at 4:59 pm
I would have reacted the same way. Actually — when I was pregnant with Julia I went downstairs to the basement to do laundry and found some underwear in the pile that weren’t mine. I called Dave and was a little on the emotional side, and he insisted that he didn’t know who they belonged to and had nothing to do with it.
Turns out they were my spiffy new maternity underwear. It took a few minutes of close inspection for me to figure it out.
February 25th, 2007 at 5:14 pm
I’m fast closing in on 35 myself. The thing about 35 is that you can no longer pretend you just turned 30 — you’ve crossed the half-decade mark toward 40.
And like, wrinkles? WTF? I still get pimples, and now I’ve got wrinkles too?! It doesn’t seem quite fair.
February 25th, 2007 at 5:39 pm
$10 to see the handstand at Blogher
February 25th, 2007 at 5:41 pm
If I’m not the only one in a swimsuit, you’re on!
February 25th, 2007 at 6:22 pm
So did this warrant “make-up sex”?
February 25th, 2007 at 7:09 pm
I found a barrett in K’s toilet kit and did the same thing. Though I’m pretty sure it was his sister’s and got mixed up in his stuff during our family reunion vacation.
February 25th, 2007 at 7:39 pm
I’d have done the same thing, even though we’ve talked about issues like match.com before and what’s OK and what’s not. (We’ve seen other marriages destroyed by singles sites like that.) It’s totally OK to look – hell, it’s human. But going the extra step of trolling a singles website is beyond looking – that’s crossing the line into scouting out a new relationship.
But yeah, things like that do make you take a hard look at your relationship and your own self-esteem.
February 25th, 2007 at 9:45 pm
I HATE that match.com tagline — I think it is despicable. Pisses me off each and every time.
And remember you’ll always be younger than me.
February 25th, 2007 at 11:02 pm
Hey, I’ll join the handstands in the pool at BlogHer.
P.S. We’ve got to figure out where we are all staying: folks are going to be spread out over several hotels this time around…
February 26th, 2007 at 3:37 am
A lot this year has reminded me not to take any relationship for granted.
I ran across an old friend’s website recently, someone I haven’t seen in a few years. I found myself scrolling down her pictures, almost obsessively looking for a picture of her with her husband. After many, many cute kid pictures, there was one of the whole family. Whew. It was just important to know they were still together.
February 26th, 2007 at 10:37 am
Are you kidding? Their motto is, “It’s okay to look,” seriously? Ooooh GAG.
Very interesting look at why it bothered you. I had to think a bit about if it had happened to me. My mind would be telling me 1000 reasons why it was a mistake, but that insecure piece of my heart would be freaking out.
We’re at 14 years and I’m older than you.
I also wrote an entire post about how “the old gray mare ain’t what she used to be” and all the weird aging things.
So has your debit card been compromised? I hope not!
February 26th, 2007 at 11:32 am
I can totally relate to this. I’ve even gone so far as to check the last number dialed on the phone. And he’s never given me any reason to suspect he’d ever cheat on me. It’s just me and my paranoia.
PS. Happy early birthday, chaquita! Treat yourself to a sexy new pair of shoes. That always helps.
February 26th, 2007 at 11:53 am
I understand…
And no, If you’re married, I don’t think it’s okay to look. Period.
Oh, unless you get a call from a single girlfriend who says, “Hey remember so & so from high school? He’s on match.com. He’s totally “tricked out” his Iroc-Z & thinks he’s hot-stuff. He looks like such a dork. You have to come over & see this!” That warrants looking. That’s about it in my opinion….
And mamatulip…that cracks me up.
February 26th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
Well, *I* think your hot.
February 26th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
And I think I can’t spell.
Let me try again.
….
Well, *I* think you’re hot.
February 26th, 2007 at 9:25 pm
Happy Birthday tomorrow, my friend. And may you always feel young in the knowledge that I’m older than you.
February 27th, 2007 at 12:17 am
THIS is one for the novel… !
February 27th, 2007 at 1:34 pm
wow! great post. thanks for the reminder
oh and 30 is the new 20 you know that right ??? 
enjoy your b.day!
p.s. i gained 20 pounds after i had my son. after i say, after!!!!!!! uurrgh!
February 27th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
ooh. I hear that one (36 next month, myself, and sporting the extra 15 too. for sure). ouch. Frank and I always laugh over how both of us would never have the energy for an affair. But if I saw a charge like that I would also go loop-the-loop!
March 2nd, 2007 at 6:06 am
Can’t blame you for the frantic phone call. Who wouldn’t feel suspicious? Because it does happen. All the time. To couples you would NEVER think it would happen to. Many, many people do not take their marriage vows seriously. (Can you tell this touches a nerve for me personally?)
I’m glad it turned out okay. And I’m with sober briquette – I hope the make up sex rocked!