Celebrating in spirit
Today, my grandmother is having her ninetieth birthday party.
She actually turned ninety back in March, but our family has never been bound by dates. We party when the time is right.
My aunt told me that Gran has been scouring her address book and her long memory to come up with dozens of people to invite. People are coming from all over the local Dayton area and from all the way across the country – some people whom she hasn’t seen since my grandfather died in 1999 (when we had a backyard cookout instead of a funeral), and some people whom she hasn’t seen in decades.
We cannot be there. Gas prices being what they are, the cost of airfare for three seats (CJ is still a lap child) is out of reach in itself. Add in the time off work for Kyle (mid-month is his “month-end”), and it would be downright fiscally irresponsible.
But in honor of Granny’s birthday party, I have reprinted a piece that was originally published on Mommybloggers last February.
Happy birthday! We love you and will see you soon, one way or another.
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I love my grandmother. She is my only grandparent who is still living. As a child, I often told her, “Granny, I want you to live to be 100 years old!” She has ten years and one month to go.
I grew up only a ten-minute drive from the house where she and my grandfather lived. It’s also the house where my mother spent most of her childhood, along with her two younger sisters and younger brother. My grandparents moved into that house on Valentine’s Day in the mid-1940s, and every year we have celebrated by going out to dinner.
My grandmother has always been the ideal grandmother in my eyes. She is unfailingly indulgent, infinitely patient, and genuinely enjoys spending time with her grandchildren.
Gran would tear open a sleeve of Thin Mints and serve them on a plate, admonishing us that “the package is open, so you had better finish them.” She would warm up tray after tray of Morton’s frozen cinnamon doughnuts on Saturday mornings after we had spent the night. Gran’s motto is: “There’s always room for ice cream. It melts and fills in the cracks.” I never left her house empty-handed, or with an empty stomach.
As a child, I didn’t sleep well. I stayed up until all hours (watched Johnny Carson far more often than any child ever should have) and woke at the crack of dawn. My grandmother woke up with me, and even though she was rarely able to persuade me to go back to bed, she never became frustrated (or at least she never showed it).
She let me dictate what games we would play, let me ramble on and on about what I was doing at school, let me explore every inch of her house while she answered questions about whatever I discovered. She provided drawing paper and markers. She let me scribble on her bank deposit slips, pretending that I was writing checks. She took me on walks to the nearby shopping center, to the playground, to the “city building” (the city government complex), on the bus downtown to go shopping and out to lunch. I still remember that the toy department was on the 8th floor of Rikes, and she would always let me pick out a paper doll book. Then we would stop on the 1st floor on our way out to pick up some candy. Spearmint leaves were my favorite.
Even when I was no longer a child, I still visited regularly. My grandmother was always happy to see me, and her house was a welcome walk down memory lane. Gran had also become a staunch ally of mine, defending me when my behavior exasperated my parents.
In the fall of 1990, during the World Series, she and my grandfather were robbed at gunpoint in their home. It was obviously a terribly traumatic experience for them, and it apparently sparked cycles of manic-depressive behavior in my grandmother. She has been taking Prozac ever since, and my aunt, who is a RN, monitors her cycles closely and does her best to predict Gran’s highs and lows. Together, they manage the situation quite well.
When Gran is up, it’s as if she is in her sixties again. She can do anything. She wants to call her family and friends, get her hair done, go out for dinner, make grandiose plans to fly across the country to visit her great-granddaughters. She stays up half the night making fudge and puttering around the house. My father once nearly called the phone company to report an error on the phone bill – my mother couldn’t have called my grandmother and stayed on the phone with her for over 400 minutes, could she? According to my mother, she sipped her wine and went to the bathroom every hour or so, but most of the time was spent listening to my grandmother.
But when Gran is down, she sits. She doesn’t want to do anything. She doesn’t cry or become distraught; she simply disengages. It doesn’t matter what may be happening around her – nothing holds her interest.
We visited in July 2003 for a wedding on my father’s side of the family (who also lives in the area, but much farther away). When my aunt picked us up from the airport, she confessed that Gran was in the hospital. Apparently, her depression had become more severe, including a few episodes of outright paranoia, and it had been determined that she was better off in the hospital where her medication and her behavior could be monitored much more closely.
I was not prepared for what I saw in the hospital. It just wasn’t my grandmother. I had never seen her look so frail, nor had I ever heard her so incoherent. And I had never been so scared that I might lose my Granny.
(She remained in the hospital for a few weeks. My aunt came to visit her one day after work, and inexplicably, my grandmother was herself again. Completely. She had been moved to the psychiatric ward, unbeknownst to her, and she remarked quietly to my aunt that “some of these people just don’t seem right.”)
We visit her as often as it is feasible. I remember to tell her that I love her each time that I speak to her or write her a letter. I send her pictures of the girls. I listen with great interest when she reminisces, and I join in where I can. I want her to know how important she has been to me all my life. I want her to know how much I still love her and always will.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Granny. I love you.
August 12th, 2006 at 12:41 pm
Happy Birthday to your grandmother! What a milestone birthday! I remember reading this piece earlier this year and it’s a wonderful tribute. I love the photos of her with your girls.
August 12th, 2006 at 1:14 pm
Oh so beautiful! We just celebrated my Grandpa’s 90th birthday last month. He has a new girlfriend this year. At 90! Does that say anything about the person he is? Hopefully there will be many more (maybe even past 100?) to celebrate for both my grandfather, and your grandmother!
August 12th, 2006 at 3:38 pm
Happy belated birthday, granny! Reaching 90 is quite an achievement.
