Being passionately feminist without being feminazi
I’m honored to present a post by my friend and fellow parenting blogger, Catherine of Her Bad Mother. Catherine’s piece details why she considers herself a feminist. I have taken the opposite stance, and you can read about why I don’t consider myself a feminist at her blog, where she’s posted my piece.
Once, a long time ago, some guy called me a feminazi.
It was in Philosophy 100, my very first philosophy class, and we were arguing certain questions raised by Plato’s Republic: are women naturally weaker than men? Are women limited by their biology? Is biology destiny? The guys in the class were enjoying the argument.
I was not. I was pissed off. My cheeks were flushed and I’m sure that my voice was reaching a girly pitch. I insisted that the argument was not that all women are weaker than all men; some women are weaker than some men, but some men are weaker than some women. There might be some women among the ‘best’ of society, I said; Plato doesn’t deny that possibility. I said, you can’t judge the capabilities of a human being on the basis of their sex.
Buddy was all, like, I don’t care what you say, women are weaker than men. I could beat any of you girls in a race or in a fight.
A girlfriend of mine - six foot plus tall in her Doc Martens - stood up and loomed over his scrawny person and said, you can’t beat me. I’m all girl, and I’ll kick your ass, because I’m stronger. And then - she paused and gestured to me - she’ll explain to you again how you misunderstood Plato, because she’s smarter. Case closed.
The class laughed, and Buddy fell silent. Later, as we stood outside smoking, he said: the two of you, you’re feminazis. We smiled at each other smugly. Damn fucking right.
Fast forward a few years: I had a couple of degrees under my belt, better shoes and the sheen has worn off of my idealism. I was well read in the feminist literature – I could (can) wax philosophic on everyone from Wollstonecraft to Greer to Mackinnon to Butler and beyond – but if you asked me if I was a feminist, I’d say no. I’d say no fucking way. I’d say, I’m not interested in viewing ideas, culture, politics, the world through a feminist lens. I’m not interested in dwelling upon the zillion and one ways that I’m oppressed. I’m not interested in hearing about how I - white and privileged - oppress other women. I’m sick and fucking tired of oppression this and oppression that and wither empowerment. I don’t like it.
I like shoes. I like shopping. I like men.
I’m a person, not just a woman. Don’t judge me on the basis of my sex, and I won’t judge you.
I would have listed all of these reasons and then I would have said: I’m not a feminist. That’s what I would have told you, had you asked me, a year ago, two years ago, if I was a feminist. Then I had WonderBaby.
When I had WonderBaby, the world changed. All of a sudden, the world reverted back to the place that it was when I was twenty years old and full of piss and vinegar and shod in Fleuvog Angels – a place full of guys like Buddy who thought that I was weaker because I was a girl. A place where my daughter will be judged on the basis of her sex. A place where she’ll feel pressure to play with Bratz dolls instead of Mecano sets, where she’ll be expected to be better at reading and writing than at arithmetic, where no-one will expect her to be a scientist or a mathematician or an astronaut.
A place where she’ll be expected to like shoes and shopping, and where she will become defined and limited by that expectation.
This makes me angry. This rouses the latent warrior feminist in me – it makes me want to stand up and yell and holler about equality and empowerment and beat down all of the Buddies in the world. It makes me want to be a feminazi again.
And this concerns me, because it was that whole yelling/hollering/combative thing that turned me off of feminism in the first place. I don’t want to raise my daughter in a climate of resentment; I don’t want her to view the world as hostile to her sex, nor men as the enemy. I want her to find a balance: I want her to love her femininity, whatever that femininity means to her, and I want her embrace the fact that she is a woman.
I want her to be a feminist in the most positive sense of the word: I want her to love and embrace all that it means to be a woman. I want her to feel powerful, as a woman, regardless of the path or paths she chooses; I want her to know that she can be powerful as a ballerina, an astronaut, a nurse, a doctor, a philosopher - any or all of these things, and as a mommy. I want her to know that there is immeasurable value in being a woman, no matter what life she chooses. And that she should support other women in the lives that they choose.
