An officer and a lady
Women are so tough on one another. It starts when we are toddlers, and it never lets up. Dawn and Jenn recently posted about the inherent difficulties of female friendships, and both of their posts made me think of a post that I’ve had brewing for a while.
I’ve been through the same typical difficulties - being excluded, excluding others, having someone take my place, taking someone else’s place, losing friendships through relocation or neglect - and I can identify with just about any situation you can describe. Women are certainly catty, but I’ve had male friends turn on me so quickly that I would have sworn they had vaginas.
By far, the most difficult friend-making situation I’ve encountered was as a female junior military officer. Women in business can be competitive, sometimes viciously so. Women in the military can be competitive too, but in much less direct manner, as they are usually not competing with each other in a one-on-one situation (such as for a promotion). Instead, I found many of them to be distrustful of other female officers, and often downright unfriendly.
Being assigned to the Pentagon was exciting for me, especially as a junior officer who didn’t have to support a family and who had some pretty fantastic opportunities. I’ve been told that most officers try to avoid the Pentagon - it is rife with politics, the hours are long, and the cost of living in the local area is much more expensive than the areas surrounding most other military bases. Naturally, these factors can put everyone in a pretty foul mood. I enjoyed walking briskly down the halls and beaming at everyone who passed me. Sometimes people even smiled back.
The female officers assigned to my workcenter were not nearly as immediately friendly as I had expected they would be. Even the other junior female officers were a bit standoffish. I suppose that’s only natural to some degree; the situation was old and comfortable for them, new and intimidating for me, and let’s be honest - it’s always a bit entertaining to watch the newbie squirm.
It took me about a year, but I began to make good friends among my fellow junior female officers. Even with the more senior female officers in my workcenter, I built a good reputation and earned their trust and respect. One of them is still a good friend to this day, and she was directly or indirectly responsible for making possible some of the most amazing opportunities I enjoyed during my tenure there.
I had a more difficult time earning the trust and respect of the female officers on the Joint Staff with whom I worked closely. These women are the best and brightest - rising stars in their respective branches of service - and not inclined to look favorably upon a junior officer, especially when they have no insight into why I was selected for my position. For all they knew, I was sleeping with some political appointee or general officer. Don’t scoff - Monica Lewinsky worked in the Pentagon, and we all know what she was up to.
In particular, there was a female Army officer on the Joint Staff who remained suspicious of me for quite a while. I worked closely with one of the senior male officers in her same group, so while I didn’t work directly with her, I spent a great deal of time in that office. Eventually, the other senior officers asked me to play along in their weekly Friday morning darts for donuts challenge.
In darts for donuts, everyone took a turn throwing three darts at a dartboard located in the Colonel’s office. The conditions - which changed every week - were analogous to those encountered during bombing missions. Specifically, there was short range (throwing while standing at the threshold), long range (throwing while standing three feet back from the threshold), impaired (throwing with your opposite hand), and night bombing (throwing in complete darkness). The person with the lowest score had to buy, and the person with the second-lowest score had to “fly” (meaning, go down to the concourse and pick up everyone’s selections from the bakery).
While it was anyone’s game under the conditions of impaired and night bombing (sometimes we’d have to move the file cabinet out of the way in order to retrieve wayward darts, and more than a few times we had to pull them out of ceiling tiles), the female Army officer and I were usually the losers when it came to short and long range missions. Over the weeks and months, we bonded over our mutual lousiness at darts, and she would usually offer to buy if I would fly (which I was glad to do). While we never actually became friends, I enjoyed talking with her, and I was proud to have earned her trust and respect as a fellow female officer.
Whether they join the military or become business professionals or simply stay at home to raise a family, I hope to teach Tacy and CJ not to play these games that many girls and women play in an effort to bait and intimidate one another. I hope they will resist the impulse to exclude others, and I hope they will make a conscious effort to include them instead. I will applaud them for being ambitious and competitive, but I hope they will understand that the paths they take are just as important as reaching their destination. It isn’t much fun to reach the top if you don’t have any friends there to help you celebrate.
December 13th, 2005 at 9:28 pm
God, girls are awful sometimes. And I mean, I am one, so I take full responsibility! There’s a book I’ve been meaning to read call “When Mean Girls Grow Up” — can’t remember who it’s by or anything, but think it deals with what you’ve written about. Should be good.
December 14th, 2005 at 7:35 am
I agree that it can be very difficult to make friends with other women in the workplace. I am not sure why this is — maybe because women seem to be more sensitive to “pecking orders” that are a result of lines of authority and or social status. I don’t think men usually feel the same pressure to define — and maintain — their real or imagined “position” as some women do.
I admire your resolve to teach Tacy and C.J. tolerance and respect for other people, particularly other females. I want to instill the same values in my girls, so that they understand the importance of letting the bad stuff roll off their backs instead of perpetuating the cycle of viciousness. And like you said, it’s lonely if you fight your way to the top with no one standing by your side. To me, that tradeoff is not worth it.
