Sexual harrassment
Major Miller and I got off to a bad start, and our relationship only grew worse over the next year.
When he arrived in our section, he questioned whether I was sufficiently qualified to handle the programs and projects I was managing. Granted, I had recently taken over a heavy workload by which I myself was intimidated. I was awed by the scope of responsibility, the weight of that responsibility, and the fact that I bore all this responsibility as a mere lieutenant. But I was also extremely proud of myself and willing to do whatever was necessary to ensure my success. My previous supervisor, who was still in the same section but had been bumped from his position due to Major Miller’s seniority, was confident in me as well, and so was the captain who had previously borne my new workload.
His questioning of me seemed to stem from concerns regarding my youth and my gender more than anything else, but since I could not point to a specific reason why I felt this way, I pushed it out of my mind. I was relieved when he dropped the issue, presumably after speaking at greater length with the other two officers.
A few weeks later, while he was out of the office, another officer whom I had befriended rushed into our workcenter to inform me that her husband was flying to Panama the next day, returning two days later, and to ask if I would like to catch a space available flight with him so that I could see Kyle.
At the time, I was at the Pentagon and Kyle was in Panama. We were engaged but not yet married. And it was Valentine’s Day to boot. HELL YES, I WANT TO GO!
But who would sign my leave request form? The captain was the highest ranking officer in our section who was present, and he gladly signed my form. While he was a great guy, he was also one of the most cautious, by-the-book officers with whom I ever worked, so I was confident that his approval would pass muster. The next morning, I was on a Lear jet to Panama.
I returned to work the following Monday, in accordance with my leave form. Upon my arrival, Major Miller promptly called me into the conference room.
He proceeded to lecture me concerning the Air Force core values, especially the second one, which is “Service Above Self”. I tried to explain that I actually didn’t even agree with that core value, as I served because it was important to me, and therefore I wasn’t putting service before me, nor was I putting myself before my service. Besides, I didn’t put our section in jeopardy in any way – everyone else was present for the three days that I had missed, and I would do the same for any one of them, no questions asked.
My reasoning fell on deaf ears. He insisted that I had treated him and the rest of my section with disrespect and that I had shirked my duties, and I simply could not bear such criticism; the tears flowed. I cared so much about my responsibilities, and it upset me greatly to think that anyone, even he, thought that I had been remiss.
The captain who had signed my leave form was infuriated that Major Miller had lectured me. He told me that he had insisted that he be present when Major Miller spoke to me, and Major Miller had agreed.
I couldn’t help but think that the “dressing down” was unfairly motivated, like his criticism of my perceived ability to handle my job responsibilities. But again, I had no real concrete evidence, so I pushed it aside and pressed forward.
A couple months later, it was the week leading up to Easter weekend. As I mentioned in my 100 Things, I have very little Biblical knowledge. Back then, it was an even more dismal situation. I happened to mention that I didn’t know what happened on Good Friday (I do now).
Major Miller launched into an inquisition. Literally. For forty-five minutes, he questioned me about my religious beliefs (or lack thereof). He told me that I was amoral. How could I have morals if I didn’t believe in God?
On and on and on he went. I stood there and took it. I tried vainly to explain myself, to defend myself, without being disrespectful. I was outmatched. If I thought he had hated me before, I was certain of it now.
Another couple months passed, and he started to preface most of his words to me with: “You’ll probably take me to Social Actions, but…”
Social Actions is the Air Force’s version of HR. Social Actions is where complaints of sexual harrassment are filed.
I don’t remember many of the details of what he said to me. None of it was particularly explicit, but the innuendo was unmistakable. And he made his comments within earshot of others; we worked in a cube farm.
I do remember two comments in particular. By then, another major had arrived on the scene who had more seniority than Major Miller, so thankfully he was no longer my supervisor, but he still worked in the same section. The new major also had a new baby. When he returned to the office bearing pictures, Major Miller commented to me: “You and Kyle can make one of those, you know.” It might have been an innocuous comment if it weren’t for our existing antagonistic relationship, as well as the fact that Major Miller proudly proclaimed himself to be child-free (and therefore, was likely commenting more on the PROCESS than the PRODUCT).
The most unmistakably inappropriate comment came shortly after Kyle and I got married. I was showing pictures to a few friends who had gathered in my cube. Major Miller peered over our shoulders at a picture of me, looked at me incredulously and asked, “Is that you?”
Yes, I replied.
Well, you’ll probably take me to Social Actions for saying this, but where’d you get the cleavage? he asked.
We were all dumbstruck.
You may ask why I didn’t smack this bitch up. I was a lieutenant. He was a major. Even if I didn’t respect him personally or professionally, I had to respect his rank and his position. I was a good officer. I valued my own position and did not want to jeopardize my good standing in any way.
You may ask why someone else didn’t smack this bitch up. I asked myself that question too. He made his comments in front of others. He had absolutely no regard for how they might be perceived or the possible consequences. Was his bravado enough to intimidate others into silence, just as his rank and his position were enough to intimidate me?
Finally, another captain in another part of our workcenter approached me. I told him that I was extremely bothered by the treatment, but that I didn’t know what to do. He suggested that I speak to the new major (the one with the new baby) and ask both majors to conference with me.
I did, but it was too little, too late. The new major had not witnessed enough exchanges between Major Miller and me to effectively back me up, and Major Miller pulled the “Who me?” routine, complete with a carefully choreographed, “I have no idea what you’re talking about, but if I ever upset you, I’m very sorry,” version of an apology. He very effectively made it look as if I were making a big deal out of nothing, and that he was magnanimously tolerant of my delusional accusations. I was even more humiliated after that discussion than I had been when he made the comment about my cleavage.
