Set a good example
This post may make many of us uncomfortable. We may see ourselves – our own marriages or our parents’ marriages – in these truths. Hard truths about the examples we may be setting for our children – both our sons and our daughters – about how men should treat women, and how women should allow themselves to be treated by men.
Disrespectful behavior on the part of men starts when they are little boys, observing the way their parents (or primary caregivers) treat each other.
Conversely, submissive behavior on the part of women starts when they are little girls – again, observing the way their parents (or primary caregivers) treat each other.
Other male and female figures in their lives – such as step-parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, coaches, and peers – also have an impact, to be sure. But it’s the primary caregivers who set the main examples that children learn to follow.
I don’t have to look far to find heartbreaking examples of men and women treating each other poorly. While True Wife Confessions has its share of “he leaves his dirty socks in the oven” kind of complaints (which also show disrespect and a serious lack of hygiene), the confessions describing true mistreatment concern me not only from the perspective of the wife’s health and well-being, but that of the children as well.
The father (or father figure) teaches his sons that this is how to treat women. He teaches his daughters that this is how men will treat them.
The mother (or mother figure) who accepts such treatment teaches her daughters that this is how they should expect to be treated. She teaches her sons that this is how women will expect to be treated.
Even when children start school, visit classmates’ homes, interact with teachers and coaches, see that not everyone behaves as their parents do, old habits die hard. Intermittent examples are not likely to overcome the examples set at home, day in and day out.
Mistreatment doesn’t necessarily have to be blatant physical or emotional abuse. Insidious mistreatment, such as a basic lack of respect, becomes the norm for children who see it every day.
It’s no wonder that women are angry. I can understand the rage at being mistreated – you can see it in the confessions posted at True Wife Confessions – and I’m sure I’d feel it too if Kyle were beating me up or calling me names or even just leaving his socks in the oven. We’re not perfect by any means, but we endeavor to always treat each other with respect.
Don’t just tell your children how to behave. Show them. Help them grow into adults who will treat other adults – men, women, black, white, gay, straight – with respect and dignity, by treating people – especially your spouse and children – that way as well.
October 5th, 2006 at 2:38 pm
Yes, yes, YES. Well said, Julie. Well said.
October 5th, 2006 at 2:49 pm
I think you hit on why I personally hate all the shit with my own husband. Not because he’s an ass, but because I’m setting a shitty example by putting up with it. However, I think it’s good for her to see us disagree, and make up.
I don’t submit, nor will she ever see him give me a mouthful without getting one back, but certainly, I do believe women are responsible for setting an example as to how we want to be treated. It’s not just about teaching our kids BUT showing them and asking for it FOR our own selves as well.
My post is coming…
October 5th, 2006 at 3:08 pm
That site truly makes me weep. I am fortunate to have a strong healthy marriage to a truly wonderful man. I hope that our respectful and kind treatment of one another will lead to them having healthy, enduring relationships of their own.
I do worry however, about how our traditional marriage is effecting their perception of gender roles. I do the lion’s share of the domestic chores, errand running and child care tasks because I am home all day. My rarely does laundry, or mops a floor, not because he can’t or won’t, but because it’s not necessary for him to do so. He does cook quite a bit, so I have that. But I am concerned that my boys seem to think I am here simply to take care of them. They need to know that their dad and I take care of each other, but the things that Husband does are a little less visible to them.
However, they do see that we are a true partnership, with neither one of us having authority over the other.
Great topic, AGAIN. Where are you coming up with this stuff? I have been in a real slump and all my material has focused on my kids lately. Thanks.
)
October 5th, 2006 at 3:27 pm
Oh, how I love this post.
One thing I can’t stand – CANNOT STAND – is when truly unhappy/angry spouses stay together “for the sake of the kids”. HATE it. They don’t realize they’re setting up a whole other generation of unhappy/angry marriages.
My brother is in a marriage just like this…as were my parents. I’m willing to admit that’s probably 90% of why I never want to get married – because I saw and now see how shitty it gets (or, can, at least). I’d never want to do that to another human…let alone a child!
So yeah. Amen, sistah. AMEN.
October 5th, 2006 at 4:43 pm
My spiritual guidebook, A Course in Miracles, says “Everyone teaches, and teaches all the time.”
Beyond all our words and ideas, it is ultimately our actions that truly matter.
October 5th, 2006 at 6:11 pm
You know, Julie, I sometimes struggle with what comes into my inbox with TWC – wanting to zip off emails to women, remind them that they have choices, better choices than those they are living.
But I never do. I think that I compensate for that by writing unadulterated honesty into my other blogs – to set an example by sharing the difficulty of marriage, or motherhood, without lapsing into a “victim” ideology.
It is my hope that voices like ours – honest, strong, true, resonate with other women. Help them to see that there are homes in which mothers and fathers are equals, and love each other despite the difficulties.
October 5th, 2006 at 7:41 pm
I’ve been with you right along throught the original post and these follow ups. This one clarifies things for me because I have been chewing on what Mad Hatter wrote about sexual assault. I have never equated the absence of violent behavior toward women with feminism. In my mind, misogyny is more than just the other side of the coin.
October 5th, 2006 at 8:37 pm
Yes. YES.
October 6th, 2006 at 6:17 am
My parents’ generation was one of the dominant/submissive variety. It’s a terrible example for a child…boy or girl. Thankfully, I decided I deserved better. My husband’s parents were/are the same way and he (and both of his brothers) do not conduct their marriages in thie fashion. We are 60/40….and we each take turns being the 60 or the 40 because 50/50 is impossible all of the time. I can only hope that the example we set for our sons is one that helps them make a sane and loving decision about whom to spend the rest of their lives. Thank you for this post.
October 6th, 2006 at 6:34 am
I love that you wrote this because it is all so true. I have friends that are staying together for their kids, and it just stinks to sit here with the knowledge that they are constantly behaving in disrespectful ways to each other and the kids are watching every minute of it. This is a great post! To me it seems like common sense to treat everyone you meet with respect and especially the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with!
October 6th, 2006 at 8:46 am
Well put. And yes, it does hit a bit too close to home.
October 6th, 2006 at 8:55 am
Totally agree, talk is meaningless without action.
October 6th, 2006 at 9:23 am
Learn by example, absolutely. Well said.
October 6th, 2006 at 2:11 pm
Julie,
I respect your right to NOT identify as a Feminist. But. I have to tell you that you SOUND like a Feminist to me. NOT a Feminazi – not a man hater – not a bra burner – just a feminist that will raise strong, capable, loving women.
But again, I won’t ever call you one!
Best,
OTJ
October 6th, 2006 at 4:24 pm
Excellent. I’m struggling to overcome my own “parent issues” and trying to forge my own independent path…this post really resonated with me.
October 7th, 2006 at 5:33 am
I’m totally going to make Victor read this. It’s so easy to forget how those flippant, passive-aggressive responses to each other can leave such a lasting impression on a child.
October 7th, 2006 at 6:51 pm
Nicely written. The kids do see everything. Not that that makes it any easier to figure out what to do sometimes….
October 7th, 2006 at 7:24 pm
I love it. Preach it sistah. Keep putting it out there. Healthy confidence and love. Live it. Display it. Pass it down.
October 10th, 2006 at 8:01 am
these are smart and true observations. relative to part 2 of this series and the suggestion that both your father and husband would snort/laugh at the idea of being called a feminist, and per your position in part 3, i wonder if this example (paternal more than spousal) is part of the reason why you are so reluctant to call yourself one.