Some things are sacred
I don’t mind if you don’t remember my birthday.
It doesn’t hurt my feelings if you read the card I sent, smile to yourself, and toss it in the trash.
And as much as I love thank you notes, I won’t delete your name and number from my cell phone contacts if you don’t send me one.
I don’t expect roses on Valentine’s Day.
I’m perfectly happy to spend any of the major holidays eating Chinese take-out and reading a good book. Alone.
And I won’t get my knickers in a knot if you address me as either ”Mrs. Kyle Married-Name” or “Ms. Julie Maiden-Name”. You can even call me “Hey you!” or “Yo bitch!” Just be prepared for me to respond in kind.
But what I can’t do – and I can’t quite wrap my head around it when others do it – is call my in-laws “Mom” and “Dad”.
From the beginning, I’ve called my in-laws by their first names. Likewise, Kyle has called my parents by their first names. As much as I love him and want him to feel seamlessly integrated, I’d cringe if he called my parents “Mom” and “Dad”. My BROTHER calls my parents “Mom” and “Dad”. Not my husband. And he has his own parents who raised him and whom he loves.
Even before I had children, I found that relationship – that parent-child relationship to be inimitable. I had a friend in high school whose mother was very involved with our drill team, and many of my teammates called her “Mom Blah-de-Blah”. I didn’t want to. I can’t call someone else “Mom” who isn’t actually my mother. I can’t even call someone “Aunt” or “Uncle” who isn’t really my aunt or uncle.
Perhaps my reticence to call other adults by personal possessive names is just more evidence that I’m a misanthrope at heart – along with the fact that I’d prefer a pint of chicken fried rice to a dinner table of twenty near-strangers. It’s borne less out of loyalty than out of discomfort.
But I think about how I’d feel if someday Tacy or CJ called their mother-in-law “Mom”. I know it wouldn’t be intended as a slight against me, but as a means of integrating themselves into their new extended family. It would still hurt. Because I want to be their one and only mother.
December 18th, 2006 at 10:03 pm
That’s a no-can-do for me too. Although I have a hard time calling my MIL by her first name, there’s NO WAY I could call her Mom.
I still have trouble with what to have my children’s friends call me. I’m fine with my first name, but around here it’s “Miss C.” or worse “Mrs. H.” which just feels so odd.
December 18th, 2006 at 10:55 pm
No way would I call my inlaws “Mom” or “Dad” and thankfully my husband calls my parents by their proper names, as much as he loves them, etc.
I admit I get tense when my MIL calls my sons by the pet names that my husband and I have for them. I don’t mind the generic “Darling” etc., which they can feel free to call their grandchildren, but the unique little pet names that we’ve made up in our immediate family are “ours.” Similarly, my MIL and FIL are my husband’s “Mom” and “Dad,” and I definitely wouldn’t take that from him (or vice-versa.)
Even in a bonus-family or other extended family case, I’d want separate titles for everyone involved such that each person is represented and respected in a unique, singular way.
(Mayberry: I feel so old being called “Mrs. D,” so I am with you on that. I don’t want to be too familiar OR too formal!)
December 18th, 2006 at 11:01 pm
I’m so with you on this one. It’s a cross between an annoyingly contrived Eddie Haskalism and long acrylic nails on a chalkboard.
December 19th, 2006 at 4:38 am
Oh me too. Its not intended as a slight, its not an indication that I don’t care for them. But they are not my Mom and Dad. I have a Mom and a Dad. Calling someone else by those names would seem just wrong to me. I think it bother’s them, but they never say anything.
December 19th, 2006 at 4:41 am
I call my MIL by her first name. I don’t think my husband calls my parents anything (still. He’s had 22 years to figure this out.) My two SIL call my parents mom and dad. I always wonder for a split second who they are talking about. And they are not that close and loving, so it’s not all that significant. Now, forgetting my birthday on the other hand….
December 19th, 2006 at 5:59 am
I could never call my IL’s Mom and Dad. They’re not my parents. I only have one mother, and she’s gone, and there’s no way I’m calling anyone else Mom. Simple as that.
December 19th, 2006 at 6:38 am
I agree with you. I don’t call my MIL or even my step woman “Mom” – it’s easier with kids though, in front of them I just call my MIL “Grandma.”
December 19th, 2006 at 6:41 am
It’s funny. I never had trouble calling any of my friends’ parents Mom and Dad. But I can’t do it with my husband’s parents.
He calls my mom “Mom.” But I don’t call his parents anything. I know they would be hurt if I called them by their first names, so instead I just wait until they look at me to speak.
God, how old am I? 5?
It’s weird, though, because the rest of the brothers- and sisters-in-law refer to them as Mami and Papi. I just can’t. And I think they’re starting to notice.
December 19th, 2006 at 7:06 am
I’m with you – along with the Chinese food on holidays! I didn’t call my inlaws anything until GC came along and then I started to use the grandparent terms. KAATN didn’t call my parents anything either until the grandparent terminology became acceptable.
