Give and let give
One of my favorite episodes of “Friends” – one that actually had a worthwhile moral message – is “The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS“. Phoebe and Joey argue over whether a selfless good deed exists. With rare intellectual insight, Joey posits that all good deeds are selfish by definition, because doing a good deed makes you feel good.
The recent hullaballoo concerning Madonna’s adoption of an African toddler – and Mom-101’s exceptionally levelheaded response to the criticisms being flung far and wide – reminded me of that “Friends” episode.
Why do we seem inclined to assign moral superiority to actions that are altruistic – that is, benefitting others without apparent benefit to us?
Why does it seem as if our actions are tainted if in fact we take pleasure (or derive some other benefit) from them?
Why are we so quick to question others’ motives, particularly in circumstances where we are not directly affected?
Each year the holiday season is used as an opportunity to publicize opportunities to assist people in need. Just as celebrities use their fame to benefit themselves – and others – charities seize opportunities as well. Does that approach denigrate their work?
For the past thirty-something years, I’ve cleaned out my closets and cupboards and donated serviceable items to Goodwill, resulting in less clutter for me and gently-used “new” belongings for others. Does this symbiotic relationship lessen the benefit that we each derive?
Kyle and I chose to have two biological children (and our bodies cooperated). Many other parents work with domestic and international agencies to adopt children. Are parents who adopt morally superior to parents who procreate?
Generally speaking, most people act in accordance with our own needs and wants foremost in our minds, without detriment to others, and often we directly or indirectly benefit others when we fulfill our needs and wants.
The happiness of others does not necessitate our own unhappiness. It doesn’t have to be an either-or, nor should it be. Take pleasure in giving to others, and take pleasure in seeing others give as well.
October 25th, 2006 at 10:25 am
I’m with Liz. She wants to adopt – HOORAY!
October 25th, 2006 at 10:44 am
Shame on all you people who try to make the world a better place!
Why can’t everyone just focus on themselves without improving anyone’s situation but their own? Seriously!
(tones down the sarcasm long enough to say…) Well said, Julie.
October 25th, 2006 at 11:00 am
When it comes to celebrities adopting half the people will hold them up on a pedestal and the other half will be trying to pull them down. Unfortunately, that’s just the nature of the beast.
October 25th, 2006 at 11:49 am
I try to do good for others because it is the only thing that really makes me feel good. So I suppose I am quite selfish in that way.
October 25th, 2006 at 12:22 pm
Suppose I’m going to do something to make myself feel better about myself. I could denigrate others or I could try to lift them up.
People have actually written that others are too free or insincere with their compliments. I disagree. And I’m not known for being Pollyannaish.
(BTW, the Ethiopian restaurant was very good. If you like Indian, you’d like what we had.)
October 25th, 2006 at 3:01 pm
We’re teaching our son about community and how to be a good citizen (which includes donating time, money, possessions to charity and helping our elderly neighbors with yard work). We don’t do these things to be better than other people, we do them to make the world a better place.
As for adopting, I suppose some families yearn to expand their lives and hearts with unloved children from other cultures. If they have the resources to help a child, then that’s great, even if they are celebrities who get some publicity. If people can’t or don’t want to adopt, then that’s okay, too. That’s the life they’re creating for themselves.
October 25th, 2006 at 5:16 pm
Sometimes giving makes me feel real good. So I do it. A lot.
People should do it more too. Particularly expensive purses to my address.
October 25th, 2006 at 5:46 pm
I love that episode. Most religions teach that to do for others is the only true way to enlightenment and yet now you can’t do good and feel good.
October 25th, 2006 at 6:24 pm
Oh my God, can I somehow turn this into a letter of recommendation for the producers of Friends when I go to apply for a tv writing job in LA? “Mothergoosemouse says my post reminds her of Friends!”
I love your take on this…of course. Far better thought out than my little rant. In fact, you’re making me look bad.
October 25th, 2006 at 6:48 pm
I agree, Julie. BUt I also think it’s a good goal–to do something selflessly. Maybe it doesn’t happen very often–it’s human nature to fend for yourself first–but it’s still something to shoot for. I think we so often miss that mark, and maybe that’s where all the criticism comes from. We are suspicious when other people do something good, since we have failed to do the same ourselves, so we sniff out the fault, we say–HEY! She’s not doing that just to be nice, she’s getting something out of it, too! Human nature again.
This post is a great reminder of all the good that comes, no matter the motive.
October 25th, 2006 at 7:48 pm
I never really thought of it this way. But you and Joey do have a good point. I hope I can teach my kids to do the right thing because it’s the right thing… an hey, guess what — it feels good to do the right thing (OK, most of the time).
October 25th, 2006 at 8:08 pm
Well said. If it makes you feel good to do good…isn’t that a win-win situation?