I want her to know that she can be passionately feminist without being feminazi.
And I’m going to show her what that looks like.
This month we’re doing a series of debates on issues that matter. Click here for the other op-ed pieces (and their opposing sides) today. And if you’d like to participate next month, send an email to kmei26 at yahoo.com.
October 1st, 2006 at 10:38 am
To me, that’s what gets to the heart of feminism… supporting other women in their choices, even if we don’t agree with them. It’s not always easy, but I like to think I try.
October 1st, 2006 at 11:23 am
seriously…don’t EVER let your daughter play with brats. they are super skanky.
October 1st, 2006 at 11:32 am
Amen, sister. I recall the same debate in philosphy 1b06, an 8:30 class in my first year of university, and i don’t recall many other things from that class that year (too much of the newfound freedom + cheap booze combination).
October 1st, 2006 at 11:39 am
Holy Hannah….me fucking too. Awesome post. I wrote something similar a while back, and there was a bit of a stir, mostly over the title. You expressed it much better than I did. Bravo.
October 1st, 2006 at 12:17 pm
Yes. Thank you.
Yell it loud.
October 1st, 2006 at 6:12 pm
‘feminazi’ is *such* a terrible term! because it has been mobilized (nay, invented) by those who wish to discredit the movement, because it plays fast and loose with a racist ideological system, because it plays into one of the more damning assumptions of a world that needs feminism - which is to say, a woman who is loud, aggressive, assertive, demanding is a bitch/nazi/shrew insert term of choice here.
i am raising my daughter with the intent of living feminist ideals and explainign to her that they are just that - feminist ideals and not humanist ideals - because we live in a world that does not as yet (2006!!!) see women as equally valuable humans - the term human simply does not apply equally. more importantly, i hope to raise her to believe that there is no such thing as a ‘feminazi.’ there is combative, there is begrudging, there is unforgiving, and these are all terms that apply to discreet individuals. there is not, however, such a category as feminazi. there is being a feminist - i hope she owns it and claims it and makes it her own, as her mother has.
October 1st, 2006 at 6:16 pm
enjoyed this very much.
Lisa
October 1st, 2006 at 7:46 pm
Exactly. God, exactly. I got so sick of the ranting and complaining too, the trappings and conventions of the whole thing, which seem to have taken on a life of their own. In that, I think Julie is right too, that the ideal has in some ways become separate from the face of the movement. (of course when I say “movement,” it’s a bit simplistic in itself, given how fractured and factionalized the whole thing has become!)
I think it’s been easy for me to hold to the ideals, having been brought up by the mother I had, in the way I was, being married to the man I married, having the friends I have… We are none of us the kind of neoconservative women abhorred by feminists. So while I think about the crap pumpkinpie might face and feel that anger too, I know that by having internalized the ideal and the possibilities pretty thoroughly myself and living how I wanted to withut apology to feminists or to traditionalists, I’ve been able to do it how I want, to find a balance of feminist and feminine that works for me.
I hope I can provide that same kind of environment for her, let her know from the get-go that anything is possible, that she can be whatever she is, whoever she is, that there will be be people who disapprove no matter what path she takes, but that she can’t let those people drag her down. I hope that she will have conviction, that she will be ready to fight when she needs to, shrug off the little things, question herself when it seems warranted, but mostly, to know her own worth deep down. That to me is what I hope feminism could be boiled down to for day-to-day living.
October 1st, 2006 at 8:26 pm
Brava! Beautifully said, HBM. I’m all for balance. And nonjudgment. And supporting other women. ESPECIALLY these women of the future. Thank you for sharing this.
October 1st, 2006 at 8:38 pm
My mom is one of the toughest, smartest, most ambitious people I know. She wanted to be a geologist or a meteorologist, and she was thwarted because she was just a girl. So instead she worked her way from 1st grade teacher to university president. She’s a feminist and so am I.
October 1st, 2006 at 9:25 pm
Way to go Mama! That was very well written!