December 14th, 2005 at 7:50 am
I resisted joining mother’s groups for the same reasons. Soon after the twins were born I read a magazine article that said mother’s groups can be just as bad as high school clicques. Based on that (and my normal resistance to group-joining anyway) I stay polite but distant from the other mothers in the neighborhood. Frankly, I didn’t understand some girls when I was in high school. One day two girls were friends and the next they weren’t. It made no sense to me. I guess I think more like a guy. I’ve always enjoyed working and hanging out with guys. I can take their joking and swing it right back at them. Of course, some can be as gossipy and backstabbing as women.
You have some good experiences to share with your girls.
December 14th, 2005 at 8:38 am
I have seen friends of my sons be really, well…mean to each other. Having man boys I didn’t see this–the boys were competitive, but seemed to ENJOY it.
I remember as a little kiddle being so hurt when being left out, overlooked, etc. Interesting that while reading this I realized that some of my most distinct memories are of those moments.
I can easily shift to the good memories and realize that I am who I am now because of ALL the experiences. But those “mean” moments sure are (STILL) hard to remember.
I’m glad that you are going to teach Tacy and C.J. that respect and consideration are genderless.
Hh
December 14th, 2005 at 8:40 am
That was fabulous Julie. Have you looked at the book “Girlfighting” by Lyn Mikel Brown? It is one of my faves and one that I will prevail upon Em to read someday.
Being an ambitious, smart female is one of the most confusing roles there is. The dichotomy that our mothers told us we COULD be anything, and the truth of what we find when we get there is a hard truth. And women are suspicious of one another - perhaps for good reason at times.
But, you could always look at it from a purely evolutionary stance. As herd females, we must maintain our place in the pack.
December 14th, 2005 at 9:20 am
This is one of my biggest worries about raising my girl–helping her through the meanness, cliques, and general obnoxiousness dished out by other girls. At least I can share some survival stories from my own childhood.
As an adult, I’ve always worked in groups made up almost exclusively of women. Thankfully–and maybe it’s because I work in a more creative field, vs. a hard-nosed business environment?–I haven’t experienced much bitchiness. I think that’s rare, and I consider myself lucky.
I do like the darts idea. If I still worked in an office I’d introduce that game pronto.
December 14th, 2005 at 9:35 am
Well said. My sister and I are always having this conversation. Sometimes we just want to hide out and not be social becuase of how women can act towards each other. Have you ever seen “Mean Girls” - oh how true it is!
December 14th, 2005 at 1:55 pm
I totally agree. I say, enjoy the ride. It is sometimes difficult to have relationships with women, especially in the workplace.
December 14th, 2005 at 2:39 pm
I don’t know, I hate to say things like “Women can be awful to each other.” Women can also be wonderful to each other, and an us vs. them mindset just doesn’t make sense. We’re all humans, right? That said, I wonder if in a traditionally male-dominated world–ie., the military, the Pentagon–women are less likely to be chummy with each other because they want to fit in more, go along with the prevailing attitudes. Not that the following situation was otherwise similar, but your story reminds me of when I used to be pastry chef in a particular restaurant. The head chef and all the other cooks were all male, and I and my helper were the only women. You can bet that we weren’t chumming around in front of those guys. We did as the Romans did–there was a sort of kill or be killed air in that kitchen with all that testosterone. Wonder if working in the Pentagon was something like that. Dunno…
December 14th, 2005 at 8:45 pm
Sugarmama, you are absolutely correct. Both my PIMs and my fellow bloggers have shown me how much women really have in common and how well we can support one another, even when we come from completely different walks of life.
Holly, thanks for the book recommendation - I will check it out.
December 15th, 2005 at 11:34 am
I was definitely one of those gals whose best friends were boys. But then after becoming a mom, I found being friends with some women to be rewarding.
My online baby group had plenty of politics, as did the first playgroup I joined. But luckily I realized I had the power of choice, so paid attention only to the fun posts and nice women, respectively. I’ve since found a new mom’s group where I have come across some great women.
But mostly, my relationships with women are of the blogging variety. We get to choose who we read and vice-versa, so people whose personalities, politics, or whatever don’t match ours can be taken off our daily reads. (Although I enjoy reading blogs from people whose ideas, opinions, politics, etc. are different from mine, but the respect is there - it isn’t some catty fight!)
December 17th, 2005 at 7:36 pm
I have had the opportunity to work in a number of very boyish workplaces (where I was the only woman), and very feminine or all-female workplaces, and I can say with perfect honesty that there are horrible examples of each of these environments, and wonderful ones. But I do prefer working with other women– particularly chill women. And pretty much across the board, women-run shops have been MUCH cleaner than those run by men.
May 17th, 2006 at 9:23 am
[…] I’ve written before about how difficult it was to earn the respect and friendship of other female officers in the military. Instead of the camaraderie I had expected, there was an atmosphere of distrust which fostered distrust on my part as well. […]