The one and only sofa king
Thursday night’s debacle confirms it. I cannot cook.
Don’t misread: I didn’t say that “I don’t like to cook”, “I’m not good at cooking”, “I’m a lousy cook”, or any other permutation to that effect.
I.
CANNOT.
COOK.
As you may have read before, Kyle’s the cook in this house. He may be messy, but he’s damn good at it. I, on the other hand, have trouble heating up a frozen pizza.
I can bake. At least, I COULD bake when I wasn’t at high altitude. I’m working on it.
Kyle’s latest schedule dictates that he work late two nights a week. Tired of Lean Cuisine and PB&J, I decided to strike out on my own. I bought a package of pre-made stuffed Orange Roughy and prepared a baked potato just as I’ve seen Kyle do it.
I even tried to time it properly. I popped the foil-wrapped potato into the toaster oven twenty minutes before I popped the fish into the real oven.
Kyle came home early. I told him that the fish would serve two, but that I only had one potato in the oven. He said he wasn’t that hungry anyway. Such confidence in my cooking skills.
I had set the timer for the high end of the cooking time recommended for the fish. I pulled it out, placed part of it on a plate for Kyle and handed it to him.
He took a bite and gagged.
Okay, not really. He’s too polite for that. But he did say that it didn’t taste good.
I took it back and tried a bite myself. It wasn’t even lukewarm. Cold rubbery fish. Only good in sushi.
I popped it back into the oven and took a stab – literally – at the baked potato. Nearly raw.
Kyle suggested that I nuke the potato for a few minutes before “baking” it. Fine.
After nuking the potato, I stuck everything back in the respective ovens for another fifteen minutes. To hell with it; burn everything.
The fish was still rubbery, the potato was still dry, and I gave up.
Lean Cuisine it was, and Lean Cuisine it forever shall be.
September 30th, 2006 at 9:19 am
Oh, sister. I am SOOOOO with you. As I ate my ravioli from the plastic package and the sauce from the jar this week…(Terrance was in NYC)
Thank GOD for men who cook.
September 30th, 2006 at 10:06 am
Heheh! Sounds like me trying to cook. I attempted to make “ole mac” the other night – basically noodles, beef, salsa, sour cream & cheese….and that’s IT. It takes 15 minutes.
After I made it, I was all “hmmm, somethin’ ain’t right.” And then realized I’d forgotten both the sour cream AND the cheese. I forgot nearly HALF of the ingredients.
*sigh*
I love pizza delivery.
September 30th, 2006 at 11:38 am
I WISH Jeff knew how to cook. I would give anything for a delicious home cooked meal that I didn’t have to prepare every once in a while. At least he’s not averse to going out to dinner a lot.
September 30th, 2006 at 11:53 am
Wow. I’ve been feeling bad because I haven’t been on my bike in 5 years, but today’s post has perked me right up! I’m my own worst food critic, but at least I do edible.
September 30th, 2006 at 12:08 pm
My husband does the cooking in our house too! Although I have certain dishes I can cook, he is much better at it than me. The one time I cooked fish, after taking several bites, we noticed the bugs. Apparently, you are suppose to store your paprika in a seal tight jar; it attracts bugs. How was I suppose to know that? At least they were cooked and not still alive, right?
September 30th, 2006 at 12:10 pm
i don’t cook either. i supposed i could, but i don’t want too. i don’t enjoy it. i would rather bake. brownies, cupcakes, cookies, candy.. you name it.. if it’s junkfood, i’ll make it! lol
September 30th, 2006 at 12:29 pm
Well. Yup. I think you’ve proved yourself right there. Chocolate mousse for everyone!
September 30th, 2006 at 5:55 pm
I’m in the same boat as you. My husband cooks and I do the baking. My mom, who never taught her daughters how to cook because she was horrible at it herself, raised two savvy girls: I married a man who dables in gourmet cooking and my sister married a chef. Yep, mama didn’t raise no dummies.
September 30th, 2006 at 6:50 pm
Oh sorry. I am a failure at fish. But pasta….thats a different story. You don’t have to be good at cooking, I am sure you are good at everything else…
September 30th, 2006 at 10:00 pm
I am the Queen of Take-Away… we are on a first name basis with the Thai, Indian and Mexican places… sad.
I can’t really bake either… I always end up forgetting until I smell something burning.
October 1st, 2006 at 9:57 am
I fucked up a frozen pizza last night. I swear. And I wrote a cookbook.
October 1st, 2006 at 11:28 am
I do recall conversing about this fish before you popped it in the oven. Did I not tell you that we had plenty of lasagne for you if it didn’t turn out? Huh? Huh?
I will second that you make a good chocolate mousse. You also do well with baking cookies. This proves that you can at least function in the kitchen.
BTW, I do cook, and I don’t even attempt fish. My culinary abilities of the marine variety involve canned tuna, a jar of gefilte or throwing some fish sticks in the oven for the kids. Anything beyond that gets delegated to Travis.
Stacey
October 1st, 2006 at 4:53 pm
See, you get it. Some of us really can’t cook. I don’t know why, we just can’t. My mother-in-law keeps insisting that cooking (and being crafty) just takes practice, but no somethings can’t be taught.
October 1st, 2006 at 8:34 pm
I think I hold my own in the cooking department, but it’s such a CHORE figuring out what to fix. I don’t enjoy it. I live for the weekends when Allan is home. In fact, I suddenly become highly creative in the days just before he arrives… I create this long list of foods for him to make us.
October 2nd, 2006 at 1:01 pm
I’m so with you. Except that I’m not even trying at this point.
It’s all take-out for us.
Poor Hailey.
October 2nd, 2006 at 2:29 pm
I’m with ya! Thank God for men who cook. Josh went out of town for a few days and we ate cereal the entire time. I finally went to the in-laws on the last day because another meal of Fruit Loops wasn’t going to cut it. *lol*
October 3rd, 2006 at 8:17 am
But you tried! A+ for effort.
October 3rd, 2006 at 9:28 am
I’m so there with ya!
I had Lean Cuisine too last night, while Mark and
the kids dined on the delicacy of Chicken Nuggets
and mac-n-cheese.
October 3rd, 2006 at 12:09 pm
You made the effort to offer a home cooked meal. That’s what counts. And I’m with you, too. My husband LOVES to cook. Me, not so much. I really try and I have mastered the grill and can even grill chicken! (she types with pride) But I’ve been known to leave saran wrap on things in the oven. (which means you essentially have melted plastic in your food) Awesome.
October 3rd, 2006 at 12:47 pm
Ahhh! I love it! Your linked post was way too funny. Someone needs a pizza stone…
Loved your post over at HBM, by the way.