October 1st, 2006 at 11:03 pm
i think the most important point of both your posts, to me, is the bit about choice. i plan to be a stay-at-home mom, and i’ve been told multiple times by my future mother-in-law that i’m setting back the feminist movement, throwing away everything “her generation” did for me. i’ve told her that i greatly appreciate what she and others like her did, because they provided me with choices and opportunities. but shouldn’t i be able to make my own choices from those options now open to me, and shouldn’t she trust me enough to know what’s right for me? i’m embracing the role i think is best for me, and i don’t think i should be judged any more harshly because that role is a mother than if that role were CEO or physicist or construction worker.
great posts, both of you.
October 2nd, 2006 at 7:37 am
Feminazi…by this loser’s definition simply means that we become stridently insistent when making the case for our equality. Men like that guy are part of the human race who enjoy spouting off shit without thinking. They’re nature’s equivalent of the guy who uses two parking spaces for his precious sports car or truck. He’d rather take more than is his right if it keeps the next person from partaking equally. Back in the previous centuries, men like this supported laws which made the notion of equality illegal and they attended churches which preached the immorality of women in leadership roles. When neither succeeded in convincing us to stay in our places, men like this stood on the street corner and slung names at us. All it means is that we won’t back down. And they’re right. We haven’t and we won’t. Thanks for a great post.
October 2nd, 2006 at 8:14 am
the latent warrior feminist - dont you think that every woman has that in her somewhere? Some find it early and some maybe never, but that spirit of the warrior, that’s what really drives feminism. That desire to fight for recognition, equal opportunities, respect. Well said.
October 2nd, 2006 at 9:33 am
Well said! I have been adamantly anti-feminist, eventhough I agree with most feminists, because I have not wanted to be included in the “feminazis”. And I do think that some people take it too far and want not only equality for women, but superiority over men. But you have given me a lot to think about - that you can be strongly feminist and strong without going overboard. I don’t have a daughter, but I want to raise The Boy with the awareness and sensitivity to not only think of women as his equals, but to never think that they could be anything less.
Mmm, Fluevog Angels. I miss those days…
October 2nd, 2006 at 10:48 am
Fantastic! Thank you!
October 2nd, 2006 at 11:17 am
Funny, watching my big girl I am hyper aware of her place in this world, the place she takes in this world and how she perceives it.
She takes so much for granted that I had to fight for.
She just assumes that gender divisions are fairly non issues. She is blase about the fact that love has nothing to do with colour, race and gender.
I love the paragraph that begins with ‘I want her to be a feminist….’. That can stand on its own.
October 2nd, 2006 at 2:49 pm
my feminist has mutated too–although i’ve would never had said “i am not a feminist” over the last decade or so, my engagement with feminism has significantly increased over the last few years–and yes, becoming a mother has played a significant part. like you say, you are forced to re-examine the world from the eyes of someone just beginning to figure it out. and there are the “bratz” dolls, and the eating disorders, and the double standards. i hate that my son will soon reject his love of angelina ballerina because it’s a “girl thing” (he’s already told me that “Dora is for girls” but he still says his favorite color is purple….) As you know, when I discovered that #2 is a boy, this also gave me pause to reflect on what this meant. What kind of boys would I be raising? how can i imbue respect for both genders without being polemical?
But you know what else has got me re-engaged? this very community has given me more food for thought on these issues than anything academic over the last decade. for me, it’s like watching feminism be reborn, it’s *happening* again. which is utterly unfair, because it’s not gone anywhere–but this blogging venue and the conversations it fosters are deeply inspiring to me. this is one reason i call myself a “mommyblogger”–as a political and deeply feminist gesture.
interesting that the “mommy” and the “blogger” in me has helped me find the feminist once more. no longer frothing at the mouth or interested in reductive debates over biology, but interested in fostering community, change, and open debate.
thanks HBM and MG for taking this on. Kristen–see the part above about “fostering community, change, and open debate”–that’s you, lady. awesome job.
October 2nd, 2006 at 3:49 pm
I lurve this post, with the same passion with which I hate the term Feminazi.