My mother referred to her inlaws and Mr. and Mrs. D … it worked for her. My father called his inlaws Mom and Dad because, frankly, they were more parental figures than his own. I think in that case, it’s fine … it’s almost as if they earned the respect.
But if my kid calls anyone else “Mom” … I’ll foward the college tuition bills to them. But I wouldn’t be bitter
December 19th, 2006 at 10:53 am
Ditto for me, too. My FIL is deceased, and I don’t call my MIL “Mom” either. It doesn’t sound right coming out of my mouth.
December 19th, 2006 at 10:57 am
ha. this is good.
I call my FIL dad because mine is dead. And ironically, they are sort of the same — flaming alkies.
but hell no will I ever call my MIL “mom” — it’s way to weird – in fact, it gives me the shivers….
December 19th, 2006 at 11:08 am
I agree with it all. I could never call my inlaws Mom and Dad. I could never even force those words if I had to. It just sounds wrong. And one day if my daughter decides to call her inlaws Mom and Dad I think I’ll die a little bit inside.
December 19th, 2006 at 11:53 am
To me, the cringiest is when husbands call their wives “Mommy.” I know it is easy to slip into with the kids, but eeew. Especially when it was Ronald Reagan talking about Nancy. That really sent me into shudder-land.
December 19th, 2006 at 12:26 pm
Ditto. Ditto, ditto, ditto. Couldn’t do it.
December 19th, 2006 at 12:47 pm
really?!?! see, i call all my best girlfriends mom’s “mom.” i always have. although they aren’t MY mom… it’s what i call them. half of it is because they’re like my other mom.. but it’s mostly that i’d rather call them mom than their name. you know?
i call boyfriends mom.. “mom “
December 19th, 2006 at 12:51 pm
I’m not sure I see your point on this one. Personally, I think it’s the respect thing to do so. Both my hubbie and I are Asians, and we both call each other’s IL by “mom or dad” in our own languages. I can’t see calling my IL’s by their first name or even Mr. and Mrs. And I won’t be hurt if my daughter calls her future IL’s by mom and dad either, since I know I’m her only and real Mom.
December 19th, 2006 at 12:52 pm
Hey, I thought I was the only one I knew who felt this way. I can’t bring myself to do it. It just feels too wierd to me, but all my friends do it just fine. For me, I think it has to do with the fact that I have never been close with either of my parents, all kinds of issues there, and I love my in-laws. It would almost be an insult to them to call them mom or dad. Pretty sad, huh?
December 19th, 2006 at 1:12 pm
Betty, you make a good point about cultural norms. If we were from an ethnic or cultural background where we’d grown up seeing our parents call their in-laws “Mom” and “Dad”, I think it would be a different story. Both my parents called their in-laws either by their first names or by their “grandparent” names.
December 19th, 2006 at 2:11 pm
I can understand how you feel about that one, and in our extended family it’s a divided issue. I have brothers and sisters-in-law who call my parents Mom and Dad and some who call them by their first name.
I myself do call my inlaws Mom and Dad–or at least my Mother in Law, I have avoided the issue with my Father in law by never directly addressing him–not because I feel that they’re my parents but as an acknowledgment that my husband and I are united as a family and for the work she has done in raising him. My children call both sets of grandparents by the same title, his mother has contributed as much to my family as my parents have and I want her to feel this is acknowledged.
My husband’s family has mentioned that they appreciating me treating them like this, but I know other families may not respond the same way. So I guess there’s no right or wrong, just whatever makes your family the happiest.
December 19th, 2006 at 2:15 pm
To add one more thing . . . I think sometimes people get hung up on biology being the only part of parenting. If you had adopted your children would you have a hard time having them call you “Mom?” If you were adopted would you want to address only your biological mother as “mom”?
In a sense my husband and I have each been adopted into the other’s extended family and have earned a right to call each other’s parents Mom and Dad. But once again, that’s just my own opinion.
December 19th, 2006 at 3:07 pm
Yes, it is weird, and I don’t call my in-laws “mom” or “dad” (except in cards & on gift tags, and then it’s still “Mom Riley.”
But sometimes we do an awkward “love you” before we hang up.
December 19th, 2006 at 3:24 pm
I’m definitely with you on this one. I call my in-laws by their first names; my husband addresses my mom by her first name. In fact, I sort of cringed yesterday looking at a gift tag on a gift to me and my husband yesterday, signed from ‘mom and dad’. Sorry, you’re great, really, but you’re not my mom and dad!
December 19th, 2006 at 3:32 pm
Parenting (whether it is being raised as a foster kid, adopted kid or biological kid) is done mainly by the people who live with you. Then…you grow up and leave home. Once you’re on your own, no one is parenting you anymore. Getting married and having in-laws isn’t the same thing as having parents who adopted you and worrying about what to call them.