August 12th, 2006 at 3:45 pm
Happy Birthday to your Granny! I hope she has a great party. (My Great-Grandma lived to be 99) I heart Grandmas:)
August 12th, 2006 at 4:43 pm
This is beautiful Julie. I feel so privileged that my grandmother has gotten to know her great-granddaughter–and vice versa–for however much time Goddess and the Universe allows it. I understand your feelings entirely. A very happy bday to her. (I hope you’re printing this out and sending it to her!)
August 12th, 2006 at 5:46 pm
Julie, That is a beautiful testament to your grandmother. She sounds like a wise, loving, patient grandmother…much like both the grandmother’s I had growing up (they both passed away in recent years) It is so sad that she suffers from a post traumatic stress from that incident. But, she keeps on plugging…I wish you could be there for her birthday! Although, I heard BP just opened some of that pipeline in Alaska. The gas prices should come down a bit. I agree with mom 101…if you printed this out for her and sent it to her, that would be a wonderful B-day present.
August 12th, 2006 at 5:50 pm
Thank you for the well wishes. She does have a copy of the piece – when it was published on Mommybloggers, my aunt printed it for her. Gran told me that she reads it often.
August 12th, 2006 at 7:29 pm
I’m so sorry you can’t be there for the party. It’s wonderful that your Gran has a copy of this and enjoys it–there’s no better gift than that.
August 12th, 2006 at 7:40 pm
Happy Birthday, Gran! It’s really too bad that prices are so high and you can’t be with her to celebrate. She sounds like a wonderful woman.
August 12th, 2006 at 9:06 pm
fabulous! we should all be so lucky.
hope the affair is wonderful!
August 12th, 2006 at 9:54 pm
Aww, Happy Birthday to your wonderful Granny! I loved re-reading this post.
August 12th, 2006 at 11:10 pm
What a beautiful post. I love grandmas! Mine is turning 96 this year.
I’ve moved to http://www.muchmorethanamom.com
Come on over and check out my new look!
August 13th, 2006 at 9:15 am
Happy Birthday, Gran!
I love her! If only because of this…
“Gran would tear open a sleeve of Thin Mints and serve them on a plate, admonishing us that “the package is open, so you had better finish them.”
…but I’m sure for many other things too.
What an incredible role model for us newbies.
August 13th, 2006 at 2:16 pm
“There’s always room for ice cream. It melts and fills in the cracks.” I LOVE it. I might have to borrow that one. I hope her summer birthday celebration was a wonderful one. Thanks for sharing this!
August 13th, 2006 at 3:23 pm
90? How cool is that. I love that essay, Julie.
August 13th, 2006 at 3:28 pm
What a great post and your other entry at the Mommybloggers was excellent. I’m certain your grandmother is proud of you and loves you just as much (if not more) as you love her!
August 13th, 2006 at 4:50 pm
Wonderful post and happy birthday to your Grandma… so great!!!
August 13th, 2006 at 6:57 pm
You are so incredibly lucky. I can’t say that enough.
August 13th, 2006 at 7:29 pm
What a beautiful tribute to your Gandmother! Happy Birthday!
I love the ice cream “melts and fills the cracks” notion, too. What a wonderful Granny!
August 13th, 2006 at 11:54 pm
Beautiful. Everyone should get a grandmother like that. Happy 90th birthday to your Gran!
August 14th, 2006 at 5:29 am
I know from experience how hard it is to be so far from family members on special days so you have my sympathy. Happy Birthday to your Grandmother. She sounds like a very colorful lady!
August 14th, 2006 at 5:50 am
I love this. So, so beautiful. Reminds me of my won grandmother who I miss so much.
“It melts and fills the cracks.” Magical.
August 14th, 2006 at 7:05 am
I’m so moved by this. By what your Gran has been through, by what she means to you and what you mean to her.
Happy Birthday to your grandmother. Thank you for sharing this with us.
August 14th, 2006 at 7:25 am
That’s so fantastic that you are able to love her and appreciate her so much. I wish her a very happy birthday as well. ( There must be granny love floating around the universe- I wrote about mine this weekend too).
August 14th, 2006 at 8:24 am
I wish I’d had a chance to write about my Granny before she died. What a wonderful tribute. Happy Birthday to her!
August 14th, 2006 at 8:32 am
Best Birthday wishes to Gran!!!
August 14th, 2006 at 8:40 am
Happy Birthday to Granny…
So sorry that you could not get to the festivities… but from your wonderful tribute to her, you never left her…
The pictures were beautiful and love the line the ice cream fills in the cracks… will never see ice cream the same…
August 15th, 2006 at 2:07 pm
The photos of your grandmother with your girls are priceless. They will treasure them someday.
Lovely tribute Julie.
August 15th, 2006 at 4:34 pm
Happy Birthday to Grandma! My husbands grandmother just celebrated her 101th in February. She just gave up her boating license two years ago, and reluctantly agreed to give up her hunting license six years ago. (Some people apparently thought it was a little dangerous to let a 95-year old go around toting a rifle.)
(I’ve been away for awhile and am catching up. I love your new tagline. And I thought the fine art of Toddler Bartending was lost.)
August 15th, 2006 at 7:54 pm
Beautiful. Thanks for letting us share the day. The life!
August 17th, 2006 at 3:24 pm
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August 17th, 2006 at 8:41 pm
Fuck but I CANNOT stop crying today and this. just. did. me. in.
I love that you love your grandma. I miss mine.
August 18th, 2006 at 5:22 pm
Happy Birthday to your gran. I do remember this original post and it made me smile and cry the same way even the second time.