October 25th, 2006 at 8:32 pm
If you take away the feeling good part of doing good, I’m fairly certain a lot less people would do good things. That said, I’m okay with people being motivated by feeling good about doing good. Whatever works! Great post
October 25th, 2006 at 8:51 pm
Great point Julie! Whatever floats your boat, as long as the good deed is being done, this world would be a much better place.
October 25th, 2006 at 8:56 pm
Well, let’s see…perhaps people are skeptical that Madonna, (the maven of all things material and one who celebrates offending people for a buck, not to mention ye who lives in the celebrity bubble of narcissism and wrote a book about a little girls who’s peers were jealous of her being she was so beautiful), is adopting David out for pure altruistic reasons.
I mean, all this peace and love crap is fun until someone gets hurt.
Count me as one of those who finds it hard to take Madonna seriously. I’m not ashamed to say it. Yes, I think Madonna’s nannies are gonna raise that kid, just as they were the ones to pick him up and not his “mother”. I’m not going to apologize for finding it hard to believe that he will be treated like his brother and sister when he is a teenager. I can’t wait until the book comes out. You know he’s going to write a book when he’s old enough and my prediction is that it won’t inlclude what a great mother Madonna was. I could be wrong, a lot of women who get crucified on stage and have orgies for sex books are awesome mothers. I shouldn’t be so cynical!
I think people have the right to be cynical, if they are wrong, then allow them to be pleasantly surprised because if he/she is right, then it is them (the cynics) who are truly altruistic. Always looking for a more ideal solution…
“It’s hard to argue against cynics – they always sound smarter than optimists because they have so much evidence on their side.” — Molly Ivins
October 25th, 2006 at 11:43 pm
Thought -provoking, thanks. I also send carfuls of stuff to Goodwill every year, in the hopes that it will help others while also making our home simpler. I don’t usually bother with garage sales, because it won’t bring in that much money, and local charities could benefit instead. Both self-interest and caring for others at the same time.
On the celeb adoption front: It’s difficult to know all of the truth of a situation when it it concerns even a friend or someone close to you. I think it’s impossible to know all the truth when it concerns someone famous, where there is big money to be made in blowing one part of a story out of proportion.
October 26th, 2006 at 7:14 am
It would be wonderful if people did things to help each other just because they should, but if people decide to help others because it makes them feel good, that is great too. If we all just tried to help each other the best that we could without thinking about what we could get in return, imagine what a great place this world would be to live in. I am eyeing a book that talks about how little changes people make can make a huge difference when enough people make them. It is on my wishlist and I am hoping to get it for Christmas.
October 26th, 2006 at 10:54 am
This debate has always intrigued me – I’m not a big fan of the whole egotism theory, you know the whole Ayn Rand thing, because then it’s NEVER good to do good. I guess I approach it more from the intention than the outcome.
I think a lot of people don’t realize that kids in Africa and a lot of caribbean countries who are in orphanages will NEVER get adopted, because adoption is seen as tabu in many places. So they just spend their lives in orphanages. I say good for Madonna for trying to help. And using her celebrity to bring the need for adoption to the fore.
October 26th, 2006 at 12:26 pm
That episode was just on the other night.
I’m torn on the issue. Yes, On one hand, Good for you Madonna, go help a kid. On the other hand, Oh, Madge, what are you up now?
October 26th, 2006 at 12:59 pm
Brava! Beautifully said as always. And I thoroughly enjoyed that episode of Friends as well. I remember thinking, “Well when you put it that way!!”
October 26th, 2006 at 6:46 pm
I think I’d feel good if my proposed adoption of Suri goes through.
October 26th, 2006 at 6:50 pm
err… that last post was not Julie. Sorry for any misleading. It was I, Fathergoosemouse
October 26th, 2006 at 7:32 pm
In Six Degrees of Separation when the father is oozing over the main character’s status as the son of Lawrenece Olivier, the mother says, “Come, Flan, let’s not be star-fuckers.”
I consider this post social commentary. It’s wholly different from the way, way, way too much obsession with what Hollywood actors do, and the scrutiny of the rather mundane details of their lives. Put down the People mindmeatloaf and go live a life of your own. Damn.
October 27th, 2006 at 2:01 am
I think, at the center of most celeb adoptions, is a core of guilt. “I have all this money…I should do some good with it.” Adopting a child from a third world country is one good way to spend some of that arguably not so hard earned cash. But I don’t want to be a total cynic. I adopted my two sons because I wanted to raise a family and my ovaries didn’t cooperate in doing it the standard way. It makes me a tad angry when people comment on our adoptions and say that we’re wonderful or special for doing it. I’m not special because I started my family through adoption…so I sure hope celebs like Madonna or Angelina aren’t doing it out of a desire to look “wonderful” or “special” or “saintly” to the rest of us. I’m just a mom like any other, but Madonna isn’t “just” anything. I hope that boy has a good life even if there IS a chance she adopted for the wrong reasons.