I disagree with Michelle about calling in-laws Mom & Dad because, once you’re grown and calling your own shots, no one is “parenting” you at all anymore. You still have a Mom and a Dad (if you’re lucky) but they’re not raising you anymore. The same goes (only moreso) for your in-laws. The confusion over what to call another set of adults who finished raising your spouse an equal number of years ago is simple. You either call them by their first names…or you wind up calling them by the monikers the grandkids use.
December 19th, 2006 at 3:50 pm
Wordgirl, thanks – that’s what I was thinking but couldn’t put it into words. No wonder you’re Wordgirl.
December 19th, 2006 at 4:06 pm
OH! We have this issue- when we got married my in-laws told me to call them mom and dad- and now I think we all wish we could take it back. It’s so awkward, especially when my parents are around, too. Besides, now I hate them and if they were my parents I would call child protective services (just kidding, mostly). My husband tries not to call my parents anything at all, which is funny and strangely hard “hey you, pass the eggnog!”. I try now to call them nana and papa, but then I feel like a child myself, and mil emails me nearly daily, so I really can’t respond with dear nana. What a silly, contrived situation we are all in now.
December 19th, 2006 at 4:36 pm
My husband doesn’t call my mum or dad anything. They would love him to call them mum and dad, and actually my parents do alot more for him than his mom does. But he feels uncomfortable about it. I suggested he call them by their first names instead but he doesn’t want to draw attention to the fact he’s not calling them mum and dad. So he does the same thing one of the other commenters does, waits for them to look at him to speak! Ha!
I don’t need to worry about it as my in-laws live overseas and don’t speak my language anyway so when I do see them (rarely), communication is somewhat reduced to smiles and nods. So much easier all round, I recommend this solution to everyone!
December 19th, 2006 at 4:37 pm
I still don’t know what to call my in laws and I have been married 11 years! They want me to call them mom and dad, and I can’t do it. Because they told me to call them mom and dad, I feel strange calling them by their first names. If I *have* to say their name to get their attention, I do use their first name, but I usually try to avoid calling them anything.
December 19th, 2006 at 6:08 pm
I asked my in laws right up front what they preferred…thank God it was their first names, cuz I wouldn’t have felt comfortable calling them Mom and Dad. I already had parents for God sakes….
But I remember growing up my parents called their in-laws (on both sides) Mom and Dad, and seemed perfectly comfortable doing so.
December 19th, 2006 at 6:17 pm
When Rachel was little she asked her dad if she could call him Mitch, as that is what her friends called him. He gathered her up and said, “No, I wouldn’t like that, because you are the only one that can call me daddy”. And I have never heard her call him anything other than daddy. heavy sigh
December 19th, 2006 at 6:46 pm
My sister used to call her late MIL “Mom” and it always bugged me. Plus she hated her guts. WTF?
December 19th, 2006 at 7:39 pm
You know, it’s funny I was just thinking the very same thing. I think spurred on by a post of Kristen’s where she called her MIL “mom.” We never called friends of the family Aunt/Uncle either. I suppose relations are a sacred thing in my family. They aren’t titles you can earn through marriage or even affection.
December 19th, 2006 at 10:15 pm
yup. totally. i couldn’t even imagine it.
December 19th, 2006 at 10:27 pm
I’ve had this conversation before with friends. Something we noticed among our individual circles (regardless of what we called our ILs – which was mixed in the group), there was a lower incidence of divorce in the families that called ILs Mom and Dad. That’s not to imply that if you don’t call your ILs mom and dad that you’re on your way to divorce. I wonder if the titles you call them have anything to do with the stage of life you were in when you met your spouse. I was young (hs) when I started dating dh. I called my ILs Mr. and Mrs. X then. When we got married, it seemed way too formal. It took a year or so to get comfortable using Mom and Dad, but it’s second nature now. Dh also calls my parents Mom and Dad. My parents each called their ILs Mom and Dad, too. Interesting reading.
December 20th, 2006 at 5:37 am
My husband’s parents divorced 32 years ago…
My MIL has just lost her husband…
And it was strange as everyone kept asking my husband what it was like to lose his ’step-dad’…
This man that died was not his father… He came into my husband’s life after we were married and I was pregnant. It was hard enough to give him a monikker of some grandfatherly type of name for our daughter…
But stepdad was never in the cards..
This man had only been involved in the periferal of our family in the last seven years…and yet people kept on referring to him as my husband’s step dad…
It drove him crazy…
Absolutely crazy…
December 21st, 2006 at 4:06 pm
Well, my husband does not call my Mom, “mom”. However, my two step sons do call my Mom “gram” which is what my daughter calls her.
Speaking of step children. How do you feel about step children calling their step parents Mom and Dad? My step children call me by my first name, but since I am significantly younger than my husband, making my oldest step son only 12 years younger than myself, it would seem really weird….