Fortunately, I did not have to work with him very much longer after that. I moved on to another position (for which I’m sure he felt I was even less qualified than I had been for my previous position).
If this situation is the closest I ever come to sexual harrassment, I will consider myself lucky. And I feel fortunate to have learned – at a relatively young age and with an extremely low cost – that I should never have to put up with such crap, regardless of circumstances. It developed slowly, insidiously – very much in a predatory manner. I’ve had other people say much more offensive things to me in more recent years, but never in such a deliberately intimidating manner, escalating gradually over time, until I was stunned into silence.
I will teach my girls the difference between teasing and intimidation. I will reassure them that I will always support the steps they take to protect themselves if they believe that they are truly in danger. And I will teach them to stand up for themselves and their personal integrity (both physical and mental), even if it means defying someone in a position of authority.
October 1st, 2005 at 10:45 pm
Thank you for taking the time to write that out–I wish more stories were told of this kind of insidious, subtle harrassment (although it obviously became less subtle as time went on). I wish there were a way to fix it. If ever I have a daughter, one thing I am determined to teach her is not to fear authority. During my childhood, I somehow became programmed to cry whenever speaking to a male authority figure. I have to fight it even during positive conversations.
October 2nd, 2005 at 5:41 am
Ugh. My stomach turns and my jaw clenches when I read things like this. I hate the “oh look what a big deal you’ve made out of nothing” condescention that “macho men” proclaim after they have bullied someone.
I hate that their inappropriate behavior is instead turned into a showcase for female “oversensitivity.” (or, “female agression” in some cases.)
Thank you for sharing, and I certainly hope that CJ and Tacy will heed your advice as they grow up and are faced with similar power-plays.
October 2nd, 2005 at 8:30 am
I hope Major Miller was eventually disciplined in some way for his actions. This is yet another one of those parenting subjects that are so important-teaching sons to have respect for women and daughters to stand up for themselves if they are harassed. Thanks for sharing your story.
October 2nd, 2005 at 8:58 am
Thank you for sharing. That type of bullying is so hard to deal with, especially when it comes from a superior officer or supervisor. Unfortunately, I’ve experienced similar bullying (albeit with no sexual innuendo) from a former boss as well — this one being a female boss. It built up so subtly over time, and was so hard to explain to anyone else (she did it carefully so as not to be detected), that I was left feeling helpless about how to stop it.
I have realized in time that some people must use these types of techniques to give themselves power by bringing others down. In my case, I think my former boss had serious self-esteem issues and found herself “threatened” by my knowledge and positive relationships with other staff members, so she’d find tiny ways to cut me down. Over time it was too much and I left the organization. I can’t understand how people like this are rewarded with supervisory positios. It’s one of the most successful ways to inject a poisonous atmosphere into te workplace.
October 2nd, 2005 at 7:46 pm
Thank you for sharing on behalf of all the women harassed by males (or females) in authority. I have had a stomachful of this being in a male dominated workplace. I actually had a Director lean over her desk and say to me, “Now, you know how these men are……” I could have smacked her upside the head. I responded, “No, what I know is how they SHOULD be.” It still gets my ire up.
October 2nd, 2005 at 8:40 pm
great post on an important and often uncomfortable topic. Sucks that you had to deal with that . . . but thanks for sharing.
October 3rd, 2005 at 3:59 pm
Thanks for sharing.
October 3rd, 2005 at 5:50 pm
What a jerk. I am just steaming. Quite glad you don’t have to deal with him anymore.
October 4th, 2005 at 2:06 am
You rock for not letting that a$$ get away with those kind of comments. I think a lot of men will preface that kind of comment with the “I’m sure you’ll report me for saying this” kind of thing to make it all seem like a joke… and not many people are brave enough to call them on it. Thanks for sharing your story.
October 4th, 2005 at 6:38 am
I just helped launch a program at Barnard called the Initiative for Women in Leadership. It
is a program that our female student body can enroll in to train to become leaders in the financial and goverment
service centers.
Have your daughters come to Barnard.
In the meantime, I don’t like to think that my tax money is being spent paying an asshole to harass a hard working female officer. We are the generation that was raised to have the same professional expectations and ambitions as men –
but when we get out there – it’s plain to see that there is MUCH work to be done – and fights to be fought
for your daughter’s sake.
Did you know that there are only one or two women who head up any corporations listed on the Fortune 400. And look how poorly we are represented in public office. Here is the almighty clincher – statistically it makes no difference if you are a mother or a woman who has no children – women still aren’t getting into positions of power.
everyone deserves the chance to achieve and the choices that come with that achievement.
October 4th, 2005 at 8:08 am
Thanks for all the good comments.
Nancy and WW – you’re absolutely right that such intimidation is not limited to men. Excellent point.
EVI – I would be honored if either one or both of my daughters attended Barnard. And you make an excellent point that marriage/children do not figure prominently in the hard numbers, yet so many women – consciously or not – still feel that it is a choice between career or family.
October 4th, 2005 at 5:59 pm
Great post and good reminder that no one should be treated with disrespect or have their work/livelihood or safety depend on putting up with crap.
Hh
January 13th, 2007 at 7:22 pm
If only more mother’s and society in general taught girls that sexual harrassment is not just something that happens it is unexceptable