I hate seeing it because to me it not only uses Rush’s hate speech, but perpetuates the idea that radical militant feminists bear some sort of relationship to Nazis–a majority party who perpetrated the most horrible crimes against minority groups. Maybe feminists should be compared to Black Panthers?
October 2nd, 2006 at 4:13 pm
I can’t believe that I commented in the wrong space - meant to weigh in HERE, on this discussion, but posted THERE (my space) on the other discussion, which is of course related, but still…
I hope that it’s clear that my use of feminazi here is *critical* - as I said in the comments chez moi, I wanted to make a point about how it is used from the p.o.v. of anger and hate - which I think (I hope obviously) that we need to reject, both in its use by feminist ‘haters’ and by women who are put off by feminism. I’d like to think that there are good, inclusive variations on ‘warrior feminism’ - because I think that there are times when we need that productive, positive warrior spirit…
October 2nd, 2006 at 4:21 pm
Agree 100% with what Catherine said about “feminazi”. It symbolizes hate - on the part of those who oppose feminism (in any of its incarnations) and sadly, also on the part of those women who denounce other women who don’t fit the prescribed agenda.
October 2nd, 2006 at 9:23 pm
Let’s all promise from here on out not to use the word feminazi again.. how I cringe to see Rush Limbaugh’s word used against ourselves…. In any event, HBM, well said. I appreciate the many reasons why you balked at feminism for awhile and then returned. Like any movement or group effort to increase possibilities for girls AND boys, feminism is a worthy endeavor. You can call me a ‘feminist’ or a ‘hippie’ or a ’stupid mommy blogger’… but what it boils down to is that I want my daughters (all three of them — PHEW!!) to feel strong and positive about themselves, their bodies, and their choices. I want my nephews (all 5 of them) to feel strong and positive about themselves too… The future will tell whether my nephews or my daughters will have a harder row to hoe.
October 3rd, 2006 at 10:03 am
The nutty thing about being against feminism is that feminism gives MEN more choices, too. When women are free to use all their talents and abilities, doors open for men, too.
For instance, my 87 year old dad thinks it is insane that there are 3 male elementary school teachers in his neighborhood. He is not used to the idea - younger people are. Those men had a choice that wasn’t nearly as accepted before feminism.
My nephews are free to cuddle and snuggle and spend significant amounts of time on infant care. In my dad’s day, that was unheard of.
Feminism is a good deal all around. The only thing it is AGAINST is oppression and inequality for EVERYONE. Tell me again how that is bad, because I don’t get the argument against.
October 3rd, 2006 at 5:22 pm
Amen, Suebob!!
October 3rd, 2006 at 9:04 pm
I’m a bit unsettled with the “Feminist Movement”. For me, all the research I’ve done on feminism leads me to believe that many times some women are feminists due to political agendas and that irks me.
I agree with a women’s right to choice — in all matters except abortion. People will argue with me and call me names and everything that goes along with that. And I don’t care, life is life.
We can choose jobs, education, shoes, nail polish colors, but choosing to terminate life is a non-negotiable for me.
But I do agree with you on the gender bias: A person shouldn’t be judged by her sex. That is something that bothers me a great deal.
October 3rd, 2006 at 9:20 pm
You go, girl! I mean woman! You said it very, very well.
October 4th, 2006 at 12:44 pm
I totally agree with your post, and Suebob’s and Joy’s comments as well. I also embrace the term feminist, and have since I first learned it. Knowing that I’m part of a larger, worldwide movement has been inspiring to me even though I know every group will have its elements you might not agree with, and it is inherently risky to ally oneself with a group of people (what if they do something I disagree with and that might embarrass me ‘cause I’m associated with them???).
Still and all, I consider being a member of a larger group of like-minded people as positive. I have never understood people who agree with feminist goals but who are afraid to call themselves as such (that includes the matching post to this one whose arguments didn’t convince me at all). Why do I get the feeling that some women don’t self-identify as feminists because they’re afraid people might not like them or think they’re something they’re not??? Why do women care so much about whether strangers like them or agree with them??? I would like feminism to rectify this.
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:41 am
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